Truce

I am not residing in God's presence as I was three months ago. I realised this today when I found the story "Petulant Helper".

The last time I heard clearly a prompting from God was before June ended, when He told me to approach a return-missionary in our intensive class. I didn't because I was too busy, so I prayed for her instead. The next day I was less busy, sat at the same table as her, remembered the prompting, and told her. She was having a moment with God. I apologised for not responding, she graciously said it was better because she would have cried. But we were both grateful for God's obvious attention and care.... Before then was with my mentor, while in a cafe. I loved that God answered my prayer for Him to help me show her what I meant instead of just talking about it.

I had been much busier and much much more distracted since then. Though I am more conscious of God in my hourly life. I am still busy doing, instead of just being. Even my rest is a strategy, to remove my lack of rest.

I prayed to God, He gave me a few verses in Jeremiah (3?) about 'keeping my feet from going unshod and my throat from thirst, but I said it is hopeless for I love foreigners and after them I go'. God gave hope in saying 'He will not look at me in anger, for He is merciful. And He revealed again that "He will give me shepherds after His own heart...". I wrote the verses here as if God was talking to me.

The problem with above is I understand it with my head, but I think the problem is my heart. I am analysing so much with my head, I am not abiding in His heart.

I brought this problem, that I cannot explain, to God. He knows my prayers even if I don't speak the words.

God gave me 2 Samuel 2:24-29 (see below). I don't like it when God gives me Old Testament Word. I read it only once. They are so hard to understand (with my own mind), too confusing. God help me, but I gave up understanding.

A thought formed in my head.... Attacking or killing or removing the problem is not the focus/motivation. It is the surrendering to Him that He is forging.

???? What???? Where did that thought come from??? Mine or His? I don't know if the verses in context even meant that?? But I'm tired of thinking and battling. I am praying for truce, or rest in Him, whatever it is, as He knows best to give me.... I just want to lie face down on the ground and not think or act. Impossible in my studying season. But I have faith in my undoing through Him.

... Usually here is where I would say, "So forward I go!".... Leftovers of my "carpe diem lifestyle".... I'm gonna stay spiritually lying face-down on the ground this time with God (while I study and live and serve and love in the physical world). God help me. How do I be how you want me to be??

2 Samuel 2:24-28English Standard Version (ESV)24 But Joab and Abishai pursued Abner. And as the sun was going down they came to the hill of Ammah, which lies before Giah on the way to the wilderness of Gibeon. 25 And the people of Benjamin gathered themselves together behind Abner and became one group and took their stand on the top of a hill. 26 Then Abner called to Joab, “Shall the sword devour forever? Do you not know that the end will be bitter? How long will it be before you tell your people to turn from the pursuit of their brothers?” 27 And Joab said, “As God lives, if you had not spoken, surely the men would not have given up the pursuit of their brothers until the morning.” 28 So Joab blew the trumpet, and all the men stopped and pursued Israel no more, nor did they fight anymore.

(** As I physically planted my face on my bed as if I was in the garden with God, I imagined Him picking up my forehead and placing it on His lap. He is so good. Thank you Jesus....)

Northern Brazil and Big Island Hawaii

Reflecting on the 5 months of discipleship training, of intense spiritual journeys and lessons I had with our Lord and Saviour, I am filled with thankfulness and praise.

In this update I will share with you the realities of my struggles, the hard parts many missionaries do not admit in writing, because we may feel obliged to only report about the fun/joyous parts.... Hopefully this honesty will show that my faith in God - not my thirst for fun and adventures, and not any movie or book deals - has been the fuel for my passion and joy to continue following and serving Him in ALL circumstances….

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1. BRAZIL

My and my outreach team’s unity, resolve and dependence on God were tested from day one to finish!! As we all grew in Christ individually, we also leaned on each other to carry our weaknesses and share our strengths. God showed us how He perfectly placed us together for that season, to serve each other and others.

