I went through my collection of cards, letters, photos, notes, and other written memorabilia from late 1980s to mid 2000s. That was a lot of written history! Most of them, except for photos, are now shredded. I was told I am a fool to get rid of them. I don't regret it. I wanted to keep those moments of shared feelings private, between me and the writers. The correspondences brought all kinds of emotions - apathy, confusion,
compassion, vanity, pride, humour, shame, regrets and gratitude. I decided to use this post to speak to a few people from my past whom most likely I won't interact with again.
The love letters. I started keeping them from 9 years old. But I was tooooo much of a tomboy to think of courtship/relationships and too young/innocent-minded to understand what the fuss was all about!!!??! I blossomed into being interested in boys very late, around the age of 17 and a half, if not 18, hahah ugh. I was always the mother hen whom parents trusted their daughters' (my friends) safety to. I was so clueless but I appeared very responsible. Anyway....
I went out with only one of the writers - my first (second) boyfriend. Ooops, first confession, ack! I had a boyfriend for a whole month in July 1995, before my "first boyfriend" for more than a decade. Boyfriend #1 was a real top guy, we met in a RYLA camp. I remembered that he was kind and gentle to me, though he could be harsh with his actions and words to others, because he really was smarter than his years, a born leader. I was ditzy with a heart that could be developed for leadership. We were both too young to 'carpe diem', but mainly I was too foolish and awkward to appreciate. Only bestie and boyfriend #1 knew of this relationship. Heck, they even became good mates. I write this here, in case he sees, so I could say, "Kob khun kaa, sorry for my young stupidity, happy for you, and carpe diem! - from Noo". To my first (second) boyfriend... *smiling guiltily while shrugging my shoulders*. I think I told you early in the relationship..? I can't remember now. All in the past.
I digressed. Love letters.... JAC, I did not go out with you, but I was most harsh to you (publicly, in a letter sent to our group of friends), to stop your emotions, to forget about me, and for friends to tell you to forget about me. I immediately recognised all your letters, by the way you folded them. My guilt overtook me even before I re-read your hopes and pains. It was all too much. Forgive me, it was the best response I could pull out of my inexperience.
Another, WR, I saw you again, after more than a decade, and immediately you told me how long you waited for me. You asked about me. There was so much emotion coming out from your voice and face. In a panic, and faithful to boyfriend #2 (who thought he was first, ack) who was metres away from us, I lied that I was married and rushed off. Immature reaction. I'm sorry.
That's all for matters of hearts. I was not interested to date, so my reactions to all crushes and stronger feelings were childish, and I did not encourage.... Next, friendship letters.
The cards and little notes were varied between funny and generic. Some had sweet heartfelt messages, others random jokes and events. One girl friend talked about a different crush in each letter. Her stories were so sensationalised I remembered how much I looked forward to receiving her mail. I wished I had her lifestyle and personality a lot of times. I still looked forward to reading her old mail, and sure enough hers were still the most exciting! More than 20 years had passed and she still had the same effect on me - making me giggle and laugh so much my sides ached! Thank you.
I searched for many old friends throughout the years, yet all these social networking profiles produced nil results:
Part of the reason why I acknowledged was because, as I read through more than 20 years of my history, I became melancholy and amazed, or overwhelmed. Each writer expressed about how much I affected them. Even though only a youth, I was very influential. I encouraged a lot of people to change, improve, decide and feel positive about themselves. It made me wonder what (and how) I could have been with good mentors and parenting. I did not remember being a dynamic person. But the letters highlighted them. It was like I was reading someone else's life.
On one hand, I feel like I am bragging, my ego boosted to be so well-praised and well-loved. On the other I reflected on the fact that I did not know, I did not understand, and I did not appreciate the... power of friendship. The power of simply being nice. I forgot or was not aware how strongly I "moved" people. I vaguely remembered jokes that I should start a cult or my own following, because I had a convincing and persuasive personality. I had an ability to help people feel special, wanted, needed and/or important. The letters showed all it took were kindness, a smile, conversing about life (or God, or spirituality) with them, a tiny interest in their circumstances or ideas, inspiration, honesty and genuine care.
I wondered if I am still the same. If I am, I hope to be a better conduit of compassion and living love, but with more tact, wiser discernment and nobler maturity. As a friend told me several months ago, "great power comes with great responsibility" in the way I engaged people. I know I will disappoint and be disappointed based on humanity's standards. So it is important to be aware of the differences between agendas and what drives my decisions - where I come in and where it is not about me and who I am doing it for. If I deal with the world (and its issues) on my own (strength), I could easily end up low tanked and depleted. It was likely one of the reasons why I stopped abruptly when I was younger, and I became more insular for several years. Key life lessons picked up from those pages. Success not based on man's approval or rejection.
