Even in stillness, a lot can happen in a month....
I'm going to share about how God's Holy Spirit clearly guided me to "be still"... and how I learnt and lived it, so far....
“Be still, and know that I am God.” - Psalm 46:10a
For this season, being still means three things - to sit, to be silent, and, to submit.
1. SIT
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I had full medical check-ups and spoke to a born-again Christian social worker as soon as I came back home, to take care of my long-term wellbeing. The social worker also "being" a Christian was important so she could understand my "language". I shared with her my growth in Christ and experiences, thought processes, coping skills, and decision-making abilities. All were fine, except that she made me realise that I.DO.NOT.KNOW.HOW.TO.REST!!?! Apparently what I called rest, even the amount of time I scheduled to rest, (yes, I used to "book rest/sleep" like an appointment in my calendar before I went to Hawaii) were not rest, and were not enough rest(!!??!?).
The old lightbulb switched on. We unpacked my lifestyle - alone or with other(s) - and revealed that everything I did were active, stimulated and tiring! My holidays were always adventuresome with (un)planned ministries. I only slept because I needed to. When I read, walked/hiked, at home, or at a cafe - I was busy finishing tasks, learning, praying, researching, multi-skilling, exercising or working out strategies/plans. There were no divisions between my work, play and rest. I thought that was okay because I achieved much - "carpe diem" (seize the day)! I always improved - doing something new, efficient, curious. These habits weren't wrong, but I never "stepped away" - from ministry and work. A good candidate for a burnout if left unchecked, especially because my extroverted lifestyle pressed hard against my not-obvious-introverted self.
She gave me a challenge to walk away, not do any ministry, not solve a problem, nor work (self-improve). I think that was what she said, para-phrased (ack??!). I likened myself to a baby learning to walk. I think she said I need to give time and "allow God to do the work" in me, or for me. I thought I was doing that already..?!.. I should give myself/God time away. To be in solitude, and sit still....
"And on the seventh day God finished his work that he had done, and he rested on the seventh day from all his work that he had done."
(Genesis 2:2 ESV)
I know resting is God's gift, and I loved it when I was with Him in "our garden". I just became aware even in our garden I was working.... :-((
I do feel restored since coming back home, but not rested. I tried a couple of times to "not work (improve)" for a day, like God did. Something always came up that needed time (meetings, interviews, appointments) or actions (e.g. move house, reading, applications to fill in). Still unsettled and discerning my future steps, there were too many unplanned tasks it was physically impossible to disappear. I set July 6-10 as my forced "sitting time". Already I felt selfish each time I declined to book anything within it (that's why it changed from a week's rest to just five days). I figured the first 2-3 days I'll be either freaking out or settling into a rest rhythm(?)... or God will simply rest me!! :-))))
I'M.NOT.GOING.TO.DO.ANY.WORK.OR.MINISTRY!!! (Convincing myself....)
Physically I welcome this God-inspired rest, I have not had a break (my type of adventurous getaways) since 2012!! My body started to feel unhealthy tiredness last week... fatiguing too often. Mentally or emotionally or whatever, I still don't know how or what the social worker meant (ack! hahah ugh!). I know she's onto something. God's transforming me in this "season of rest". I sense this lesson is not an "add-on" optional improvement. I just cannot comprehend yet. But I'm confronted now with knowledge that I cannot keep asking for strength and wisdom in how I use my time without sharpening my attitudes and behaviours to what God is revealing.
I thank God for reminders to rest, in Him and out here. He's already connected me with a social worker whom could teach me strategies how. We agreed for me to see her again after this trial in July....
2. SILENT
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I pleaded fervently for God to hold well my relationships with my church family (Melbourne) and mission agency (Hawaii). I was obediently taking steps to go back to where Jesus last commanded me to go (Hawaii) - applying for a visa and organising to be trained as a trainer - as I felt that my graduation was not the "end/closure" of His command.
In my quiet times and in prayers, I repented for my pride about where I should be theologically educated in the future (it's not where that's important but WHO, ahem God, is teaching me). Then the Holy Spirit guided me to consider a Masters of Divinity program. Discerning to make sure I was not distracted or deceived, I went back to fervent praying. Then the Lord confirmed His plan this season by revealing to me two specific scriptures (Acts 22:3 and Luke 10:39); where I am to “sit at the feet” of my teachers.
“I am a Jew, born in Tarsus in Cilicia, but brought up in this city, educated at the feet of Gamaliel, according to the strict manner of the law of our fathers, being zealous for God as all of you are this day."
