Now

I had a hundred ideas to write about!! Life was very packed with many reflections, lessons, conversations, experiences and stories. Not a day this year has passed where it felt like "any other day", or monotonous. I started sentences for a topic to blog about, then deleted them to write about a different topic, then decided on another one instead, deleted and so on, several times. Each one competing for centre-stage.

So, I don't understand how people could be bored for long. I get tired yes, lonely being single yes-maybe, don't like what I'm doing sometimes, don't like my injury yes, emotional lots, but bored - why? All I need to do is wake up and I am bombarded with stimuli. I could not keep up! So I wondered how could people be bored all day or longer? If it is, then change something a little. Life is too prescious to not enjoy and not be thankful for, despite whatever hardships or sufferings we/you are going through, really, truly. :-/

I love being busy, but I crave for quiet time. My next trip I would dedicate at least one week somewhere away from it all - sleeping or just smelling the air. Where my only thought and feeling would be nothing. No active exploration or interactions. When I wouldn't care if I ate or drank. When nothing outside of me would be important. No new or old friends. Just me. I cherished those quiet and alone times:

• Italy (2008, up 8 to days)
• Portugal (2008, 4 days)
• Murcia, Spain (2009, 2 days)
• Dahab, Egypt (2010, 2-5 days)
• Chaam/Chiang Rai/Mae Hong Son, Thailand (2010, 3 days)
• Maldives (2011, 2 days)
• Polhena, Sri Lanka (2011, 1 days)
• Sapa, Vietnam (2012, half a day)
• Si Phan Don, Laos (2012, half a day). 

Those "only me" times were so rare and special. I knnooowww, people would say try to be a parent, carer, cannot travel, etc etc. Different busy or lifestyle and/or choices, is all. STILL busy and still need to recuperate.

My trips' main goal was always to explore the countries and its cultures. I packed more in my itineraries, so alone times became lesser as the years progressed. Quiet was very hard to attain, as I always had to prepare for onward travel. I also had to fight my curiousity and my "adventuress" nature. Here at home it had been absolutely impossible. Peaceful yes, quiet never. There were always reminders, friends, responsibilities, opportunities and tasks to do. I could never fully shut down. Meditation never worked. Too much stimuli. Too much noise. Only sleep could knock me out.

A friend offered me a place overseas in a beautiful quiet town to stay at, free of charge for up to 3 months (or longer), while he was away for his own holiday in a much warmer (burning hot!) climate. Encouraging to pull out my creative and insightful side, less of my worker and running bee. I am drawn to it but I hesitate, preferring to be busier for now, while young and energetic. Another friend offered his place overseas in the city too while he is away on missions, because he trusted me. I have girlfriends whom wants me to relocate to their cities (will help me settle and introduce me to men they'd love me to marry!). All very tempting, and I would definitely take up the offer one day, if still available then (including one of the men, maybe, hahaha). My selfish self wanted to run there to enjoy and escape (life is too short and wonderful to waste mentality). I have been like this since a fortnight ago, after I realised money is no longer important (see Divided?). I'm like an excited horse, jumpy and ready to bolt to any good adventure! I feel so free that it could be mistaken for reckless. I could be labelled a "flight risk", so a relationship could not be taken seriously, unless he is similar. A couple of offers of casual fun (committed to each other?), long-term partnerships and marriages received since being home (circa 2010). I was willing (so willing I just joined an online dating site, ack!) but I could not accept any of their offers. I abstained. My heart and mind wished/waited for someone else. Still, for now, my place is here, keeping me grounded, learning more lessons, trying to understand the wisdom without confusion, keeping quiet as much as possible, ready, silently revving up....

Amazing life. Exciting times. Trying to be present in the power and wonders of now.

Confession/Time Capsule - 1980s to 2000s

I went through my collection of cards, letters, photos, notes, and other written memorabilia from late 1980s to mid 2000s. That was a lot of written history! Most of them, except for photos, are now shredded. I was told I am a fool to get rid of them. I don't regret it. I wanted to keep those moments of shared feelings private, between me and the writers. The correspondences brought all kinds of emotions - apathy, confusion, compassion, vanity, pride, humour, shame, regrets and gratitude. I decided to use this post to speak to a few people from my past whom most likely I won't interact with again.


The love letters. I started keeping them from 9 years old. But I was tooooo much of a tomboy to think of courtship/relationships and too young/innocent-minded to understand what the fuss was all about!!!??! I blossomed into being interested in boys very late, around the age of 17 and a half, if not 18, hahah ugh. I was always the mother hen whom parents trusted their daughters' (my friends) safety to. I was so clueless but I appeared very responsible. Anyway....

