Delicate

Two to three weeks later. I think this will be the my last post relating to my last trip. I've written more than enough about it - thoughts and feelings related to the trauma of physical harassment etchetera I dealt with from the men, while I walked alone, in the streets of one of the countries I visited.

The main question I was asked was, "why didn't you scream or hit them?".

My reaction/s (or lack of) were a combination of a lot of things.... I am not the type to hit back, or react in anger. It takes a lot to make me blow up, and no one, NOT EVEN I, would want to see that. And by the time I turned the person who molested me was already several steps away or lost in the crowd. While I had my back turned looking for the molester, it also left my behind unprotected from incoming traffic of possible opportunists. I deemed it a no-win situation.

My statement before I left too was, "despite of...(blah blah), I am determined to show and experience what is good about the country. It cannot be as bad as people say it is....". I was trying to hold on to that positive mentality. To maintain an understanding mind and understanding heart. To not judge the collective by the actions of few/some.

I've travelled to many countries were people warned me of the men. I mostly only experienced lewd/rude comments or sleezy looks, rarely inappropriate touching. I could count in one hand the total number of times I was indecently brushed/touched in all my travels. So I knew it was possible bad things could happen, but I also smugly believed people exaggerated; that they only sensationally repeated what they heard (but not experienced, so it could not possibly be as bad). I had a lot of faith in humanity (still do).

Distressed, I accepted that I could not avoid nor stop the men from taking advantage. No matter how decently I covered myself, nor how much I scowled. I was easy target, temptation. I made a decision to concentrate on preventing them from "getting through", surviving. I forced myself to be thick-skinned and not react to those that "got through", pushed them in the past, as I had to conserve my mental energy in still preventing the next assault. Any invasion of my body was really unnerving. It was very tiring to be on edge the whole day, tensely waiting for the "accidental brush", not knowing whether it was coming in the morning or in the afternoon. It was very tiring not knowing how many times I had to karate-chop hands/arms away from me, each day. One more unwelcomed touch was too much. Added to that several other bad experiences I had, plus the fact that the country itself was very affecting and very confronting. The whole experience was extreme and I was highly challenged every day. The  harassment while I was in North India was so intense, that when it suddenly stopped in South India (and onwards), I could not believe it. So I stayed worried, pained, and intimidated.

I remember I tried to joke about it, tried to use humour to lessen the effect of the whole issue with the men. Reflecting now, I could compare it to how abused victims made excuses for their predators. It was a weak way to survive it. Not nice. I think I was at this stage when I was in Udaipur. Not nice.

Understandably, even in the safety of my home country, it took time for me to get over the trauma. During my first week back I did not realise how strongly it affected me, until I felt myself tense up when I saw three guys that maybe looked Indian and I automatically went into my "fight stance" to slap and/or block off wandering hands while they walked past me and my friend. The guys opened up a big space for me and my lady friend to walk between them - either out of normal chivalry, or because they sensed/saw I went "fierce/lethal". I admitted it to my friend after we walked past and laughed silly about it. But I was also very disturbed by my discriminative behaviour. Not nice at all! I do not want to be that type of person.

Mid-last week, a colleague walked past me. We've always walked past each other before, and he always did the same move where he extended his hand out to let me know he wanted me to walk through first. I always grinned back at him. That time I almost slapped him! I was flabbergasted, shocked at my unconscious reaction! He joked I had to learn to block higher as he was also a good return slapper. Oh dear! :-/

Third week. I think I am better now. No incidents. Although I liked slapping, and will not cross off doing it again if grabbed or touched inappropriately in the future, I do not want to get used to it. I don't like to hit, still, preferring to not react with violence.

Would I go back to India? MOST DEFINITELY! There are still so many wonderful places to explore! I would prefer to not travel alone of course. But if I found myself alone there again, I would be better prepared. As advised by male Indian friends, I would carry a long umbrella to hit them with (too heavy), or a taser gun to block their moves (perfect!) - even at the risk electrocuting myself because their hand/s were already on my body, hahah yuck uuugggghhhhhh. :-/

For now, trying to find the delicate balance of keeping peace, and feeling at peace. Feeling delicate still from the experiences but actively pursuing my "normalcy". Keeping my faith in the good and kindness of humanity. :-)

Guardians

I had a lot of harrowing experiences while I explored two of the three countries I visited – India, Maldives and Sri Lanka. However, in my vulnerability (expressed and not), I also met a lot of people whom through their kind actions - intentional or accidental - made me safe(r). They were my angels or my bodyguards – my guardians.

