Top Tens - Autumn/Fall 2013

End of the month. Autumn April's almost over... the first of our Fall season. Here's my top tens... :-)

Ten Things I Love/Appreciate

1. Restful, longer than 5 hours sleep.

2. Still feeling at peace with willingness to give up work (despite loving it and the security).

3. SBS (Special Broadcasting Service) shows, documentaries and films - now accessible online. So good! 
4. Still haven't purchased anything new, though my one-year challenge to not purchase "stuff" ended this year. I noticed I have a lot of beauty products though - body lotions, toothbrushes (collected from Vietnam hotels, hahahah), toothpastes, hair gels, eye shadows, nail polishes and lipsticks. A few collected like the toothbrushes, some given, a lot were freebies from events/places attended. I decided to give them away or use them all before purchasing another.
5. My baptism.
6. Seeing representatives of my friends (outside and within church), colleagues and family all-together for the first time in one location, as they supported/celebrated my baptism with me. I'm very appreciative, thank you.
7. I appreciate the opportunities I will soon be given to prepare for my next adventures. I'm waiting to become an apprentice, to be more exposed to Godly missions.
8. I actually really appreciate the confrontations I face with myself as I try to apply the Kingdom living and values into my decisions and actions.
9. I am grateful that (most) friends know that my relationship and love for them will not change to less just because I turned "Jesus". It will break my heart if any of you think I will see/treat you with less love, or unequal or unacceptable. :-((( .... My love has actually even increased!! Not out of pity, piety, or duty! But overflowing from increased awareness of how much God loves all of us, regardless.

10. I appreciate the challenge of "letting go of stuff". Material things, and emotional. Filtering what's important and true/honest. This is also very hard, making me face fully some harsh and confronting issues. I want/need to face them, for my own good and to be better. It is great for healing and restoration/rejuvenation, which I love. ♥♥

Ten Things I Miss/Dislike

1. I dislike flu vaccinations. Uuuuggghh! I had my injection today. My arm is sore and heavy. My body feels ill.... :-(((
2. I don't like feeling unwell. Hot cold hot cold.
3. I miss being active without much restrictions. I don't feel unhealthy. I'm unfit but I don't feel gluggy. I just miss how it boosts my mood and gives me doses of endorphins.
4. I dislike my ankle losing flexibility, and my stand/walk being unstable. Keep an eye out for my "airplane" moves when I feel like I'm falling... ;-)... ack! :-/
5. I didn't like not achieving/acquiring my online TEFL certificate. I have accepted why I had to push it aside, not following my agenda. Naturally, I feel like I failed. But bigger picture, it is so clear where I am being lead. I also know I will teach English as a foreign language, in God's time.
6. I dislike feeling cold. I know I prefer heat. If only I could hibernate and wake up when the weather is warmer again.

7. I dislike how messy my room table and drawers and floor gets...!

8. I would dislike to be somewhere quiet, away from my other preoccupations, and write.

9. I miss the beach, with warm water and sunsets.

10. I dislike losing the little confidence I have in driving. I haven't driven for years. I'm pretty sure I've lost the little skills I had.... ugh.

Ten Wishes/Prayers ** All pretty much the same...! :-)

1. To wait patiently on God. Hebrews 11:8.
2. Ankle (and leg burn) to heal well and fully. Also please no flu this fall/winter!
3. To have (undeniable) clarity on what to do next. I think I know medium-term what I am learning, doing, and preparing for.

4. To not be lead by my own plans/fears/insecurities/over-confidence. Psalm 23.
5. To have (undeniable) clarity on where to go to next. I think I already know.
6. Courage (I have, because I trust.)
7. Submission (I do, because I follow with trust.)
8. For the last (biz) issue with old partner to be fully finalised this year instead of in 4 years! No negativity, but I would really like to no longer have to deal with him and not participate in keeping the (biz) issue away from his new partner. Peace of mind and complete closure would be nice.
9. To not under-perform and to be a peacemaker at work. smoothening office issues and politics.
10. That opportunities keeps coming and presenting itself; and that I respond rightly/appropriately.

Shy Extrovert

I had to get up on stage to give a six minutes speech today. Everyone said "I did well, spoke clearly, sounded totally fine, did good, and delivered with clarity and to the point". I was glad to hear those comments. I could count in one hand my public speaking experience on a "stage" where the attention is focused solely on me. I never like(d) them.

People did not know that. They could not imagine that I would have such an issue.

As soon as the microphone was handed to me, blood shot up to my head I felt like fainting; my ears hurt that if anyone asked a question I would have struggled to understand it; my eyes couldn't focus so I couldn't read my notes; my mind was screaming it didn't want to be there and sent me non-stop barrage of what I "must do" and "must not do" I was surprised I spoke and stood there; my throat was dry; I took shallow breaths; my tongue felt heavy; my back started hurting I wanted to stoop/cower; and my heart was thumping so loud I strained to hear my voice.