We flew and rode a bus to a base, next to the Amazon River, that’s making Jesus’ love and pursuit of us known along the rivers. It was almost, if not over, 50 hours of travel, plus a full day of us checked out of our rooms in the school after breakfast, already in transit for our almost midnight flight out of Hawaii, a rough start. I knew when we finally arrived in our home base in Brazil that I was with a great team! :-))

We faced mosquitoes, itchy/poisonous plants, snakes, spiders, hunger pangs, sicknesses, fungus, allergies, lice, wasp stings, staph infection, heatstroke, sunburns, incubation/growth of something unknown inside someone’s toe, diarrheas, stomach cramps, mysterious bites, lack of safe drinking water, and slept dirty because there was no water to clean ourselves. Normal for the communities we visited! My team reacted to it all with good humour, perseverance and spiritual maturity. :-)

We also faced fears of drowning, scary nights, crazy dreams, bad news, and sunken boats. The news of our boat in Hawaii capsizing in a storm, with crew friends hurt, and a friend lost at sea, was the hardest for many of us to deal with. In our grieving, anger, sadness, and disbelief; God was the true comforter of our souls.

I loved witnessing our individual changes – my team and the local staff (Brazilians and foreigners). We all faced confrontations with God as we were lovingly taught hard lessons of spiritual growth. We also had to grow up relationally; living in community with diverse cultures, generations and personalities. With Jesus being our motivation for everything, I still get teary-eyed remembering many inspiring and heartwarming situations where God’s wisdom/guidance, godly compassion, God’s love and inward transformations were clearly evident in us.

We loved people from all the communities. They welcomed us; shared meals, stories, and hugs; created things with them; studied together; lived with them; prayed for them; and prayed with them. We witnessed God’s presence in all of these communities. There was a lot of hardness and brokenness, physically and spiritually. We saw only glimpses, but in those moments, God continuously revealed Himself to the community and to us.

My biggest growth was learning to walk life obediently listening to the daily promptings of the Holy Spirit. An example, during one of our intercession prayers for a community, I heard in my mind, “Listen to me, and I will teach you fear of the Lord”. Though we were confident it came from God, I researched it against scriptures in the bible, which showed it was in Psalms 34 (underlined):


“Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in him. Fear the Lord, you his holy people, for those who fear him lack nothing. The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.
Come, my children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the Lord.”



(Psalm 34:8-11 NIV)



As I understood what it meant to live in power in truth and in spirit, I became more willing to let go of control to God. As I kept “getting weird” for God, more amazing events occurred. I saw physical and spiritual healings, divine appointments, and specific answers to undisclosed prayers/questions. There were many incidents where God gave me (and the translators) specific commands. I was always freaked out, especially when others were getting the same understanding, because I did not control their experiences to be like mine! Some instructions I understood and others not. There were times I disobeyed because I felt embarrassed or did not feel confident.

There was an incident, where I declared loudly to my group I did not want to obey God(!!) in stating the person’s sin, uncomfortable with disciplining someone instead of only loving that person. I was so freaked out I cried to God when we got back to base. God reminded me of hearing Proverbs 3:5-6, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths”. I told God I thought it was for the person I spoke to, so I related it. But it was actually an encouragement meant for me, before God gave me the message to pass on, that I was uncomfortable with.... Still disconsolate, because I did not understand, I prayed for clarity, God immediately gave me Ephesians 5:10-11 (see below, underlined). He quickly took away my confusion and comforted me. God refined me to better discern whether the message is for me only, for others, or for all.


“Carefully determine what pleases the Lord.
Take no part in the worthless deeds of evil and darkness; instead, expose them. It is shameful even to talk about the things that ungodly people do in secret. But their evil intentions will be exposed when the light shines on them, for the light makes everything visible. This is why it is said, “Awake, O sleeper, rise up from the dead,
and Christ will give you light”. “



(Ephesians 5:10-14 NLT)



God was always life-giving when He exposed information to me/us that were accurate, but I/we had no previous knowledge of. I was learning to be obedient in speaking it out courageously, as well as how to bring Christ’s light into it. God always reached out with love, even when we were being corrected, never with condemnation! Despite my limitations and hesitancy, the commands were always accurate! And God always had a “backup plan”, nothing failed because I didn’t respond. God is so much bigger than myself, thankfully. :-)))

My biggest struggles were the mosquitoes that never left me despite insect repellents(!!!); and my immunity issues that physically and mentally weakened me. This season in Brazil I faced the choice - to either hold on to God, or to give up on being a missionary because of my health. Each day, and most of the 24 hours, of my two months in Brazil, especially the last month - I kept running to God for comfort and strength, to deal with the mosquitoes and my skin!!

