In Three Words.... (Part Two)

As highlighted in part one of this post, I was cyclical in my emotions, maybe even on the brink of depression(!?!).

I honestly relayed how I felt to friends and family whom expected me to leave and to those whom asked how I was (if I was okay), confused though as I sounded.

It was (not) funny how NO ONE wanted me to leave. I was the ONLY ONE that felt sad I did not go. It made me feel ALONE. It made me question whether it was me that willed my own journeys, not God.... I do that, in efforts to always look at every angle of my decisions and plans.

My mental state was spiralling into unhealthy, despite understanding and still remembering the outcomes and my reshaping, as a result of struggles and journeys. I was thankfully assured by the fact that my pastor and mentor dissected my ideas, thoughts and processes; to ensure that I reacted and discerned appropriately, scripturally and responsibly. They became my reminder that I was not alone, they went through my rollercoaster experiences with me, and they wrung me just as much to make sure my motivations, actions and decisions were coming from the "right" place. God bless them.

Physically, it did not help that I did not know what to do anymore, literally!! I had no plans after my birthday celebration. I was meant to be overseas already. So suddenly I had nothing but routine and small stuff to do, no one to do nothing with, and I started feeling like I was... *looking for the right word to describe it*... sinking(?)... into purposelessness.

An opportunity to go away to a farm with my mother came, and I took it. I was escaping the funk in my head. I thought I was running away, to sleep off my evils, to de-clutter, read books, take refuge, cry, or to be introspective some more in my communication with God and myself.... God had other plans. He works in mysteriously wonderful ways. I knew that already. :-)

Even before I left for the farm, God was sending me reminders that I will explain in three words below. But I was stuck in my cloud of feeling "lack", as explained above. So as always, He dealt with me best, the way He knew I'd understand, knowing fully how I'd react. The little intricacies of tapping into my narcissistic needs. The catch was, so I'd understand Him, I also had to be willing to listen, and that I do now.

I learnt about the lifestyle and business of Australian agriculture (wheat and cattle). I had a glimpse of what locals and farmers do, similar to the way I dove with curiosity into new places and explored the countries I visited. This time in the comfort of my own home country and still able to progress rehabilitation of my injury. I confirmed the fragility of my ankle in travels which strengthened my acceptance of it being the only reason to withdraw training. A weak excuse I thought (because I am/used to be physically unstoppable, a doer, a go-getter), but I don't think so anymore. In that busyness I also did everything I thought I was going to do - ran away, slept off my evils, de-cluttered, read books, took refuge, cried (as explained below), and communicated to God. The effect however was refreshment, instead of gloom/depression. :-)

[Note to self: I always feel closest to Him when I step away from the city or my regular life. I don't need to be alone, just away. I also don't need to be overseas *smiling/smirking*, just away. I guess similar to when Jesus goes into the mountains alone, and pray in private.]

On my last whole day to spend at the rural region, in church, the preacher gave me a God-sent message. The topic name was my continuous question, written boldly on the powerpoint presentation!! I KNEW I HAD TO TAKE NOTE. God listens. God knows. God answers. I held back tears (to not freak out the preacher and the old people in the congregation!) as I listened, and understood. Thank you God. :-))

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In three words:

JOYFUL
- Despite seesawing between feelings of happiness, broken-heartedness and lost, I did not lose the joy of the assurance I feel. Within all the unknowns my self and whatever else are throwing in my path, I am calmed by the fact that I know my faith in God.
- I had strengthening lessons in faith that kept me joyful regardless of circumstances. I divide them, in order, into three (3) understanding, based on my experiences, not on what I felt, but on what I know:

• First, was my confirmed faith in believing that God exist.
• Second, was my faith in God's word (the Bible, and believing in Jesus and the Holy Spirit).
• Third, was my faith in action (which included having the courage to trust, and to obey, after the first two points were confirmed).

COMFORTED
- Sometimes plans were very clear, others times they took time to find clarity. I naturally wanted something unmistakable to let me know I was/am on the right path. Affirmation of what, where and with whom I should go in my life, in the standard I like to receive these news (despite daily trying to ensure that my own will be prioritised secondary to God's plan).... My comforts came not from getting things my way, but in trusting God knows what is best for me and He will communicate all to me, in His time, when all is ready/aligned, in the form/way I will (eventually) comprehend.
- Comforted, in spite of all my varying levels of comprehension, and when God gives me an answer where I could not help but react with disbelief (e.g. Is that really your intended plan, despite all I am going through and/or doing? Is this it!?). Maybe because I expected bigger plans or clearer signs or nothing(?!?).... I am reminded instead of the realisation of what God is doing now in my life. Grasping and appreciating what God has done now, the little miracles, the mustard seeds.
- I'm reminded that Jesus worked at individual and intimate level. Not global scale. He made the blind see, the lame walk, the leper healed, and the dead alive again. God is doing all those to me, and more.

PEACEFUL
- Despite seesawing between feelings of happiness, broken-heartedness and lost, I will not forget the immense peace I felt (and still lingeringly feel) when I trusted and acted in obedience to God. I am still new at this and learning much with guidance from my trusted people, but I think this level of peacefulness is a good gauge of whether I am walking the right direction, be it forward, or backward, or still.
- I have all I need.
- My mind is now quiet... and tidy.... I left all my questions of whether I made the right decision/s behind at the farm. :-)



Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

In Three Words.... (Part One)

I allowed myself much introspection before coming close to this blog, as I thought maybe I was confused. I needed time to listen quietly and pay closer attention to what was going on inside me. I was puzzled to be feeling so strongly opposing emotions, all at the same time, that I struggled to hold them:

