Spiritual

Many people have heard me describe myself as "spiritual". I deemed this term closest to my feelings and faith towards God. I also always hesitated to call myself "religious". The main reasons for my past silence and hesitance were:

1. I liked the privacy (with regards my relationship with God);

2. I had disappointing experiences from other Christians; and

3. I felt I was not always setting a "perfect" example, so I did not want non-Christians to be able to use me as an example of a "bad Christian".

I learnt about God just like most children, when we got taught to recite "Our Father" and do the sign of the cross. However, my family was not devout, or rarely practiced. I did not grow up within a family that disciplined me and instilled in me religious values. They did not even know I attended church. I could have easily been an agnostic by default.

My relationship with God blossomed on its own. I always felt Him caring for me, nurturing me, protecting me, and guiding me - even when I didn't know who He was. From 6 years old I already did not agree to praying to other saints and did not understand why I was being told I could not speak directly to God (as I was unclean so I had to go through priests and confess my sins to them). The God I knew/felt was more loving and welcoming. Of course I was too young to voice out my understanding, so I was confused until I attended a Christian school for 2 years when I was about 9 years old. I later moved to another school where I became more exposed to my family's other religion, but I continued to attend a Christian fellowship until I left school to move overseas. Unfortunately it was then, overseas (now home), where I had disappointing experiences from other Christians. Circumstances and relationship then fostered my "private worship" for more than a decade.

In my years of private worship I thought I stayed close to God. I poured my heart out to Him and He knew me inside out. I just talked to Him everywhere, and did not concern myself with practices or structures. He continued to care for me. He nurtured me, forgave me, loved me, protected me, provided for me, inspired me, pushed me, encouraged me, soothed me and guided me - but this time I knew who He was. I was not living life exactly as written in the Bible (hence my hesitation to call myself a "practicing/religious Christian"), but everything I was - my achievements and my various growths - I owed to God. I was who I became because He brought me up. I always felt His love and presence. I was confident and capable because of God, and I thanked Him constantly, albeit silently.

I was confident and capable, to a fault. I once got told by a colleague I should never stop asking God for things. I mentioned to my Bible study group at work that I already felt very blessed. Other people had stronger needs, so I was thanking Him for my blessings, but only asked for very simple things (eg "please make my train late or my feet run fast", when I was running late for work). It felt selfish to ask for more. God always gave me what I needed (though not all I wanted), or He gave me the ability/means to get what I wanted on my own. So all I asked for were strength, courage, wisdom, serenity and humour to deal with life crises He would throw at me.

The glass was mostly "more than half full". Problems were tackled quickly and dreams were confidently chased (okay, maybe with some nervous crying). But I forgot about Satan affecting my life coz when bad situations arose I dealt with them immediately with the skills and wisdom I learned with God's help; or I toughened them out. I always thought there were far worse problems in the world; and God would not have given me the problems I faced if He thought I would not have been able to survive them. So I guess, I knew I would feel pain, but I was still invincible...? That was how much I loved God and trusted God.

During my walkabout (long travels) I started searching for a church (which I found in Notting Hill Gate, London. I'm so grateful Kensington Temple does webcast). I had spiritual questions that baffled me and I knew I wouldn't find the answers on my own. It took a while for me to understand (and I am still learning, with the help of my new church here at home). Life stayed good, even when it was not perfect, I was still grateful for many things.

I had a truly amazing experience travelling! And I met many awesome people whom I wonderfully kept in contact with - good friends! Unfortunately though my worst life experiences to date, or "dark moments", also happened then. I dealt with those moments as positively as I could at the start, as I thought God made me "battle ready". I admit that in my trust and love for God, plus because I felt God's protection and love for me my whole life, I thought He would not let me go through those awful events or let wicked people affect me. So I simply asked for my usual top five - strength, courage, wisdom, humour and serenity. Instead I became continuously vulnerable and repeatedly beaten down by an onslaught of events and losses.

I lived a double life - lots of travels, fun, opportunities and friends; but I was crushed and beaten down in other aspects of my life. I suffered almost as much as I enjoyed life. The blessings were followed with griefs and misfortunes. I always travelled with sickness, sorrow, or a heavy burden/heart. Yet I could not disregard being very grateful I was still able to live my dreams!! My lowest breaking point was when my eldest brother passed away. I felt my strength to fight forward leave me. Absolute vulnerability. Life's trials continued but I was numbed. A handful of people were aware of parts of what had been happening, some wanted me to stop travelling and go home. I did go home/give up, but it was the escape of travel and living my dream (or forcing myself to continue travelling) that kept my spirit ignited (or at least kept me busy as I had to survive in foreign countries). So I carried on with all I was given (blessings and griefs); pursued my travels while I tried to heal instead of staying home; and let go of what was not mine or never mine to hold on to.

Years of reflecting later, I still do not understand if there was a purpose to those experiences (according to God's plans). I also cannot fully determine how much of it I should blame solely on myself and my decisions/actions/folly (human responsibility). I do not know how much of my bad experiences were God's doing, if any; and how much were not (e.g spiritual battles). But my faith in God is strong, He brought me up well and I will always have Him as my foundation. In my deepest sorrow I had some moments where I felt alone, God showed me He was with me, or with us. In my lowest points when I had trouble communicating with God He reminded me that He equipped me enough to still pull through. I forgot to just trust Him fully, as I kept trying to understand the situations and fix/deal/survive them on my own. Maybe that was THE lesson I had to learn and remember. Or maybe, God used me to remind others of their lessons. I don't know. I do not have to understand. I'm just glad they are over now :-).

I made a lot of bad decisions and bad reactions. There was a time where I was VERY scared as I saw myself morph into a person I did not like and I never thought I would become (I let God down and I let myself down). I felt powerless to stop it and even felt I needed to be it to survive or to love. I almost convinced myself to believe the warped mentality, a conditioning I found out a lot of women (and some men) accepted. It was the top five characteristics I always asked God to give me that pulled me out of this mess and the other matters I battled - strength, courage, wisdom, serenity and humour.

Now when I feel fragile, I have some learned reactions I cannot shake off. Maybe I need those instinctive reactions to protect myself from harm and dangerous situations/people I could face in my future (mis)adventures, especially if I will be alone. Maybe they made me more human. I was so assured in the past, it even amazes me now how invincible I felt! What I were was unintentionally self-righteous, because I really did not understand, even though I thought I did (looking in from outside). Going through some experiences myself, I feel I have a deeper understanding to humanity. Sympathy about certain situations has turned into empathy, which I know is better and more compassionate towards what others are going through. I also learnt more about unconditional forgiveness; accepting loss (or never owning what I had let go); friendships in spite/despite of; healing; resilience; and truthful/unselfish love.

I am more flawed and faulty, with new bad habits. A part of me wishes for the old me back - I seemed so good, shiny and perfect then compared to me now. I was unknowing but much easier to handle. However, there's something about the way I am developing that is also... interesting.... Like a series of artwork and I've only seen the start. Hopefully a working progress :-). I know it's weird to talk of one's self this way, but I cannot help wonder how I will turn out... :-).

Life is such a curious journey. And I am still a willing student :-).... I will sign off with my favourite scripture from the Bible, which is Proverbs 3:5-6.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."