In Three Words.... (Part Two)

As highlighted in part one of this post, I was cyclical in my emotions, maybe even on the brink of depression(!?!).

I honestly relayed how I felt to friends and family whom expected me to leave and to those whom asked how I was (if I was okay), confused though as I sounded.

It was (not) funny how NO ONE wanted me to leave. I was the ONLY ONE that felt sad I did not go. It made me feel ALONE. It made me question whether it was me that willed my own journeys, not God.... I do that, in efforts to always look at every angle of my decisions and plans.

My mental state was spiralling into unhealthy, despite understanding and still remembering the outcomes and my reshaping, as a result of struggles and journeys. I was thankfully assured by the fact that my pastor and mentor dissected my ideas, thoughts and processes; to ensure that I reacted and discerned appropriately, scripturally and responsibly. They became my reminder that I was not alone, they went through my rollercoaster experiences with me, and they wrung me just as much to make sure my motivations, actions and decisions were coming from the "right" place. God bless them.

Physically, it did not help that I did not know what to do anymore, literally!! I had no plans after my birthday celebration. I was meant to be overseas already. So suddenly I had nothing but routine and small stuff to do, no one to do nothing with, and I started feeling like I was... *looking for the right word to describe it*... sinking(?)... into purposelessness.

An opportunity to go away to a farm with my mother came, and I took it. I was escaping the funk in my head. I thought I was running away, to sleep off my evils, to de-clutter, read books, take refuge, cry, or to be introspective some more in my communication with God and myself.... God had other plans. He works in mysteriously wonderful ways. I knew that already. :-)

Even before I left for the farm, God was sending me reminders that I will explain in three words below. But I was stuck in my cloud of feeling "lack", as explained above. So as always, He dealt with me best, the way He knew I'd understand, knowing fully how I'd react. The little intricacies of tapping into my narcissistic needs. The catch was, so I'd understand Him, I also had to be willing to listen, and that I do now.

I learnt about the lifestyle and business of Australian agriculture (wheat and cattle). I had a glimpse of what locals and farmers do, similar to the way I dove with curiosity into new places and explored the countries I visited. This time in the comfort of my own home country and still able to progress rehabilitation of my injury. I confirmed the fragility of my ankle in travels which strengthened my acceptance of it being the only reason to withdraw training. A weak excuse I thought (because I am/used to be physically unstoppable, a doer, a go-getter), but I don't think so anymore. In that busyness I also did everything I thought I was going to do - ran away, slept off my evils, de-cluttered, read books, took refuge, cried (as explained below), and communicated to God. The effect however was refreshment, instead of gloom/depression. :-)

[Note to self: I always feel closest to Him when I step away from the city or my regular life. I don't need to be alone, just away. I also don't need to be overseas *smiling/smirking*, just away. I guess similar to when Jesus goes into the mountains alone, and pray in private.]

On my last whole day to spend at the rural region, in church, the preacher gave me a God-sent message. The topic name was my continuous question, written boldly on the powerpoint presentation!! I KNEW I HAD TO TAKE NOTE. God listens. God knows. God answers. I held back tears (to not freak out the preacher and the old people in the congregation!) as I listened, and understood. Thank you God. :-))

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In three words:

JOYFUL
- Despite seesawing between feelings of happiness, broken-heartedness and lost, I did not lose the joy of the assurance I feel. Within all the unknowns my self and whatever else are throwing in my path, I am calmed by the fact that I know my faith in God.
- I had strengthening lessons in faith that kept me joyful regardless of circumstances. I divide them, in order, into three (3) understanding, based on my experiences, not on what I felt, but on what I know:

• First, was my confirmed faith in believing that God exist.
• Second, was my faith in God's word (the Bible, and believing in Jesus and the Holy Spirit).
• Third, was my faith in action (which included having the courage to trust, and to obey, after the first two points were confirmed).