HAPPY
- Alike my baptism, I celebrated my birthday for the first time mixing my old and new friends, church friends, school friends, and work friends. I was grateful to see them all in one place. The second time it has occurred in my lifetime.... Despite my online presence and willingness to open up (like now), I am actually very private in my extrovertedness; or willing myself to be more social in my introvertedness. Hahahah, I still don't know which, both are expressed in my personality. It explains why there are no photos of myself here in this blog. My social network profile also has all kinds of privacy settings, including not being shown the link to these posts! So if you saw a link to this post from me, it means you haven't been "cordoned off", ack! ;-)
- Despite being extroverted, gregarious and friendly in events for others, I'm known to hide away from being "the centre of attention" - event for myself!!! My uncontrollable anxiety is/was(?) so strong I may not attend my own wedding if I organised it!!?! I would cope better in a surprise wedding scenario, or with a wedding coordinator in charge of the preparation, the sooner with less fuss the better!!.... It is one of the reasons why it became a habit to travel in December before my birthday. This year I managed to stay put, and even had a cake at work for the first time, courtesy of a sweet colleague! I (me, moi, myself!) also - with little hyperventilating and social freakout - organised a "not my birthday" gathering. The previous one was in 2006 (and a 5-ladies dancing night-out in 2008). It was seven (7!!) years ago!!
- Because I knew how I used to react, I was very happy that I am "getting better". But I reckon the next party won't be until I turn 40 years old or after seven (7) years again, hahahah. Unless I get surprised... hint!?! ;-)
- It was the best birthday celebration, because I managed to make it as close to "just like most days". I felt no expectation from me to act a certain way (a celebrant, though at the party I tried to make sure everyone was okay); a lot of people did not know it was my birthday as people went because they were invited for a mixed group gathering at a theme restaurant bar, so they did not feel expected to act a certain way we do when the event is a party for someone; no one felt obliged to give a gift (I hope?!?!); and it was enjoyed at a fun relaxed place! :-)
- Spent quieter times with friends that could not make it to the party, or were more introverted. Our "just like most days" celebration/catchups lasted from Friday morning to Tuesday night. It clearly showed me how much people respected and valued each time and each hour spent with me, and vice versa.
- I have an oddity of needing to see the entry/exit door, related to the safety tip my brother told me, to react to unforeseen situations, for example if a person with a gun came in(!).... I had a birthday lunch with a colleague and his son. I sat first. Almost at the end of the meal I was shocked to notice I had my back to the door! My friend referred to earlier when he tried to give me his son's seat because he knew my quirk. He is the same. I used to run for our preferred seat and laughed sitting when he had to put his back to the door, or we'd choose one with a mirror so the other could view the door from it. The fact that I did not care, it was a nice birthday non-gift, because it meant I felt very safe in his and his son's company. I am happy when I feel protected. :-)
- My work leave was approved until next year. My ankle injury and lack of a longer holiday break was adding strain on me.
- The skin (and immune system) issues I've been dealing with since I came back (in Jan 2013) from SE Asia, may have finally been diagnosed and treated, yay! As long as it stopped, I can live with the scars/pigmentation/bad skin.
- I have less or no pressures to deal with. I have more time for myself. All my major commitments emotionally, spiritually, medically and financially tackled and/or progressed and/or decided on.
- The valuable trust, obedience and faith lesson I mentioned below.... The immense peace I felt in understanding some of the "Christian cliches power words" that I used to only verbalise and praise-sing. They have deep existential meaning now.
- I believe God knew I was going to make my decision. But I did not know I was going to make my decision. So for me to know, I had to walk through those challenges, confrontations and experiences. The lesson was in the journey, not the destination. I am happy and grateful for God's continuous attention and reshaping.
- I mentioned to my mother my serious strong desire to move to my own place, as I crave my own creative space and privacy. When mom first found out how simply I lived, she did not agree with my choice, not understanding why metaphorically (and almost literally!) I "chose to sleep on the floor when I could sleep on a queen bed". I also did not accept her offer that I take over her apartment rent-free, but bills were payable.... Two years later, she saw, at least, the financial benefits/results of my decision. Now, despite my strong preference to "move back onto a bed" and settle down (aka spend more to make a private home, etc), mom encouraged me to continue my much simpler lifestyle choice. It's given me a happy boost to know she finally understood, and that encouragement might be enough for now to hold off any residential change....
- I bought my first orchid plant here in Australia, as a birthday gift.
- Learning to play guitar with my "wrong" hand ;-).
- I can be part of the team competing in an Asia-Pacific games early next year, woohoo!
- I may still be able to join another "summer" activity I pushed away for a while now, depending on how much it requires my ankle to be strong/stable. There'll be a lot of rowing!
- I have a great blessed life. A perfect single life. No need to write more about this, because I've expressed it enough in other posts. :-))

But I felt....

LOST
- I hinted my willingness to give up my perfect life. I fully made that choice, my bosses, family, and important relationships knew I made the decision. I learned a valuable trust, obedience and faith lesson. Many untold events later, we (my mentor, pastor and I) decided that I should not go as I re-injured my ankle.... When the prompting was so strong that I zero-ed in for more than a year my life to it, then for my affirmation to change and I could not get the same clarity for the future options presented.... IT WAS VERY VERY HARD - to discern and decide God's will. I could not manage it alone. Some spiritual decisions defied logic, practicalities and sensibilities. I also recognised the possibility of disguising my own will as God's.... Thankfully my mentor and mission pastor walked me through all the experiences. On my own, I would have gone anyway though I agreed it was unwise, because I was too emotional and self-focused. I took a week before I accepted our decision, with more affirmation from God. My peace in the wisdom of various faith-led decisions battled with my need to be self-absorbed and to self-promote and to self-achieve. I needed tangible results. All I had to show was my lame ankle, no overseas travel, no relationship, and not doing the discipleship training.
- I procrastinated informing the school my decision to withdraw my application for a week, in case God would give me an affirming message I preferred. I continuously received confirmation to not go (in the form of discomfort from heat, inflammation and rehabilitation issues).
- I was lost because I did not want to listen. I was lost because when I listened, I did not want to understand. I was lost because when I understood, I did not want to accept.

HEART-BROKEN
- Because of above I felt I "passed" spiritually, but I "failed" in my worldly measurements, or ideals.
- It took me another day or two after I accepted my decision, before I had the courage to inform the school and my references. The decision was then final.
- Despite the clarity, I felt gutted and/or deflated.
- Despite holding on to (or chasing my) peace, I was emotionally tired from the overall experience.
- I grieved a broken and/or awkward relationship... and leadership.
- I did not want to push away all the emotions I was/am feeling. I always checked my priorities and faced my music (truth) - dealt with the consequences of my actions and decisions. I hit my most raw and painful stage between October and December, when a lot that (I thought) were clear started changing course.
- The venue for my group gathering/birthday celebration was meant to be the venue for my farewell from work if I resigned (along with my birthday). So my mind that whole night kept reflecting on the fact that so much changed, in almost like a blink of an eye! :-/
- A man many people and I respect passed away. My mind kept flashing back to the time we were in his home, when instead of celebrating with international sports fans, his family was grieving the passing away of a child. I was asked if I wanted to travel overseas to pay my respect in person to the family etc. I said no, went to a farm instead, and grieved with the world there.


Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

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Part two.... Click here to see the continuation of this story.... :-)

Driving Miss Rachelle

I MISS MY TAXI DRIVER!!

I thought about him last night as my head spun. I wished for him in my unsafe drunken state as I tried to get home. I had too many things going against me to catch a taxi (short fare, drunk, vulnerable), so I decided it wiser to walk. Today, I still miss him, as I try (with  the few struggling brain cells I managed to keep sober after last night's escapade!!) to work out how I'd travel around to the different places I planned to go to, then back home.

I LOVED my old taxi driver. I wish I never lost my cell phone, with his number in it. I wish I kept looking and asking for him then. Aaahh, regrets for not treasuring someone amazing that was not appreciated in youthfulness. If I see him again, I would probably hug him. I would likely cry with joy.

I met him around 1999-2000, when he was designated to drive me home after work through a taxi booking service. He was Iraqi or Afghani. I immediately liked him and kept his business card. Taxi drivers always gave me their business cards to call them direct for jobs. I tried a couple, but because they were abundant, I did not care if I lost their details. My Iraqi/Afghani driver (I dislike that I cannot remember his name...) was different, and he was proven to be a great find.

He drove smoothly and took the shortest route. He was always gentlemanly and never made a pass at me verbally and in action. I could fall asleep in his car and I knew I'd be fine, despite our business not being recorded (through the booking service, the reason I preferred it to randomly flagging down a taxi). He would wait for me to finish work late yet never charged extra. He even charged me less, until I assured him I could claim the fare back from work. So he charged me less only for personal trips.

His worth surpassed the generic driver-passenger relationship. I continued using him after I changed job. But I saw him rarely from then on. Many times I called him to check if he was driving in the area, and most times he wasn't, but he always had someone else he trusted to pick me up. He told me to always call him for a taxi, to never catch a random taxi because it was "unsafe".  He would tell me to wait, then a few minutes later, all was organised, with another taxi close by. The other drivers extended the safety net. They were always kind and respectful. They never gave me their card (did not compete for business). All spoke well of my driver, told me he was a good man, and respected amongst his peers. A few times they also drove me for free(!!!) when the journey was short. I was never stuck. I would always have a taxi even when there was a huge demand for them!... I felt so lucky and saved so much money. But I did not appreciate its non-financial value as much as it deserved. I was too inexperienced in my youth to realise how rare my situation was.

I could say he was the first man "in my life" whom made me feel like he could take care of me quickly no matter where I was in Melbourne.

He spoilt me. Like a brat, I lapped it up feeling deserving. I may have even abused it, but my driver never asked anything of me. For one to two years my now beloved taxi driver selflessly did all he did for no reason but friendship.

When I lost my phone, I asked other taxi drivers if they knew him. They didn't. I wasn't regularly catching taxis then so I naturally lost contact. And then I move on and forgot his name, forgot his existence. I remembered him when I was placed in a situation where I again had to trust my safety to another driver (see "my driver in Sri Lanka" ) while I was overseas. But as the story showed, it wasn't the same relationship, and the Sri Lankan driver started falling for me. So I was actually glad when I no longer required his service.

I should have stood next to many taxi ranks for days to find my Afghani/Iraqi friend, or someone who knew him. I should have looked for him. I wish to find him again.

Ulsa and Igor

I have forever dreamt of having my own small garden with beautiful flowers and foliage; a year-round vegetable and herb patch; and a variety of fruit trees for shade and delightful nourishments. I imagined birds tweeting and chirping and a soft sound of water hinting at a distant.

I grew up in a space-starved concrete jungle and care for non-human living things was never, or at least forgettably, discussed. As exposure broadened, I learnt to appreciate and loooove earth and nature freely. They were both indulgent and precious; relaxing and rejuvenating.

I tried to capture this dream in miniature a few times in my temporary homes. Experimented before my real setting. Or fed my soul with enough to tame the hunger to realise the dream.

Not having a place of my own (yet, and by choice), I satisfied my wish for shady trees and greenery by going to parks regularly. I tried potted lemon and lime trees before. Even bonsai trees and bamboo plants. Though all of them were pretty to own, I preferred them outdoors and free; where, sometimes, the birds and running water are.

While living overseas, I loved it when I had potted orchids of various colours, with draping rounded leaves. For years my mood always softened each time I gazed upon each beauty. Before then, I believed I could not grow and keep healthy any plant nor bamboo(!!). I accepted my fate to be a "black-thumbed" gardener, having failed all attempts. I thought when I purchased my first orchid plant our time together would be short-lived. That our relationship would consist of myself consuming only its beauty for as long as I could take from it, then discard its wilted remains. But the flowers kept blooming, and the fanning leaves stayed green!! My housemates and I bought more and placed them around the house. I watered the plants so it became an unstated expected role, which I did not mind. It was nice to feel like I produced and maintained something of beauty for everyone to enjoy. 

I hope to recreate those moments again here soon. Three years ago I decided not to do it yet because I thought I could not settle and plant roots. But time with opportunities, to catch-up or balance life; to finish off responsibilities; and to pursue pleasurable pursuits, satisfyingly calmed me down. I now think I should settle, and it will not be a waste of time, temporary or not. Instead of missing out, pulling this dream closer into reality now, away from the future where other dreams are kept.... A mind-shift to produce much more into life/lives, instead of mostly consuming... (Thoughts on comparing life and plants went a bit deep here, ack...). In plant-speak, regardless of whether I leave or not, the crops/fruits/beauty produced by those plants will still be shared for consumption to others.

The seed of this craving and idea grew this month. Or began two months ago, when I purchased this tulip plant as a housewarming gift :-).

I was surrounded by potted plants, herbs and flowers at the market. I wanted to bring home at least five of them, to plant and grow them together, around my imagined "nook" in my cramped living space. My little retreat, my solace. An opposite reaction to my constant downsizing!

I'm still trying to figure out all the details on how this shift would work in my current and medium-term situations. I am fully aware because of my downsizing where I currently am is not a suitable location for building my "nook nest". But I am (have to be) patient.

