Truce

I am not residing in God's presence as I was three months ago. I realised this today when I found the story "Petulant Helper".

The last time I heard clearly a prompting from God was before June ended, when He told me to approach a return-missionary in our intensive class. I didn't because I was too busy, so I prayed for her instead. The next day I was less busy, sat at the same table as her, remembered the prompting, and told her. She was having a moment with God. I apologised for not responding, she graciously said it was better because she would have cried. But we were both grateful for God's obvious attention and care.... Before then was with my mentor, while in a cafe. I loved that God answered my prayer for Him to help me show her what I meant instead of just talking about it.

I had been much busier and much much more distracted since then. Though I am more conscious of God in my hourly life. I am still busy doing, instead of just being. Even my rest is a strategy, to remove my lack of rest.

I prayed to God, He gave me a few verses in Jeremiah (3?) about 'keeping my feet from going unshod and my throat from thirst, but I said it is hopeless for I love foreigners and after them I go'. God gave hope in saying 'He will not look at me in anger, for He is merciful. And He revealed again that "He will give me shepherds after His own heart...". I wrote the verses here as if God was talking to me.

The problem with above is I understand it with my head, but I think the problem is my heart. I am analysing so much with my head, I am not abiding in His heart.

I brought this problem, that I cannot explain, to God. He knows my prayers even if I don't speak the words.

God gave me 2 Samuel 2:24-29 (see below). I don't like it when God gives me Old Testament Word. I read it only once. They are so hard to understand (with my own mind), too confusing. God help me, but I gave up understanding.

A thought formed in my head.... Attacking or killing or removing the problem is not the focus/motivation. It is the surrendering to Him that He is forging.

???? What???? Where did that thought come from??? Mine or His? I don't know if the verses in context even meant that?? But I'm tired of thinking and battling. I am praying for truce, or rest in Him, whatever it is, as He knows best to give me.... I just want to lie face down on the ground and not think or act. Impossible in my studying season. But I have faith in my undoing through Him.

... Usually here is where I would say, "So forward I go!".... Leftovers of my "carpe diem lifestyle".... I'm gonna stay spiritually lying face-down on the ground this time with God (while I study and live and serve and love in the physical world). God help me. How do I be how you want me to be??

2 Samuel 2:24-28English Standard Version (ESV)24 But Joab and Abishai pursued Abner. And as the sun was going down they came to the hill of Ammah, which lies before Giah on the way to the wilderness of Gibeon. 25 And the people of Benjamin gathered themselves together behind Abner and became one group and took their stand on the top of a hill. 26 Then Abner called to Joab, “Shall the sword devour forever? Do you not know that the end will be bitter? How long will it be before you tell your people to turn from the pursuit of their brothers?” 27 And Joab said, “As God lives, if you had not spoken, surely the men would not have given up the pursuit of their brothers until the morning.” 28 So Joab blew the trumpet, and all the men stopped and pursued Israel no more, nor did they fight anymore.

(** As I physically planted my face on my bed as if I was in the garden with God, I imagined Him picking up my forehead and placing it on His lap. He is so good. Thank you Jesus....)

Petulant Helper

** Written end of April 2015.... Forgot to post or embarrassed to post? Originally titled "Supporting Cast"....**

I stayed away from my "home", known as ships base for a week, to avoid infecting everyone with my vomiting etc. I'll spare you the gory details, it was not pleasant. I went back yesterday, Friday afternoon, thinking it was Thursday, so I could work on Friday (Saturday!). Obviously I was told to rest until Monday. I was glad to have more rest. I felt foolish being at the base, confused about what was going on around me, and leaving again after a couple of hours.

Instead of crawling to bed while I waited for my friend to pick me up, an idea popped to my head to go to the main office below. To understand how illogically foolish this idea was, you have to imagine me with only about 5% ability to hold myself up. I was not in the mood to socialise. But the push to go there was super strong (I now call it the "Holy Spirit punch"). Illogically, I forced my feet to walk the two floors down.

