Eight More Days of Reflection

* This week's activities also logged to compare to last week's post to see if I am really busy and out of curiousity - what do I notice in life as I go through my days (those I can share online anyway).

Tuesday:

‎1. Monday lunchtime's circuit class ran today. Getting better at gecko crawling and dips (with assist). We did alternating sets of pushups (with situps) and I was freaking out that I was finishing each set!!! Stronger! :-).... Expected to be "4th man" again tomorrow for the "men's boxing session".... ACK!!!!

2. Managed to rush to the fashion week's powder room to get *name withheld* (elderly long-term contractor at work) a free goodie bag. I'm gonna add to it stuff I got from shows and other goodie bags. I would love to make her smile :-) ♥. Thank you to a colleague/"twin sister" for leaving work early and agreeing to reserve my spot.

3. Late for Alpha duty, no tram passed - I Walked SO FAST it brought back memories when I used to compete in long-distance walkathons! I used my bag and hand-carries to cover up my rapid "swaggles" :-). TIRING! My shins and legs in slight pain (was wearing inappropriate sandals, then stood for several hours).

4. Today kitchen duties were easier, becoming pro :-). Must remember that the "sweeping thingie" that is not a vacuum is called a broom ;-) !!

Wednesday:

1. New bruise, same spot.... Felt very fragile and tender when I woke up today. Pushed my femininity aside to be a "man" during lunchtime boxercise with 3 guys; and to learn more, as a woman, from self defense training after work.

2. Many people decidedly spoke to me about having kids, today and yesterday. With or without a man. Out of love for children (the child a love gift to myself) versus with love for a man (the child a love gift to a man). THEY can (and making me) feel my clock ticking at 35. :-/

3. I had a near miss while walking home tonight, maybe almost died, or severely hurt. Very strong wind carried a piece of metal that nearly struck my neck or face. I felt it touch me, but am okay.... It made me think about who I last spoke to (bestie); whom I last said I love you to (mommy); regrets in life and love (very few handful); point #2 above; and if I should follow my heart or my mind.

4. (I'm leaving this blank tonight. The remnants of above are enough to deal with for today.)

Thursday:

‎1. Unisex boxercise = 1300+ punches and 135+ pushups, then switched roles. I'm not hurting. I'm actually very okay. Didn't partner with instructor, thankfully, so I didn't work out as hard. With half of March gone, I am trying to avoid injuries. Satisfied with my current fitness level. Also looking forward to life/schedule being less hectic after this military-style event.

2. Balance between work deadlines, fitness preparation, spiritual and family life a constant juggling act.

3. Home after 10pm, too late and too hungry to swim. Either do other exercises inside home (not motivated), forget about it (preferred), or swim early in the morning tomorrow before heading to work (not keen, may not happen).... *Went 7.30am Friday, dedication! :-).*

4. After a quick shower and quick dinner, could not stay awake. Asleep within minutes.

Friday:

‎1. I could not put down my work so I ended up with a VERY late lunchbreak. It was quite nice to be ALONE in the gym! I was singing out loud listening to Sarah Blasko's songs, while pumping weights! ;-)

2. Left a friday night out and fell asleep much earlier than planned. :-/

3. Woke up for early morning devotion and to catch up on studies (5 days behind, haven't look at it this week!)

4. Got nothing for #4. Didn't do much... :-))))))

Saturday:

‎1. Two weeks worth of laundry (2 loads) d-o-n-e!!! :-))

2. Swam freestyles (breathed sideways mostly without help from my snorkel, yey!) and breaststrokes.... A family with uncontrollable kids arrive so I stopped after 35mins. I played underwater instead and noticed my legs were naturally bouyant, always floated up. I pretended I was a synchronised swimmer - lotsa somersaults and twists. FUN! ;-))

3. Opera night - La Boheme.

4. Searched for and drank green beer - St Patrick's Day.

Sunday:

1. Been singing a lot lately.... today I sang praises fully and loudly during the 9am service, at home while alone, in the park, and in the shower. ♥

2. Mommy time. I love kissing her on her cheeks - public displays of affection! ♥

3. Sabbath - day of rest! Did as little chores as possible. No exercise. Mostly slept and read a book. ♥

4. So relaxed! - Laid down in the park with my scarves, drink and books/notes. Read with 50s big band music playing softly from my phone. I realised aside from the 3 free concerts I attended I haven't enjoyed summer outdoors this season! I rolled off my scarf several times to enjoy the cool grass - it felt great underneath me while the sun warmed my skin!! ♥

Monday:

1. Even after sleeping and resting most of yesterday, I woke up late for work today. It was hard to peel me off the bed. Lots of tasks to do.