   

- The friend whom I mentioned in my blog about India. Though he was in that post, I am still very grateful for the kindness, care and time he has given me to make sure I enjoyed his country. I appreciated all the good he’s done.

- Mr Irish in Udaipur, whom mostly stood between me and the groups of men we passed while we walked the streets. He literally circled around me in rugby stance, ready to take down anyone that aimed for me. I still laugh picturing those moments!

- A Goan whom I ran the children's party with. I don't know now what opinion he has of me because of the trouble I had with someone that connected us, pity. But I was very thankful for his kindness and that I felt I could trust him. He made me forget I was in India, which he thought was a weird (and maybe disrespectful) comment, but at the time I was very overwhelmed by all the harassment I had come across that I became afraid of all Indian men around me, except of him. I felt safe with him. It was him that advised me to slap the men, after I mentioned to him an incident, as I wanted his opinion being a local Indian man. Thank you, that was a great advice which I followed - read story here! :-)

- Z, aka “Auntie”, for being understanding, taking care of me, and protecting my property (until I figured out how to get them out). In her care I found myself homeless (not her choice), gastro-sick, overwhelmed, most tired and most vulnerable. It was there were I reached my lowest emotional point. She was so kind.

- Manesh and Rattan, two Nepali waiters at the beach restaurant I took refuge in, who made sure I was left on my own, as I requested, while I reconstructed myself; and agreed/offered to watch over my backpacks in the restaurant, until it was time for me to catch my next train journey later in the night.

- Uncle Harry, who quickly went into action to help me with my luggage when I explained my situation and I was trying to figure out how far Margao was (initially I planned to pick up my bags and leave them in the train station’s cloakroom).

- Auntie Anjeli, who pretty much adopted me and opened her home to me.

- Auntie Sandra, who with Aunt Anjeli (girl-power) went along with me to make sure I was safe when I picked up my bag from Auntie Z’s place. They did not want me to go alone in case of more trouble.

- Uncle Philip, for being on standby with Uncle Harry, in case we needed man-power. They organised all transports, and words of wisdom.

* The Uncles and Aunties did so much more than what I wrote above. I am still in touch with them. I was so glad I met the Uncles before I found myself homeless, as it was them that recommended the restaurant to me and it was there I met them again. Because of them and the staff in the restaurant, I had a wonderful/protected end of day (and watched a great sunset).

- Two ladies (Japanese and French) I spent time in Alleppey with. Just having them for company, instead of being alone, recharged me. I needed some female bonding and they were great company!

- The Catholic businessman from Goa/Mumbai, who was on my train to Varkala. He was so nice to me but I embarrassingly thought he had some negative motives. I was even rude to him, not willing to converse nor pay attention to him. I bitchily asked him why he was helping me, waiting to here another “demand” (click here to read story of bad experience with a businessman from Mumbai) ). He said he didn’t know, he just wanted to. I asked if I looked helpless, he said no, but he felt compelled to make sure I was okay. I stayed guarded the whole time. He got me fresh blankets and pillows, kept offering me food and drinks, assured me he will wake me up when close to my stop, and made sure I did not miss my stop. I did not sleep but I would definitely have missed the stop coz we arrived 30mins earlier than I expected. He made sure I did not leave anything behind and carried my backpack outside, coz he was worried that I wont be able to get out in time (trains only stopped for 1 minute). He left his things unattended inside the train to take care of mine. Still I did not trust him and acted unpleasant!... The shame I felt while I stood on the platform in Varkala as the train left with him waving goodbye to me… ugh!