In those times of hardships, God kept showing me that I was never alone. I smiled each time He reminded me He is more relentless in pursuit of me than those mosquitoes!! :-)) Then I covered as much of my skin as possible, while trying to not sweat from the humidity and heat(!!), because my weak immunity allowed fungus to grow on my skin and head that I had to keep clean and dry with medication.

God also assured that He cared for me and I am (we are) part of the body of Christ. He surrounded me with Christ-following sisters and brothers whom cared well for me, prayed for me, and laughed at my predicament with me (for example, joked I could farm mushrooms on my neck!!). We had much fun as I/we swatted and growled (and sang) at the mosquitoes! :-))) The guys hiked nightly to bring a bucket of drinking water for me to bathe in, in communities where they had to use river water! I have many stories of God’s specific provisions, financially and physically and spiritually, enabling me to continue to relentlessly pursue His promptings!! For example, when I purchased medications after a hospital visit, someone from home/overseas responded to God’s prompting to send me a random love gift that was exactly the amount I spent, before I knew I needed it!

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2. USA

After outreach in Brazil, we went back to Hawaii in February for debrief and graduation. I believe I am not yet release from God’s command to go to Hawaii, so I stayed. I staffed as the assistant to the missionary training director until April. Then I spent a week with family and my godchild’s family in May before my visa ended. I am thankful for the opportunity to learn much as a staff member; as well as being able to spend time with family and friends, reconnecting and loving them after years of separation.

There were many things I struggled with in Hawaii, that at the end of reading this you'd wonder why I stayed!!??.... My simple answer is I believe God has not released me from His command to go to Kona.

I will explain below some of my realities in this "paradise islands"....

Hawaii evokes romance for many honeymooners and lovers. Its remoteness appeals to those who wants to get away from hectic life. A dream holiday destination for many. Or a retirement location. The place to be in (to chase) paradise on earth.... I explored Maui thoroughly in 2009, in case I wanted to move there, so I had a good grasp of the reality of Hawaii-living before I enrolled for the discipleship school last year (September 2014).

Hawaii has amazing sunsets; my favourite fruits (mangoes, papayas, coconuts, avocados!!); abundant flowers (frangipanis!!) to put on my hair; interesting national parks, and warm waters to swim/play in. I was/am thankful for these little joys. :-)

People imagined me in Hawaii amongst palm trees, on a hammock, watching awesome sunsets, with a love interest, lazing away with coconuts to drink. This only happened once during my birthday (December 2014, minus the coconut and the lover)! ;-)))

Hawaii is truly very remote. See the map below for scale. It is surrounded and separated by water, in the middle of nowhere on its own, and is very small!! For me, now, it literally is the "ends of the earth" (Acts 1:8).

As a natural explorer and adventure-seeker, with strong wanderlust, I felt claustrophobic after one month of being in the island!!! But I wasn't there to party!! I was there for three months to learn more about God and immerse myself in His presence, so I did. I rarely had time to enjoy the waters being so busy in school, unless I was willing to snorkel/swim at night alone! I didn't because it was unsafe, and I promised my mentor and her husband that I wouldn't do any of my crazy antics while I was away. :-))

Being well travelled, I know of many countries and locations where the appeal of Hawaii to lovers, retirees, recluse, dreamers, and water-babies could also be easily met in paradise! Places I much favoured that spoilt me and suited my personality and it'd be easy to go back to "normal life".