I went out with only one of the writers - my first (second) boyfriend. Ooops, first confession, ack! I had a boyfriend for a whole month in July 1995, before my "first boyfriend"  for more than a decade. Boyfriend #1 was a real top guy, we met in a RYLA camp. I remembered that he was kind and gentle to me, though he could be harsh with his actions and words to others, because he really was smarter than his years, a born leader. I was ditzy with a heart that could be developed for leadership. We were both too young to 'carpe diem', but mainly I was too foolish and awkward to appreciate. Only bestie and boyfriend #1 knew of this relationship. Heck, they even became good mates. I write this here, in case he sees, so I could say, "Kob khun kaa, sorry for my young stupidity, happy for you, and carpe diem! - from Noo". To my first (second) boyfriend... *smiling guiltily while shrugging my shoulders*. I think I told you early in the relationship..? I can't remember now. All in the past.

I digressed. Love letters.... JAC, I did not go out with you, but I was most harsh to you (publicly, in a letter sent to our group of friends), to stop your emotions, to forget about me, and for friends to tell you to forget about me. I immediately recognised all your letters, by the way you folded them. My guilt overtook me even before I re-read your hopes and pains. It was all too much. Forgive me, it was the best response I could pull out of my inexperience.

Another, WR, I saw you again, after more than a decade, and immediately you told me how long you waited for me. You asked about me. There was so much emotion coming out from your voice and face. In a panic, and faithful to boyfriend #2 (who thought he was first, ack) who was metres away from us, I lied that I was married and rushed off. Immature reaction. I'm sorry.

That's all for matters of hearts. I was not interested to date, so my reactions to all crushes and stronger feelings were childish, and I did not encourage.... Next, friendship letters.

The cards and little notes were varied between funny and generic. Some had sweet heartfelt messages, others random jokes and events. One girl friend talked about a different crush in each letter. Her stories were so sensationalised I remembered how much I looked forward to receiving her mail. I wished I had her lifestyle and personality a lot of times. I still looked forward to reading her old mail, and sure enough hers were still the most exciting! More than 20 years had passed and she still had the same effect on me - making me giggle and laugh so much my sides ached! Thank you.

I searched for many old friends throughout the years, yet all these social networking profiles produced nil results:

• My besfriend between grade 3-4, Resurreccion Yamco, I took a photo of your letter, now shredded. I hope one day I can show them to you again :-).
• Genie Ong - where are you!!?
• Panit Ratanapornchai - It'd be nice to catch-up. Thank you for being my guardian.
• RSL aka ROlivoGuy - my "childhood sweetheart", we grew up always being paired, but never went out. We couldn't keep track of our changes - I stopped writing for years, we both moved house, too many countries, returned to sender mail.
• Others I am not in touch with - I intentionally did not include you in here. Not because I do not want to get in touch. This post would end up too long. There are varying degrees of separation that could still connect us via social networks. I am not sure if you would like me to, or if there would be any point to it. But do message me if you want :-).

I don't have to speak to anyone specific amongst old friends. If I have to apologize, it would be for not keeping in touch, as I was bitter about how some friends treated me before I left for overseas. I decided to start anew, cutting ties with all, including the ones who were not even part of those whom caused me shame/pain. Not writing back, I read the hurt several friends felt because of the way I treated them. So if any of you are reading this... sorry. Us being so young, I'm sure (I hope) it was later not a big deal. Here I acknowledge my (mis)behaviour.

Part of the reason why I acknowledged was because, as I read through more than 20 years of my history, I became melancholy and amazed, or overwhelmed. Each writer expressed about how much I affected them. Even though only a youth, I was very influential. I encouraged a lot of people to change, improve, decide and feel positive about themselves. It made me wonder what (and how) I could have been with good mentors and parenting. I did not remember being a dynamic person. But the letters highlighted them. It was like I was reading someone else's life.

On one hand, I feel like I am bragging, my ego boosted to be so well-praised and well-loved. On the other I reflected on the fact that I did not know, I did not understand, and I did not appreciate the... power of friendship. The power of simply being nice. I forgot or was not aware how strongly I "moved" people. I vaguely remembered jokes that I should start a cult or my own following, because I had a convincing and persuasive personality. I had an ability to help people feel special, wanted, needed and/or important. The letters showed all it took were kindness, a smile, conversing about life (or God, or spirituality) with them, a tiny interest in their circumstances or ideas, inspiration, honesty and genuine care.

I wondered if I am still the same. If I am, I hope to be a better conduit of compassion and living love, but with more tact, wiser discernment and nobler maturity. As a friend told me several months ago, "great power comes with great responsibility" in the way I engaged people. I know I will disappoint and be disappointed based on humanity's standards. So it is important to be aware of the differences between agendas and what drives my decisions - where I come in and where it is not about me and who I am doing it for. If I deal with the world (and its issues) on my own (strength), I could easily end up low tanked and depleted. It was likely one of the reasons why I stopped abruptly when I was younger, and I became more insular for several years. Key life lessons picked up from those pages. Success not based on man's approval or rejection.

1 Samuel 16:7 (NIV) ~ The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.  

Divided(?)