- Two Germans, male and female, in Varkala. They welcomed me into their group/s, shared life stories, food, drinks, wisdom, and thoughts. I left them with LOTS to think about. Plus memories of really good iced coffee, swimming far out at sea in strong yet calm current, and lots of kameez shalwar (punjabi suits) that was tailored and ready to wear the same day. Good company!  :-)

- Two Italian girls in Maldives. They just left Sri Lanka and recommended their driver to me. ALL my bookings were cancelled, including the car with driver. It comforted me that, albeit new friends, they knew who I was going to be with while I travelled solo. I was still worried/traumatised about the men, so the fact that they trusted the driver mattered. I also felt as long as I had a car, I was safe with or without accommodation, until I worked my dilemma out (which my driver mostly took care of, bonus!).

- My driver in Sri Lanka. It was like I had my own Kevin Costner (without the Costner looks though eheheh eck!). I had an ex-commando for a bodyguard. If only I could sing like Whitney, hahahah…. He charged me a lot for the car and his service, as he knew I was stuck/helpless, which was understandable – it was business and we just met. I bargained but I was ready to pay double for my safety. I wasn’t exactly genuine to him either, coz I lied to him to keep myself safe (e.g. had a boyfriend, and pretended the Italian girls were close family friends). But as we got to know each other (a lot of hours and days spent in the car, just the two of us), he became uncle-brother-friend. My first night sleep in Sri Lanka was spent in his car (yes, I slept in the car, ugh!). His actions that night guaranteed to me I would be okay with him. He could have slept comfortably in the lounge of his friend’s hotel (fully booked). But to keep me safe (sleeping inside the car parked outside), and to not let anyone know I was a woman until morning, he guarded me in the car while I was fully covered under the blanket. It was the most uncomfortable sleep, (for both of us, first time for him to sleep in his car too!), but the best five-star security! :-)

- Two or three Sri Lankans, one from home and the rest his friends I never met, whom were my emergency contacts in case I got into trouble in their country. I contacted the two local friends and they kept in touch. I knew they really cared, and it was nice to know they were there.

- My almost-70-years-old snorkel guide in Polhena. My driver entrusted me to him, when our contract had ended and I decided to use public transport to travel along the coast all the way to the airport. When "beach boys" bothered me too much, I just mentioned "Uncle T's" name (as he instructed), and the beach boys backed off! I was happily surprised! My driver also organised for Uncle T to take me to the bus stop (in front of the main road), but he wanted to make sure I would get a seat so he took me instead to the main bus stop in Matara. Extra care, so kind! I still smile thinking about the way he swam when he snorkelled - dog-paddled when we were moving slowly along the strong current. So cute! :-)

- Three French guys in Unawatuna. One kindly watched over my things while I swam, and welcomed me into his group. Another stood next to a tourist who was chatting me up during NYE celebration, to stop the guy from bothering me (I loved the way he did it, the fact he noticed I needed it, and I appreciated that he did it!). The third became my trusted friend whom I spent the most time with. He was a much better Costner ;-). Good times! :-)

- Overseas, a friend constantly kept in touch, aware of how much I had to deal with during this journey. It helped that with him I did not have to wear my suit of "being incredible", admitted my stresses, allowed my voice to choke and feel deflated. His calls, help, encouragement and prayers were a source of strength while I was at my lowest, until I was on the plane heading home.

- I feel I should also mention friends (and family) whom showed soooh much relief on their faces when they saw I was back safely…?! I was surprised when I found out friends from various religions/spirituality were very worried about me dealing with the Indian men while I travelled alone, and prayed daily for me. It was very touching and I was/am appreciative of their well wishes and prayers.

My guardians above may never know, or were most likely not aware, how much their actions and kindness were appreciated by me. Thank you.

Top Tens – Summer List 2012

Ten Things I Love

1. Barely moving (recuperating, home safe home)

2. Not feeling tensed or on edge, not needing to mentally prepare myself to deal with men/’beach boys”

3. Seeing my family soon, I hope

4. Not dealing with mosquitoes at night, ack

5. The night skyline and star-effects on the ceiling of the last plane I flew home in, to put the passengers to sleep, ingenious!

6. My sister stocking up 6-12 months’ worth of (junk)food and supplies in my apartment(!), which will take me longer to finish up. I don’t know what to do with them!! I’ll have to take some to work.

