Answered Prayers

I always joke, "be careful what you pray for (because you just might get it)".

This is true in my case, all my life, as far as I can remember. Well, not all the time, because I have different levels of prayers, and I don't see all the results. Sometimes I pray to God on the run and/or I'm very distracted that I don't even finish the sentences in my head (I call them bullet point conversations). Sometimes I couldn't even "talk", I just felt my emotions, in His presence. Other times I only questioned. There were times when I prayed randomly/specifically/on request for people/events/places. Other times I made requests/pleaded/lamented/demanded.

I noticed those intentional prayers where I knew/felt both my mind and my heart spoke it, when I really asked for guidance, wisdom, clarity, clues, help... were answered. I was shocked time and time again that I received an immediate reply!! Some answers were subtle but obvious, and as I walked into them, were confirmed. Other answers were strong and "in my face" that I was either challenged or empowered to take them on!

I always questioned those "answers". I looked at the source (people, readings, experiences, lightbulb moments, etc) and I examined my reactions. I analysed my emotions, interests and motivations. I also prayed even more. Especially for those that really freaked me out, hahahah!

.... It has been more interesting lately, because people (individuals) are witnessing or experiencing the same things with me. We discussed the hearts of what we wanted to pray for and immediately, at times within minutes, we got the reply! Really amazing!

Now, we are very grateful, and nervously laughing. We take our "deep, heartful requests" very seriously!

We are becoming careful of what we pray for, because we keep receiving them! :-)

******

.... Because of above, I am scared to pray this prayer wholeheartedly from Psalm139, hahahah, ack! I want to, but I'm scared to, hahahah ugh. I'm anxious of what will happen if I specifically tell God to test me. I think I can handle giving Him free/full reign to lead me. However, though they are linked, I am not quite ready to confront all my ways that are offensive to Him. Just in case God really takes me on my challenge!!??! :-)

Search me, O God, and know my heart!
    Try me and know my thoughts!

And see if there be any grievous way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting!

Brother

Today we are celebrating my brother's birthday.

I want to give him something, but I don't know what.... I'm gonna take the easy way out and hand him cash in an envelope.

But that's not enough. It does not communicate how much I love him. He knows because I tell him every chance I could. That, too, is still not enough.

He is a very private and very quiet man, so I will not share much.

I am thankful for his presence in my life. He does not ask much, yet so generous of anything he can give. He does not say much, but he thinks and cares for us - burdened with love/worry for (five, but mostly) four women in his family who are too free-spirited, (non)emotional, and flighty (direction-less?).

Even though we were only 3 years apart in age, and we fought as kids, he has been the figure of what a father could be to me, but still acting only as a brother, with distance/space and, a gentle and wise heart.

My girl friends from my teens love him. We used to look for him in parties and clubs, because just seeing/knowing he was present in those venues made us younglings feel safe. I was proud of him, but I don't remember telling him then :-/.

I miss sharing his clothes. I was a tomboy growing up, so every so often I'd see him wearing my shirt etc, but mostly I was taking his, hahahah. Occasionally, I still check out his shirts, wondering if he could hand-them-down to me :-).

In high school, he taught me how to be aware of my surroundings and how to assess situations. I thought I didn't pay much attention, but surprisingly the lessons stuck. I'm sure a lot of my risk assessment skills came from him. I was in tense situations, at work and while travelling, and those intelligent skills he passed on were used many times. Sometimes I'd see the "moves/decisions" in action/political movies, and I'd automatically think, "hah, my brother would be like that" or "my brother said that!".

Now we are older, trying to make sense and add meaning to our lives. I know the responsibilities he has assumed on himself being now the eldest son. I take advantage of being youngest/r. I cannot change my personality and how I embrace life. I would always worry him. I wish he doesn't, because my other sisters and mom are a handful too as we live amok. But I am touched and warmed by his love, so I welcome it.

I am thankful he has been blessed with a great family. I love his wife (and her family) and his children. I see his soul and his qualities in the kids. Coupled with his wife's, and their guidance, I know the kids will be great adults.

Thank you for being you, quirks and all. I appreciate everything you've done for me and will do for me. I love you so very very very much. None of my actions nor words could ever express it enough. But I will try.

Happy birthday Dihya.