Work, Friends, Family

We don't know what we have until we lose it. Lots of people say this. It can signify regret, or appreciation.

This week marked my one year of being back home and at work. Time flew!! Emotional. Spiritual. Challenges tackled. Goals met. New visions pursued. Relationships renewed or built. I spent most of my time with 3 groups: workmates, friends (including house mates), and family.

Workmates:
I love my work (and 98.99% of my colleagues, hahahah). I always knew I had it good, even before my long walkabout. Most days I was at work, I was thankful, no matter how much I liked/disliked the roles I took on. Truth be told, it wasn't my first choice. Around the same time I was employed, I was on path to do overseas volunteer work (mimimum 2 years contract); at the final selection stage of working as a flight stewardess; applied to work for a bank; my previous job tried to retain me, offering pay increase and to further my education to take over a department; and I also applied to 2 government organisation (Immigration, and Foreign Affairs) where I knew/hoped overseas travel would be part of my role.

I'm still in touch with 2 directors from my previous job, though I declined their generous offers. I ended up not continuing the volunteer work and not pursuing the 2 government jobs. It was a happy compromise as I was/am still doing "community service" (bonus that I was getting paid for it) in the work I accepted, and it was great for my partner at the time who was also becoming successful where he worked. It would have been unfair to make him start over in Canberra where work for him was limited. I did cry though when I didn't get the flight stewardess role, hahahah ugh, coz I was so close, it was a hard-very long process, and the recruiter said I just missed out (they had a ranking system). It wasn't meant to be :-).

I didn't cry when I didn't get the bank job because I only applied to see if I will get it. Still, I loved the feedback from the employer/manager who interviewed me. The recruiter said the manager was really taken by me and he wanted to employ me, but from our conversation he sensed the banking industry (and that position I applied for) will not be the right place for me etc, yet he spoke highly of me and even offered to talk or give recommendations about me to prospective employers. I was told he struggled to make his decision, discussed me with the recruiter at length, and it was the first time she came across a non-employer willing to give a reference for someone who did not work for them. It was good to walk out still smiling after being declined a job offer, hahahah. I didn't get a chance to use him as a referee. I wonder (and hope) if I lived up to what he saw in me then...?

Ten years on (including the years I was away and/or working overseas), a part of me is ready to move on. It felt like a backstep to come back. But to stay on would still be a challenge. My future there was stunted (by my going overseas) but still very promising. I didn't really lose the job, but going away made me appreciate it more. I knew what I had. Without it, my resettlement would have been much much much harder. There were 3 turning points in my life when I could have left. I went through the processes, but I remember all times I placed my future in God's hands. The answers were clear - it will be there waiting for me, (I can/have to) go back. But I am also now feeling ready for something unknown. I feel impatient sometimes, excited to do everything now, but I've learned to allow it to play. So, whether I stay on, or move forward, I am ready. And I will always have fond and heartfelt memories of this workplace, as it played a major role in developing me.

Friends:
The random people I met, and a lot of times the things they said to me in passing, were all somehow leading to my new direction. I used to freak out a lot, too many coincidences - people from differing beliefs and mindsets and lifestyles, people who didn't know me and just met me - all told me similar messages. They saw it in me, or they felt compelled to mention it, I don't know. Now I just take all in stride. And because I am listening more, I reflect and remember years back I heard the same messages, but although I already liked the ideas then, I pushed them aside as I was busy chasing different dreams/priorities.

Sometimes it gets really confusing, because lots of opportunities are being presented to me. My impatience and zest for life makes me want to just jump in, because I like to do and react, more than talk and think/listen things through, ugh heheheh. But something tells me to hold back, each step has a time and place.

Old friends, including the ones at work. There are so many of them I value. One day, eventually, I will write about them here (though their names likely to be kept private). Again in reflection, I realised many of them were watching over me, taking care of me, and had my best interest in their hearts. Their "love" shown to me in the little/big things they did. And I only truly appreciated them when I became aware that I didn't have them anymore, while I was overseas. I didn't know what I had until I lost them.

Family:
We are used to being separated, living in different countries, and not hearing from each other for months/years. It is normal for us. We all absolutely love each other, but we hardly say it and don't show our affection easily. And when we try to express our love for one another, we all react... funnily. "Funny" is the easiest way I can describe us ;-). It was the way we (and my parents) were brought up. Cold-ish, or as one friend loved to say, "British", hahahah! Which I am not by the way, British I mean. I don't know about being cold, eck, heheheh. A lot of families in this world like this, inspirations for a lot of family movies ;-).

We are making more of an effort now. Maybe coz us kids are older, or they also have their own kids now. Maybe coz we can see our parents are getting older. Maybe my brother passing away kicked something in our guts (though to be fair, we made efforts already years before then). Whatever our reasons, I love that it is happening, no/less dramas, lots of love. It is true, blood is thicker than water. I pray we appreciate one another - frequently say, act(!) and show it, before we lose us.... :-).

Relieved and Thickheaded

Today I found out my supervisor has been trying to take some workload off me and he said I did not want to give it up. Miscommunication, ugh :-). He was right. I did not want to "pass it on" to other members in my team as I knew they had a lot/too much on their plate already. I made up my mind I was going to do as much as I could before I hand it over, with only the report writing part for them to finish. I was also trying to get someone outside my team to take over. He (my boss) said he kept offering to take over and I did not want to let go (because I felt bad giving him work I should be doing). He felt my determination. I took responsibility for the work too heavily. We did not understand each other's intentions.

It was only when I expressed to him that it was impossible for me to finish off all I thought I had to do, plus work on the new project my team was given this week to run for a month, that it all became clear. I was trying to exempt myself from the new project, showing him I only had 9.5 days in the office left. I felt those days were just enough for me to get by and do all that I promised to do. But he needed my help with the new project more - oops! I think coz he was feeling the stress more today as well (we were all very tired) or I was less thick-headed today; he communicated straight to the point or less round-about, in letting me know all he wanted me to do was to write the plan for the work I will be letting go. So easy! At least 5 office days work taken off my load! :-) I was also happy and willing to let go coz I finally understood/found out the other team will work on it completely, because my team will be busy with the added project too. WIN!

I'm so relieved! I literally felt a huge weight off my shoulder, seriously! I'm so thankful! Thankful coz I am no longer as busy as I thought (that's why I am here writing, not researching, hahahah!) and thankful coz I have a good/kind supervisor. Great blessings.

However, I am also reminded.... that I've been told before by two previous relationships (I assume they knew me best) that I do get like this. Sometimes I really don't listen. I go on "fix mode" or "work mode" and I am hard to budge, because I truly believe I am doing the right or best thing. When they told me they were trying to get my attention about something (e.g. another way to do it, slow down, etc), I couldn't recall. Or I remember them explaining it then, but I didn't really understand until that time I did, much later on. A fault in my ways of trying to fix things or do things right. Being too task-focused and solution-oriented.

I really don't know how to tackle this....? Because it happens and I don't realise it. Not everyone I deal with are kind, understanding and confident enough to pull me up on it, and not get tired of doing it (nicely). I don't know when my good intentions become a hindrance, or worse, offensive???!!... I am concerned about it. I want to improve on it, but not losing sleep over it (for now)....

At the moment, I am just enjoying this free time, woohoo!! :-)

Rest

This is my "will not blog" blog.... Because I want to rest. I want to curl up in bed and sleep. My mind is buzzing too fast though, so I am hopeful this exercise will block off my to-do lists and plans and calm me to zzzzzz....

I don't know how my super-human friends do it(!?!). On the surface they seem to be taking care of sooooh soo sooooh much more. They don't complain (much), and get on with "business". I don't necessarily wanna be like them, coz our interests and priorities are not similar. But in general, really, my super-friends, how do you do it, and still seize moments, and enjoy a balanced (love) life!!??