I also “risk” assessed (hahah!) that my likelihood of staying single here in Hawaii is “very/too high”. Believe me and the locals here, it is a myth that Hawaii is for lovers for people my age, unless you brought your boyfriend/husband with you already! ;-)) Ack! Pray with me on this one, please, hahah (I'm serious!). :-)))

Truth was I did not have many simple comforts I took for granted. I shared a small room with two bunk beds, with three women! I craved for my own space; a living room and a couch; a kitchen(!); space in the bar fridge; public and private transportation to “get away”; bible study fellowship; legal work so I can earn money (my visa does not permit work); Belgian hot chocolate drink; air-conditioning; and variety of activities in my weeks. Minor complaints I know *smirk* ;-) - easily resolved if I move to a share house with higher bills. Something I will definitely pursue for longer term mission. My "home" is part of my ministry. I would love to be able to host people and cook and care for them in fellowship. :-)

For the first time, I felt very homesick. I missed my family, my church and my friends. I missed the diverse foods, culture, and my lifestyle. I missed the fruitful ministries I was involved in back home. I missed having control of my finance. In Melbourne, I was “in my zone” and felt wonderfully thriving for God. My pride missed seeing the results of my work, and the effectiveness of my labours... :-(((.



“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”



(Matthew 11:28-30 ESV)




My peace of mind, conviction, contentment, and perseverance to stay despite all these lack comes from my growing faith and understanding of God’s character and His Father heart. In His great commission God confirmed with me “where” He wanted to send me (here in Kona). I didn’t know the “whys”, “how long for” and “what for”. But obedience is in following what I understood and trusting in faith that God will reveal more in His time., and He did. I can accept that God will not speak what’s next until I am done with what’s current. What’s important is I walk today and tomorrow faithfully and diligently in obedience and intimate relationship with God. :-)))

There are many ministries I could be (and am) involved in in Hawaii. There is much need for God’s workers worldwide. So it is important for me to be where God wanted to place me (despite my comfort levels and skills sets). When unsure, I accepted the opportunities available that activated my faith. But my focus was always in seeking to please God (obeying His commands) first, before myself, and others around me.

Currently, the ministries I felt pulled towards are staff development (growth in servant leadership, accountability and stewardship); to reach out to street people (homeless and various groups); and to physically/mentally challenged people. I know I could be involved in these ministries back home too, amongst many other options, as I tried to convince God to send me home. I was also aware that I need more theological foundation. But continuously He reminded me to not focus on my default to hard work; to not worry about my qualifications and educational achievements; to be still; and to let go of my fears. The triune God will faithfully provide all I need in His time, abundantly. He used my environments and situations, teaching me in apprenticeship, to grow me with immense awe of Him, to step out in wisdom of His truth and spirit. It might not meet my and people’s idea of standards and set expectations, but it really is enough. My confidence comes from tested and assured faith
in Him. I continue to grow much in Christ since eight months ago!  I love this wonderful journey God is walking me through! :-)))


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Preach the Word"I charge you in the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who is to judge the living and the dead, and by his appearing and his kingdom: preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patience and teaching. For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions, and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths. As for you, always be sober-minded, endure suffering, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry."


(2 Timothy 4:1-5 ESV)



End Note:

I will send an update about my stay here in Australia, etc, next month. I’m just very happy to be home. :-)))

Thank you for walking through this journey with God together with me. :-))

Please pray for me, and my people/places of trust, as we continue to serve God and pursue following His commands. I am in the process of buiding-up my structure for long-term mission. I am also home to continue my medical treatments/check-ups.

Top Tens - Winter 2014

[I thought my tradition was broken when I didn't blog for several months, it felt like I missed several seasons. Alas, I didn't! There's still a few days left of winter, yay! So I will continue.... :-)....]

Ten Things I Love/Appreciate

1. God's provisions - physically, spiritually, emotionally, financially. Daily reminders of love.

2. Love tight, long, squeezing, bear-like hugs.

3. Holding hands with someone I can trust.

4. Home-cooked meals.... I struggle to recollect details of the months past, but I remember people between fall and winter making sure I ate (home-cooked or dined out).... Loving gestures, though I always have a preference to eating at homes, even if it were cheeses on toasts, even if homes were messy.