I also knew that while "waiting", I could work on learning more about the plants that will be in my garden, specifically the fruit plants and herbs. Tomatoes are one of the main ones I really wanted to have. So, I attended a free tomato-growing class, along with my wounded pride that I failed thrice in the past. The last kill was in 2011, when a colleague gave me a sturdy, older and stronger plant that was "guaranteed to grow as long as watered and kept under the sun". I did as I was told, but the plant did not flower and turned brown.

I learnt so much! I was glad. But I ended up with a free plant (plus another given by an attendee who was only interested in the class as he already planted growing tomatoes in his garden). 

Meet Ulsa and Igor. Yes, I decided to name them. No, I'm not ready to have them yet!! I have space to keep them, even in company of a herb or two, but I have none of the stuff I need to take care of them like dirt, or a pot. I imagined starting with orchids! I imagined setting up a raised-up rectangular vegetable herb patch (next year) first!! Not in ad-hoc pots!!  I've had the green-twins for almost two weeks and I still have not transferred them to a bigger pot!! See below before and after shots.... :-(

Does anyone want to take them off me...!!??! Ack! :-//

Donation Matching

Very interesting social experiment....

I mentioned in earlier post how little donation I was physically receiving for the typhoon. A colleague mentioned people (mostly) never donate willingly. It is all about marketing. So for my donation box we:

• used a clear plastic jar and removed the opaque lid so people could see what's inside
• placed a $5 note inside to encourage people to give paper money
• left some coins to remind/entice people to get rid of their loose change in it (no one likes to carry heavy coins in their pockets anymore)

From this little experiment, I observed that:

• read earlier blog
• I did not get any loose coins, except for the ones placed in it by colleagues whom were helping me market-up the jar, and my own coins for similar reasons. We emptied the jar at the end of the day for security but showed calculations of takings, so we had to keep putting new coins into it every morning. Then I realised the self-service store for chocolates and small treats was 10-15 steps away from the donation jar. It couldn't compete... not even for 10cents.
• When I left the jar empty, it stayed empty (for three quarter of the day).
• I placed a $5 in it, within an hour, another $5 was left.

I'm not going to conclude anything, it was an uncontrolled experiment so one could argue circumstances, location, timing, etc etc.

....Yesterday, I tried a drastic marketing strategy. To see if people really always (unconsciously) want something in return for their good deed. I said I will match the donations, $2 for every dollar donation. One donation to a religious agency, and an equal amount to a secular organisation.

Voila! In one day I collected more than the amount I collected for 4 days. From less than $30 collected on Thursday to $68.10 in 4 hours.

So this morning, I deposited:

• $70 matching donation to Red Cross (kinda secular, was the religious agency I chose initially)
• $70 donated by others to Samaritan's Purse, as advertised early in the week.
• $70 matching donation to Samaritan's Purse (religious) again ack. It was meant to go to Plan Australia (secular), so I could also show 3 different receipts, but my computer did not confirm the donation above so I thought it did not go through and did it again.

It all goes to the same place. *tense smile*

.... Someone told me I only have to match the takings on Friday. But I'll match the whole week's.... I got a little bit of fun and play from the curious experimentation. A good return for the good deed. Worth the donation. ;-)

If you want to donate, but prefer tax deductibility in Australia, you can do it through agencies such as these (link for Plan Australia below).

Plan Australia

Experiences from Outside of Yolanda/Haiyan

I'm not gonna filter through my thought process, and just type away, regarding this calamity.

... When I first heard about the typhoon heading to Philippines, I knew it would cause devastation, a double combination of hurricane Katrina and Thailand tsunami. I explained this to many people. I pulled on memory of what eventuated in a stadium (visited by a famous talk show host) that was used as an emergency shelter but became a prison; and the degradation of civilities and kindness in cities that were hit as and when people became hungry, thirsty, tired, sick, hurt, alone, desperate, helpless and angry. I anticipated how people would take opportunities/advantages of the lawlessness and lack of control. I talked about it all very matter-of-factly, vocalising how sorry I felt for the poor people (that would be affected), how the crisis would be very critical and very dangerous, but really I did not care about them. I forgot about them after the conversation stopped. I was more worried about the spreadsheet I had in front of me that was important for me that day.

... A day before it hit, because I did not remember anyone I knew whom would be directly affected, I became unaffected, and brushed the typhoon off as "just a storm". I guess I was in denial, I did not want to believe that it would really be as strong and damaging as it became.

... The day, saw footages of the storm as it hit. Everything as I detailed - debris on the flood similar to what we saw during a tsunami surge without the deadly current; and properties destroyed by wind/hurricanes. It was then it became more real. Everything I knew but was still only perceived became actual.

... I started checking what preparation took place. So thankful there were groups and organisations that were more proactive than myself. They were preparing supplies, relief, aid and response teams even before the typhoon hit. The experts trained and equipped (or not) to deal with these kinds of situations. But I think, maybe, like myself, they also could not anticipate/accept how major the destruction would be.

... Foreign correspondents have sensationalised the figures and facts. I'm not downplaying the situation - it is dire - but I was hearing/reading 10,000 dead from foreign news but only 1,000 dead from local news (I cant believe I said ONLY!!!). Maybe it was to wake people up from their "away from danger slumber" into "helping action"?? Or maybe the local news did not want people to panic?? .... I am wary/dismayed of media/broadcasting company also twisting/sensationalising the stories to fit what the audience/government would want to hear/show. For example, taxpayers want guarantees that hard-earned contributions that we'd prefer used in our own country's problems were being used appropriately elsewhere, therefore need convincing of how good our citizens are performing with our money in those poor poor countries - yey to us! Now they are saying most of the help are coming from foreign specialists, no/few local specialists (doctors, aid workers, etc) in sight. Such "saviour mentality", concentrating on taking all the credit, uuuuuggggghhh!! I know local people are working tirelessly and hungrily there. I'm sure a lot of them victims of the calamity themselves. While the situation was still being decided and assessed worldwide, they would have been the initial response, the first to aid, despite being spread thin and also requiring assistance themselves. I doubt they or any country would have been prepared for the magnitude of the situation.

... I'm encouraging of bringing spirituality along as part of the holistic approaches to help communities that want to be helped, or need help. Prayers are just as important, if not more, in these situations. (No I'm not going into a debate of who caused it in the first place, convince anyone of how to think these events through etc etc etc.) But when people are grieving, anguished, hungry and thirsty and homeless... I think it is best and more practical to fill that transport with food, water, communications device, emergency shelters, cleaning/medical/building/sanitation equipment first. Bring most of the holy books later. Pray, communicate, teach or worship with them while attending to urgent physical needs and compassionately/empathetically alleviating their various forms of pains, loss and sufferings.