I.need.rest. I truly do. I have been functioning on 3-4 hours of sleep and a few catnaps for 2 months now. It does not feel healthy. I'm reminded even God rested for one day/ on the 7th day. He needs me strong and healthy. I need me strong and healthy. He has been giving me endurance, wisdom (hahahah, I initially wrote "wishdom", how accurate, lol!), and strength, to deal with hectic schedules and deadlines. I'm crazy organised. Sometimes so task-focused I am wary of making mistakes (as in neglecting to notice I am chasing the wrong outcomes). So, I am always reminding myself to heel or press my brakes; to assess my intentions; and converse with/listen to God to ensure my actions/decisions are oriented to what/where I feel pushed/pulled. Listening (much more) to God is newer to me. I listened differently in the past. Sometimes most goals are clear, other times not so. But I go off running again in faith and challenge, till the next brake.... :-).

[Note: Lotsa people commented that my expressions about God has changed in my writings - from simple mentions and "hints" years ago to full praising now. Very true :-), and a lot of my current activities are revolving around increasing my relationship with Jesus, letting God draw me close to Him. See previous post, "Spiritual" (kind of)... actually, you won't, coz the one I really mean is still in draft, ugh! So even if I am not explaining/writing them in, please know they are most present in my life. I'm a working progress. :-)]

Most activities I am doing feels necessary - work etc, organising self for trip, family etc, general business etc, visa application, travel medicine appointments, church etc, once per week at least of fitness (used to be minimum 2 sessions), home duties (cooking, cleaning, laundry, food shopping, etc). So many plans have been pushed aside (e.g. doing this instead of doing my tax return, or sleeping).

I think I am doing well prioritising use of my time, but not exemplary. Honestly, blogging is not important. Is writing here now really calming me, or could this moment be better spent?... This week, I also felt ashamed and in despair for not spending quality time with family.

[Note - thoughts side-tracked, again: Thankfully my love tank was filled again this weekend when I cooked an impromptu dinner after work for my sister and mother, when I found out they were close by! I did well, or I was amazed I actually had a good stock of food (this week anyway, lol) as I had no time to shop! I cooked lambchops (thinly sliced) with rosemary and thyme, sweet potatoes, cooked vegetable dish (European style), and spicy beef burger for my mom (when I realised she doesn't like lamb). I also almost whipped a really nice ice cream dessert, but they declined as it was late-ish (after 9pm), and mommy still had a long journey home to do. I smiled later in the night, when I remembered my mom's reaction while she looked at what I prepared and realised I could actually cook a nice feast, hahahah. It was the first time I cooked (a full meal) for her, I think.... FYI, my natural declaration is, "I can't cook", when I should really say, "I don't like to cook/ I get stressed when I cook". My bad.... Lately though, I am less/not stressed. This family dinner, I even 'suggested' to do it, in an effort to spend time with (show love to) my family.]

Back to the topic of RESTING!...

Expert help may be used to free up more of my time, if possible (e.g. give up doing my own simple tax return and pass it back to my accountant; or eat out/take away instead of food shopping, cooking/stressing, cleaning). I believe/like the idea of paying someone else to do chores/tasks others will perform faster, if it means freeing (quality) time to use more wisely. But I'm resisting 'outsourcing' for now (e.g getting laundry service, or calling my accountant), coz for now it feels time-pressure problems could be solved by more multi-tasking, or being more cutthroat in removing non-essential habits (like blogging weekly-ish).


[Third Note, lol: The problem with running myself on "hot" for longer periods; or on half-capacity when my mind is absolutely "fried"; or spreading myself thin, in an effort to make my efficiency/effectiveness last longer, is reduction in quality of my output.... Did I just really describe myself like a business system??! :-) Typical, lol..... Anyway, I don't like this "dear journal" business. Look how convoluted my topics are!?! Yet these last few entries reads too much like such, ugh. And this blog is now tooooo loooong....]

So, I'm gonna use this as a reminder list, if I do not blog "regularly". I really want to blog about role models/mentors; about giving/giver; 2 "love" stories; and polish off to share the 3-5 stories I wrote between July and September.

Now, signing off. Gotta take that needed nap. Deep breaths, winding down.... Hhhhhmmmm :-)))....

....ACK! Then a text message arrived! My friend who is preparing the donated laptops (downloaded programs, bug fixes, etc) is around the corner! Must get up again, get changed, yada-yada.... Not rest. Ugh! ;-)

Osso Bucco for One

9.00pm-ish:
Thank you for all the text messages and emails of encouragement to cook my osso bucco, hahahah! It is now simmering (over 1 hour) and guaranteed to be DELICIOUS! I already know coz it smells WONDERFUL! :-))) Cooking is playful for me. I don't like doing it still, appreciate being cooked for MUCH MORE, but I guess I love it when I do it for FUN.

10.00pm-ish:
Tonight I cooked a luxurious traditional osso bucco dish. I am eating it now and it is delicious! Molte bellissimo!

I started inspired to cook for myself, a playful challenge. I finished wishing I am sharing it someone special..... *smiling smugly and smirking here*....

10.30pm-ish:
.... Just finished eating it.... What a wonderful meal! Still wishing the other veal osso bucco was eaten by a love one, instead of being placed in a container to eat for lunch at work tomorrow.... *and the smirk returns*....


My train of thought changes.....

.... I've been single since last year. Haven't been on dates, except for those "chance meetings" and "oh, look who's here!" or "I'd like the group to meet each other" settings. I wanted to be left alone. Not closed off, as I allowed suitors or guys to contact me (kind of), but no one caught my attention. Or one of us lost interest, hahahah ugh. I am choosy and picky for those reasons. Not only for my benefit, but also for theirs. (Over?)Protective of my peace of mind, and my heart.... Taking my time ;-).

I love life - single or attached. There's that wish at the back of my mind to have it all - husband, kids, housewife, business/charity/foundation, travel. I am conscious of time passing which shouldn't pressure me (and it doesn't) but it is a fact of life. I know a lot of couples nowadays start a family much later in life. Apparently I still have 10 years hahahah. But would I want to give birth in 10 years? No way! Not even 5 years from now, methinks.... So, if I am no longer single then, we both have to accept the fact that any child/ren we take care of will not come from my womb. Sad, honestly, but true.

I had considered adopting on and off, for more than a decade now. Unfortunately, my lifestyle now would not meet official/legal requirements. But if the situation presented itself, I would gladly change my life to care for a child or children. I also still offer the lifeline to a pregnant woman to keep her child alive - I would care for the mother during pregnancy, and take the responsibility of nurturing the child, regardless of whether I am mommy or auntie, until the biological mother is ready to take over or introduced herself, if so - as long as the woman is saved from taking the option of terminating. It is good that since I made that decision, no woman I know has had the need to consider this...?

Then I get asked, "why don't you marry, or just have a baby? Why not choose from men who want to give you either or both? You can have everything you want now!"... Simple answer is, I am traditional, and romantic. From my womb, the child/ren will be a blessing given from my union with the man I absolutely love and love me as much. Gift from God for me and him. Ego/Pride (of being able to produce a child), curiosity (experiencing being pregnant and giving birth), and impatience (can have it all now) are not strong motivations. Plus I am aware of the fact I may live life single. A tad sad to imagine life without a better half, I would most prefer to experience life with a partner. But if so, I don't think I will be drastically lonely. Imagining it, I am comfortable with it, thankfully not fearful. I have faith in how my life will progress, accepting the unknown. Life is good.

Everything Is Alright!

I don't know how to talk about what I'm trying to convey, without sounding "trippy".... Though I blog I usually find it difficult to explain things.... There are these strong feelings of... I guess I can call it 'peace' and acceptance... that comes over me, and I am always amazed by it (and grateful). Every so often, I realise I am not afraid. Or the feeling of fear makes me bold and stand firm, but in peace, not to battle. That I know everything is and will be alright.

