Open Rebuke Is Better Than Hidden Love

When we truly care for or love someone, we let them get away with much, to make life comfortable. We are not perfect. We cannot judge. We have to be patient, supportive and understanding. But, when you see the person/group is making bad decisions and choices, repeatedly (or for the first time), we should talk to them. Especially when everyone else is talking about this person's issue amongst each other but not with him/her! Bring up the issue/s even at the risk of offending or putting ourselves in uncomfortable situations.

How we should handle each situation is hard to simplify. It is often delicate to balance when to speak out and when to accept other people's faults and flaws, so as not to judge when we too are imperfect.

I used to just call it "tough love". Now, the verse "Better is open rebuke than hidden love (Proverbs 27:5)" also springs to mind. I was known for being peaceful and patient. A friend recently told me she's known me for more than 10 years and she'd seen me "crack it" only twice. The first time was to my partner at the time - but she wasn't sure if I really did. She just remembered I started talking in a different language which she assumed I did for privacy, heheheh. The second time was towards her, which she knew even at the time she deserved. I do not like it - tough love - however, I had been compelled to practice it on too many occasions.

Open rebuke is better than hidden love. I can be harsh if needed, but in general I prefer to approach gently, as that is how I would like to be handled if I am being corrected :-)....

Time to sleep! Find my peace again, ugh!

Bucket For Two

Tonight I got asked to write down one or two things I would put in my bucket list. We were told to write no more than two options.

For those who don't know what a "bucket list", it is basically a list of what you would like to achieve or experience before you die, also known as when you "kick the bucket".

My choices limited (I can think of hundreds of things to put in the bucket), it clearly clarified what I deemed important. I wrote:

1. To see my (children and) grandchildren (grow). - Hopeful life journeys
2. To see the 7 wonders of the world. - Achievable adventures

I still can't think of anything better than those two, that is realistic and not influenced by situations/circumstances like war, health, faith, relationships or ambition. They're not in the bucket list because they are purposes driving me/us now.

This also made me think of a blog I wrote in 2006 - "This Lady Can Dream". The dreams I listed then are still accurate, surprisingly! I'm glad to see that some of them came true.

...I wondered which top two people would choose?... What's important to us now?

You choose the colours of your life.... Dream. Explore. Discover.

Backfire

The past two weeks has been full of lessons, hard to keep up. Some felt like beatings. A lot were consequences of my actions. I'm tired.

I'll share one of my mistakes.... The soup story, ugh.

I made an effort to show my appreciation towards a colleague who gave me homemade soup. We've had some tensions due to various disagreements. I corrected my faults (practices learnt from previous work areas), but some discussions caused tensions when I hinted she was being heavy-handed (thankfully I had enough tact to not say fault-finding, e.g. if 50% was good, she would only mention the 50% that was bad). Let me stress, this colleague is a very nice, kind lady. But we treat our friends better than we treat our colleagues. We are only colleagues at work, not "clicky". And some colleagues make assumptions and judgments towards each other. But kindness still occasionally spill out to each other.

Back to the soup. She gave it to me on a Friday, but I couldn't eat it then, as I had a baguette sandwich that would not keep until Monday. I planned to eat the soup on Tuesday (as on Mondays I use my lunch break to do circuits in the gym, so I usually eat a sandwich quickly at my desk while I work). But she asked about her soup on Monday. Since things were already sensitive between us, I did not want to offend her some more, I decided to eat the soup then. Call it relationship-rebuilding.

Did I fuss over her too much? I tried too hard? I over-thought it? Yes, I did. All with (too much?) good intentions. I pictured a happy ending. It was also a reeaaallly yummy soup! I complimented her. She told me how she made it. We had a nice conversation. Success. But a couple of days later, it backfired! She told me off for taking 20mins extra of "soup time". I was flabbergasted!!?! I decided to not disagree because she was technically correct, and I did not want to make things worse. But again, the heavy-handedness (when others did worse, regularly, including by her). She chose as an example the one day I did differently. It was really hard to not react, to keep my mouth shut, but I did. I also did not bother telling her I did it for her. By then I knew I could do nothing right.

Times like then, it was hard for me to not be emotional. I felt misunderstood. I beat myself up for bothering, or for not standing up. My pride SHOUTED LOUDLY telling me to react, but I pushed it away. I looked at the bigger picture. I knew I wouldn't win the situation without bringing my neighbours down with me. It would have been a disastrous move. There will be a better way I could handle the problem later. I prayed for her and myself instead. :-)

To end, the lessons I learned are that:

- I could still be in the wrong even when I think I am doing things correctly. It is important to be open to corrections, to not be immediately offended or self-preserving.

- Good intentions does not equal happy endings.

- Nice people are not always nice to each other.

- Momentary "wins" will only serve you/me.

- It is not about winning. It is about doing what is good or best at the time.
- Pride is really hard to battle with. I thought I was attacking it, then it crept in in another form.
- It was nice to still find calm in this storm.