I forced my nerves into steel. Kept reminding myself skills I learnt to address a much smaller group (as a workplace trainer). Tried to remember the speech I wrote. Relied on speaking honestly from the heart to save my memory from freezing up. All these while I crazily removed my embarrassment of exposing my life, and the knowledge that SOMEONE was recording it (no!no!no!)!! Also, while fighting to be in the moment, conscious of everything that was happening.

I tried to project cool, charm and calm. It helped that I was comfortable with the people behind me while on stage. I sensed I did not engage the crowd, like I do when I train people, but my bigger obstacle was to just finish the speech! I was able to stay aware in most (but not all) of the right moments, whew! I held on to my playful and curious personality. Despite my body's physical reactions, I prayed that I could still enjoy key events.

Offstage, away from anyone's view.... As soon as I relaxed my nerves of steel, I shook so much I couldn't remove my clothes (they were drenched), my eyes let go of several tears, my whole body was cold-freezing, but my face was still hot! I felt like fainting again. That time it was harder to control my body, but I fought it hard as I only had a few minutes to dry up, get changed, and step out again to be in public eye. I mentally bottled the adrenalin rush, imagined it washed with zen.

Sitting down in front, I expressed outward calm, and eventually I was. However, my nerves were shot all day.... I did not understand the main presentation. I picked up several points mentioned and noticed statements that seemed fuddled, even though my own thoughts were jumbled. But I cannot remember any of the message now. Someone read me a bible verse. I remember it was in Romans, that was all, even though I tried very hard to box it into my memory. I think I shut down when he said he recorded me! I was soooo embarrassed!!!!

My eustress shot up again, one and a half hour later, as I had more "business" to react to!! Colleagues and friends who visited to see me on stage were rushing away, already late for their appointments/work and I was trying to spend at least half a minute with them to thank them for coming. I managed to talk to one (a couple) but four had no choice but to leave without communication (sorry thank you!). I was sooo embarrased, surviving but grateful, to be surrounded by people who were genuinely happy and excited for me (thank you for staying back and making a point of congratulating me!).

...I was very grateful. I felt so much love from everyone - my family, friends and colleagues. And strangers. I was becoming emotional comprehending and witnessing it all. A boundless thank you!!!....

When I didn't think any more of my guests were "lost", my remaining guests and family left the building. Thinking back, I needed it, I was too HIGH from all the excitement around me I had to run away!

People ("locals", not the guests) texted me later in the night that they looked for me but I disappeared.... *insert sheepish smile here*.

I needed to sleep to heal as soon as I got home. When I woke up I was still on "edge". That six minutes (plus about another 10 minutes of introduction, praying and baptising) was a BIG DAY for me.

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I say I'm like this because I am shy. No one immediately accepts that I am. Because I am active, always smiling/laughing, look/act confident, friendly, gregarious, and I blog.

Contrary to popular belief, I am shy. I cannot control how I feel internally when I am dealing with others, regardless of how I appear externally. I blush easy and I don't respond well to being the centre of attention in various situations. Certain company makes me feel uneasy. I am not a fan of public speaking. I don't know why but I freak out when I'm treated special by a group. It is easier for me to deal with my shyness in smaller groups (example, four or less), especially when I am comfortable or feel connected to those present. My shyness to individuals varies. Sometimes no matter how close and comfortable I am with someone, he/she can still turn my face into a tomato.

Celebrations of/for me are best organised without my knowledge, including my wedding!! Not joking. Or taken care of by a planner who could gauge what I like/want, could ask questions, but not give me progress reports. I'd probably prefer to be far away and just show up. I would cope better with surprises than knowing :-). Several friends in various countries/locations asked me to record the speech (I know now someone did). Not all these friends are registered to a social profile network.... It might mean the speech would go into public domain. I don't mind if someone posts it online... I guess...(!!??)... this is unventured territory.... The current videos of me on Youtube were not specifically mine, nor about me...(!!). I guess if there are no personal/private details it will be alright, lost in the online crowd...(!!!!).

My shyness does not mean I lack confidence or suffer low self-esteem. I have enough of those now to get by. I also do not think I am timid. I am not afraid to act and stand up for myself (but I prefer to not confront). I can muster courage from within when needed. Or should I say I learned to be less shy and less timid. Though I struggled to stand up for myself and to speak for myself in several situations, experiences taught me how to be less uncomfortable (shy) and to be less fearful (timid). Experiences also thought me life is better faced forward respectfully and amicably, for example, conflicts (resolutions).

The efforts to deal with my shyness, if continuous, tire and drain me out. So I tend to like my own company during those times. Powernaps, restful sleeps and solo retreats are great to recharge my emotional battery. For a time I thought it meant I was really more insular, therefore an introvert. But I am too curious and interested of people, places and events to be focused inward. I could also be recharged by spending quality time and connecting with someone I love. Hence I know I am more an extrovert.