It's not a new feeling. I think I had it even when I was much younger. I thought it was learned confidence, as I fretted less when I accepted whatever came my way or as I changed situations into (more) positive and better experiences.

I lost a lot of it while I travelled.

I was fine on my own. Wonderful travels, and worthwhile interactions with people with genuine or positive intentions; made me blossom. I always thanked God while I appreciated and loved life. But as I expressed in previous blogs, I was not prepared for the onslaught of "other" people with hidden agendas and evil or wickedness in their character (strong words, judgmental vs accurate, but very close descriptions to what comes to my mind when I think of them).

Ack!... I started writing about the negative experiences/observations and the lessons I learned. But those stories will not be told here. I'm not comfortable, even if only in writing, to describe in detail the people involved in the unsavoury colours I see/saw them as. Because individually, they were really 'only human', still with many good qualities, even well-liked by me and a lot of people (it was those good qualities that lured me in). But as a group, WOW!, they fertilised and supported/encouraged each other's wickedness and evil intents. They reasoned the other was/is worse than them (so they feel closer to being angels, or being lesser evils). Open rebuke and careful reprieve did not faze them, uncaring/indifferent about the pain they caused many people. But I am still hopeful and prayerful that they change/d and not damage/d more people. I haven't forgotten their good/great qualities. I know they can be actively good/better if they consciously decide to be. I can pray for them from far, as it is wisdom to stay away.

I'm glad I did not fall too deeply in their lair, and was not destroyed by it. I value the remnants of the choking fear I feel, when I remember how close I was to being trapped/changed in their company (or by one of them). Straight after the fear, I am reminded how much wiser I am now and how great it is that they are no longer affecting my life. They joy, calm and relief I feel to be free is enormous in comparison!! :-)

Therefore, I know, now, even though this feeling of 'peace' emanates from an unlikely place... that everything is and will be alright!! :-)))

Little Update About Nothing....

I sooh wanted to write a blog about my mom this week. It was her birthday this week and it was also the week my brother passed away two years ago.

My first blog, written between 2004-2006, was about my mom, titled "Ode To Mom". To this day I regret losing it. I tried to rewrite it, but cannot come up with anything close to it. It was one of my favourite postings. Unfortunately I wrote it within a social profile I was using at the time, and I was asked to delete my account very quickly (in a panic really!) as my partner (then) was getting death threats due to our restaurant business overseas at the time and he did not want a photo of me accessible, for my safety, he said. He also deleted his account. I did not have time to think it and lost about 5 good posts (total of about 20 stories) in a flash!!! I just want a copy of my first post... :-(((.... I asked friends already, but if I missed anyone - if you have a copy of this story, please send it to me, please!!!???!!

This week I was beyond tired. I had so much to do that I was not sleeping until after 3am or getting only 3-4 hours of sleep. I can't recall if I ever fell asleep standing while showering before, and I did it twice this week, ugh, heheheh!! I spent most of daytime Saturday sleeping to recuperate. The next 3 weeks will be similar, ugh. But I can do them all, I already know. Life is physically, spiritually and mentally demanding. But all necessary, for where I feel I am being pushed to go/do, to fall into place :-).

I don't believe in cramming activities into life, to make it significant. I believe more in seizing moments, with good intentions, being honest, caring for others more than self, and enjoying the journeys. Some people are capable of running multiple tasks at the same time, whilst others only one or two at the time. Both are okay. I am more the former, practice allowed me to learn to be good at it, which makes me look energetic or always busy. But I prefer to be the latter. So I try to be mindful of what I prioritise in life, because it is easy to be caught up with all the hype from the activities I tackle, and lose focus of the true reasons (especially intangible reasons) why I am doing them.

For now, trying to juggle work, extracurricular activities, education, church, family and my health/fitness. Temporarily very time demanding. All to prepare for my almost 2 months trip; and, to enable me to go away for that long and not neglect my work and personal life. The rest are life issues, lessons and challenges I'm faced as I allow God to educate and mould me. Lots of balancing acts required. I had to give up my regular Saturday fortnightly routine (which I love doing), and put aside the Sunday self-defense training I was pursuing (which I think I have to learn). So I can have more time for family, rest, and/or my education. People have the impression I have a busy social calendar, but honestly, I see the same people weekly (whom I appreciate very much). I have neglected my other friends, not even attending a lot of special events - sorry :-( - and disappointing good friends I only contacted now when I have been back almost one year :-(.

When I am absolutely tired, I rely on my strong endurance, trying to function as normal as possible, and I expect my brain to be the same. But my mind gets tired, so I am not immune to making mistakes. I also have no control over other issues thrown in. I just try to maintain my wisdom in handling them, even though my tiredness has the ability to make me react emotionally. Thankfully, so far, I have stood strong and not reacted in any way I have regretted afterwards....

In trying to function well with only 3-4 hours of sleep, I have already made 5 costly mistakes with my transport and accommodation bookings for an upcoming trip. Mentally exhausted I kept making the silliest mistakes even newbie travellers would not make, such as booking on wrong dates! An hour ago, was my latest boo-boo, gggrrrr! The only time I could work on them was/is after midnight, like now, when it was already hard for me to concentrate and problem-solve, ugh. Thankfully, I was refunded a part of payments for those bookings, but not all, ugh. The other interpersonal issues I had to deal with at work, I prefer to not waste more time telling them - same same ;-).

On the positive, the Op Christmas Child drive (to fill shoeboxes with gifts) at work received an overwhelming response! It was very touching. Not that I doubted it. I knew my colleagues were generous. I just didn't think people would participate in my campaign so willingly, as so many of them were already doing various good works and donating to various organisations. I received more than double of the number I expected. It created more than double amount of extracurricular work for me too but, it is okay as I am able (and thankful it was endorsed so I'm allowed to take care of it while I am also doing my actual work). I'm hoping to drop the boxes to the collection point this week. Buying more toys and gifts tomorrow, to fill in the spare boxes I have, with money donated.

I also received the donated second-hand laptops sourced from another organisation. I haven't had time to turn it on to check it's condition, but I know they were all reformatted and set up well already. I contacted friends about my idea, and in perfect timing, a friend had them literally dropped on his lap, to give to me (after approval from his bosses of course, heheheh)!

I still cant wait to have time to sit down to write about many topics, one especially, about role models and/or mentors. For now, blabbing only, sorry... :-).

Peace One Day... &... R U OK? Day

Peace One Day - every year - 21st of September.

Celebrate it.... Honour it... Support it... Encourage it.

http://www.peaceoneday.org/


╚════════════════ ೋღ☃ღೋ ════════════════╝

I've been trying to write about certain topics that I seem to keep getting reminded to write about. But I can't find the time to concentrate on them or I am too tired. I am always chasing sleep and rest lately; not home til after 10pm, and awake long past midnight most nights - tonight a good example. I have taken on too much. Nonetheless, I am confident in the fact that I am meant to do all of them.

I decided for now I can at least post about "Peace One Day" happening tomorrow (or today, since it is now past midnight); and the "R U OK Day". It wouldn't take me long at least to write about them :-).

.... I copied above from an old post I wrote in 2006, in an effort to save time. It is still current. It is still the same message of non-violence and raising awareness.

Another one is the R U OK? campaign. I haven't read anything about it, yet, I like it. Caring for others is always a good initiative. In my travels I met and/or noticed a lot of lonely people; a lot of depressed people. Again, if this campaign raises awareness and encourages people to think of how they can positively affect and/or help others, I hope this little blog post can contribute.