- *Scratching my head* Human conditions really boggles me! :-)

"Woza"

It is a word from one of the many dialects in South Africa. According to singer Vusi Mahlasela, it means, "come... celebrate (through song and dance)".

I think I was in Sandton, during the FIFA World Cup. It was a chilly but sunny day. I was munching on Nando's chicken at an outdoors dine-in area, with bread, bag of chips (not french fries) and more peri-peri sauce on the side. I loved Nando’s chicken there, the best tasting I’ve ever eaten! I was told it originated from there and I believe it. Nom nom! :-)

I heard this song play from inside the restaurant. I did not understand but I listened. I started feeling happy, and enjoyed my space. For one or two minutes, I left my surroundings, my thoughts, all my cares/pains, and relaxed. It was just me and the song. Afterwards, I asked the staff for the singer’s name and song title. Today was the first time I searched for it - “Vusi Woza”. I was surprised to find out woza means "come" or “celebrate" ... coz that was exactly how I felt the first time I heard it. I was momentarily happy... alone (in my head)....

It wasn’t the song that gave me understanding. But it became a reminder of the time I made a truthful decision and I "celebrated" my decision with the song.

It was in South Africa where I realised (twice) that I had done enough. I figured if all my strong actions and good intentions still did not produce a good/desired outcome, it meant the other person did not feel I deserved it; or did not value it as much as I did; or was not ready; or did not want the same things. So I was compelled to accept these points of views. It seemed the wiser and better decisions were to let go - to not chase it... and to not fight for it - by ending it. I trusted that if things/people were/are meant to be in our lives, they will find their way back (with a little leap of faith), in different ways and in different forms.

I could not regret, only sadness, because I knew I really tried. Or relief, because time proved I made the best decision. For my part, I did enough. :-) 

* This blog was also inspired by my friend E, who wrote in his update today, "how do you know if something is worth fighting for?".... It also got me thinking of the end result. If it is not clear or simple, when, and how, do you know if you should continue or stop? How much do you put on the line?... There are some things we do, not because we know we will win it, but because we have to do it.

Sunday Sister

I was 15 or 16 when I answered the phone. An older lady was on the other end looking for my mom, but she wasn’t home. The lady told me she had an overseas student with her who was very homesick, who would like to stay with a family from the same culture, so she wanted to speak to my mom to see if we could accommodate. I cannot remember if our house was not yet set up to take in students at the time or if we already had two, coz this house was always full of people, but I remember we weren’t ready for “one more”. Actually, I think, she was the first…?

I could hear sniffling in the background. I asked who was crying and if she was okay. The lady asked me to speak to her, to calm her down. This was the start of our friendship…. :-).

She said “hello”, took a breath that ‘jumped’ like it does when we’ve been crying for a while, and sniffed. She spoke sooo softly I could barely hear her. She sounded so young - sweet and innocent – much younger than me. I pictured a 12-14 year old girl. I immediately wanted to protect her.

We spoke. I can’t remember the exchange, but I was consoling her. She kept addressing me like I was older and I let her. I felt like an adult when she gave the phone back to the lady who rang and I said we would take the girl in. I decided it, hahahah. My mom really did not have any choice. :-)

I told my mom when she got home. I don’t know what happened afterwards – adult stuff, heheheh. But we didn’t have space in the house so I shared my room with her, which I gladly offered. She arrived. Imagine my surprise when I found out she was older than me, already attending university! Yet still, very sweet, innocent and fragile.

We didn’t have much in common; I was/am very much the child in our friendship heheheh. But it was fascinating to watch her – studying hard, practicing her speeches, being an adult, living in a foreign country – inspiring! My sisters were much older than me so I didn’t really have sister interactions with them. So I watched my friend a lot when I wasn’t distracted by my childishness.

Eventually she moved out, good for her. She found more strength/courage. Also, our house was too full and my mom couldn’t cook hahahah. We managed to keep in touch and I am now a proud godmother to her daughter and I am in love with her elder son.

We didn’t know at the time that we’d stay friends, as we both “survived and experienced” our environments, and lived life in various levels of gullibility. I considered her influential in my life. I chose to be Christian when I was 9, when I attended a Christian school for 2 years. My family were not (and at the time I was studying in a strict and exclusive girls-only Catholic school run by nuns – I lasted one year heheh, then moved to a school that did not have religion in its curriculum). My friend is a devout Christian, so I went to her church with her every Sunday. She was kind to let an awkward child tag along with her :-). I needed that direction she gave me as I was still clueless on my own (I was a very late bloomer, always young-spirited), and not yet making my own life decisions. A lot of blessings that came to my life at the start of my “independence”, where somehow related to my times with her.

Almost 2 decades later, continents apart, we are still the same. I still feel impulsively protective towards her yet I still get reminded that she’s older and wiser than me :-). The times I spent with her I still find her fascinating and inspiring to watch. But this time I love not only her but her WHOLE family - hubby and 2 kids included - grateful for the times they’ve welcomed me and treated me like family. I miss them a lot, especially the kids, thankful for social networking sites for keeping us linked all these years.