5. My mentor and her husband. I will miss them :-(((.

6. Appreciating spiritual peace.
7. Feeling a constant and calm joy.

8. True friends and family.

9. Quiet - in solitude or with a company.

10. God's cover, answers, protection, embrace/armour, blessings, lessons, lovingkindness, authority.

11. Open smiles and open tears. Beauty in vulnerability... honesty... and hope....

12. Dancing freely, it comes out from my heart.

13. Spring, for sunshine's soft warmth on my skin, and the promise of flowers.

14. Overland hike with God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit; revealing seasons, plans, lessons, placements, promises, love, attention, wisdom.
15. I could go on.... so very much to be thankful for and to love and to be joyful about!!

Ten Things I Miss/Dislike

1. Missing tight, long, squeezing, bear-like hugs. Especially the pick-me-up varieties, hahah, ugh. Consider this a welcome for all my friends, male and female, to just do it!!! I'd love it hahahah! :-))

2. Missing holding hands (I remember growing up and holding hands with friends, boys and girls, why did we grow out of that??!?). Everyone's welcome/challenged to grab my hand too!! ;-)))

3. Dislike forgetting everything, anything... (not being my usual/old self).
4. Dislike my mind and body feeling "tired" easily... (not being my usual/old self).

5. Miss writing. Someone said I should write at least 200 words daily to practice (but see points above and time constraints, but I will).

6. Still missing two-hours of head-to-toe deep tissue or sports massage with scented oils.

7. I'm silently saying goodbye to Melbourne, just in case....

8. Miss reading (and remembering/understanding easily).

9. Miss singing for fun with (crazy) friends.

10. Being busier though not in a "job"!!!?!! But I love this change. Thankful for being exactly where I am placed, to be with; and to "work".

11. Goodbyes. (Instead "Keep in touch. See you later.") 

Ten Wishes/Prayers

1. For God's armour to always/daily cover me and family and friends, hedge of protection with the blood of Jesus (not literal for those who don't understand!).

2. Responded, "okay, I accept"... to be willing to be in a role/position I never dreamt for myself. It will be hard (never happen) in my own will, so I'm just placing that in God's hands and I keep my promise in my heart as a reminder as He will walk me through the journeys.

3. For my family to each have a personal relationship with Christ.

4. To always be obedient and dependent to God as His little child. :-)

5. My training.
6. Still would like to learn to play a musical instrument well (preferably guitar/ukelele, or my voice).
7. To be a better swimmer... or singer.... or both. ;-)
8. To learn how to plan and shop for food/groceries weekly, so I can be a better cook.

9. For my ankle to be healed strong, my core/stomach muscles to be strong, and my posture to improve.

10. For my (ad)ventures to be successful. That opportunities keeps coming and presenting itself; and that I respond rightly/appropriately, by taking them on, or saying no.

11. My languages!! But brain oh brain is resting.... :-/

Ten Material/Resources Wish List  ;-) 
- list copied from Winter 2014's list, very messy, have to be patient to read below, sorry.

1. There's a property (properties!) in France I am looking at to buy. Next to the beach, away from Paris but a direct TGV train (approx 470kms away), behind it an old castle (what's left of it), 300 metres from the beach, walking distance from the main hubs so infrastructure/facilities are available. If I turn the attic into a room with balcony, I'm pretty sure it will have more than a little view of the sea. I can make myself afford the villa. I just don't know how i'll maintain it! This or any French property purchase will definitely be for keeps! <3 (It is still available but not for me at the moment. All plans to property develop and/or purchase on hold.)

1. A tablet or an ipad. To use for video/photo processing and editing. I'm very tactile, I'd prefer to use my fingers than a mouse to do things. (Hahah, I don't even know how to use my one-and-half-year-old Mac still... *sheepish grin*)

2. If not above, a dual-sim phablet/phoblet/foblet(?).... you know which one I'm talking about.

3. 4. More income-generating investments, so I can have my own place at home and my second home (see above, hahahah). I come up with simple/complex inventions at least once a month!! I need mentors, creators, engineers, entrepreneurs and doers/finishers in this field!!