... Anarchy is apparently happening. Thefts, militia, power grabs, etc. Aid convoys prevented from reaching those needing help! Really!? Mankind so evil and selfish, doing that for their better more important cause. I wonder if there will be news of rape, and assaults/killing out of hunger/anger too...? But these people, who are known to be resilient and good-natured, are panicking, reacting out of normal human nature. I will admit, I commented that land sales would be cheaper, investors could/would take advantage. The fact it entered my mind, I would admit to shamefully considering the opportunities to chase wealth, even if only for a few seconds. I was no different to those whom wanted to benefit despite the demise of others :-((. However, thankfully, I am different because my decisions and actions were to not act on those thoughts.

... I was surprised how hard it was to get generous financial donations from people (more than coins). However, saying that, I encouraged a lot of them to donate online themselves, so that could be exactly what happened. A colleague was teaching me how to market it, entice them into giving (uugh!). I already made tax deductibility a selling point, to encourage action. So far I've collected less than $30 from a floor of more than 100 people. On a positive note, a friend told me in her (much smaller) organisation people fasted for one day and/or donated the money they would have spent on lunch and/or on their break. Collected more than $500 in one day.

... We people are such mixed bags of generous, selfish and in-betweens.

(Photo : Erik De Castro/Reuters)

Saartjie Baartman

I finally finished viewing the Sarah Baartman story. It was an immensely difficult movie to watch, but one that needed to be seen fully. I could not recall any other movie where I was heartbroken and cried for one person the whole time I watched. I thought stopping and watching the rest of the film another day would make me stronger, but nothing could toughen me enough for how the movie related her life, and her after-life.

Even if the movie was sensationalised; or that millions of people dealt with what they or we considered to be worst sufferings, pains, violence, genocide, wickedness, indignity and dehumanity.... No comparison or opinion of relativity would lessen the impact and grief I felt for her.

I hope to never see her in any museum. Never for science.

I am deeply deeply sorry Saartjie.

Vulnerability

Perfect!!

I've been trying to finish my written ramblings about people's UNWILLINGNESS and AVERSION to VULNERABILITY for almost a year now, but my draft stayed as it is....

I should have known it'd be in TED, or that someone else had discussed it online :-). People such as this speaker whom had been seriously studying it. And she is spot on!! Listen to everything she said!!

Take note especially from 3:30mins....

Almost

I almost killed someone today.

Or almost hurt someone badly.

Thankfully I didn't.

I got off the tram this afternoon after work, and twisted my healing ankle badly (I don't know how and why). I fell hard on the lady in front of me. I may have heard her scream (I vaguely recall it now), but the pain I felt on my ankle was louder.

The lady got thrown out toward oncoming traffic. Thankfully she wasn't hit. She said she thought I was trying to kill her.

I'm sure I apologised to her. I think she was initially angry but she must have seen the pain on my face. Then I asked her to help me cross the road so I could sit on the bench alongside. Then I can't remember much else. She just disappeared. I went home. It was all a blur.

So very very glad the lady was not run over. She possibly reeled from the experience. Her life could have flashed before her eyes. So very very glad nothing happened to her. Really happy about that. So glad. :-) *tense smile*

Old Lady

I not long ago had an encounter with an old lady that was very unpleasant. It made me very sad, affected, and cried several tears.

I thought I dealt with it well, with the right heart.

I saw her again a couple of days ago. I remembered how quickly I forgave her. I felt glad/pride for it, and immediately congratulated myself for reacting out of love (then).

I could tell she was alone, and looked a little grumpy (her usual demeanour, which to be frank, was off-putting). I remembered what she said about where we were, what she thought of the people, and how she did not feel welcome at that place (to put it lightly). I thought, she must still want to reach out, despite her many complaints and undesirable opinions, despite how she was towards me, despite the difficulty being possibly that she is difficult, and despite her gruffness, because she still attended. I knew there was a lot of truth to what she said (about the place not being very welcoming), but something still made her go. That could be an opportunity or a door for change.

But in spite of feeling strongly to reach out to her, I did not. I remembered my pain, it flashed fully in front of us, then suddenly I could not feel my legs and arms, and my mouth was mute. Only my gaze followed her, as she walked into a room, and as she passed me when she stepped out 5 minutes later. I was ashamed. I knew I reacted out of pain. I realised I did not give her the love I thought I did when I said/believed I did.

*********************************

I have reacted out of pain countless times before. Many of those decisions produced positive results. On the other side, I have reacted out of love before that also produced destructive results. I'm sure we've all had those experiences. To me what pushed or drove the changes to people that empowered or improved them (and others around them) is mostly irrelevant. I just love that people took those steps to be better, where being better was necessary or healthier.

I know a lot of people who are inspiring because they turned their pains into worthy causes, being obvious beacons of light and strongholds for those who are struggling. I could never compare to their compassion, patience and heart.

.... It is very interesting where we get our motivations from. What drives us daily and unconsciously....

My preference is to react out of love. Even if it was uprooted from pain. I've had multiple turns at this now, so I can kinda tell where I am reacting from. When it is out of love, despite feeling some pangs of remorse or regret or heartaches or loss - I feel at peace. I really do. When I am reacting out of pain, then obviously I don't keep my peace. I am more consumed by my heartache, and I can actually feel myself trying to protect myself from further pain (imagined or not). It is harder to let go, to accept, and to allow for changes to occur.

Like the story with the old lady above.

... The worst she could do is tell me again what I already knew were her opinions. The sting I know will lessen as I consciously try to react out of love. I highlighted "consciously" because as we know (or as I decided), love is hard work and a proactive choice. Given freely with the right heart.

Fifteen Minutes

I bought a guitar this weekend.

I've been pushing learning how to play properly, FOR YEARS, because of the following:

• Several months ago I returned the guitar a colleague lent me while I was immobile coz of my ankle, coz I couldn't get it to tune properly; and she left my organisation.
• I waited for a friend to lend me his guitar, but I never got it despite many reminders.
• I decided it would be much cheaper to buy one overseas and learn while I am there for 5-6 months. I did not want to waste the money.
• I didn't want to commit to purchasing one now when I don't know what kind of guitar I would like.
• I couldn't get a friend to go to the music store with me to purchase one for moral support.
• It would take a long time for me to learn, with the difficulty of switching master hand (from being left-handed learning to play with my right). So I wanted to focus on it fully, when I have more time.
• Later, not at the moment. Just because....

