Two to three weeks later. I think this will be the my last post relating to my last trip. I've written more than enough about it - thoughts and feelings related to the trauma of physical harassment etchetera I dealt with from the men, while I walked alone, in the streets of one of the countries I visited.
The main question I was asked was, "why didn't you scream or hit them?".
My reaction/s (or lack of) were a combination of a lot of things.... I am not the type to hit back, or react in anger. It takes a lot to make me blow up, and no one, NOT EVEN I, would want to see that. And by the time I turned the person who molested me was already several steps away or lost in the crowd. While I had my back turned looking for the molester, it also left my behind unprotected from incoming traffic of possible opportunists. I deemed it a no-win situation.
My statement before I left too was, "despite of...(blah blah), I am determined to show and experience what is good about the country. It cannot be as bad as people say it is....". I was trying to hold on to that positive mentality. To maintain an understanding mind and understanding heart. To not judge the collective by the actions of few/some.
I've travelled to many countries were people warned me of the men. I mostly only experienced lewd/rude comments or sleezy looks, rarely inappropriate touching. I could count in one hand the total number of times I was indecently brushed/touched in all my travels. So I knew it was possible bad things could happen, but I also smugly believed people exaggerated; that they only sensationally repeated what they heard (but not experienced, so it could not possibly be as bad). I had a lot of faith in humanity (still do).
Distressed, I accepted that I could not avoid nor stop the men from taking advantage. No matter how decently I covered myself, nor how much I scowled. I was easy target, temptation. I made a decision to concentrate on preventing them from "getting through", surviving. I forced myself to be thick-skinned and not react to those that "got through", pushed them in the past, as I had to conserve my mental energy in still preventing the next assault. Any invasion of my body was really unnerving. It was very tiring to be on edge the whole day, tensely waiting for the "accidental brush", not knowing whether it was coming in the morning or in the afternoon. It was very tiring not knowing how many times I had to karate-chop hands/arms away from me, each day. One more unwelcomed touch was too much. Added to that several other bad experiences I had, plus the fact that the country itself was very affecting and very confronting. The whole experience was extreme and I was highly challenged every day. The harassment while I was in North India was so intense, that when it suddenly stopped in South India (and onwards), I could not believe it. So I stayed worried, pained, and intimidated.
I remember I tried to joke about it, tried to use humour to lessen the effect of the whole issue with the men. Reflecting now, I could compare it to how abused victims made excuses for their predators. It was a weak way to survive it. Not nice. I think I was at this stage when I was in Udaipur. Not nice.
Understandably, even in the safety of my home country, it took time for me to get over the trauma. During my first week back I did not realise how strongly it affected me, until I felt myself tense up when I saw three guys that maybe looked Indian and I automatically went into my "fight stance" to slap and/or block off wandering hands while they walked past me and my friend. The guys opened up a big space for me and my lady friend to walk between them - either out of normal chivalry, or because they sensed/saw I went "fierce/lethal". I admitted it to my friend after we walked past and laughed silly about it. But I was also very disturbed by my discriminative behaviour. Not nice at all! I do not want to be that type of person.
Mid-last week, a colleague walked past me. We've always walked past each other before, and he always did the same move where he extended his hand out to let me know he wanted me to walk through first. I always grinned back at him. That time I almost slapped him! I was flabbergasted, shocked at my unconscious reaction! He joked I had to learn to block higher as he was also a good return slapper. Oh dear! :-/
Third week. I think I am better now. No incidents. Although I liked slapping, and will not cross off doing it again if grabbed or touched inappropriately in the future, I do not want to get used to it. I don't like to hit, still, preferring to not react with violence.
Would I go back to India? MOST DEFINITELY! There are still so many wonderful places to explore! I would prefer to not travel alone of course. But if I found myself alone there again, I would be better prepared. As advised by male Indian friends, I would carry a long umbrella to hit them with (too heavy), or a taser gun to block their moves (perfect!) - even at the risk electrocuting myself because their hand/s were already on my body, hahah yuck uuugggghhhhhh. :-/
For now, trying to find the delicate balance of keeping peace, and feeling at peace. Feeling delicate still from the experiences but actively pursuing my "normalcy". Keeping my faith in the good and kindness of humanity. :-)
The main question I was asked was, "why didn't you scream or hit them?".