1 Samuel 16:7 (NIV) ~ The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.
The love letters. I started keeping them from 9 years old. But I was tooooo much of a tomboy to think of courtship/relationships and too young/innocent-minded to understand what the fuss was all about!!!??! I blossomed into being interested in boys very late, around the age of 17 and a half, if not 18, hahah ugh. I was always the mother hen whom parents trusted their daughters' (my friends) safety to. I was so clueless but I appeared very responsible. Anyway....
I went out with only one of the writers - my first (second) boyfriend. Ooops, first confession, ack! I had a boyfriend for a whole month in July 1995, before my "first boyfriend" for more than a decade. Boyfriend #1 was a real top guy, we met in a RYLA camp. I remembered that he was kind and gentle to me, though he could be harsh with his actions and words to others, because he really was smarter than his years, a born leader. I was ditzy with a heart that could be developed for leadership. We were both too young to 'carpe diem', but mainly I was too foolish and awkward to appreciate. Only bestie and boyfriend #1 knew of this relationship. Heck, they even became good mates. I write this here, in case he sees, so I could say, "Kob khun kaa, sorry for my young stupidity, happy for you, and carpe diem! - from Noo". To my first (second) boyfriend... *smiling guiltily while shrugging my shoulders*. I think I told you early in the relationship..? I can't remember now. All in the past.
I digressed. Love letters.... JAC, I did not go out with you, but I was most harsh to you (publicly, in a letter sent to our group of friends), to stop your emotions, to forget about me, and for friends to tell you to forget about me. I immediately recognised all your letters, by the way you folded them. My guilt overtook me even before I re-read your hopes and pains. It was all too much. Forgive me, it was the best response I could pull out of my inexperience.
Another, WR, I saw you again, after more than a decade, and immediately you told me how long you waited for me. You asked about me. There was so much emotion coming out from your voice and face. In a panic, and faithful to boyfriend #2 (who thought he was first, ack) who was metres away from us, I lied that I was married and rushed off. Immature reaction. I'm sorry.
That's all for matters of hearts. I was not interested to date, so my reactions to all crushes and stronger feelings were childish, and I did not encourage.... Next, friendship letters.
The cards and little notes were varied between funny and generic. Some had sweet heartfelt messages, others random jokes and events. One girl friend talked about a different crush in each letter. Her stories were so sensationalised I remembered how much I looked forward to receiving her mail. I wished I had her lifestyle and personality a lot of times. I still looked forward to reading her old mail, and sure enough hers were still the most exciting! More than 20 years had passed and she still had the same effect on me - making me giggle and laugh so much my sides ached! Thank you.
I searched for many old friends throughout the years, yet all these social networking profiles produced nil results:
- My besfriend between grade 3-4, Resurreccion Yamco, I took a photo of your letter, now shredded. I hope one day I can show them to you again :-).
- Genie Ong - where are you!!?
- Panit Ratanapornchai - It'd be nice to catch-up. Thank you for being my guardian.
- RSL aka ROlivoGuy - my "childhood sweetheart", we grew up always being paired, but never went out. We couldn't keep track of our changes - I stopped writing for years, we both moved house, too many countries, returned to sender mail.
- Others I am not in touch with - I intentionally did not include you in here. Not because I do not want to get in touch. This post would end up too long. There are varying degrees of separation that could still connect us via social networks. I am not sure if you would like me to, or if there would be any point to it. But do message me if you want :-).
Part of the reason why I acknowledged was because, as I read through more than 20 years of my history, I became melancholy and amazed, or overwhelmed. Each writer expressed about how much I affected them. Even though only a youth, I was very influential. I encouraged a lot of people to change, improve, decide and feel positive about themselves. It made me wonder what (and how) I could have been with good mentors and parenting. I did not remember being a dynamic person. But the letters highlighted them. It was like I was reading someone else's life.
On one hand, I feel like I am bragging, my ego boosted to be so well-praised and well-loved. On the other I reflected on the fact that I did not know, I did not understand, and I did not appreciate the... power of friendship. The power of simply being nice. I forgot or was not aware how strongly I "moved" people. I vaguely remembered jokes that I should start a cult or my own following, because I had a convincing and persuasive personality. I had an ability to help people feel special, wanted, needed and/or important. The letters showed all it took were kindness, a smile, conversing about life (or God, or spirituality) with them, a tiny interest in their circumstances or ideas, inspiration, honesty and genuine care.
I wondered if I am still the same. If I am, I hope to be a better conduit of compassion and living love, but with more tact, wiser discernment and nobler maturity. As a friend told me several months ago, "great power comes with great responsibility" in the way I engaged people. I know I will disappoint and be disappointed based on humanity's standards. So it is important to be aware of the differences between agendas and what drives my decisions - where I come in and where it is not about me and who I am doing it for. If I deal with the world (and its issues) on my own (strength), I could easily end up low tanked and depleted. It was likely one of the reasons why I stopped abruptly when I was younger, and I became more insular for several years. Key life lessons picked up from those pages. Success not based on man's approval or rejection.
1 Samuel 16:7 (NIV) ~ The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.
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