Two Angels At Work

I am blessed with a great workplace, surrounded mostly by kind and helpful colleagues. My struggles to find motivation to get out of bed to work were made easier when I reminded myself that at least I love(d) what I do and, that no one was draining me of good vibes. All workplaces has these people, even ours, but thankfully not in my immediate area. Work drain by colleagues are kept minimal. I have a perfect setup, and were it what I was after, a perfect job to keep until retirement.

There are two people at work I will always be most thankful to. I have several close group of friends I have at one point worked with whom made a point of keeping in touch. A handful of them I hang out with outside work. And many more I respect but only have a work relationship with. My two angels are part of the last group.

Angel One takes care of my earthly joys. He drops little gifts on my desk, some very random, others very well meaning. It could be a piece of fruit, a foreign coin, an Easter rabbit chocolate, packets of cup-a-soups, music cd, cake, nibbles, etc. He started around 2004 and I still remember my first gift from him was an orchid from his garden!

Angel One didn't give me stuff all the time. Months have passed when I didn't receive anything. Lately though, the gifts were abundant, maybe to make up for the years I was away. It is his way of reaching out to me. To keep/make a connection as we don't work together. Maybe coz he thinks I need them. I have told him he doesn't need to give me anything, but he seems to like doing it (...the joy of giving, I understand it). He is spoiling me! :-) I love seeing his gifts waiting for me at my desk! I even uncontrollably let out little shrieks of delight and jumps a couple of times, hahahah. I don't take his kindness for granted.

Angel Two takes care of my spiritual health. We used to be part of a Christian group that met weekly at work in 2006/07. It regrouped after I came back, but personal issues disbanded it again.

I don't know how aware of it he is, the marvel of his actions. I don't know if he really understands how much I appreciate him, beyond my words of "thank you". We don't work together. We don't hang out. His gifting is also his way of reaching out to me. Without it, our interactions would have possibly stayed as common courtesies and basic chitchat.

Angel Two has a knack of giving me the right readings, pamphlets and booklets at the right time. Everything he's given me has been spot on - gave me clarity, made me aware, understanding of certain topics, or strength to accept/move forward/trust.

For example, I was/am watching my reactions to "patience". I noticed I have patience towards others, but less to myself. I decided to "chase" my "no plans" plan slowly, followed through with appropriate actions, but reality and my emotions were hard to handle. I wanted to demand a lot from myself - "better, faster, now". I was used to that stress, and thrived in that environment. To suddenly use a different technique, I felt/feel imbalanced or in between gear. Maybe anxiety was/is also trying to make me fall back to normal paths/decisions I knew I was good at. My impatience towards myself and my insecurities (that I am possibly setting myself up to fail) was/is endangering my journey to end up tiresome and unenjoyable.

Then Angel Two came bearing another random gift. A book about patience. I don't discuss my plans to most people at work, only select few. Too personal. Angel Two was not privy to that information. But there he was. Godsent.

Two angels, definitely unaware of the impact their little actions are giving me. In their willingness to reach out to me in friendship, they have given me much more.

Great Friendships Online

Four years ago, finally free to pursue my dream to travel I made a decision to fly eastward, and headed to the right ==> of the world map. This meant my journey started by going to USA. I had 2 friends in the West Coast and family in the East Coast. It was perfect as my girl friend was planning a road trip with her family, and she kindly invited me to join them. She was my second stop (I will write a blog about them later). My first stop was my guy friend.

What NO ONE knew was that I met this guy friend online. I cannot remember now how, hahahah, but we struck a conversation and became really good friends. We got to know each other and kept in touch for at least one year. He was, and still is, the only person I befriended online.

I was so comfortable with him that I decided to include him in my journey. And I was glad I did. He is still a great friend. And we are still mostly online friends, hahahah, but we rang each other out-of-the-blue at times just to keep in touch.

Reminiscing, I smiled while I shook my head in disbelief. What was I thinking!!?? Travelling across the world, by plane, bus then train, to visit a stranger! What was he thinking!??! Inviting me into his home! What were we thinking??!! Either of us could have ended up a headcase! Hahahah!!

I can’t remember how long I stayed with him – 5 days? One week? It was a great trip. He is a top bloke. It was great to get to know him even better in person. He let me in into his life and he showed me the wonder of his part of the world. He is lucky to be living in such a beautiful and peaceful place. His friends were great too, “Popeye, Olive and kids”. They were just as beautiful and kind-hearted people. With kids who melted my heart many times with their sweetness and personalities.

Maybe one day I will get another chance to visit them, or vice versa. I would love that! :-) And maybe then I will get a chance to taste Olive’s famous pumpkin pie!!? It’s been 4 years and I am still wondering…!! :-)

… I think I’m known for letting random friendships happen. I wish more people do it, open up more and see where the experiences takes them. I have many great stories because of it. Our “online” friendship, will always be one of those I will appreciate.

A success story! :-)