4. 5. Folding hula hoops of various sizes. I used to be good at twirling them, good for core exercise. Decided to exchange it for now with a lightweight sleeping bag for Everest Base Camp, comfort rating -20 degrees celsius at least.

5. 6. Portable pole, yes for dancing and rotation/strength work. If you're imagining something close to porn or prostitution get your mind off the gutter. I found out how good an exercise routine it is in 2005. I'll stick with swimming lessons at the moment, goggles already in my bag, considering location of where I am heading. ;-)

6. 7. My own potted herbs and vegetable garden. Big Agnes(?) lightweight 3-4 seasons tent.

7. Canon DSLR lenses, tripod, and equipment for lighting and studio photography.

8. A human/robot caddy to carry and take care of equipment above while I'm in my artistic zone ;-).

10. A moped. On hold.

9. 11. It's almost winter! Thigh-high boots!!! <3 :-) Osprey(!!) 70 little travel pack.

12. Long or oversized, thick, grandparents-style cardigan. Those ones that feel like I am getting hugged! <3 :-) (Got one good enough, and won't need it where I am going, but keeping an eye out for those super-thick ones! <3)

10. Lightweight and waterproof winter jacket and hiking pants.

Bad Shepherd

This weekend I participated in an activity, where I was "planted". That meant I knew what was going on and my friend asked me to play a 'bad shepherd' role.

Each person was asked to pick up a piece of paper where they saw written one of five animals - pig, puppy, sheep, cow, and horse. Keeping their animal a secret, everyone was asked to wear blindfolds or keep their eyes shut. At the same time, blind, they called out the sound their animal made, to try "to find each other, be together and be at the right place".

I was meant to lead them astray.

The game started, it was noisy and chaotic. Slowly they started grouping. I chose to call out as a cow. I figured it was easy to "moo" and I made it as loud and obnoxious as I could make it (hurt my throat!).

I saw a conga line of moo-ers. I mooed long and loud next to and over them but they didn't pay attention to me, just sort of moo-ed back at me to reply. I went next to one girl and practically screeched "moo" to her ear. It wasn't soothing. I think I sounded like I was in a fight. But it worked. She let one arm go of the person in front of her, and while scrunching her face (eyes still closed) coz she was irritated by the sound of my voice. She reached for her ears then made a gesture of letting me in to join the line. Because she also stopped, she ended up losing the person in front of her. I distracted her.

I was shocked! What I did worked! I had her and at least four people behind her lost, standing still! All I had to do was put her hand on my shoulder and walk them away from the herd. Which was exactly what I was asked to do during the game.... It could have been fun, to see how they'd react when they found out they weren't "at the right place". To see if they'd complain about how off-putting I sounded, or if they didn't mind.

I couldn't do it. I ended up mute and dumbstruck. I knew it was only a game. Yet, I could not allow myself to lead them astray. I did not want to be that person "causing them harm".

Then I saw an arm reach out to her. I was surprised to see someone looking at me straight in the eye. We were both confused because we thought everyone was supposed to have their eyes closed. She whispered she was a shepherd. Aahhh, the good shepherd. I did not explain I was a bad shepherd, instead mumbled to her about being in the right place, and went back to bad-mooing. I refused to try to grab people again. The shepherd continued to keep everyone together, as well as watched me, but she still did not understand what I was doing.

Then the game ended. It was explained. I apologised to all the cows about my loud and irritating voice. :-)

I was glad the cows followed the voice of the good shepherd. (Not sure if it was part of the game, but) I was also glad when the flock was in danger, the good shepherd intervened and saved them.

John 10:1-21 New International Version (NIV)

The Good Shepherd and His Sheep

10 “Very truly I tell you Pharisees, anyone who does not enter the sheep pen by the gate, but climbs in by some other way, is a thief and a robber. 2 The one who enters by the gate is the shepherd of the sheep. 3 The gatekeeper opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. 4 When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice. 5 But they will never follow a stranger; in fact, they will run away from him because they do not recognize a stranger’s voice.” 6 Jesus used this figure of speech, but the Pharisees did not understand what he was telling them.