Petty (unreasonable) reasons, EXCUSES really, which I allowed myself to believe as strong arguments to NOT DO what I dreamed of doing, to NOT DO what I really wanted to do.

Then someone planted an understanding in my head. Reasonable and achievable. To practice and play, just a few chords, daily, or during down times, for fifteen minutes, or half an hour, just while lost in my thoughts even.

FIFTEEN MINUTES! Surely I can spare that!?


From that thought, all other excuses no longer held.

• Don't have one, and/or waiting for friend to lend me one? Buy my own!
• I can buy it next year? I said the same two years ago, and even now I'm struggling to work out how I could carry it around with me and bring it back home after. Time to JUST COMMIT.
• Too expensive? Stupid excuse when I lately (not last year) I started spending more money eating out. I was investing on spending time with my relationships/friends; but not on myself.
• I can't (and/or don't want to) carry it with me from home to where I am going next year!!? Then leave it here at home. Buy a cheaper one to use next year and give it away.
• I couldn't get someone to go to the store to help me choose? Sometimes, I just have to be a big girl and hold my own hand.... :-//
• It would take a long time to learn (might as well give up now)?! Noooo :-((( .... Too sad to accept I didn't even try.... :-((( .... 15 minutes, start with 15 minutes.

Thankful for the seed of inspiration :-)))).

So I decided to be "selfish". Or...

I acknowledged that I created a huge(!!!) challenge/hurdle where really there was NONE.

We do this all the time. On many indecisions.

But this time, I ended one.

Meet Jack, my new companion and friend. :-)

Two days into it and my left fingers are already moving (slightly) better along the frets.... woohoo!! :-)))

*******************************

Related funny short story :-).

While having a meal and drinks together, I excitedly told my friend about my new guitar, and plans to practice at least 15 minutes a day, or even 5 minutes, where I can, whenever I can.

Friend: Fifteen minutes!!? You don't have fifteen minutes!
Me: What do you mean?
Friend: You're too busy....
Me: I can make intentional time for it.
Friend: When!?
Me: (Looking at my friend seriously) I can spend fifteen minutes less with you now.
Friend: OH! Can't have that....
Me: *Smiled quietly, resumed eating, friend changed topic...* :-)

The Scent of Sake and Hot Chocolate

In my previous post, I clearly showed signs of feeling overwhelmed. All out of my own volition.

My commitments are still the same (less one). But as days progressed, I had the power act on my complaints. To fix where there were imbalances, despite tipping the "neglect" to other tasks I was managing well. Embracing the tightrope I am walking on now. Dominating it, rather than letting it subordinate me.

I guess that's why I am blogging it. Paying a much closer attention to my thoughts and decision process, and reflecting on when I realised the desired effects were achieved.

... I was smelling the sake, while enjoying the company of very drink-responsible friends (It was like having two designated drivers, or one driver and one bodyguard, or two bodyguards whom part-timed as a chauffeurs). I sat there with my second of three alcoholic drinks for the night, goof-balling, drinking most of the hot "water for Gods" (or something like that, as described in the menu) while my emotion seesawed, as we reflected on (my) life. I cannot speak for them... I don't know if they saw me on top of my game, or raw from a little beating. Despite complaining of busyness and not having enough time, spending quality time with them (instead of task-mastering myself) was exactly what I needed. Tasks pushed aside until morning. Today, a day I specifically decided to take off work to chase after various jobs. This was very different to procrastination. I scheduled my focus, instead of spreading myself thin, and avoided not giving the full attention deserved for each moment.

... I also complained about feeling unrested in my previous post. I complained about many things, but this I felt was at breaking point. So despite the thought of work piled up increasing my stress levels; and it would mean I'd have to work "doubly-hard" when back in the office; I took another day off (tomorrow). I accepted those daunting terms while I also soothed myself with it won't be as bad as I imagined, I'm sure, and despite a guilty voice telling me I am spoilt. Reminded myself I knew, I chose to be spoilt, because I can still allow myself to be spoilt (mostly have to take care of myself only). So, while sipping hot chocolate I realised my "ME TIME" had started. I finished two books (or one and a half, as I realised I was relaxed but bored with the second halfway through reading it tonight), onto my third book, until this blog intervened. Pursuing my ME TIME even gave me a chance to pursue writing. Not that this post is any good, heheheh, but at least I am enjoying myself, filling my energy tank with positivity. I probably should be sleeping now to gain physical rest, soon I will. My slower pace now while I am alone is almost like sleep.

The point of this is.... we will always have the ability, the power, to effect positive change into our lives. It does not have to be dramatic. Just a little mix of healthy denial and/or desperation, but staying responsible and keeping your wisdom (no you only live once so break out and do something stupid). Not only seizing moments when presented to you, but creating moments too.

Daytime errands done.... ME TIME ️️️!

... Feeling goodly bohemian in my clashing relaxed clothes (aka fashion terrorista); finished a book with varied choices for next read; stronger chocolate drink as per request; awesome Badu music in the background with earplugs muffling other noise; nice light chow, good downtime in a quiet spot.

Top Tens - Spring 2013

Ten Things I Love/Appreciate

1. SPRING!! What's not to love about spring!!?! :-) ♥♥

2. Flowers! I love all the flowers I received. Bought and picked. Thank you so very much. Don't stop, please :-)))

3. Prayers!! Please continue this. Feeling very verrry overwhelmed. As I accept, discern and prepare myself; for a new relationship, a new adventure, a new commitment and much changes. There's so much to take care of! Dealing with a lot of, let's just call them spiritual, financial and physical "heaviness".... While trying to stay on top of my current responsibilities!

4. Babies! A baby, to be specific. She is absolutely adorable ♥♥.

5. Gym at work. I don't think I'll succeed in getting back into fitness if I didn't have access to  one during lunch, mostly the only time I could squeeze a quick workout into my week.