Check for the websites about the R U OK? Day within your country. This year it was held last week. But we can still continue applying the practice as part of our normal/daily caring life. :-)

Ten Things I Love and Miss (Spring)

Ten Things I Love

1. My pool and spa. I finally used them tonight. They're awesome!
2. My rice cooker, cooking rice is a bliss!
3. Flowers!
4. Great housemates
5. Clean home
6. Girlfriends - new and old
7. Guyfriends - new and old
8. My sense of peace (I get fidgety with life, my mind is active, but my body is healing and my heart is well)
9. My trips coming up, the fact that I can still do them. Thank you God and thank you work.
10. Finding out I'm actually better at snowboarding now. Having good, supportive and fun people around you is really very important. I had the courage, they gave me the push. Then I flew! Thank you to my Snow Family 2011! :-))

Ten Things I Miss

1. Weekly, full body, head to toes and fingers, front and back, twist and pull and knead me like clay, deep tissue massages
2. Sleeping under the stars
3. Youngest member of our family :-)
4. South African rusks - especially the lemon flavoured ones, and butterscotch
5. Freedom of living with just one and a half (excess!) suitcases of stuff to rely on. Cash not wasted on keeping a nest, spent on others (or self) instead. Less materialistic, always looking forward.
6. Fattah Shawarma, with lots of garlic sauce and some chilli sauce
7. Superb earplugs for my music player. The ones I'm using now are faulty, came with the player.
8.
9. (I always struggle to list ten things to miss, must mean I'm pretty satisfied.... That's good!)
10. Holding hands (with someone I trust and love)
- I talked about this with a friend, about missing the basics. For him it's lying down in the park with his woman resting on his arms. We crave the positive energy that transfers between a couple. Still, even though we receive enough offers (unfortunately not from "the right person") that we do not have to live life now without it, we agreed we'd rather go without than to reach for someone to temporarily fill in these gaps :-).


POSTSCRIPT:
I'm running the campaign for Christmas shoeboxes to be filled with gifts for children (see earlier post "Operation Christmas Child"). Someone asked me what I would like in my box, heheheh.

In humour (and wistful thinking), here's what I came up with:

- Something to Love: My namesake, aka "little lamb", accidentally taken away from me to UK last year :-(, my constant travel companion for almost a decade, this may be the last photo I took of her
- Something for School/Work: Macbook Air (wish it has 10 hrs battery life like my laptop, not 5 hrs!)
- Something to Wear: Homemade shea butter body lotion, or reef shoes
- Something to Eat/Drink: A box or 2 of South African rusks
- Something to Play With: Iphone 5 (coz I heard it will have 2-simcard slots! Yey! With the other bonuses I need - flash camera/video, wifi, music player, radio?)
- Something for Personal Hygiene: A specific bath sponge (from Germany, Ghana or Taiwan)
- Something Special: Inga, my personal masseuse :-)

A Child's Enthusiasm (That I Crashed Into His Dad!)

I love random chats with kids. Another such encounter was at the bottom of the slope, where a child, a boy no older than 5 years, ran up to me while he carried his little skis. I think he was looking for me, as I crashed into his dad two runs earlier up on the slope. I let myself crash-stop, landing on my bottom, as I was finished snowboarding for the day. I sat on snow while I tried to muster more energy to separate my snowboard from my boots.

The boy started laughing even before he could reach me. Which made me laugh too even though I didn’t know why yet! I guess I also felt relieved coz I knew he wasn’t going to scold me for hurting his dad or for snowboarding badly, whew! :-)

He said something like, “You crashed into my dad! You both flew I saw it!” To which I replied, “Ya, I did. I tried to avoid him. Is he okay?” I don’t think he listened to me as he said, “I almost hit you too but I didn’t, hahahah.” This quickly replayed the event again in my head as I said with horror, “I know, I was avoiding you so I ended up on your dad. Your dad will have an awesome souvenir on his camera” (he was filming). The boy kept quiet, but the disappointment on his face showed he wished I crashed into him instead! Which made me remember the event again in horror, ack! Thank God his dad was there for me to aim for! ;-)

I asked him if he was finished skiing for the day, he said yes then took off, climbing up the slope, already off to whatever else caught his attention.

(By the way, it wasn’t fully my fault, ack! I was practising sharp turns with my off-foot forward. The dad was skiing backwards while filming his son ski downhill. He entered my path when I already turned. I tried to warn him, his friend did not warn him, and I could not break because I was terrified to slow down and hit the boy instead! So I made a weird, loud, undecipherable sound, then BANG! IMPACT! I asked him quickly if he was okay, while looking for the boy, who was laughing. We admitted our faults – him not looking where he was going, me leading with my weaker leg - and pretended our crash wasn’t as painful as it really was. I think it helped that I was a girl wearing my hair in pigtails, heheh ugh, and that I was so worried I hurt him! The dad said he probably had an awesome video clip of it. I apologised again then we separated ways.)

A Child's Compliments

I was at the summit, resting for a few minutes before starting another downhill challenge on my snowboard. Behind me to my left I heard an older man and a young girl talking. I caught a glimpse of them as I turned to put on my board - the man held the child’s hand as they slowly skied down. The little girl looked barely 4 years old, so cute, wearing a pink coat. I didn’t listen to their conversation, but I caught the part where the man said, “it is, very good of you to notice”. I looked up to make sure I wasn’t in their way. The little girl looked back, waved at me and calmly said, “I really like you’re jacket”. I realised she mentioned my jacket to the older man earlier and she made sure I knew she liked it. I smiled and thanked her, her compliment expressed so sweetly it made me feel warm and fuzzy.

Some of my friends got off the chairlift, so I waited for them. We took photos and played with a video camera while snowboarding. Halfway down the mountain, I boarded down slowly as I practiced my switch moves. I ended up in front of the little girl and her carer again. I passed by them a couple of times earlier too. The little girl recognised me (or my gold jacket) and beamed a HUGE smile at me! Then she said, “I saw you go down, you look so good… and you’re jacket is so pretty…. It looks beautiful on you”. Aaaahhh, bless her sweet heart! :-)

Kids! I love how they freely say what’s on their minds. I love how they are a source where pure and simple compliments come from, and expressing these compliments come out naturally to them.

The little girl reminded me of me. And I quickly prayed (or wished) that she does not lose that quality, even if it places her in awkward moments as an adult. As an adult, when I saw something I liked, I was most likely to tell about it, even to strangers. I try to be aware to not overdo my expression of compliments, but sometimes, like the child, “it” just captivates me that I end up telling the person/s several times.

I knew from past experiences lots of people do not feel comfortable (nor do not like) receiving generous amounts of compliments. I had on many occasions inadvertently made people feel awkward of my lavish praises. Continuous compliments from a child is viewed as adorable. But from an adult like me, they could be uncomfortable if not creepy, ugh hahahah. I understood - if the older man complimented me continuously instead of the child, I would have been thankful, but I would also have felt awkward. But I would not have thought negatively of it – I would have been grateful he took the time to do so when he didn’t need to. I know giving a compliment could be as embarrassing as we never know how it will be received.

During those awkward/funny times, I’ve learned to just shrug my shoulder and stop telling the person (or lessen my gushing if they are friends, not strangers). I know I will continue complimenting freely in the future. I try to be better at stopping myself from being over-enthusiastic, but I can accept the consequences, because everyone deserves to know and receive praises.

Operation Christmas Child

Open up a whole new life…
…through the power of a simple gift.

This year, my work is supporting the “Operation Christmas Child” campaign (yey!) where Christmas Shoe Boxes will be collected and delivered to the organisation endorsing the project called Samaritan’s Purse. My link is connected to the Australian site, but this project is also being run in various countries like Germany, Ireland, Netherlands, Canada, USA, UK, Hong Kong, Philippines and New Zealand. Search for it in your country to find out how to get involve. :-)

Operation Christmas Child has changed the lives of children since 1993, bringing joy and hope to children in desperate situations through gift-filled shoe boxes. It provides an opportunity for people to be involved in a simple hands-on project.