I was in the office for about two minutes, but felt I was not meant to be in there. The conversation was awkward and strained. I gave an abrupt farewell.

While I held the door open as I stepped out, I saw a shape of a person sitting on the steps of the vacant lot next door. I "heard" a command in my thought to "Help her". My immediate reply was, "no Lord, bed for me now pleeease". Still, I closed the door looking at the person and worked out she was a woman. By then she was also looking at me.

I immediately asked her if she was okay. She said she was fine. I stared at her for more than 5 seconds (which was a very long time when the moment was awkward!). I felt too yuck for small talk, so I bluntly explained to her, "I was told to help you." She stayed silent.

I impatiently stated, "I'm Christian, and I heard God tell me to help you, and I don't know why!"!! (I looked back thinking wow, I must have sounded weird!! I used to avoid such people!! ACK!!?!)

I asked her if she prayed for something. Awkward silence again... until she explained she had six children and was pregnant again. She was drinking her coffee and sometimes because of birthing so many children she could not control her bladder. She accidentally peed on her pants, so she sat down to hide it. She felt helpless, embarrassed and may have prayed.

She needed a place to wash her pants. I took her to a bathroom within our base. While she washed she said she was surprised I knew she needed help. I half-heartedly told her how clearly God wanted to help her and how clearly God answered her prayers! How much God loves her. The lady was excited and I was unenthusiastic, too consumed by how sick I felt. I noticed my behaviour and repented. I prayed silently for God to guide her steps instead, because I did not know what else I was meant to do and I wanted to go to bed!!....

When she finished cleaning herself she asked me how she could communicate with me again. I informed her I was leaving in less than week, so she had limited time to get to know me. Almost as if telling her there was no point.... I was not rude, but I noticed the indifference in my attitude. Before I would pursue a chance to have a 10 minute conversation with a stranger about God. With her, I forgot I just repented for my behaviour towards her, because I was still shutting her down!! I had so little patience! :-((

She told me she needed to go and pick up her son at the pier close by. I pointed to her the exit, then the lady walked the opposite way! I did not stop her, allowing the Holy Spirit to lead, aware I prayed for God to lead her steps! When we reached the balcony, the lady was surprised to recognise the girl sitting there. They met during the girl's local outreach (volunteer work). They both spoke German, so they got reacquainted as they chatted in German, and made plans to meet again. I sat there until it was time for me to guide the lady out of the base.

Tiredly, I returned to the girl. She shared with me that when she was doing her outreach, she really struggled and did not want to be there too. So she prayed for God to show her what to do. She ended up sitting next to this lady and that was how they found out they both spoke German. As she sat at the balcony today, she prayed to God again about her struggle to be there. She was in the same mood when the same lady approached her, not willing to cooperate with God. I shared we were both unwilling to cooperate.

I asked her if she saw the lady while at the balcony. Where she sat was a clear view of where I met the lady. She admitted she was too busy telling God about her needs, she did not listen to hear from Him.

We perused that maybe God was working on our/her obedience. Maybe God was teaching her, to go and help the lady. God prompts, but He never forces us to do His will. When she didn't respond, my role was to connect them again, but supporting cast only, a backup plan in this story. It made sense because I was saying/thinking I did not understand why God would teach me the same lesson again when I hadn't forgotten it (click here to read about my hearing God). That understanding was why I ended up with the lady and eventually at the balcony in the first place.

I was only at base for a short time, yet even in my weakness and poor attitude, God let me serve and learn. I was grumbling, too much like Jonah. The lady represented my Ninevah. But God was bigger than my petulance. *embarrassed smirk* :-/

"This change of plans greatly upset Jonah, and he became very angry. So he complained to the Lord about it:..." (Jonah 4:1 NLT)

I also learned how important it is to sometimes shut up, and just listen. To hold on to God quietly, remaining in His presence, as He reveals our adventures.

God still prepared an enjoyable time for me afterwards; and a place to rest to get better for the weekend.