6. My weekends for rest, please, at least one day of "nothing" per week, will be most appreciated.

7. ME TIME.

8. Hugs.

9. I still really appreciate the confrontations I face with myself as I try to apply the Kingdom living and values into my decisions and actions. (This shouldn't be in here at the moment, coz I am very painfully confronted at various levels at the moment with many spiritual, financial and emotional inventory. Self-inflicted. Appreciating but not loving it :-(( ...)

10. I am still grateful that (most) friends know that my relationship and love for them will not change to less just because I turned "Jesus". It will break my heart if any of you think I will see/treat you with less love, or unequal or unacceptable. :-((( .... My love has actually even increased!! Not out of pity, piety, or duty! But overflowing from increased awareness of how much God loves all of us, regardless.

Ten Things I Miss/Dislike

** I don't like this list this season. Sounds very complaining and overwhelmed.

1. September is always mixed with melancholy for me, in memory of my eldest brother.
2. I'm starting to dislike being intentional in making time for some people, but feeling like an after-thought in return. Especially when others would drop their plans (that won't affect others) to spend time with me. Realigning myself this season to mirror others' intents, care for our relationships, and actions, much because of quality time constraints.
3. Miss writing. I still would really love to have more time to play with writing. To be less restrained and hindered in my expressions. To trial, error and success. Allowing my creativity to take forms without or with much less inhibitions. If only I didn't have to work, or eat, or travel, or relate, or sleep. *smiling sarcastically*
4. I still dislike giving up writing about many current affairs and reflections coz the "moments were lost".
5. I dislike still feeling unrested. I long for a half-week break! I can't go away for a week, but I need to go away, forget about life, and to be a recluse, methinks. :-(((
6. I dislike busyness. I feel I'm repeatedly whinging but my glass is too full.
7. I miss my usual fitness level. This season feels like my most unfit in more than a decade. I can feel the weight pile on (which is not the problem[!!], especially as I will definitely lose weight overseas next year). I am reminded though of my current struggle between exercise-tiredness-rest-activity; healthy/indulgent/survival/loving/comfort-eating; and prioritisation of responsibilities/pursuits against time.

8. I still miss relaxing/nice, strong, long, full-body (head-to-toe) sports massage with scented oils. I haven't been satisfied of getting all five criteria in one session this year. :-(

9. I still dislike how messy my room table and drawers and floor gets...!

10. I still miss the beach, with warm water and sunsets.

Ten Wishes/Prayers **** Fourth season, SAME.

1. To wait patiently on God. Hebrews 11:8.
2. For new relationship to be God-inspired.
3. To have (undeniable) clarity on what to do next. I think I know medium-term what I am learning, doing, and preparing for.

4. To not be lead by my own plans/fears/insecurities/over-confidence. Psalm 23.
5. To have (undeniable) clarity on where to go to next. I already know.
6. Courage (I have, because I trust.)
7. Submission (I do, because I follow with trust.)
8. For the last (biz) issue with old partner to be fully finalised this year instead of in 4 years! No negativity, but I would really like to no longer have to deal with him and not participate in keeping the (biz) issue away from his new partner. Peace of mind and complete closure would be nice.
9. To not under-perform and to be a peacemaker at work. smoothening office issues and politics.
10. That opportunities keeps coming and presenting itself; and that I respond rightly/appropriately, by taking them on, or saying no.

On The Eight Day I Rested

... after cleaning the kitchen and the living room, mopping (to vacuum later because people were still asleep in the house), wiping clean tables and tops, doing a load of laundry, showering, and hanging the washing.

By 9.30am I was finished and relaxing with my breakfast next to me (milk and muffin). Started and finished my homework for tonight's class (2 hours work), while picking on my breakfast plus yoghurt and organising lunch with a friend who just arrived back from Italy.

Listened to music - Norah Jones and Jack Johnson - both has a way of soothing me and relaxing me with their voices and/or their songs. Tried to journal (failed), replied to messages and tried to sort out more appointments. Looked at my bed, so inviting. Got dressed to go out instead.

Now 12.30pm. Lunchtime. Resting on the kitchen table while I write this post, waiting for my friend so we could eat lunch outside together, before she rushes off to work. I'm looking out the window and the weather does not look good, at all! But we will pursue, because quality friendship time is intentional, deliberate and important. Plus we both wanted to take it easy, as well as try out the cafe we found out we were both eyeing. :-)

And we are off!

I will rest after meals. Will vacuum the house when alone later. Will nap after, or read a book, maybe. To meet with two friends for conversations at 6pm. Then walk to my 7pm night class with a lot of women. Hopefully home to rest by 10pm, if not detoured.

(Took today off.)

Water Dreams

 I noticed I rarely dreamt this year. So when I do I remember them.

Two that stood out were dreams where water was the main theme.

First Dream:

I was the watcher. I thought I was looking at a painting of a European-looking seaside town. Van Gogh style, with a lot of brilliant blues, gold, violets, light pinks, and white/silver.

I became part of the painting. From the sea, I looked towards two ladies standing on a bridge. The waves crashed continously in front me beautifully, one after the other. One lady encouraged the other to run along the waves with her. Few words heard, but I understood in this place there was a wonderful phenomena where, if perfectly timed, one could be in front of the waves from the left side of the town/painting to the right.

Suddenly I was in town, looking at the pinkish sky and waves (can't remember the colour/s, maybe only blue). I was attracted to movement from the left corner of my eyes. The women were there. I could feel the excitement of the two ladies as they entered the sea. I think they waded between ankle-deep to hip-deep water.

A huge ten-storey wave started forming. I heard laughing screams from the two ladies as side-by-side (not holding hands) they started running ahead (from the left to the right of the “screen”). The multi-coloured wave towered then crashed inches behind them. More gleeful sounds. Instead of being sucked back into the wave, the water raised to hip level and gently pushed them forward. Another wave formed. Just as tall, if not bigger. The ladies started running again, having so much fun. Waves after waves crashed from behind as they walked/ran forward. The ladies were never scared, confidently moving and enjoying each other’s company. The whole scene looked amazing with all the colours mixing and forming. Their fun spirit uncontrollably infectious. This continued until they were back to the end of town.

I can’t remember if they wanted to do it again. I wouldn’t be surprised if they did. I wanted to join them.

I think I was the lady that encouraged the other.

Second Dream:

I was watching, again. The main/only characters appeared to be a father and daughter, or a man and woman. I think I was the female, while being the watcher.

I don't remember colour/s. It was more grayscale. Black/brown/gray/white. Plain.