7 Therefore Jesus said again, “Very truly I tell you, I am the gate for the sheep. 8 All who have come before me are thieves and robbers, but the sheep have not listened to them. 9 I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved.[a] They will come in and go out, and find pasture. 10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

11 “I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. 12 The hired hand is not the shepherd and does not own the sheep. So when he sees the wolf coming, he abandons the sheep and runs away. Then the wolf attacks the flock and scatters it. 13 The man runs away because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep.

14 “I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me— 15 just as the Father knows me and I know the Father—and I lay down my life for the sheep. 16 I have other sheep that are not of this sheep pen. I must bring them also. They too will listen to my voice, and there shall be one flock and one shepherd. 17 The reason my Father loves me is that I lay down my life—only to take it up again. 18 No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord. I have authority to lay it down and authority to take it up again. This command I received from my Father.”

19 The Jews who heard these words were again divided. 20 Many of them said, “He is demon-possessed and raving mad. Why listen to him?”

21 But others said, “These are not the sayings of a man possessed by a demon. Can a demon open the eyes of the blind?”

First Multi-Day Hike

Two stories - biblical perspectives then practical lessons. Feel free to read either or both. Photos were taken by my travel companions.

I recently completed my first multi-day hike. My experiences in the past were luxurious camping; and a failed group overnight hike that was cut short due to poor preparation. I never thought I would do a hike where I had to carry a week of needs on my shoulders. No sherpa, no tour operator, no shower, no food drops or catering! Our provisions and supplies were only what we packed with us! It seemed "hard-core"!

Oh, I forgot to mention it was also in the MIDDLE of WINTER... ;-)

BIBLICAL

The extreme adventurer in me could not wait to go despite being new and ill-prepared, keen to crash-learn, and comfortable to rely on my companions' winter hiking experience. But a lot happened in the past year which made me keep in check my abilities and motivations. I was scared that I would injure my ankle for the third time and postpone again(!!) my trip to go overseas! I was also unfit and physically weak from a health issue that was still unstable.

I decided (and prayed) unless I had a confirmation from God, I was NOT GOING TO DO IT!! That was a definite change of behaviour. I used to just do what I liked. It was how I achieved many goals. This decision was painful, because I knew I would definitely regret not going, but it was a sacrifice I was willing to make and live with. I also knew God knows my passions and pursuits, my personality. So in His care, I trusted that God's plans were sovereign and most important, and my other passions will follow.

God knew I like confirmations coming from other people. Because I still question how I understand His messages for me, aware of my strong self-centredness, only more understanding and willing to do His promptings mostly if they were for others.

I don't tell anyone when and what I seriously pray for. In this instance, the answer came to me, then from my mentor, and while with my mentee, three days apart.... When I read the passage I prayed back saying, I heard it but I also knew I read the chapter it came come monthly. So I explained I may have pulled it out of memory to suit my needs.... While I was discipling, my mentor rang and quoted the same verse for me. I must stress here she rang me only occasionally, when she felt prompted. I laughed joyfully, explaining God gave me the same verse! It was the second time it happened between us :-)!! She admitted worrying about giving them to me because she knew how much of a risk-taker I am, but she responded obediently. She groaned when I told her what it related to and told me to be careful. I reassured her that I was going to take it as a confirmation; but still I wouldn't do anything (too) foolish, and will not go if it was going to jeopardise my overseas training. I shared the story to my mentee as she overheard my conversation, then the verse came out again while I was mentoring her and explaining prayers (if it was God-centred, versus self-centred) and answered prayers. It was a great testimony for my mentee to witness, praise the Lord!

... It was also the verse that kept me strong during the hike when the going got very very tough. Daily I thanked and praised God whom made me well and strong to actually do the hike. I knew He was with me, because from day one I knew I wasn't health-strong enough for it. My ankle became second priority to my health. I used all surges of energy that came to me. I was surprised! A bit/lot proud!!