(Acts 22:3 ESV)
“(Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house.) And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet and listened to his teaching."
(Luke 10:[38-]39 ESV)
First given was the Paul verse, which I did not understand. Always running back to God for clarity/help, He gave me the Mary verse next. Had I received the Mary and Martha story first, I would have taken it as God reminding me to not be overwhelmed with all the tasks I did to go back to Hawaii to staff/work, instead to enjoy His lessons. But as I compared the two scriptures I saw the common denominator of "sitting" at the feet of Gamaliel/Jesus as teachers. I knew it was what God wanted me to do! To study instead of work!! A clear plan/directive. There were more confirming scriptures, but I decided to not list them to keep this update short.
God’s command for me to purposefully build myself up in the gospel is very clear, but I don’t know how long this season/detour He wants me to do it for. I’m mindful that God may want to send me back out into the mission field between completion of the Masters program (I still don't feel released from command to go to Hawaii/Ships).
This command changed my obedience from rushing back into the mission field in Hawaii; to peacefully (silently) apply for the Masters program and for scholarship. Because I knew it is God's will, He would make it work.
...I received news of acceptance for the Divinity Program on Thursday.
It was the physical confirmation I waited for, to study full-time this season instead of rushing back to Hawaii. I had to quickly explain it to my mission agency in Hawaii. I start today - Monday!!! I'm due to wake up in less than 5 hours (6am) to get ready to travel 1.5 hours one way. I still have 117 pages of pre-reading to do before 9am. Still smiling ;-))) ....
Six hours ago I also found out information about what the scholarship would (usually) not cover.... I'm praying through this revelation peacefully. Seriously (and with humour) speaking to God and listening to His Spirit's guidance. I am still smiling :-))). I knew God is growing me in this journey specifically to trust and accept His provisions through His people. To grow my longer-term support network. I hoped to only speak to the scholarship committee. But quietly I guessed it possible God wanted to involve more people, using this/my situation to spur active participation from us. This awesome faith journey, trusting God's ways and timing, continues!! :-)) My peace comes from surrendering all to God and just walking obediently through His lessons. I smile because despite all these uncertainties, all is well and peaceful in my soul. :-)))
3. SUBMIT
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God grew me into understanding that I am to submit myself to my places/people of trust, for godly guidance and experienced wisdom. Of course first I submitted to Him (remember "fear of the Lord" Psalm 34:8-11, from previous update). I must highlight that when it comes to my human relationships, submission does not mean subservience. It is biblically submitting to my equal. Also, God will never ask for me to give up the authority He's given me. He will ask me to choose it.
Jesus is walking me quietly through my obedience, pride, default to work/own strength, and rebellion. It's an ongoing process, we have been doing this intentional spiritual fitness since 2012. Back in my home turf, I sensed the difficulty level go up several times. One night I had weird irrational emotions, where I was not discouraged in God, but I had discouraging thoughts about others!! I went through it always knowing the thoughts were untrue!! My trust community have been supportive! Yet I doubted the (un)known people whom God will prompt to respond to my journeys. God's Spirit also warned me I think. Two hours before it happened I asked a group I had dinner with randomly, to pray "courage" for me. Then while I was going through it one of my dinner friends was prompted to contact me (support as body of Christ). I spent a long time disagreeing with my persistent negativity. It did not make sense. I did not believe those attacks. I could not understand why those feelings were coming out, trying to paralyse me into fear!!??! The only reason I won was because I abandoned the fight, went down on my knees to worship God, and surrendered all to Him who is my Rock and my Commander.
Thankfully God skilled me for that battle even before I knew I was going to have it, and gave me this verse when I arrived in Melbourne, while in silence.
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."
(Joshua 1:9 ESV)
I expect to be dealing with mindsets - other people's and mine - in what I should and can do. I guess that's why God revealed to me it is not only about seeking what He wants me to "do" for Him, but also who He wants me to "be". The sitting and silence guidance with submission are intertwined to this three-part lesson of obedience.
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End Notes:
If you would like to know how to get to know Jesus more; or would like to grow in knowing Him more, please contact me and I would loooove to walk with you through that journey! :-))))
Prayer & Praise Points:
Thank God for his love, discipline, encouragements and provisions.
For me to rest in Jesus, in faith and physically; so I could stay alert and strong while studying full-time.
Wisdom and boldness to step into ministry(ies) God is releasing me to.
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“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
(Matthew 11:28-30 ESV)
I shared this verse last update. It still (always) applies. May we all experience and know what God is offering us here, salvation through Jesus; and for us to we accept the love of God that is in Jesus Christ our Lord.
