I had to get up on stage to give a six minutes speech today. Everyone said "I did well, spoke clearly, sounded totally fine, did good, and delivered with clarity and to the point". I was glad to hear those comments. I could count in one hand my public speaking experience on a "stage" where the attention is focused solely on me. I never like(d) them.
People did not know that. They could not imagine that I would have such an issue.
As soon as the microphone was handed to me, blood shot up to my head I felt like fainting; my ears hurt that if anyone asked a question I would have struggled to understand it; my eyes couldn't focus so I couldn't read my notes; my mind was screaming it didn't want to be there and sent me non-stop barrage of what I "must do" and "must not do" I was surprised I spoke and stood there; my throat was dry; I took shallow breaths; my tongue felt heavy; my back started hurting I wanted to stoop/cower; and my heart was thumping so loud I strained to hear my voice.
I forced my nerves into steel. Kept reminding myself skills I learnt to address a much smaller group (as a workplace trainer). Tried to remember the speech I wrote. Relied on speaking honestly from the heart to save my memory from freezing up. All these while I crazily removed my embarrassment of exposing my life, and the knowledge that SOMEONE was recording it (no!no!no!)!! Also, while fighting to be in the moment, conscious of everything that was happening.
I tried to project cool, charm and calm. It helped that I was comfortable with the people behind me while on stage. I sensed I did not engage the crowd, like I do when I train people, but my bigger obstacle was to just finish the speech! I was able to stay aware in most (but not all) of the right moments, whew! I held on to my playful and curious personality. Despite my body's physical reactions, I prayed that I could still enjoy key events.
Offstage, away from anyone's view.... As soon as I relaxed my nerves of steel, I shook so much I couldn't remove my clothes (they were drenched), my eyes let go of several tears, my whole body was cold-freezing, but my face was still hot! I felt like fainting again. That time it was harder to control my body, but I fought it hard as I only had a few minutes to dry up, get changed, and step out again to be in public eye. I mentally bottled the adrenalin rush, imagined it washed with zen.
Sitting down in front, I expressed outward calm, and eventually I was. However, my nerves were shot all day.... I did not understand the main presentation. I picked up several points mentioned and noticed statements that seemed fuddled, even though my own thoughts were jumbled. But I cannot remember any of the message now. Someone read me a bible verse. I remember it was in Romans, that was all, even though I tried very hard to box it into my memory. I think I shut down when he said he recorded me! I was soooo embarrassed!!!!
My eustress shot up again, one and a half hour later, as I had more "business" to react to!! Colleagues and friends who visited to see me on stage were rushing away, already late for their appointments/work and I was trying to spend at least half a minute with them to thank them for coming. I managed to talk to one (a couple) but four had no choice but to leave without communication (sorry thank you!). I was sooo embarrased, surviving but grateful, to be surrounded by people who were genuinely happy and excited for me (thank you for staying back and making a point of congratulating me!).
...I was very grateful. I felt so much love from everyone - my family, friends and colleagues. And strangers. I was becoming emotional comprehending and witnessing it all. A boundless thank you!!!....
When I didn't think any more of my guests were "lost", my remaining guests and family left the building. Thinking back, I needed it, I was too HIGH from all the excitement around me I had to run away!
People ("locals", not the guests) texted me later in the night that they looked for me but I disappeared.... *insert sheepish smile here*.
I needed to sleep to heal as soon as I got home. When I woke up I was still on "edge". That six minutes (plus about another 10 minutes of introduction, praying and baptising) was a BIG DAY for me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I say I'm like this because I am shy. No one immediately accepts that I am. Because I am active, always smiling/laughing, look/act confident, friendly, gregarious, and I blog.
Contrary to popular belief, I am shy. I cannot control how I feel internally when I am dealing with others, regardless of how I appear externally. I blush easy and I don't respond well to being the centre of attention in various situations. Certain company makes me feel uneasy. I am not a fan of public speaking. I don't know why but I freak out when I'm treated special by a group. It is easier for me to deal with my shyness in smaller groups (example, four or less), especially when I am comfortable or feel connected to those present. My shyness to individuals varies. Sometimes no matter how close and comfortable I am with someone, he/she can still turn my face into a tomato.
Celebrations of/for me are best organised without my knowledge, including my wedding!! Not joking. Or taken care of by a planner who could gauge what I like/want, could ask questions, but not give me progress reports. I'd probably prefer to be far away and just show up. I would cope better with surprises than knowing :-). Several friends in various countries/locations asked me to record the speech (I know now someone did). Not all these friends are registered to a social profile network.... It might mean the speech would go into public domain. I don't mind if someone posts it online... I guess...(!!??)... this is unventured territory.... The current videos of me on Youtube were not specifically mine, nor about me...(!!). I guess if there are no personal/private details it will be alright, lost in the online crowd...(!!!!).
My shyness does not mean I lack confidence or suffer low self-esteem. I have enough of those now to get by. I also do not think I am timid. I am not afraid to act and stand up for myself (but I prefer to not confront). I can muster courage from within when needed. Or should I say I learned to be less shy and less timid. Though I struggled to stand up for myself and to speak for myself in several situations, experiences taught me how to be less uncomfortable (shy) and to be less fearful (timid). Experiences also thought me life is better faced forward respectfully and amicably, for example, conflicts (resolutions).
The efforts to deal with my shyness, if continuous, tire and drain me out. So I tend to like my own company during those times. Powernaps, restful sleeps and solo retreats are great to recharge my emotional battery. For a time I thought it meant I was really more insular, therefore an introvert. But I am too curious and interested of people, places and events to be focused inward. I could also be recharged by spending quality time and connecting with someone I love. Hence I know I am more an extrovert.