2. Monday lunchtime circuit class. I’m thankful for group sessions like this. I don’t have to think too much about how to exercise. I just need to work out hard.

3. Yawned several times during the lecture tonight. Long day at work. With this class to attend (7-9pm), food shopping afterwards, then swimming (could only do laps for 25mins), and finally dinner (after 11pm).

4. I look at my room – 2 loads of laundry to fold and put away piled in one corner; a messy table where everything I touched but haven’t finished using yet or haven’t had time to properly put away are “resting”; excess junk food that won’t fit in the pantry; homework/study notes to read and do…. Oganised chaos or just mess??? No time now to fix, and when I could spare the time (on Sunday), I decided to give myself rest instead…. I could fold the clothes now, but it's already 12.30am and I'm still writing this post!!!! I need to sleep!!! :-/

Tuesday:

1. Surprised to wake up late again!!?! Dressed sleepily, remembered only that the weather would be hot, so I ended up wearing a summer dress to work that was probably a bit risque (short). Walked in windy weather afterwork (thankfully I had the foresight to wear bikeshorts underneath my dress). Cleaned the kitchen, served food and vacuumed the hall in inappropriate attire (think knives, hot water and bare legs). Survived the day with my modesty intact – thank you God! :-)

2. Grateful for the dinner I ate that was prepared for the Alpha course. With some to take home too for tomorrow’s lunch/dinner! I waited almost a year for tonight’s soup!! Yum!

3. One hour lunchtime gym session (rower, weights and stamina/core strengthening exercises). After kitchen duties, straight to the pool to swim mostly breaststrokes for 30 minutes. Harder workout than freestyles. I can really feel the tensions on my body without the spa to help relieve my muscles. Spa’s been out of service since Saturday!!! I don’t know when/how to make time for a masseuse!

4. Everything is and will be pretty much the same as last week. I realised I am balancing life well enough so I’m relieved. Feeling a sense of peace from accepting what is and will be, yet still adaptable for life to not go according to my plans. I also noticed I’ve been trying to less busy since last year. But my interest in soooh many things made it unlikely. I know after this military obstacle course event, I already have plans lined up to take up my "freed time". I felt the push towards these goals. Life is always about accepting or making changes. Accept or change? Accept or change :-).

What's In A Week?

Tuesday:

‎1. Felt so weak I gave up training in the gym after 30 minutes.
2. Played hard to catch - cute guy gave me "the interested look" while we walked fast over the bridge. At the stop light he said, "hi, (blah blah) you walk fast but it looks nice". I said thanks and continued my fast walk. He tried to keep up, letting me know he was racing with me. I left him behind after 3 blocks. Couldn't remove the smile on my face ;-).
3. Headed home (8.30pm) with a big container full of boiled rice and IT WAS HEAVY! I struggled to carry it!! The whole time I was thinking, "how am I going to cope carrying a LOG at the end of this month!!!??!

4. Did my 45mins of swimming. A guy of a certain descent used the pool with me. As I passed him, his hand reached towards me, ACK!! I grabbed hold of it in time! I stood up still holding his hand, and asked him what he was trying to do!!!? He apologised, said he was not a good swimmer. I let go, and told him to be careful please as I did not want the incident repeated. Lucky for him I couldn't do much underwater! To think I thought I could let my guard down now.... :-/

Wednesday:

‎1. Slept after 3am, chinwagged (oopsie, hahah). Woke up before 8am. Tried to be creative but could not match clothes and footwear for 30mins. Kept thinking, "what the heck am I wearing!!??!".
2. Stepping out of the gym after 15mins of not trying. Three guys walked in, in need of a 4th person to partner up for boxing. I said, "okay but softly softly for me please, I feel flat". More than a 1500 punches and 115 pushups later, I switched places with our instructor and did it all over again with him (caught the punches)!! Great news was he said I was ready for the obstacle course event, woohoo!!!

3. Rushed after work to Krav Maga session where tonight I learned a variety of groin kicks and how to roundhouse on both legs.
4. Thankful for the spa to soothe my pulped arms and bruised legs. Wishing for a sports massage. Praying for restful and unbroken sleep. Good night ♥ xoxox !