Three Ways to Encourage Participation 

1. Inform people they can pack a shoe box (or more) on their own, or as a group.
2. Allow people to donate items to contribute towards a shoe box (that are allowed and that will fit the dimensions of the shoe box). Tell them to send these items to you, clearly stating which age group and gender those gifts are suited for.
3. Let people donate money for the purchasing of the boxes and/or the cost of delivery. It will help create gift boxes for donated items as mentioned above. Excess cash can be donated to the organisation or used to buy more gifts.



How To Pack Your Shoe Box
 

1. Find an empty shoe box (approx 15 x 27 x 11cm). If the top of the lid of the shoe box is smaller than an A4 paper, the box will be suitable. Gift wrap the lid and box separately. Or purchase the official gift box for approximately 50cents (see photo above).

2. Determine if a boy or girl will receive your gifts. Select the age of the child (2-4 years, 5-9 years, or 10-14 years). Label your box. Include a special note for your child in the box.

3. Fill your shoe box with one or more items from each ‘something’:

3.1 SOMETHING TO LOVE - e.g. teddy bear, doll, soft toy, etc.
3.2 SOMETHING FOR SCHOOL – e.g. exercise book, pencil case, pens, pencils, colouring pencils, sharpener, eraser, chalk, etc.

3.3 SOMETHING TO WEAR – e.g. t-shirt, shorts, underwear, cap, beanie, sandals, thongs, etc.
3.4 SOMETHING TO PLAY WITH – e.g. tennis ball, cars, skipping rope, marbles, musical instrument, yo-yo, slinky, finger puppets, wind up torch, etc. (No battery operated items)*
3.5 SOMETHING FOR PERSONAL HYGIENE – e.g. soap and face washer, toothbrush, hairbrush, comb, hair-clips, scrunchies, etc.(No toothpaste)*
3.6 SOMETHING SPECIAL – e.g. carry bag, sunglasses, bangles, necklaces, craft kits, stickers, note or photo of yourself.

4. Make sure your gift box with the $9 donation (if not donated online) is dropped at one of the drop off points before October. Your $9 donation covers all project costs including staffing, warehousing and shipping in Australia and New Zealand to our receiving countries.

* Further information can also be downloaded in PDF version, available online - click here..

More Information

What gift items would you suggest for the different age groups?
It’s helpful to ask parents with children of these ages, but suggestion are:

2-4 years old: would especially love safe soft toys (no buttons that could be bitten off or cause choking); face washers, soap, toothbrush; but no small hard lollies, marbles or anything that could cause choking;

5-9 years old: would especially love school supplies, toothbrushes, toys such as dolls, balls, toy cars; mind-stimulating items such as solar calculators and musical instruments, paper and pencils; thongs, hats and/or T-shirts

10-14 years old: would be similar to the 5-9 years old, but are also ready for more challenging activities and craft items; girls would especially enjoy pretty dress-up items like hair clips and bangles, boys would especially love active games and gadgets as part of a varied box.

Where will the boxes be sent?
Over 8 million children around the world received shoe boxes last year. This year the boxes from Australia will be sent to South East Asia and the Asia Pacific region.

Please Note:

If we are in the same city, and you have new/unused gifts to spare, but not packing your own gift boxes, feel free to send them to me (by Monday 26th September). I was approved to endorse this at work and I am coordinating the drive so it will definitely be joined with other gifts. I will make sure that together they get sent to at least another child. Thank you :-)).

In Love In Napoli

An unforgettable story.

(Sharing one of my many fondest travel memories....)

It was summertime. A beautiful weekend morning. Perfect weather. I decided to be more adventurous and catch the bus from Torre Del Greco to Naples City Centre, instead of the suburban train called Vesuviana. I was told it was only one bus ride away, but I had to walk a different route to go to the bus stop. It appealed to the explorer in me, seeing the city from a different perspective, doing what I thought some locals would do. So off I went.

I got a little lost, but my basic Italian phrases and hand-flinging gestures (the Italian way of course) while I explained what I was trying to do eventually took me to the right stop, and with a cheaper transport ticket already bought from the tabacchi (local tobacco shop that sells many other items aside from smokes). I also found out that the bus I was waiting for did not run on weekends, but the other bus (the only bus that ran on weekends in the area) would still take me closer to the city.

Unfazed, I jumped into the first bus that arrived, beamed a smile to the driver and stated, "Bongiourno, Napoli Centrale per favore". He said something I didn't understand, I shook my head while I tried some more Italian phrases, he looked at me, then gestured me in. Success! I thought... ;-).

A few minutes later, the driver called me over, pointed to the other side of the main road and said something too fast and romantic for my ears to comprehend. But I quickly understood that he was telling me to catch the bus from there to go to my destination. Thankfully, between my non-existent Spanish language knowledge and "learn as I go" Italian, I actually worked out the bus numbers he mentioned. I thanked him and got off.

I did not wait long for the second bus. The same introduction happened between me and this driver (flashed a smile while I said "Napoli Centrale per favore", he replied, I didn't understand, he gestured me in). This was a longer bus ride. I soaked in the scenery and really saw suburbia. Some of the older locals conversed with me - they spoke broken English, I spoke broken Italian. It was so much fun!

At a busy intersection, the bus stopped where almost all passengers got off. The driver called me over again, told me it was my stop (I thought) or asked me to get off. I did not get any more directions. I strained my ears to hear numbers from the driver but nothing came out. So I alighted confused, asked a few bystanders for directions but no one could or wanted to help.

I was looking around trying to work out what to do when I noticed an old man calling me over with his hand. He had a typical casual look I imagined Italian grandfathers to be. He was leaning on a wooden cane, his back bent with age (past 75 years I thought), but still had a dignified or proud look about him. He was wearing a cream hat (hair neatly combed underneath), light-coloured short sleeve shirt, dark slacks, both top and pants neatly-ironed, and polished shoes. He looked debonair-ish.

I walked up to him and leaned my head closer, as I expected him to talk to me. Instead he took my hand and placed it on top of his arm, took me with him, and we crossed straight through the middle of the intersection! He was so old and frail that we walked at a snail's pace, his feet barely lifting from the ground, his cane always only a few inches forward. All the cars, mopeds and buses beeped but avoided us! He didn't seem to care so I entrusted my life to him, as he brought me to the other side of the road. I think it took us 3-5 minutes to cross a path that would have taken me 10 seconds to cross alone.

I felt love for the old man :-). Even though it would have been faster if he just pointed to where I should go, I loved that he decided to walk there with me. It was very sweet of him. It was an unforgettable experience to be in our own world while vehicles around us swerved and gave us space. I did not feel scared. I'm pretty sure I was even smiling, as I recalled some moped riders smiled back at me/us.

Our journey together eventually ended. I was about to thank him, when he spoke to someone in Italian. He was so chivalrous he also made sure that someone in the crowd could make sure I caught the right bus. I thanked him profusely. I kept saying "molte grazie" and thank you. He just smiled softly/shyly, gestured with his hand it was nothing, and simply replied, "prego". Then he turned around to continue his journey.

I was speechless.... He started crossing the road again - slowly - with everyone else avoiding him again, back to where we came from! I thought he at least planned to go to my side of the road too!

It was then, that very moment, when I fell in love with the old man :-)))).