Smell

I took 3 showers yesterday. Last time I did that I was in a country so hot and I sweated too much, that showers freshened and cooled me down. Yesterday, the weather was cold, rainy and windy. It was not a good day to put myself through the discomfort of removing my warm clothes, then feel chilled as I tried to dry-up quickly, and re-warm myself with fresh but cold clothes plus long wet hair.

I have a strong sense of smell. Sometimes very handy, other times a problem.

Yesterday, after the morning Easter Sunday service (which I showered for, heheh), mom and I decided to lunch out. I made her choose which continent the dishes could come from (she said she wanted rice); and suggested Japanese, Indonesian and Italian (she chose Indonesian) which were a short walking distance from us. I took her to a restaurant which I was surprised was actually Malaysian, but we stayed coz she had never been there and we did not want to tire out my ankle injury. For the first time in my life, I waited in the queue (I never queue up for more than 5 minutes, or at least we sit at the bar with drinks/starters comfortably until called). Mom did not mind, but it was freezing to stand outside so I felt bad for her.... Anyway, we waited for over 10 minutes, then sat down and ate for over an hour. There was ample ventilation and air circulation, but the cooking and food smells still latched on to our clothes. I could smell it strongly on my skin and my hair. I rushed to shower again and shampooed vigorously as soon as I got home.

A couple of hours later, a friend and his daughter picked me up to go to another Easter event. Freshly dressed (except for my gold jacket and soft scarf, still smelling of the Malaysian restaurant, ugh, so I wore it as little as possible), out we went. I found out the South African speaker was actually German, oops hahahah. I was thankful we arrived more than half an hour early, ensuring seats. So many people showed up a second show had to be quickly organised after ours (which appeared to also be too much past capacity). There were people squeezed at every step and crevice of the auditorium. I could smell some of them. Not a foul body odour, nor strong perfume/cologne. Just from where they had been, smokes, dogs, bed, re-worn clothes, and their normal body scents. My nose was hyper-sensitive.

Afterwards, we grabbed a bite and drinks at a foodcourt nearby. Then headed home. On route home, after some casual chats with friendly strangers, we were invited to a comedy show for free. My friend couldn't (I figured, to spend time with his beautiful daughter), I was tired, and I did not feel like dealing with more olfactory challenges (smokes and alcohol, etc). I could also still smell the foodcourt on me. So I declined for us and headed to the shower for more hearty scrubbing and shampooing. I could not stand the smell of my "dirty" clothes and even my used towel got thrown in the laundry... very far away from me.

(to be continued, maybe... regarding how travel changes our smells and how unaware many people are that we ALL smell "off" or weird to someone somehow...)

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I have always been aware of people's natural scents smelling differently - no matter how great our hygiene routines are, how expensive and scented the products we use, and how plain the foods we eat are. We all smell. And our scents linger across "funny", "weird", "interesting" or "off" to someone, somehow.

In my younger days, I thought I always smelt alright (heheheh). I didn't have strong body odours that required deodorants, as far as I knew and in comparison to my peers. I was silently glad of this fact, and lived life mostly au naturel. Perfumes were used on a whim, not out of necessity.

As I got older my group of friends became more diverse and the foods I digested became more experimental (e.g. started eating onions and garlic). My body, my diet, and the way/rate I burned my food intakes may have also changed. The most obvious change to me was whenever the smell of onions and garlic wafted from my pores and onto my clothes an hour after I ate them. Later, my natural scent also changed (specifically my left armpit, more than my right, I still don't know why, ack!) when I introduced new types of meat like veal/lamb and goat. During travels and multiculturalism, I was exposed to more spices and ingredients. I also started to spend more time in kitchens participating or watching people cook, bake, grill, barbecue and roast. I ate local foods and used local products.

My aroma changed, evolved, and took on my environments. It wasn't always pleasant, even quite unnerving to accept; because I preferred to always smell like fresh mint, a garden of flowers, exotic musks, the sea or clean water, or like a clean baby. But to dive into the adventures, cultures and experiences fully meant letting go of my comforts and allowing myself to become part of the community. That usually meant identifying with the people, by not being/smelling too different to them, as much as possible. Saying that, I had walked around spraying kids and women with perfume (with their permission). They loved it! It was usually a great ice-breaker! I always ended up leaving my perfumes as well and journeyed on without. Yet, most times I didn't carry any, to lessen the weight of my luggage as much as possible.

Regardless of culture, and skin colour, and country we came from we all smell. A lone Caucasian sharing an apartment with Africans may feel overwhelmed by the smells of the spices used on their dishes. But he/she may not know that the Africans also struggled with the scent coming from his/her skin. Someone once described it to me as "a hint of rotten meat" or "meat fats". Everyone walked around with half-closed noses until they habituated to each other's essence. I remembered a European friend in London commented I "smelt like an American", after a trip to USA - greasy foods, a hint of Mexican spices, and toffee, topped with my Victoria Secret body splash...!!!

... It usually takes me at least a couple of weeks before my scents goes back to "normal" after my trips, depending on how long I was immersed in the cultures and how different they were to my own. :-)