The situation was not very clear. I just knew that there was a threat of flooding, or mudslide, or some dangerous combination of both. The female was allowing the male to take control.

Instead of running away from and escaping the crises as far away as possible, they lingered. The male appeared to avert each storm with just enough reaction. I did not receive an impression about the man, only saw his actions and absolute calm. The female did not understand and felt slightly anxious, but she allowed the male to decide, take control, protect and lead. She trusted and kept calm. It was a really nice relationship to watch.

Certain streets would flood and they’d both just avoid it, or be around the corner from it. I would see it moving towards them (while on foot or on a motorbike) as they departed. They’d climb to the upper floors of a building as the flood grew higher. But they didn’t rush to the top floor, never going higher than necessary. Just enough. Always it was comfortably enough.

It felt like they, and I, were simply living the experiences and the storms. They trusted enough that all will be fine despite the pressing dangers.

I think I was with God, and/or with a partner.

Side note:

Both dreams occurred after I deliberately prayed while I mused on life deeply before sleeping.

Top Tens - Winter 2013

Mid-winter. Not truly TOP ten. More the first ten that I can remember. Actually 11 this season.... Why not :-).
**A lot copied and/or moved around from previous list.

Ten Things I Love/Appreciate

1. Soon it will be SPRING! Not wishing time away, but I will love the season to come early, please.

2. Scheduled days off paid work. Much better than pushing myself ragged and calling in sick.

3. Prescious time to bond with godchild and her mother.

4. I would like to be somewhere quiet, away from my other preoccupations, and write.

5. My natural inclination to still be active, no matter how tired, even if only for a short walk, especially if with someone.

6. My new 8 pairs of shoes. Only "need" 2 of them. It doesn't make sense buying them when I am cutting down my possessions. But I really appreciate (love!) them. Thankfully one was a gift! I didn't spend much which made the impulse purchase easier to accept. Woohoo! ;-)

7. The tension I feel when about to make a life-changing (self-benefiting) decision, with the desire to please God stronger. I'm still making decisions benefiting me, but I love the wisdom in how I am tackling issues/considerations with the focus less on self-more reasons. Trusting/Hoping God is taking lead. Inner peace is constant, despite some reactive hyper-ventilation - more a sign of excitement that (good or bad) change is coming! :-)

8. I still appreciate the opportunities I will soon be given to prepare for my next adventures. I'm waiting to become an apprentice, to be more exposed to Godly missions.
9. I still actually really appreciate the confrontations I face with myself as I try to apply the Kingdom living and values into my decisions and actions. 

10. I am still grateful that (most) friends know that my relationship and love for them will not change to less just because I turned "Jesus". It will break my heart if any of you think I will see/treat you with less love, or unequal or unacceptable. :-((( .... My love has actually even increased!! Not out of pity, piety, or duty! But overflowing from increased awareness of how much God loves all of us, regardless.

11. I still appreciate the challenge of "letting go of stuff". Material things, and emotional. Filtering what's important and true/honest. This is also very hard, making me face fully some harsh and confronting issues. I want/need to face them, for my own good and to be better. It is great for healing and restoration/rejuvenation, which I love. ♥♥

Ten Things I Miss/Dislike

1. I really would rather write about 20 other current topics buzzing within me, instead of this, truth be told. There were as many others I gave up writing about coz the "moments were lost". Would really love to have more time to play with writing. To be less restrained and hindered in my expressions. To trial, error and success. Allowing my creativity to take forms without or with much less inhibitions. If only I didn't have to work, or eat, or travel, or relate, or sleep. *smiling sarcastically*

2. Winter. I used to enjoy it, but I've been quite grumpy this season with the coldness and wetness together. I am currently only capable of dealing with one or the other.

3. Feeling sooo unrested. I haven't been back 24-hours from warmer and sunny Queensland where I slowed down and rested, but already I long for another break! :-(

4. Busyness. Do-not-like! I slept 2am Saturday, woke up 6.30am, plane arrived 1pm Sunday. I had to rush to 3 meetings and a date. All of them deemed necessary (could not be rescheduled). I was crashing and running on empty after dinner. I didn't have energy to speak to people at home. Around 9pm I crashed on top of my bed, did not make it inside my blanket (but kinda deliberate coz I didn't want to lie on it without showering). I thought I was just resting, then I opened my eyes and it was already 12.30am. I feel knocked out still, but it's 4am now and I am doing a lot of "catch-up"... stuff.

5. Missing exercise. I didn't do any for a week, except for the little walks to and from shops, restaurants and transport. Had a much-liked lazy rest.

6. Restful, longer than 5 hours sleep. I miss it.

7. Miss relaxing/nice, strong, long, full-body (head-to-toe) sports massage with scented oils. I haven't been satisfied of getting all five criteria in one session this year. :-(

8. I still dislike how messy my room table and drawers and floor gets...!

9. I still miss the beach, with warm water and sunsets.

10. I still dislike losing the little confidence I have in driving. I haven't driven for years. I'm pretty sure I've lost the little skills I had.... ugh. 

11. White lies or not being fully honest troubles me. Others and mine (but I am very intentional in being honest, as far as I am aware).... Talked about this a lot with friends.  All/most agrees it causes or plants pain/negativity into relationships, but all/most continues to casually practice it, mainly for self-protection/promotion. If it is obviously not good, why do it? WHY!!!??? :-/

Ten Wishes/Prayers *** Third season,still pretty much the same...! :-)

1. To wait patiently on God. Hebrews 11:8.
2. Ankle (and leg burn) to heal well and fully. Also please no flu this fall/winter!
3. To have (undeniable) clarity on what to do next. I think I know medium-term what I am learning, doing, and preparing for.

4. To not be lead by my own plans/fears/insecurities/over-confidence. Psalm 23.
5. To have (undeniable) clarity on where to go to next. I think I already know.
6. Courage (I have, because I trust.)
7. Submission (I do, because I follow with trust.)
8. For the last (biz) issue with old partner to be fully finalised this year instead of in 4 years! No negativity, but I would really like to no longer have to deal with him and not participate in keeping the (biz) issue away from his new partner. Peace of mind and complete closure would be nice.
9. To not under-perform and to be a peacemaker at work. smoothening office issues and politics.
10. That opportunities keeps coming and presenting itself; and that I respond rightly/appropriately.

11. For new relationship to be God-inspired.