He swept me off my feet and took a piece of my heart with him. A most heart-touching random act of kindness. His gestures were gallant, taking it upon himself to help a damsel in (di)stress. Personally leading me to where I needed to be. The effort it took (time and energy), when he could have just pointed it to me. The fact that he bothered. The fact that he made sure I did not have to ask further. He gave me protection, safety and security. I was so teary-eyed from happiness/gratefulness. I glowed with love I'm sure as the lady he spoke to, whom guided me straight to Napoli Centrale, kept nodding and beaming a smile back when I pointed to my noble knight. I think she understood what I was going through. I wanted to hug the old man, and kiss him on the cheeks. I wanted to take a photo of him. But to reach for my camera felt like it was going to ruin the moment. So I watched him walk further away from me, in slow-motion while people buzzed around him, until the bus arrived. A tiny part of me in disbelief, but a huge part wonderfully grateful for the "romance". ;-)

Help

This week I was made aware of my alleged "inability to ask for help". I'm not talking about "little help" like being taught how to cook carrot and lentils soup (so easy, but yet to make, hahah!) or asking how to tackle a task at work. Those are more like favours or gifts, like asking someone to wait for you because you are going to be late; getting a ride home; or being invited for dinner and getting fed home-cooked meals.

I was reminded by some friends that I could/should have asked them when I needed "big help" such as borrowing a car and asking another person to move my things to my new place. Or to call someone when I needed a friend instead of toughing it out alone. They knew I am more than capable; but I should not and do not need (to pretend) to be, or work hard, at being tough. I helped other people but I do not let other people know when there is a chance to help me back.

I don't think this is fully true, but I understood what they meant. I have thought about this a lot too, and noticed I did/do have a tendency to do things on my own, or silently. Main reasons were:

1. I did not want to be a burden
Everyone has problems, and never-ending tasks to do. A part of me felt if I asked for help it took people away from other tasks in their lives they also needed to do. So even if it was a little bit (okay, also a lot) harder or longer, since I was able, there was no reason why I could not undertake them on my own.

2. I was embarrassed to ask for help
Weakness was something I pushed against as I grew up to survive as well as to improve my life and surroundings. I remember truly disliking being helpless, so I took actions to not be in the same position again. In general, I was also uncomfortable explaining why I needed the help, as I needed to keep my privacy. To ask for help meant the possibility of revealing my situation at the time.

3. A sense of achievement
The combination of number 2 and the feeling of satisfaction from seeing the results of my hardwork made me happy and grateful. As I gained more life skills, I guess I became more confident and proud. Pride then I guess made me think, since I was no longer helpless, and I seemed to cope well on my own anyway, there was no reason for me bother and burden other people with my troubles.

4. Things got done faster or better
I felt I really had the knack to fix a lot of my problems and reached most of my goals. Plus I helped other people to achieve their goals too.

5. I did not want to deal with disappointment and let down
I had many disappointments from other people (didn't we all!). We all know the pain of being let down especially by the people we trusted the most, and our kindness being abused (or taken for granted) by those who were more takers than givers. I had also been placed in problematic situations by people who did not deliver the help as promised. So to obtain desired outcomes, the only way I thought I could guarantee ending the problems was by me doing the work myself (which pointed back to number 4).

6. Accepted the pretence or change of heart
People don't know (of course!) that when I asked for help, it was really uncomfortable for me but I admitted to needing it. I had made a few mistakes of assuming someone was truly willing to help (even declared it loudly to me), but it was not really in their hearts to do so. Or they were really more focused on their own life. Or their relationships with other people were more important to them (than with me). Fast forward, they faded away from the picture.

HOWEVER, in spite of all that, I was blessed with wonderful people, whom with their help made it possible for me to be where I am now - with all my experiences and in my current situation. Examples are abundant and most generous:

- a friend deposited and left a lot of money in my account while I was overseas to lessen the interests charged and to avoid bank penalties on a debt that was under my name
- friends welcomed me and let me live in their house for free for several months while I resettled
- a friend force-fed me when I could not eat after the death of a family member
- a friend offered to buy a real estate property with me (most of the downpayment not mine, but I still would own half) to get me back on track financially or to kickstart my investments
- a friend told me to go home (willing to pay for my ticket without asking me if I needed it, as long as I knew I could get out) when I was in my "dark moments"
- a friend picked me up at the airport after midnight at short notice, after I chose to visit my friend's country again instead of going home
- friends made sure the big car was available to help move to my stuff, and bought a bedframe for my new place (the one before where I am now)
- friends secured and stored stuff I unintentionally left overseas, even though they probably did not have much space in their homes
- a friend/colleague offered to negotiate with the bank for me to get the same interest rate (higher than advertised) my friend is getting on cash investments (my friend has bargaining power with the bank, lots of investments and strong relationship)

A special mention, when I had no choice but to need help - six strangers took good care of me when I was detained, and made sure I was treated well while I was under their care (one of them even defended me when I was about to leave, from someone who assumed the reasons I was held, and ensured that that someone understood the situation). I remember only two names from their group, but my interactions with all of them imbedded in my memories.

I am most grateful to their selfless giving - people at work, the people I met through the years, and to my best friends. They wanted to help even when I didn't ask, or they didn't have a lot to offer. They gave when I needed the help the most. No begging, no explanations, all out of kindness. Because of them I became more comfortable to admit my weakness and my needs. I did not accept a lot of help offered but it was humbling, touching and relieving to be given them as options. Thank you. Even the words "thank you" does not feel enough to convey how much I appreciated what they've all done for me and this lesson they made me learn.

...I know there are many people out there like me. It is good to be you, keep up the good work. Just be mindful of how far you (unnecessarily) push yourself. This year especially, I have been made aware that it is okay to yield instead of fight life's hardships and trials. Be very responsible, celebrate your achievements, but allow yourself to admit needing help. Don't be afraid to take a chance on people. You do not have to carry your world alone on your shoulder. For every five or ten people that will disappoint, many more or one will satisfy or please you, and make you happy you asked for help.

Beautiful Sunday

Today's weather forecast was cold, raining and grey. As usual, world news was also full of sadness, conflicts and loss. And tonight, it is freezing! It’s easy for our mood to be brought down by it all, including by events in our daily lives. So it is important to always try to focus on the good things in life. Some time back I wrote in my social networking profile's status update:

 

"Be thankful. There are so many things to be thankful for. Quit taking things for granted and be thankful, it makes it special. People are special, what you do is special, what happens to you is special, what you have in your life is special. You have to make things special or you’ll get into a traditional humdrum blah feeling and then really, it is your own fault."

With this ideology, allow me to illustrate by using today.

I woke up knowing today was going to be a horrible day. Not a good time to be outside, easier to cancel plans instead, and hibernate. I was also quite physically tired, even fatigued. I logged in to a social networking site and behold, status updates showed lots of sad news. Aware that our actions and mindframe has a strong effect on our mental state and how well/badly our daily lives pan out, I refused to let myself feel down. I was cheerful despite of the negativity and problems I faced. I posted the song that popped in my head, which seemed suitable enough for a Sunday and stated:

“Lotsa sad news worldwide as status updates are showing me…. I’m off to church… and this chirpy song is playing in my head… a reminder to not take life (now) and love (when you find it) for granted…. Do good and be good, love and accept love. Lovelots! Xx :-)”.

Click here if interested to listen to the song while reading this blog :-).... I followed my update with:

"by the way, it's very cold, wet, and grey outside. But I'm walking in that rain with a smile on my face, enjoying today!! :-)))”.

And I did! My huge umbrella wide open, listening to gospel songs in my music player while also singing "Beautiful Sunday" in my head (I don't know how that was possible, but that was how it was), enjoying the cold air - I walked smirking/smiling with a little skip to my steps. I even did a little dance in the rain, like I was softly kicking imaginary puddles or doing a low cancan, hahahah! It made the guy walking past me smile and he did what looked like a Greek dance where he crisscrossed his legs moving sideways with his hands outstretched. We both laughed and nodded goodbye to each other, not stopping to continue our journeys. A moment shared, our good humour infectious!

