Stretched

A friend made a comment 2 months ago that I'm "always tired", in a manner where she seemed to be disapprovingly saying, "you can't always be tired". Instead of explaining why, I pondered over her comment and answered, "maybe I am more expressive of how I feel".

Curious, I revisited my previous posts where I mentioned being very tired. There were many(!!) - "Rest", "A Little Update About Nothing", "Clearly", "What's In A Week?", "Eight More Days Of Reflection" and "Tough". Very varied reasons and causes of fatigue, but same conclusion.

I've always been looking at how there are always people whom appears much busier than us. For example, full-time working single parents with children/teenagers. The fact that they seemed to cope well meant I should not/could not complain about my lesser undertakings! I've also wondered if placed in similar conditions, how much and for how long could I also stretch myself and survive?? For now, I am concentrating on finding balance. Trying to master being busy but with quality use of time (occupations, not preoccupations).

This morning I wrote an email to a friend apologizing for being difficult yesterday about taking on more responsibilities. I panicked! I again have too much on my plate and other parts of my life are in various levels of suffering, listed below in order of from easiest to neglect to trying hard to not take for granted.

• colleagues (most have given up inviting me to have coffee/lunch, ack)
• housework/tidiness (clean clothes, bags, paperwork and other stuff mixed together on top of my desk, like an evolving artwork in my bedroom, ugh!)
• fitness (cannot let this go coz having a healthy body is important for me to cope with all my activities, but I haven't worked out for 3 weeks now, thankful for the walks to and from work I still do)
• friends (please don't give up, I really had prior commitments! I appreciate your patience :-)... )
• work (trying to stay professional, doing lotsa training to be higher skilled at work, but I am more interested in my training outside work)
• heartfriends/family (if it were not for them coming to me, or I go to them instead of resting... so easy to lose touch, ugh)

I thought I may need to push aside one of my activities, temporarily. This morning I decided it to be my online training to teach English as a foreign language. I was very sad and confused coz I took a step of faith to it, in reply to where I felt I was being lead. But it was the only commitment that I could do later and in my own time. The rest were scheduled, team-based or had people relying on me.

I kept talking to God (my form of praying), holding back tears (I was emotional today, ack, felt overwhelmed for various reasons), but still willing to move/stay where I felt He wanted me to be, no matter how stretched and drained my conditions were. Committed. Trusting. Knowing if it was God's will He will provide the strength. By midday today I think God answered. But first, there was, like another test, of faith, for me to act. I accepted another TWO occupations! I irrationally took on more commitments, but this time I did not panic. I knew I made the right decision.

While discussing how much of my time would be tied to these 2 new endeavours, I found out I could still pursue my online training to teach English! :-) Another course I have been waiting for a year to start was scheduled to run on Mondays. My Monday nights were already booked for studies/lectures until December 2012. Both activities will be good for my growth, but I cannot miss the course. So it was obvious which I had to choose. The decision was already made. I just have to be willing to serve, and be lead.