COMFORTED
- Sometimes plans were very clear, others times they took time to find clarity. I naturally wanted something unmistakable to let me know I was/am on the right path. Affirmation of what, where and with whom I should go in my life, in the standard I like to receive these news (despite daily trying to ensure that my own will be prioritised secondary to God's plan).... My comforts came not from getting things my way, but in trusting God knows what is best for me and He will communicate all to me, in His time, when all is ready/aligned, in the form/way I will (eventually) comprehend.
- Comforted, in spite of all my varying levels of comprehension, and when God gives me an answer where I could not help but react with disbelief (e.g. Is that really your intended plan, despite all I am going through and/or doing? Is this it!?). Maybe because I expected bigger plans or clearer signs or nothing(?!?).... I am reminded instead of the realisation of what God is doing now in my life. Grasping and appreciating what God has done now, the little miracles, the mustard seeds.
- I'm reminded that Jesus worked at individual and intimate level. Not global scale. He made the blind see, the lame walk, the leper healed, and the dead alive again. God is doing all those to me, and more.

PEACEFUL
- Despite seesawing between feelings of happiness, broken-heartedness and lost, I will not forget the immense peace I felt (and still lingeringly feel) when I trusted and acted in obedience to God. I am still new at this and learning much with guidance from my trusted people, but I think this level of peacefulness is a good gauge of whether I am walking the right direction, be it forward, or backward, or still.
- I have all I need.
- My mind is now quiet... and tidy.... I left all my questions of whether I made the right decision/s behind at the farm. :-)



Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

In Three Words.... (Part One)

I allowed myself much introspection before coming close to this blog, as I thought maybe I was confused. I needed time to listen quietly and pay closer attention to what was going on inside me. I was puzzled to be feeling so strongly opposing emotions, all at the same time, that I struggled to hold them:

HAPPY
- Alike my baptism, I celebrated my birthday for the first time mixing my old and new friends, church friends, school friends, and work friends. I was grateful to see them all in one place. The second time it has occurred in my lifetime.... Despite my online presence and willingness to open up (like now), I am actually very private in my extrovertedness; or willing myself to be more social in my introvertedness. Hahahah, I still don't know which, both are expressed in my personality. It explains why there are no photos of myself here in this blog. My social network profile also has all kinds of privacy settings, including not being shown the link to these posts! So if you saw a link to this post from me, it means you haven't been "cordoned off", ack! ;-)
- Despite being extroverted, gregarious and friendly in events for others, I'm known to hide away from being "the centre of attention" - event for myself!!! My uncontrollable anxiety is/was(?) so strong I may not attend my own wedding if I organised it!!?! I would cope better in a surprise wedding scenario, or with a wedding coordinator in charge of the preparation, the sooner with less fuss the better!!.... It is one of the reasons why it became a habit to travel in December before my birthday. This year I managed to stay put, and even had a cake at work for the first time, courtesy of a sweet colleague! I (me, moi, myself!) also - with little hyperventilating and social freakout - organised a "not my birthday" gathering. The previous one was in 2006 (and a 5-ladies dancing night-out in 2008). It was seven (7!!) years ago!!
- Because I knew how I used to react, I was very happy that I am "getting better". But I reckon the next party won't be until I turn 40 years old or after seven (7) years again, hahahah. Unless I get surprised... hint!?! ;-)
- It was the best birthday celebration, because I managed to make it as close to "just like most days". I felt no expectation from me to act a certain way (a celebrant, though at the party I tried to make sure everyone was okay); a lot of people did not know it was my birthday as people went because they were invited for a mixed group gathering at a theme restaurant bar, so they did not feel expected to act a certain way we do when the event is a party for someone; no one felt obliged to give a gift (I hope?!?!); and it was enjoyed at a fun relaxed place! :-)
- Spent quieter times with friends that could not make it to the party, or were more introverted. Our "just like most days" celebration/catchups lasted from Friday morning to Tuesday night. It clearly showed me how much people respected and valued each time and each hour spent with me, and vice versa.
- I have an oddity of needing to see the entry/exit door, related to the safety tip my brother told me, to react to unforeseen situations, for example if a person with a gun came in(!).... I had a birthday lunch with a colleague and his son. I sat first. Almost at the end of the meal I was shocked to notice I had my back to the door! My friend referred to earlier when he tried to give me his son's seat because he knew my quirk. He is the same. I used to run for our preferred seat and laughed sitting when he had to put his back to the door, or we'd choose one with a mirror so the other could view the door from it. The fact that I did not care, it was a nice birthday non-gift, because it meant I felt very safe in his and his son's company. I am happy when I feel protected. :-)
- My work leave was approved until next year. My ankle injury and lack of a longer holiday break was adding strain on me.
- The skin (and immune system) issues I've been dealing with since I came back (in Jan 2013) from SE Asia, may have finally been diagnosed and treated, yay! As long as it stopped, I can live with the scars/pigmentation/bad skin.
- I have less or no pressures to deal with. I have more time for myself. All my major commitments emotionally, spiritually, medically and financially tackled and/or progressed and/or decided on.
- The valuable trust, obedience and faith lesson I mentioned below.... The immense peace I felt in understanding some of the "Christian cliches power words" that I used to only verbalise and praise-sing. They have deep existential meaning now.
- I believe God knew I was going to make my decision. But I did not know I was going to make my decision. So for me to know, I had to walk through those challenges, confrontations and experiences. The lesson was in the journey, not the destination. I am happy and grateful for God's continuous attention and reshaping.
- I mentioned to my mother my serious strong desire to move to my own place, as I crave my own creative space and privacy. When mom first found out how simply I lived, she did not agree with my choice, not understanding why metaphorically (and almost literally!) I "chose to sleep on the floor when I could sleep on a queen bed". I also did not accept her offer that I take over her apartment rent-free, but bills were payable.... Two years later, she saw, at least, the financial benefits/results of my decision. Now, despite my strong preference to "move back onto a bed" and settle down (aka spend more to make a private home, etc), mom encouraged me to continue my much simpler lifestyle choice. It's given me a happy boost to know she finally understood, and that encouragement might be enough for now to hold off any residential change....
- I bought my first orchid plant here in Australia, as a birthday gift.
- Learning to play guitar with my "wrong" hand ;-).
- I can be part of the team competing in an Asia-Pacific games early next year, woohoo!
- I may still be able to join another "summer" activity I pushed away for a while now, depending on how much it requires my ankle to be strong/stable. There'll be a lot of rowing!
- I have a great blessed life. A perfect single life. No need to write more about this, because I've expressed it enough in other posts. :-))