The looong walk to church in dismal weather became bearable (no trams passed by!). After attending the service, a meeting (where I received good news, thank you!) and a nice cheap lunch (I’m on a tight budget, so this was appreciated), I walked out to a glorious sunny day! I was so surprised, so unexpected! Immediately my good mood level went higher some more. I needed to move more of my belongings to my new place today. A dry day was exactly what I needed! Thank you!

I missed the tram so I had to walk (home) again. My body felt too tired to chase after the tram I could see ahead. While walking I saw an older woman who seemed stressed. The map in her hand a giveaway, she wanted to go back to her hotel which was not too far off where I was heading. We walked together laughing and exchanging stories. I dropped her off, she was very appreciative. We had such a good time that when I looked back after crossing the street, she was still smiling and waving goodbye to me! Sweet! I smiled and waved back and continued on. Our chance meeting made the walk feel shorter and more fun – I was thankful for that too.

I was running out of energy. I knew I could only do one trip. So I filled my backpack and 2 other bags full and loaded myself up like a mule. I think altogether I was carrying between 30 to 40 kilograms. Food stuff is always packed small yet heavy, so my hand-carry felt like it it was more than 10kg. The other bag I carried across my body, lighter but very bulky. The backpack behind me felt like another person.

I walked out still surprised and thankful it was sunny. There was no way I could foot travel the 20+ minutes (without baggage) to my new place, I would probably faint from exhaustion halfway to it! I dreaded the long wait for the 2 trams I had to catch (up to 20 minutes each, which felt like eternity in my condition at the time). I walked to the stop for the second tram (a short distance), where the tram arrived pretty much as soon as I got to it. We were packed in like sheep but I got in. Woohoo! Thank you.

It was a huge relief to drop down my bags at my new place (and doing the trip only once). While unpacking I looked out my window/balcony and realised aside from the building in front of my apartment, I actually have a nice unblocked view of the city! I believed I would only see other buildings; through people’s apartment windows; and an unattractive landscape. The view is not as good as my other city apartments, but it is still attractive. Awesome! Thank you.

I was getting ready to leave when my housemate’s friend arrived. She mentioned they were going to the gym. Though I thought I saw a sign saying “gym” at the reception foyer when I was inspecting the apartment, I did not know we had a gym! I must have been so focused on finding a “long term” nest, which was stressful at the time. Another nice surprise. We also have a pool, yaaahhoo! A few days ago I felt sad thinking I would lose the pool. My current place has a nice heated lap pool and gym, but I could only use them outside business hours. Tenants use was restricted as both facilities were connected to a private gym business. I loved the fact I still had the option, but I actually gave up using the pool as the restriction was a huge hindrance for me. I was usually too lazy or dressed comfortably for bed by the time it was open to tenants.... I still haven’t seen my new apartment’s gym and swimming pool. The pool may be a quarter of the size of a lap pool but it is accessible all the time until closing times. My gratefulness finding my new place increased - seeming to have good housemates; a very clean home; perfect location; easy access to a gym and a pool; cheaper costs long term; feeling safe and stable; and being chosen to live there by my landlord. It became the best “home sweet home”! Thank you God. I trusted you and again you provided, beyond my expectations.

Outside, the sun was setting and it was still clear weather. I was tired but beaming with happiness and gratitude, just the right “perk me up” I needed, ready to walk back to my old place again. I was hopeful but already expecting to not see a tram. There it was 3 stops away, giving me ample time to walk slowly to the next stop. Nice.

I alighted one stop past my usual (my place could be reached between the two), was about to walk back towards my apartment, when I noticed… in front of me was a clear enough view of my old apartment and my workplace. I wanted to have a photograph of the two together but I didn’t know how I could fit them in and still be distinguishable. There it was in front of me hahahah! With a sufficient enough phone camera and just enough daylight left, I took the memorable/sentimental photos. A few passers-by could not understand why I was so happy snapping into a direction “without a landmark nor an interesting view” - “bloody tourists”, they probably thought, hahahah!

I reached home, hungry, and in my fridge was the beef stew cooked for me by a friend who visited a few days ago. He intentionally cooked extra so I could put it aside to eat properly for a day like today (too tired, home-delivered meals or microwave-ready food only please!). Delicious dinner, with cake for dessert, was served.

A day that started with very little promise, ended up with overwhelming and generous reminders of goodness and kindness!

Life is good. Blessings are continuous and abundant. Appreciate what you have, especially the little things, even if you personally think they are random or circumstantial.

My earlier post "Spiritual" gave a glimpse of my relationship with God. So I will also say, thank you Lord for taking care of me, and giving me what I need plus more, surrounding me with good people, and showing me the wonders and joys of life from basic things. I feel so blessed. You are an awesome God.

10 Things I Love and Miss - Middle of Winter's List

Ten Things I Love This Winter

1. Sunny breaks
2. Random acts of kindness from strangers
3. New kindhearted friends
4. Acts of kindness by friends
5. Finally finding “long-term” accommodation where I can really settle in to concentrate on other pursuits
6. My mom, niece and nephew together at last (mom to spend time with another nephew soon I hope!)
7. Spiritual growth
8. International home-cooked meals made for me by friends, yum!
9. Quality time with my family
10. Having the means and ability to properly take care of myself - not being helpless

Ten Things I Miss This Winter

1. Hot chocolate drink with marshmallows
2. Full body massage
3. Summertime spent in North Coast, Egypt (or Dahab)
4. Travelling, learning and experiencing a new country and it’s people/culture
5. My brain or specifically my memory – I can't seem to keep what I learn in nowadays, eg languages…. I take longer to understand technical knowledge lately too. Hope it’s not because I am getting old, hahahah!
6. My little Delight’s purrs, meows, nudges, hugs and affection (my cat, she passed away while I was overseas, broke my heart)
7. Lying down in the park – it’s too cold and wet at the moment!
8. Really engaging conversations
9. Salsa, or learning a new dance (I’ve been interested in learning tango for 3 years now, but my dance partners are overseas!)
10. Active outdoors fun – hiking, camping, snorkelling, sailing, abseiling, hide and seek, tag, kite flying, etc - anything active really, done with nature or outside

 

Spiritual

Many people have heard me describe myself as "spiritual". I deemed this term closest to my feelings and faith towards God. I also always hesitated to call myself "religious". The main reasons for my past silence and hesitance were:

1. I liked the privacy (with regards my relationship with God);

2. I had disappointing experiences from other Christians; and

3. I felt I was not always setting a "perfect" example, so I did not want non-Christians to be able to use me as an example of a "bad Christian".

I learnt about God just like most children, when we got taught to recite "Our Father" and do the sign of the cross. However, my family was not devout, or rarely practiced. I did not grow up within a family that disciplined me and instilled in me religious values. They did not even know I attended church. I could have easily been an agnostic by default.

My relationship with God blossomed on its own. I always felt Him caring for me, nurturing me, protecting me, and guiding me - even when I didn't know who He was. From 6 years old I already did not agree to praying to other saints and did not understand why I was being told I could not speak directly to God (as I was unclean so I had to go through priests and confess my sins to them). The God I knew/felt was more loving and welcoming. Of course I was too young to voice out my understanding, so I was confused until I attended a Christian school for 2 years when I was about 9 years old. I later moved to another school where I became more exposed to my family's other religion, but I continued to attend a Christian fellowship until I left school to move overseas. Unfortunately it was then, overseas (now home), where I had disappointing experiences from other Christians. Circumstances and relationship then fostered my "private worship" for more than a decade.