7. Coming home to find gifts waiting for me to open up – for my birthday and the holidays. Love receiving and opening gifts!! :-)

8. Getting sick after my tour, instead of while on holiday.

9. Little luxuries such as new old clothes to wear (variety); better shampoo/conditioner/body wash; or thick, soft, absorbent and gigantic cotton towels after showering.

10. Almost forgot! Saw the lunar eclipse in Goa while walking along the beach of Benaulim. I couldn't work out what was going on but I thought it was soooh interesting! The group I was walking with did not want to stop so I stumbled along and could not concentrate on staring at the moon, but I was glad I saw it! :-)

Ten Things I Don’t/Didn’t Like

1. I’m sick!! Coughing, woozy and run down – I was falling asleep anywhere… anywhere!! I felt it the morning I woke up to travel home. Made me count the 18 hours it took to get from one bed (overseas) to another (home). I must have had too much excitement on the last day/night :-).

2. Not being next to water/nature

3. Not feeling the sand on my feet

4. No more surprising sunrises and sunsets to watch while on holiday mode. Sri Lanka had some really awesome ones!!!

5. No one to take care of me while I’m sick… :-(… I have the female version of “manflu”…. *sook* 

Given lemons, garlic & mangoes the next day!

6. Not having any lemon in the house, ugh. It took me 7 hours after arriving home before I managed to boil some water in the electric kettle, to brew myself my remedy for cold and cough – tea with lemon and honey (sometimes with garlic/ginger). But this time only honey and tea. Better than nothing lol.

7. Unpacking and doing laundry :-/… my sooky mood ain’t helping, will have to do them another day, lol ugh.

8. Too lazy to cook, too sick to eat out, too primadonna to order delivery (don’t fancy eating food from a box/container). I’m gonna starve tonight, lol ugh.

9. Too many emails to go through.... Ugh! Can't avoid them forever....

10. Sensitive, easily marked skin - Ugh! I've learned to accept and lived with my skin from childhood, really. But in the comfort of home and a good mirror, I saw the extent of my "travel shrapnels" or cuts/bruises/bites/scrapes/markings/stings.... aaacckk :-( .... So, I wondered, how many months would these batch take to disappear (my worst ones to date...)? How many would leave permanent marks to add to my "collections"? Ughh!... I reminded myself I have accepted/expected these consequences, so I should/could not complain. Those skin issues are just external factors, exposed to wear and tear, hahahah. I'm thankful for my healthy body, spirit and mind that allowed me to complete these journeys. Plus, what's important is the heart, and its application to daily life.

Ten Things I Missed (or Will Miss)

1. Seafood – I had lots of it, yum yum!

2. My eau de parfum – I don’t carry them when I travel coz I don’t think they’re important and I try to minimise the weight. But with the change of diet eating local cuisine, and the general smell of the places I visited, I really wondered how (badly) I naturally smelt(!!??), sorry, lol ugh. Currently enjoying the smell of ♥ Idole d'Armani ♥, hhhhmmmmm....

3. Hot milk with a lil honey - to have tonight before sleep, yum :-)

4. Lazing next to the beach until after sunset – I haven’t tire of it yet ;-)

5. Hearing the waves crash next to my bedroom - priceless

6. Hot breakfast always prepared and served to me, with fresh fruits and ceylon tea

7. Feeling the heat from the sand after the waves went over it

8. Chicken soup – my manflu makes me wish I’m being spoonfed, eheheh

9. Cuddling up in bed watching a movie (after being spoonfed, hahahah) until I fall asleep

10. My kitty cat, she was the best cuddler and nuzzler

Ten Things Worth Mentioning

1. See you when you smell me! – was my parting goodbye to colleagues and friends. It related to jokes and concerns I had about having to deal with some… aromatherapy. Happy to say I smelt hints of body odour only a couple of times. But none were strong enough to make me gag. No one’s complained yet, but I have no way of finding out (until I go to work or meet up) if I have gained a certain scent, lol ugh. I did not shy away from all the condiments, onions and spices used…! So maybe you will smell me first, before you see me, hahahah!!??!

