Divided(?)

It was the toughest 3 weeks - personally and professionally.

I should have posted my story when I was really divided, going through the final battles in my mind. Now that I know my decision, with both my heart and mind agreeing, to share this story in hindsight feels a bit of an anti-climax.

The division was in my confusion in whether to stay in my current perfect-enough and comfort-guaranteed lifestyle, with awesome financial and job security (aka "set for life"), while living in a country/state where life truly is beautiful, safe, pampered and relaxed... or... to give up all that, and all that I worked for and most of the luxuries I enjoyed, to step forward to a life of (financial, etc) insecurity and not knowing where I will be heading/leading. VERY tough choice, for one reason only - money.

Except for money and my work (which I not only love/d, but also guaranteed a nice cashflow) I did not fear letting go of the rest. My faith in God, knowing the world is beautiful, and my street-smart are enough for those. I even know God will provide me all that I need, and more! I do not doubt it, really. But to let go, to really let go of my work=money, in thought and in action, I could not do it. I was so surprised because I always thought money was not important to me. But I was so used to having control over it, I could not hand over control of it to God.

(For more than a year, my family, friends and) I tried to reason with myself. I tried be logical and rational. I did not make any rushed decision. I wrestled with the stupidity of giving up my work, especially when so many people would love to trade places with me. I reasoned once I quit, I will never be able to afford the luxury of exploring, adventuring and travelling the WORLD(!!), as this "Everest" post revealed. I told myself I was being irresponsible and careless. I should be saving for my retirement. I will be the laughing stock of my colleagues whom would hear in less than 10 years that I am back after my mid-life crisis, an old maid and poor. Those thoughts are for later blogs, ack! ;-)

The main reason work was the hardest to let go (and #2 of the two reasons I went back), was because I thought if I stayed til mid-this-year, I would earn an extra AUD$17K. For someone heading out without a "job", that amount would be great pocket money! I could give it to my nieces and nephews! Or my friends expecting their first child! Or to pay for a discipleship training course I wanted to do. Or to invest into a local community project.... So much money. Large enough that I could even spend/give comfortably to all five I mentioned above! Surely for me to leave earlier without the cash is much more selfish(?), I told myself.

I tried to be strategic about the whole thing. I thought I managed to organised time nicely so that I could go on another exploration trip this half-year, without needing to quit until next year, giving me a chance to "test the waters" first, in case I changed my mind (whew!).... Letting my colleagues assume I had another wonderful holiday.

Professionally, I admitted to my supervisor my plans to go away for half a year, and the motivation behind it. He's been great and supportive I felt it was best to keep him informed even though plans were not concrete. I also could not lie to him. Personally, my ankle injury is still a medium-term problem. Going to work five days a week is physically and emotionally tiring. It will take months to heal. It is also affecting my work because I am doing lighter duties and I am slower. The strain of my sick leaves and medical appointments (and my past approved recreational leaves); plus office politics, are showing in the way I am being viewed and treated this year.

I have, a few but very influential, colleagues whom built themselves up by dissing everyone else down to the manager - surprise surprise *sarcasm*. I never played the "schoolyard" politics at work. I won't start now. Bless my supervisor, he is caught in between due to his friendship and decades-plus time of serving with them. I requested for him to speak up for me more, because he knows my performance and those colleagues have been proven to not give me credit for the work/help I have completed. He advised me to do what the pack are doing, build myself up to our manager myself, even though he didn't like this practise because the others were going over his head. I was bamboozled by the statement against my performance, being told I have to "win the manager's respect". I recently won a state excellence award(!) where the Minister congratulated my team personally (the pack mentioned above not part of it)!! How quickly people forget.... My ego was slapped. :-/ However, while quickly praying for us when my peace was rattled, my peace came back. The problems were still there, but how I reacted to it, was being lead by how I believed God wanted me to.

Then, this week, I was told the $17K I expected this year, may not be mine until June next year.

I went through a few minutes of mentally chasing after the money. I felt like I was owed it. I deserved it. So I should get it, even if I have to wait for it another year.... But such soliloquy no longer had conviction. Amazingly! Truly! I was shocked, asking myself several times if I was sure!!??! :-) I felt a much stronger peace in knowing I no longer really cared for the money. My focus and order of priorities has changed. I am still trying to be strategic in how I can still be rewarded the money. If possible, why not, for the long service I have performed. But if I am prompted to leave now, I would discard the money chase, and go. I am as sure of this as sunrise and sunset. No longer divided.

Of course, time will tell, if I could really leave without it. If I will be asked to let go of it (all). At the moment I am only verbalising. For now God has prompted me to sit still, as in I am not going anywhere yet. I am still preparing for the journey/s. I still don't know where I am heading. I'm still learning to walk (hopefully wisely) between the natural and spiritual. I am still trying to understand spiritual warfare and learning discernment (God's will versus my will). But I am waiting to heed.