In my years of private worship I thought I stayed close to God. I poured my heart out to Him and He knew me inside out. I just talked to Him everywhere, and did not concern myself with practices or structures. He continued to care for me. He nurtured me, forgave me, loved me, protected me, provided for me, inspired me, pushed me, encouraged me, soothed me and guided me - but this time I knew who He was. I was not living life exactly as written in the Bible (hence my hesitation to call myself a "practicing/religious Christian"), but everything I was - my achievements and my various growths - I owed to God. I was who I became because He brought me up. I always felt His love and presence. I was confident and capable because of God, and I thanked Him constantly, albeit silently.

I was confident and capable, to a fault. I once got told by a colleague I should never stop asking God for things. I mentioned to my Bible study group at work that I already felt very blessed. Other people had stronger needs, so I was thanking Him for my blessings, but only asked for very simple things (eg "please make my train late or my feet run fast", when I was running late for work). It felt selfish to ask for more. God always gave me what I needed (though not all I wanted), or He gave me the ability/means to get what I wanted on my own. So all I asked for were strength, courage, wisdom, serenity and humour to deal with life crises He would throw at me.

The glass was mostly "more than half full". Problems were tackled quickly and dreams were confidently chased (okay, maybe with some nervous crying). But I forgot about Satan affecting my life coz when bad situations arose I dealt with them immediately with the skills and wisdom I learned with God's help; or I toughened them out. I always thought there were far worse problems in the world; and God would not have given me the problems I faced if He thought I would not have been able to survive them. So I guess, I knew I would feel pain, but I was still invincible...? That was how much I loved God and trusted God.

During my walkabout (long travels) I started searching for a church (which I found in Notting Hill Gate, London. I'm so grateful Kensington Temple does webcast). I had spiritual questions that baffled me and I knew I wouldn't find the answers on my own. It took a while for me to understand (and I am still learning, with the help of my new church here at home). Life stayed good, even when it was not perfect, I was still grateful for many things.

I had a truly amazing experience travelling! And I met many awesome people whom I wonderfully kept in contact with - good friends! Unfortunately though my worst life experiences to date, or "dark moments", also happened then. I dealt with those moments as positively as I could at the start, as I thought God made me "battle ready". I admit that in my trust and love for God, plus because I felt God's protection and love for me my whole life, I thought He would not let me go through those awful events or let wicked people affect me. So I simply asked for my usual top five - strength, courage, wisdom, humour and serenity. Instead I became continuously vulnerable and repeatedly beaten down by an onslaught of events and losses.

I lived a double life - lots of travels, fun, opportunities and friends; but I was crushed and beaten down in other aspects of my life. I suffered almost as much as I enjoyed life. The blessings were followed with griefs and misfortunes. I always travelled with sickness, sorrow, or a heavy burden/heart. Yet I could not disregard being very grateful I was still able to live my dreams!! My lowest breaking point was when my eldest brother passed away. I felt my strength to fight forward leave me. Absolute vulnerability. Life's trials continued but I was numbed. A handful of people were aware of parts of what had been happening, some wanted me to stop travelling and go home. I did go home/give up, but it was the escape of travel and living my dream (or forcing myself to continue travelling) that kept my spirit ignited (or at least kept me busy as I had to survive in foreign countries). So I carried on with all I was given (blessings and griefs); pursued my travels while I tried to heal instead of staying home; and let go of what was not mine or never mine to hold on to.

Years of reflecting later, I still do not understand if there was a purpose to those experiences (according to God's plans). I also cannot fully determine how much of it I should blame solely on myself and my decisions/actions/folly (human responsibility). I do not know how much of my bad experiences were God's doing, if any; and how much were not (e.g spiritual battles). But my faith in God is strong, He brought me up well and I will always have Him as my foundation. In my deepest sorrow I had some moments where I felt alone, God showed me He was with me, or with us. In my lowest points when I had trouble communicating with God He reminded me that He equipped me enough to still pull through. I forgot to just trust Him fully, as I kept trying to understand the situations and fix/deal/survive them on my own. Maybe that was THE lesson I had to learn and remember. Or maybe, God used me to remind others of their lessons. I don't know. I do not have to understand. I'm just glad they are over now :-).

I made a lot of bad decisions and bad reactions. There was a time where I was VERY scared as I saw myself morph into a person I did not like and I never thought I would become (I let God down and I let myself down). I felt powerless to stop it and even felt I needed to be it to survive or to love. I almost convinced myself to believe the warped mentality, a conditioning I found out a lot of women (and some men) accepted. It was the top five characteristics I always asked God to give me that pulled me out of this mess and the other matters I battled - strength, courage, wisdom, serenity and humour.

Now when I feel fragile, I have some learned reactions I cannot shake off. Maybe I need those instinctive reactions to protect myself from harm and dangerous situations/people I could face in my future (mis)adventures, especially if I will be alone. Maybe they made me more human. I was so assured in the past, it even amazes me now how invincible I felt! What I were was unintentionally self-righteous, because I really did not understand, even though I thought I did (looking in from outside). Going through some experiences myself, I feel I have a deeper understanding to humanity. Sympathy about certain situations has turned into empathy, which I know is better and more compassionate towards what others are going through. I also learnt more about unconditional forgiveness; accepting loss (or never owning what I had let go); friendships in spite/despite of; healing; resilience; and truthful/unselfish love.

I am more flawed and faulty, with new bad habits. A part of me wishes for the old me back - I seemed so good, shiny and perfect then compared to me now. I was unknowing but much easier to handle. However, there's something about the way I am developing that is also... interesting.... Like a series of artwork and I've only seen the start. Hopefully a working progress :-). I know it's weird to talk of one's self this way, but I cannot help wonder how I will turn out... :-).

Life is such a curious journey. And I am still a willing student :-).... I will sign off with my favourite scripture from the Bible, which is Proverbs 3:5-6.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."

Open Rebuke Is Better Than Hidden Love

When we truly care for or love someone, we let them get away with much, to make life comfortable. We are not perfect. We cannot judge. We have to be patient, supportive and understanding. But, when you see the person/group is making bad decisions and choices, repeatedly (or for the first time), we should talk to them. Especially when everyone else is talking about this person's issue amongst each other but not with him/her! Bring up the issue/s even at the risk of offending or putting ourselves in uncomfortable situations.

How we should handle each situation is hard to simplify. It is often delicate to balance when to speak out and when to accept other people's faults and flaws, so as not to judge when we too are imperfect.

I used to just call it "tough love". Now, the verse "Better is open rebuke than hidden love (Proverbs 27:5)" also springs to mind. I was known for being peaceful and patient. A friend recently told me she's known me for more than 10 years and she'd seen me "crack it" only twice. The first time was to my partner at the time - but she wasn't sure if I really did. She just remembered I started talking in a different language which she assumed I did for privacy, heheheh. The second time was towards her, which she knew even at the time she deserved. I do not like it - tough love - however, I had been compelled to practice it on too many occasions.

Open rebuke is better than hidden love. I can be harsh if needed, but in general I prefer to approach gently, as that is how I would like to be handled if I am being corrected :-)....

Time to sleep! Find my peace again, ugh!

Bucket For Two

Tonight I got asked to write down one or two things I would put in my bucket list. We were told to write no more than two options.

For those who don't know what a "bucket list", it is basically a list of what you would like to achieve or experience before you die, also known as when you "kick the bucket".

My choices limited (I can think of hundreds of things to put in the bucket), it clearly clarified what I deemed important. I wrote:

1. To see my (children and) grandchildren (grow). - Hopeful life journeys
2. To see the 7 wonders of the world. - Achievable adventures

I still can't think of anything better than those two, that is realistic and not influenced by situations/circumstances like war, health, faith, relationships or ambition. They're not in the bucket list because they are purposes driving me/us now.

This also made me think of a blog I wrote in 2006 - "This Lady Can Dream". The dreams I listed then are still accurate, surprisingly! I'm glad to see that some of them came true.

...I wondered which top two people would choose?... What's important to us now?

You choose the colours of your life.... Dream. Explore. Discover.