Top Tens - Winter In Melbourne 2015

The main thing this season (since May 2015), God is revealing to me that my obedience is not about what I can do for Him (studies, ministries, worship, work, etc), but who He wants me to be (child of God loved, chosen, treasured, protected, cared for, freed, beautiful, anointed). :-))))

Ten Thirteen Things I Love

1. My home, my housemates, own room, and being on ground level (no bunks hahahah!).
2. The kids and pets... okay, the adults too. :-))

3. My church, and the bible study groups/fellowship I've been attending.

4. Hot chocolate, with extra does of cocoa! :-))
5. Fresh flowers in my room/house.
6. My awesome folding bicycle! Great Jesus story behind it! :-)
7. Walking late at night around town, the air feels crisper, nice, quieter.
8. Watched lots of movies during my rest period.
9. My "chairman chair", as known in the house. I could sit there for hours studying!
10. Cheeses, ice cream and nuts! ;-)
11. Persimmons and figs!
12. Being taught to rest in God. He knows what is good. He is undoing my assumptions :-).
13. My hot water bottle - so much colder this season!!

Ten Things I Miss

1. My ukelele, digital SLR camera, hammocks, books, awesome ESV Study bible, medications, and expensive/specialist camping gears - all left in storage in Hawaii, with favourite clothes and other favourite personal items. I left ALL my stuff in Kona, sure I was going back within 2 months. Shipping them to Melbourne will cost around the same as a return airfare. I could, to save time, but they are mixed with items I don't need (I kept EVERYTHING so I didn't need to purchase them again, and not packed well). I feel embarrassed asking someone else to sort through them, ACK! - YAY! A friend might be able to bring at least my uke, camera, and bible for me as he pass by heading to another state! YAY! SOOOOO HAPPY! :-))

2. Starting my day worshipping freely, outdoors or indoors, feet bare, dancing/jumping, to a live Christian band, for about an hour (can be called corporate worship).

3. Not having homework, hahahah ack! Study study study!

4. Overnight prayer sessions.

5. Overnight hiking. Retreats. Maybe exploring for pleasure.

6. Dancing. Or being danced with (twirled, etc).

7. My family and friends. Study/Ministry-related stuff are taking most of my time. Because my family are not of same faith, they are not interested in what I am doing.

8. More cheeses and ice cream! :-)

9. Persimmons - no longer in season? I only got to buy two and now can't find them!!?

10. Having time to learn guitar. I'm forgetting the chords.... again....!! :-/ (not a natural..)

Ten Wishes/Prayers

1. For my family to each accept Christ into their lives.
2. For studies - have a focused mind, stamina, rest, and God's wisdom.
3. Not neglect my family and ministry. Life-Work-Ministry-Rest-Pleasure-Balance.
4. Sanctified common sense.
5. For God's armour to always cover me and family.

6. For the mentors and support team He is sending towards me and building up. Thank you for the ones I've met already.

7. To always be obedient and dependent to God as His little child. 

8. To always have this joy and inner peace I have serving.
9. For a healthy body and physical healing (Immunity, skin, and physical wellness) 

10. God's blessing for me to have my own family, children and grandchildren.

Ten Material/Resources Wish List  (with mission to unreach nations in mind)

1. Osprey 75L travelpack, customised to my back.

2. Ipad or tablet - for ease during short-term travels.

3. Dual-sim phablet/phoblet.... you know which one I'm talking about.

4. Big Agnes(?) lightweight 3-4 seasons tent.

5. Lightweight and waterproof winter jacket and hiking pants.

6. Northface waterproof duffel bag that can turn into a backpack - carry-on size.

7. Business/investment in mission.

8. 

9. GoPro or similar - using this is strong, but I'm very hesitant to being more public, God will provide when it is time.

10. Canon DSLR lenses, tripod, and equipment for lighting and studio photography (a whim). I'm gonna try to get back to learning photography with my 50mm lens, next season.

** Don't need them this season of study and rest. :-)))