People did not know that. They could not imagine that I would have such an issue.
As soon as the microphone was handed to me, blood shot up to my head I felt like fainting; my ears hurt that if anyone asked a question I would have struggled to understand it; my eyes couldn't focus so I couldn't read my notes; my mind was screaming it didn't want to be there and sent me non-stop barrage of what I "must do" and "must not do" I was surprised I spoke and stood there; my throat was dry; I took shallow breaths; my tongue felt heavy; my back started hurting I wanted to stoop/cower; and my heart was thumping so loud I strained to hear my voice.
I forced my nerves into steel. Kept reminding myself skills I learnt to address a much smaller group (as a workplace trainer). Tried to remember the speech I wrote. Relied on speaking honestly from the heart to save my memory from freezing up. All these while I crazily removed my embarrassment of exposing my life, and the knowledge that SOMEONE was recording it (no!no!no!)!! Also, while fighting to be in the moment, conscious of everything that was happening.
I tried to project cool, charm and calm. It helped that I was comfortable with the people behind me while on stage. I sensed I did not engage the crowd, like I do when I train people, but my bigger obstacle was to just finish the speech! I was able to stay aware in most (but not all) of the right moments, whew! I held on to my playful and curious personality. Despite my body's physical reactions, I prayed that I could still enjoy key events.
Offstage, away from anyone's view.... As soon as I relaxed my nerves of steel, I shook so much I couldn't remove my clothes (they were drenched), my eyes let go of several tears, my whole body was cold-freezing, but my face was still hot! I felt like fainting again. That time it was harder to control my body, but I fought it hard as I only had a few minutes to dry up, get changed, and step out again to be in public eye. I mentally bottled the adrenalin rush, imagined it washed with zen.
Sitting down in front, I expressed outward calm, and eventually I was. However, my nerves were shot all day.... I did not understand the main presentation. I picked up several points mentioned and noticed statements that seemed fuddled, even though my own thoughts were jumbled. But I cannot remember any of the message now. Someone read me a bible verse. I remember it was in Romans, that was all, even though I tried very hard to box it into my memory. I think I shut down when he said he recorded me! I was soooo embarrassed!!!!
My eustress shot up again, one and a half hour later, as I had more "business" to react to!! Colleagues and friends who visited to see me on stage were rushing away, already late for their appointments/work and I was trying to spend at least half a minute with them to thank them for coming. I managed to talk to one (a couple) but four had no choice but to leave without communication (sorry thank you!). I was sooo embarrased, surviving but grateful, to be surrounded by people who were genuinely happy and excited for me (thank you for staying back and making a point of congratulating me!).
...I was very grateful. I felt so much love from everyone - my family, friends and colleagues. And strangers. I was becoming emotional comprehending and witnessing it all. A boundless thank you!!!....
When I didn't think any more of my guests were "lost", my remaining guests and family left the building. Thinking back, I needed it, I was too HIGH from all the excitement around me I had to run away!
People ("locals", not the guests) texted me later in the night that they looked for me but I disappeared.... *insert sheepish smile here*.
I needed to sleep to heal as soon as I got home. When I woke up I was still on "edge". That six minutes (plus about another 10 minutes of introduction, praying and baptising) was a BIG DAY for me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I say I'm like this because I am shy. No one immediately accepts that I am. Because I am active, always smiling/laughing, look/act confident, friendly, gregarious, and I blog.
Contrary to popular belief, I am shy. I cannot control how I feel internally when I am dealing with others, regardless of how I appear externally. I blush easy and I don't respond well to being the centre of attention in various situations. Certain company makes me feel uneasy. I am not a fan of public speaking. I don't know why but I freak out when I'm treated special by a group. It is easier for me to deal with my shyness in smaller groups (example, four or less), especially when I am comfortable or feel connected to those present. My shyness to individuals varies. Sometimes no matter how close and comfortable I am with someone, he/she can still turn my face into a tomato.
Celebrations of/for me are best organised without my knowledge, including my wedding!! Not joking. Or taken care of by a planner who could gauge what I like/want, could ask questions, but not give me progress reports. I'd probably prefer to be far away and just show up. I would cope better with surprises than knowing :-). Several friends in various countries/locations asked me to record the speech (I know now someone did). Not all these friends are registered to a social profile network.... It might mean the speech would go into public domain. I don't mind if someone posts it online... I guess...(!!??)... this is unventured territory.... The current videos of me on Youtube were not specifically mine, nor about me...(!!). I guess if there are no personal/private details it will be alright, lost in the online crowd...(!!!!).
My shyness does not mean I lack confidence or suffer low self-esteem. I have enough of those now to get by. I also do not think I am timid. I am not afraid to act and stand up for myself (but I prefer to not confront). I can muster courage from within when needed. Or should I say I learned to be less shy and less timid. Though I struggled to stand up for myself and to speak for myself in several situations, experiences taught me how to be less uncomfortable (shy) and to be less fearful (timid). Experiences also thought me life is better faced forward respectfully and amicably, for example, conflicts (resolutions).
The efforts to deal with my shyness, if continuous, tire and drain me out. So I tend to like my own company during those times. Powernaps, restful sleeps and solo retreats are great to recharge my emotional battery. For a time I thought it meant I was really more insular, therefore an introvert. But I am too curious and interested of people, places and events to be focused inward. I could also be recharged by spending quality time and connecting with someone I love. Hence I know I am more an extrovert.
A shy extrovert eh? Meet a shy introvert. I don't understand why people refuse to accept our own descriptions of ourselves as shy. They don't know the turmoil going on underneath the veneer of composure.
ReplyDeleteHappy Saturday, Rachelle!