But I felt....

LOST
- I hinted my willingness to give up my perfect life. I fully made that choice, my bosses, family, and important relationships knew I made the decision. I learned a valuable trust, obedience and faith lesson. Many untold events later, we (my mentor, pastor and I) decided that I should not go as I re-injured my ankle.... When the prompting was so strong that I zero-ed in for more than a year my life to it, then for my affirmation to change and I could not get the same clarity for the future options presented.... IT WAS VERY VERY HARD - to discern and decide God's will. I could not manage it alone. Some spiritual decisions defied logic, practicalities and sensibilities. I also recognised the possibility of disguising my own will as God's.... Thankfully my mentor and mission pastor walked me through all the experiences. On my own, I would have gone anyway though I agreed it was unwise, because I was too emotional and self-focused. I took a week before I accepted our decision, with more affirmation from God. My peace in the wisdom of various faith-led decisions battled with my need to be self-absorbed and to self-promote and to self-achieve. I needed tangible results. All I had to show was my lame ankle, no overseas travel, no relationship, and not doing the discipleship training.
- I procrastinated informing the school my decision to withdraw my application for a week, in case God would give me an affirming message I preferred. I continuously received confirmation to not go (in the form of discomfort from heat, inflammation and rehabilitation issues).
- I was lost because I did not want to listen. I was lost because when I listened, I did not want to understand. I was lost because when I understood, I did not want to accept.

HEART-BROKEN
- Because of above I felt I "passed" spiritually, but I "failed" in my worldly measurements, or ideals.
- It took me another day or two after I accepted my decision, before I had the courage to inform the school and my references. The decision was then final.
- Despite the clarity, I felt gutted and/or deflated.
- Despite holding on to (or chasing my) peace, I was emotionally tired from the overall experience.
- I grieved a broken and/or awkward relationship... and leadership.
- I did not want to push away all the emotions I was/am feeling. I always checked my priorities and faced my music (truth) - dealt with the consequences of my actions and decisions. I hit my most raw and painful stage between October and December, when a lot that (I thought) were clear started changing course.
- The venue for my group gathering/birthday celebration was meant to be the venue for my farewell from work if I resigned (along with my birthday). So my mind that whole night kept reflecting on the fact that so much changed, in almost like a blink of an eye! :-/
- A man many people and I respect passed away. My mind kept flashing back to the time we were in his home, when instead of celebrating with international sports fans, his family was grieving the passing away of a child. I was asked if I wanted to travel overseas to pay my respect in person to the family etc. I said no, went to a farm instead, and grieved with the world there.


Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

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Part two.... Click here to see the continuation of this story.... :-)