My reaction/s (or lack of) were a combination of a lot of things.... I am not the type to hit back, or react in anger. It takes a lot to make me blow up, and no one, NOT EVEN I, would want to see that. And by the time I turned the person who molested me was already several steps away or lost in the crowd. While I had my back turned looking for the molester, it also left my behind unprotected from incoming traffic of possible opportunists. I deemed it a no-win situation.
My statement before I left too was, "despite of...(blah blah), I am determined to show and experience what is good about the country. It cannot be as bad as people say it is....". I was trying to hold on to that positive mentality. To maintain an understanding mind and understanding heart. To not judge the collective by the actions of few/some.
I've travelled to many countries were people warned me of the men. I mostly only experienced lewd/rude comments or sleezy looks, rarely inappropriate touching. I could count in one hand the total number of times I was indecently brushed/touched in all my travels. So I knew it was possible bad things could happen, but I also smugly believed people exaggerated; that they only sensationally repeated what they heard (but not experienced, so it could not possibly be as bad). I had a lot of faith in humanity (still do).
Distressed, I accepted that I could not avoid nor stop the men from taking advantage. No matter how decently I covered myself, nor how much I scowled. I was easy target, temptation. I made a decision to concentrate on preventing them from "getting through", surviving. I forced myself to be thick-skinned and not react to those that "got through", pushed them in the past, as I had to conserve my mental energy in still preventing the next assault. Any invasion of my body was really unnerving. It was very tiring to be on edge the whole day, tensely waiting for the "accidental brush", not knowing whether it was coming in the morning or in the afternoon. It was very tiring not knowing how many times I had to karate-chop hands/arms away from me, each day. One more unwelcomed touch was too much. Added to that several other bad experiences I had, plus the fact that the country itself was very affecting and very confronting. The whole experience was extreme and I was highly challenged every day. The harassment while I was in North India was so intense, that when it suddenly stopped in South India (and onwards), I could not believe it. So I stayed worried, pained, and intimidated.
I remember I tried to joke about it, tried to use humour to lessen the effect of the whole issue with the men. Reflecting now, I could compare it to how abused victims made excuses for their predators. It was a weak way to survive it. Not nice. I think I was at this stage when I was in Udaipur. Not nice.
Understandably, even in the safety of my home country, it took time for me to get over the trauma. During my first week back I did not realise how strongly it affected me, until I felt myself tense up when I saw three guys that maybe looked Indian and I automatically went into my "fight stance" to slap and/or block off wandering hands while they walked past me and my friend. The guys opened up a big space for me and my lady friend to walk between them - either out of normal chivalry, or because they sensed/saw I went "fierce/lethal". I admitted it to my friend after we walked past and laughed silly about it. But I was also very disturbed by my discriminative behaviour. Not nice at all! I do not want to be that type of person.
Mid-last week, a colleague walked past me. We've always walked past each other before, and he always did the same move where he extended his hand out to let me know he wanted me to walk through first. I always grinned back at him. That time I almost slapped him! I was flabbergasted, shocked at my unconscious reaction! He joked I had to learn to block higher as he was also a good return slapper. Oh dear! :-/
Third week. I think I am better now. No incidents. Although I liked slapping, and will not cross off doing it again if grabbed or touched inappropriately in the future, I do not want to get used to it. I don't like to hit, still, preferring to not react with violence.
Would I go back to India? MOST DEFINITELY! There are still so many wonderful places to explore! I would prefer to not travel alone of course. But if I found myself alone there again, I would be better prepared. As advised by male Indian friends, I would carry a long umbrella to hit them with (too heavy), or a taser gun to block their moves (perfect!) - even at the risk electrocuting myself because their hand/s were already on my body, hahah yuck uuugggghhhhhh. :-/
For now, trying to find the delicate balance of keeping peace, and feeling at peace. Feeling delicate still from the experiences but actively pursuing my "normalcy". Keeping my faith in the good and kindness of humanity. :-)
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