Thursday:

‎1. Restful sleep until 3am, devotion and studies until 5.30am. Back to sleep until time to go to work.
2. Attended our usual boxercise session - today 700+ punches and 75 pushups then switched roles. Each punch I threw and caught felt like I was also getting hit across my ribs. OOOUCCHHH! Fellas were impressed yesterday and surprised/glad I showed up for todays class. (I have so many bruises....) I admit feeling good about my instructor also being in pain coz it meant I made the workout hard for him too, eheheh.

3. Cooked a feast of fried rice!!! Ack! Still had to throw away a lot of leftover boiled rice :-/ ....
4. Just decided to go to the spa again now before I continue my studies. Thankful tonight will be more relaxed, just relaxing at home. Praying to learn my lessons well and to apply them well in life.

Friday:

‎1. Nothing is worse than preferring to sleep but waking up alert in the middle of the night. Yet, had lots of clear thoughts about myself, my passions/styles, and others/interactions/relationships. Experienced an epiphany that was so clear I could not deny nor disregard it... ♥ scared/excited ♥.
2. Attracted a LOT of dogs today... all of them followed my scent well. Helped with some canine training :-).

3. I always said I have mostly great colleagues. Today (this week) was full of reminders of why I appreciated them. Thank you always ♥. For example within the gym today, while I practised my kicks on the punching bag, a colleague stopped his own training to hold the body pad so I could kick him instead! Then another helped to fine-tune my moves. Then another offered to work on other combos with me next week. Plus the other 3 who were already advising/training/helping me! I'm so blessed ♥.
4. Fashion Week started. Melbourne is full of beauuuuwwwtiful looking people!! It's great, fun to dress up (love that the guys are making an effort too), socialise with the "in" crowd, and giggle with the girls.... BUT, in the scheme of things, it felt... full of.... utter meaninglessness :-/.... If there is light in the soul, there will be beauty in the person :-).

Saturday:

‎1. No workout today. Not even a pushup or situp ♥ :-))).
2. Almost bought a big rock on a ring - blingy but classy. Stopped by a friend who was adamant diamond rings should be given to a girl, or else buy myself the a diamond pendant or earrings instead...?? :-(
3. Feels weird having "thinned" hair.... Hairdresser said I had enough for 2 people. She cut them off and left me with much less than half to work with, eheheh, ack.
4. Celebrated birthdays and birth ♥.

Sunday:

‎1. I love going to church on Sundays. It is a part of my day that I devote to God. During my sojourns (2007 onwards) it helped to focus my whirlwind life. I still don't know where I got my energy those mornings I ran to church for the 9am service when I was dancing and awake with girlfriends til after 4am!!?! Nowadays I'm more into growing and getting to know his Word.
2. Two birthdays, one lunch, yummy cake! Happy birthday!! :-) Sorry I couldn't join the group to the fair. And fyi, as per conversation,http://eniar.org/news/Moomba.html, hihihih!
3. More fashion and girliness with mommy, sister and sis' friend. ♥
4. Ran for the pool to squeeze in 30mins of swimming! But it was already locked, lights off, and closed early!!! UGH! Did a few pushups at home instead (uninspired).

Monday:

1. Public holiday, yey! Grateful for the extra day off ♥. Still woke up way too early but lazed in bed watching Bambi II and Pinocchio. Blogged too -"I'mPerfect". Please say it again, “I’m perfect”… :-).
2. Swam freestyle for 45mins, 20-25mins of it without the snorkel's mouthpiece. Drowned maybe 10 times, but kept going, ack :-). My ears are still clogged. Stayed 30mins in the spa afterwards. My body feels strong but I seem to take longer to recuperate.... Signs of older age??? :-/

3. Thank you God. I finally did not feel sleepy and was even very attentive during tonight's lecture (lesson 4)! ♥
4. Grocery shopping (thankful shop open til midnight) – ALL healthy foods. I have lots of excess/junk foods in my pantry (I did not buy). I don't know what to do with them, where to hide or place them!!??! I feel bad feeding them to friends, colleagues and groups as they complain about temptations or their diets ruined! l really wish they were healthy snacks, or proper foods, then I would have eaten all of them by now. My head starts to ache when I see them. Is it possible to get stressed from seeing too much junk food?? :-/

I’mPerfect

…. Those times you describe yourself as “imperfect”, I am asking you to change how you say it to “im perfect”. Imagine the word, put a space between the letters ‘m’ and ‘p’, then read it out (aloud or in your head, as long as you say it). “I’m perfect.”