It was the toughest 3 weeks - personally and professionally.

I should have posted my story when I was really divided, going through the final battles in my mind. Now that I know my decision, with both my heart and mind agreeing, to share this story in hindsight feels a bit of an anti-climax.

The division was in my confusion in whether to stay in my current perfect-enough and comfort-guaranteed lifestyle, with awesome financial and job security (aka "set for life"), while living in a country/state where life truly is beautiful, safe, pampered and relaxed... or... to give up all that, and all that I worked for and most of the luxuries I enjoyed, to step forward to a life of (financial, etc) insecurity and not knowing where I will be heading/leading. VERY tough choice, for one reason only - money.

Except for money and my work (which I not only love/d, but also guaranteed a nice cashflow) I did not fear letting go of the rest. My faith in God, knowing the world is beautiful, and my street-smart are enough for those. I even know God will provide me all that I need, and more! I do not doubt it, really. But to let go, to really let go of my work=money, in thought and in action, I could not do it. I was so surprised because I always thought money was not important to me. But I was so used to having control over it, I could not hand over control of it to God.

(For more than a year, my family, friends and) I tried to reason with myself. I tried be logical and rational. I did not make any rushed decision. I wrestled with the stupidity of giving up my work, especially when so many people would love to trade places with me. I reasoned once I quit, I will never be able to afford the luxury of exploring, adventuring and travelling the WORLD(!!), as this "Everest" post revealed. I told myself I was being irresponsible and careless. I should be saving for my retirement. I will be the laughing stock of my colleagues whom would hear in less than 10 years that I am back after my mid-life crisis, an old maid and poor. Those thoughts are for later blogs, ack! ;-)

The main reason work was the hardest to let go (and #2 of the two reasons I went back), was because I thought if I stayed til mid-this-year, I would earn an extra AUD$17K. For someone heading out without a "job", that amount would be great pocket money! I could give it to my nieces and nephews! Or my friends expecting their first child! Or to pay for a discipleship training course I wanted to do. Or to invest into a local community project.... So much money. Large enough that I could even spend/give comfortably to all five I mentioned above! Surely for me to leave earlier without the cash is much more selfish(?), I told myself.

I tried to be strategic about the whole thing. I thought I managed to organised time nicely so that I could go on another exploration trip this half-year, without needing to quit until next year, giving me a chance to "test the waters" first, in case I changed my mind (whew!).... Letting my colleagues assume I had another wonderful holiday.

Professionally, I admitted to my supervisor my plans to go away for half a year, and the motivation behind it. He's been great and supportive I felt it was best to keep him informed even though plans were not concrete. I also could not lie to him. Personally, my ankle injury is still a medium-term problem. Going to work five days a week is physically and emotionally tiring. It will take months to heal. It is also affecting my work because I am doing lighter duties and I am slower. The strain of my sick leaves and medical appointments (and my past approved recreational leaves); plus office politics, are showing in the way I am being viewed and treated this year.

I have, a few but very influential, colleagues whom built themselves up by dissing everyone else down to the manager - surprise surprise *sarcasm*. I never played the "schoolyard" politics at work. I won't start now. Bless my supervisor, he is caught in between due to his friendship and decades-plus time of serving with them. I requested for him to speak up for me more, because he knows my performance and those colleagues have been proven to not give me credit for the work/help I have completed. He advised me to do what the pack are doing, build myself up to our manager myself, even though he didn't like this practise because the others were going over his head. I was bamboozled by the statement against my performance, being told I have to "win the manager's respect". I recently won a state excellence award(!) where the Minister congratulated my team personally (the pack mentioned above not part of it)!! How quickly people forget.... My ego was slapped. :-/ However, while quickly praying for us when my peace was rattled, my peace came back. The problems were still there, but how I reacted to it, was being lead by how I believed God wanted me to.

Then, this week, I was told the $17K I expected this year, may not be mine until June next year.

I went through a few minutes of mentally chasing after the money. I felt like I was owed it. I deserved it. So I should get it, even if I have to wait for it another year.... But such soliloquy no longer had conviction. Amazingly! Truly! I was shocked, asking myself several times if I was sure!!??! :-) I felt a much stronger peace in knowing I no longer really cared for the money. My focus and order of priorities has changed. I am still trying to be strategic in how I can still be rewarded the money. If possible, why not, for the long service I have performed. But if I am prompted to leave now, I would discard the money chase, and go. I am as sure of this as sunrise and sunset. No longer divided.

Of course, time will tell, if I could really leave without it. If I will be asked to let go of it (all). At the moment I am only verbalising. For now God has prompted me to sit still, as in I am not going anywhere yet. I am still preparing for the journey/s. I still don't know where I am heading. I'm still learning to walk (hopefully wisely) between the natural and spiritual. I am still trying to understand spiritual warfare and learning discernment (God's will versus my will). But I am waiting to heed.