2. Sri Lankans have beautiful eyes – pay attention to the colours.

3. I ♥ Maldives, the way I experienced it, away from the five star resorts. Try to stay in locally inhabited islands when you visit Maldives. Then you can really say you’ve been and got to know the Maldivians. The people are relaxed and lovely. And, if you are lucky you could even end up with your own “private” beach.

4. The tsunami really affected the coastline and the reefs of Sri Lanka. But I still saw more marine life there compared to Maldives. I swam with a school of fishes that had bodies bigger than my torso on my last day in Sri Lanka. I was quite scared when while snorkelling I ended up floating along in strong current in the middle of all of them!! I was sure there were more than a hundred of fishes surrounding me then!!  :-)))

5. In Sri Lanka most of the men I dealt with (shop sellers, tuktuk driver, hotel staff, etc) were very polite and friendly. The only type of men that were annoying, fresh or ill-mannered was the loitering “beach boys”. Because of this when alone (especially at night) I walked more along the main road parallel to the beach. I received the best greetings and conversations from all locals while there. Of course at the start they will try to sell you something (a lot of times not even, they left it up to me to ask first), but I was never pushed. As soon as business was out of the way, when the greetings started, wow, what lovely smiles and radiating charms!

6. I'm back home tired. But my tiredness came from (being sick of course, but mainly from) dealing with the inappropriateness of men. All the moving and buzz of activities I could still keep doing. I was still physical strong (my manflu aside, but if I was still touring I would have been recovering at the beach, n♥ice!). But this trip really took a lot out of me mentally. There were so many ups and downs, and I was sapped of energy trying to maintain positive or open to better experiences. I really only relaxed when in good/safe company, times used to recharge and refill my love tank. The rollercoaster ride of emotions though was too/so much.

7. I realised I was giving the impression the men in all 3 countries were bad. I apologise. Not true. The worse was India definitely. But there were still a few good men and the South Indian men were definitely better than the Northern men.... Maldives I had no bad experiences.... Uncomfortable/Bad experiences in Sri Lanka was only about 10% of what I had to deal with in India, and limited to "beach boys", plus one.

8. I flashpacked in Sri Lanka. Wary of my experiences in India, and all my bookings cancelled by my ex-travel partner, I accepted/decided that it was best for me to spend more money and keep myself safe. It was the worse time to "wing it" being fully booked for Christmas and New Year. Money I could always earn back. Safety and peace of mind I could not lose. I trusted God and He's provided each time I fretted in my prayers, really :-).... I had a wonderful time, a great driver who really acted as my personal bodyguard, pristine car to travel in, great meals, and fantastic rooms! Sri Lanka is a country that could be toured cheaply but slowly (USD$2-20 public transport fares and USD$10-15 rooms daily). Or spend more to do it in style (with a personal driver and car hire costing USD$40-72 daily and USD$30-50 rooms per night, breakfast included), where one could tour around faster and easily in their own time. I did the higher/est-end budget range. It was not what I planned to spend and had cost more because it was emergency (all my accommodation bookings cancelled) or not negotiated earlier so they charged me expensive rates. If shared by 2 people, worth doing. I'd go back and travel the same way again. :-)

9. A fellow traveller gave me an awesome insight in how I can know if I am making the right decision. I believe it is true.... If after I made a decision, my breathing is still open, it means I made the right decision. If my breathing becomes restricted or blocked, it means I made the wrong decision.

10. Two people (an Indian local and a tourist, different times and location) similarly discussed with me the fact that I am constantly moving. They basically asked why am I running? Why do I feel I have to "do"? Again, some great insights for me to reflect on. I also realised when I had "too much energy" I always made a point of doing something because I got too uncomfortable or fidgety. I couldn't handle the fact that my senses were highly buzzed. They gave me an idea to try to just experience the moment, without reacting to "do" something about it. To see how I will be during and at the end of it. Interesting. I'm still waiting for that time to come. I am not drinking coffee to induce it, hahahah!