Say it again, “I’m perfect”… :-).

It’s not about ego, or pride or vanity. It’s about knowing that how we communicate to ourselves is pivotal to how well we like and accept who we are. We (our minds) demand and expect so much from ourselves. To the point of not being acceptably happy with whom we are and what we have.

I understand and agree that we all have our flaws and weaknesses. It is part of being human. And we either strive to improve ourselves, accept who we are, or wallow in our different levels of self-pity. Striving to improve and self-acceptance are healthier stages in life we should always be at. It is also okay to feel less or pity one’s self at times. Life is much tougher for some people (e.g. physical disabilities, but I found they usually have better self-image than those who are able-bodied). However, these negative self-talks are only okay temporarily, and only if they inspire you to change and improve your situation/self; or only if you know you are just being dramatic, because deep down you know you don’t really believe the complaints you are highlighting in your foolish head :-).

I know too many people who are not happy with something about them. It could be:

- Physical (too short, too tall, too dark, too light, scarred skin, knocked-knees, big hips, no waist, square butt, no butt, huge ass, grey hair, curly hair, straight hair, big feet, small feet, common faced, goofy faced, square-eyed, flat nose, crooked nose, witch’s nose, too lanky, too stocky, sagging breast, flat chest, huge breast, too fat, too skinny, not sexy, not hot, not gorgeous, not pretty enough – you get the picture); or

- Abilities/Inabilities (not smart enough, too slow, can’t cook, can’t swim, can’t drive, can’t speak other languages, can’t public speak, stutter, can't stop snoring, can’t dress well, can’t be creative, not brave, not confident, not good enough)

These inner dialogues are unhealthy and unkind! We need to shift our mindframe into understanding that we are all created to be different. And that it is absolutely okay to be however we were built, and to be struggling with how to deal with some things. Concentrate on your strengths, on doing well what you can, and you’ll see the flaws are not the bigger picture. What you consider your flaws, others may even see as your charms :-).

Accept what you are given and work on what you have. You are perfect.

Clearly

Yesterday (last night) was interesting....

I started my day very tired, when I woke up. I prayed to feel better, then crawled to and around work. Prayed for superhuman strength and partnered up with Hulk(!!!), our trainer(!!), during boxercise (he complimented me for doing well, met him punch for punch and never dropped down, thank you God). Prayed for more energy as I walked from work to attend a volunteers' meeting after 6pm. Thanked God I was home around 10.30pm. Showered etcetera. Sort of resting in bed after 11.30pm.

I turned on my laptop to check online life quickly. Prayed to God thanking Him for my healing and my endurance; then prayed for more strength/alertness, guidance and clarity to write my next blog. I was setting up to get comfortable when suddenly my netbook turned off. It did not feel like it caught on anything but the plug/fourth/jack (what is it called?) that goes into the computer dislodged, for no obvious reason. The battery was not connected.

Confused I looked around the cord and my netbook, made sure it was not tangled. I deduced that I probably yanked my netbook too hard without realising. In my mind I also spoke to God, "Is this you telling me to not write? Telling me enough, go to sleep? I don't know but if my netbook turns off again, I will assume so....".

I turned the computer on again, placed it securely on my bed. Set my alarm. Turned off the light. Picked up my netbook to place it on top of my pillow.... OFF! The cord disconnected again! I sat there carrying my netbook mid-air, digesting the event. My bullheadedness considered turning it on again. Either I wanted to test God again, to be sure; or because I did not want to give up(!) frustratingly(!) over a simple obstacle/coincidence. I lowered my laptop on the table, then went to bed. I was knocked out, asleep within minutes....

Today I reflected on what happened. I was quite glad I listened. I really needed to sleep. I got so caught up with doing so much and praying for restful sleep instead, because I was assured God would give it. I grew up this way and He always empowered me. So despite my fears and fragility, I had the tendency to still push forward with (over)confidence, loving life and living with/to love....

Also, if I forced myself to write about the topic I formed in my head, I would have written it in very tired and emotional state. I prayed to God to guide my writing. He knew I was not in the right frame of mind. Knowing how I would be like (stubborn, especially when tired) He answered my prayers in a manner that would be clear to me. Thank God I listened.