Ten Goals for 2012 (I’m sure more will be added/edited later)

1. Learn to ride a scooter. Get my licence.

2. Get qualification to teach English as a Second Language.

3. Be more comfortable praying out loud, or in a group.

4. See the solar eclipse, 13-14 November 2012, around Port Douglas.

5. Improve financially. Time to "nest egg", maybe? ;-)....

6. Really work on learning the 3 languages I said I will be fluent in after 5 years.

7. Have even lesser material things.

8. Be healthier.

9. Find product/s to prevent bites and cuts from getting worse and lingering on my skin, that I won’ be sensitive to, ugh.

10. Relearn to drive, or actually, to park.

Slapped!

Aside from the New Years Eve incident/s, there was only one other time (in this journey) where I felt like slapping another person. I didn’t because though I thought of it, I never wanted to react in violence, plus I was really more confused about the accusations and whatever was going on in the person’s head, and out of respect to the person’s elder relative where I was staying at the time. I was glad I did not react and was more concerned about understanding the person. Unfortunately though, even now, I still don’t understand, ugh. But I am happy to leave it at that, no matter the losses and headaches I incurred. End of story.

I mentioned in “India Me, India Me Not” about a waiter who asked to go inside the toilet with me. I discussed this to the Catholic Goan (who toured me around and made me so comfortable I forgot I was in India, with my defences gone). He said I should have slapped the guy. It didn’t even occur to me - in my shock hearing the indecent suggestion and in my reflex of non-violence. In the past I walked away from sleezy men, or gave them dirty looks, or tell them off. Or they never occurred coz my male friends protected me (back home).

Also (different issue but same inappropriateness) when men were touching me while they quickly walked past, by the time I turned, they were already at least 5 steps away from me. There was really no chance to tell them off unless I screamed at them or ran after them. Which I wanted to do, but also took so much energy, when I really wanted to cry (so I used that energy instead to stop myself from crying in the streets). But I needed to stay strong, coz reacting to those specific instances did not stop the other men. I had never been so felt up in my life before!! So I thought I had to concentrate on the future and focus on preventing, as much as possible, other hands from touching/grabbing me. :-(((((

... New Year’s Eve celebration came. I was in a club partying with new friends. I left them to go to the toilet (where I was gossiping with random girls, lol). On the way back someone grabbed my ass!!! My initial reaction was again shock and non-violence (but was going to tell him/them off). But also quickly I remembered the advice, then BANG!! I felt my hand uncomfortably slapped the guy’s face. Immediately I felt satisfied. I knew I made the right decision and action.

I also felt more anger, maybe triggered by my violent move, hahahah ugh. I politely but strongly approached a security guard and told him about the incident. I showed him where the guy was and WHILE THE GUARD was speaking to the culprit and I was standing next to him, ANOTHER HAND FELT MY ARSE!!

My hand flew again, more comfortable with the action. BANG!! This time with more force. I had practice. The security guard was distracted from dealing with the first guy (lucky him, hmmph!) as I grabbed him (his arm of course) while my other hand was gripping the other feeler. I was very angry by this time, so while the guard was telling him off, I was also mouthing at him. C’mon! Two “feels” in the space of 1-2 minutes!!!???!!!! A lot of my frustrations from other incidents in India and a few more in Sri Lanka welled up. I think I wanted revenge by around this time (eheheheh, ugh). I loved so much the satisfaction of getting immediate result that I went for a final hurrah. BANG!! I slapped guy number two again. That last slap meant for all the guys I wished I did it to (specifically for this journey). I think I also pushed/poked his face/neck on each side while telling him off. I was very physical in comparison to how I really would prefer to be in general (peaceful). I thanked the guard for reacting quickly and walked away.

Released from the worry of how a male friend would react (since I dealt with it already), out of shock, and feeling incredulous that it was still happening while in company of other guys, I told my male friend about the incident.

The security guard followed me when he saw I was talking to my male friend. Maybe he was worried that my friend would react. But he saw we were calm. Then he told my friend something like, “this girl is good… good power”. Hahahah! Love it :-).

…. People and friends, please be careful when you are trying to get my attention by touching me. Make sure your hand is well away from my private parts. Or be ready to duck. I may have acquired a new awesome skill of slapping instinctively to protect myself. You’ve been warned, hahahahah. New year, new me ;-).