My real strength came from real dependence on Him. My companions said I powered through (for us), when it was toughest, like when we walked through the rainstorm and floods. Like a child fully depending on Him, I had fun in the worst weather, being a duck, trudged through the puddles and floods. Immersed in God's wonderful creation, I enjoyed it in all forms/conditions! The spiritual lessons continued - using stars, mountains and valleys, forest and trees, and the different weather conditions faced. I smiled as I read my daily devotion/verses, each connected to what I perused in my mind earlier. :-)

I also met another Christian whom shared his faith with me, and his profession/knowledge. During the hike was the only place where it made sense for us to meet and talk (ahem, not romantically, hahah). I was sure we met for a reason (for myself or another Rach, in the next 5 years) - time will tell this one. :-)

The confirming verse was:

"When you walk, your steps will not be hampered; when you run, you will not stumble." (Proverbs 4:11 NIV)

PRACTICAL

My group hiked over 90 kilometres in the space of 7 days (initially planned a longer 8 day hike but the storm made us rush through and cut off side trips planned for the last 2 days). We walked through rain, sleet, ice, snow, leeches, rocks, slush, mud, et cetera. I ascended and descended for an average of 7 hours each day (including side trips), with a backpack and water/windproof gear on that weighed never less than of 15 kilogram. My wet clothing and drinking water added weight, so although I consumed about 400 grams of food daily from my total of 18 kilogram of gear,  my backpack did not feel much lighter.

Here's a list of what I learned and important lessons.

1. PREPARE well!!! I spent time to learn about correct gear, packing, weather conditions, first aid and food to bring. It was a serious hike. Not only did I have to contend with the challenge of carrying a heavy pack and walking for hours, already a great feat, but also had to factor in the danger of hiking in extreme winter weather.

2. WALKING POLES were life-saving for me. I was super glad I invested in them. Countless times each day I tripped, jumped, climbed and walked awkwardly along paths that were uneven or slushy or slippery, etc. I would have surely injured my weaker ankle on the first day without the poles.

3. Freezer bag meals! I only added hot water to all my breakfasts and dinners. I ate off the biodegradable and resealable bags so I only needed to wash my cutleries and sometimes my mug. I liked that I did not leave any (or left the littlest) trace of my foods down the drain. It was my effort to protect the national park. My meals were also labelled which was good when I was too tired to think.

4. Meals were measured for highest calories for least weight. I avoided instant noodles, instead opted for flavoured couscous and powdered mash potatoes, with tuna or dried meat like salami and chorizo. For breakfast I mixed powdered milk, nuts and muesli - surprisingly delicious so I looked forward to eating them in the morning. For lunch I ate ONE wrap with too much salmon, pate or cheese dips. Next time, I will pack TWO wraps for each lunch.

5. I was 1-2 days short of snacks, had to ration less the last 3 days to make sure I had enough variety chocolate bars, dried fruit slices and some nuts. I did not go hungry, but I could have eaten twice as much snacks each day. I underestimated protein bars. I was not a fan of eating nuts for snacks, best mixed with breakfasts or dinners.

6. Sachets of drinks like hot chocolate, tea and soups were nice for quiet celebratory drinks. The soups helped to add more "oomph" to my dinners. I did not go hungry (I even put on 2 kilograms during the hike!) but I could have eaten more for sure! I had no leftovers!

7. I packed 2 sets of walking thermals. For a week, with baby wipes and clean sleeping clothes, I could have survived with just one thermal pants and long-sleeve shirt. I brought 2 just in case one got wet. Both got wet in the end, but it did not matter I wore wet thermals while walking.

8. Invest in good winter hiking socks that would keep toes warm despite the socks being drenched with water.

9. Moist (not wet) gear could be dried by putting them inside the sleeping bag overnight. Body heat helped to dry my gloves, beanie and sweaty hiking clothes.

10. Biodegradable toothpaste - I forgot to consider it.

11. Don't walk on your knees and hands when climbing the highest summit covered in snow. ;-) I was very scared, freezing fingers, ready to give up! But I learned to "pack in ice" while walking upright, with a group that adopted my team to join their summit climb. They also gave me confidence to push ahead. 

12. Remember to keep the group together. It is not an individual race. Reduce the risk. Watch over each other. Enjoy! :-)

Dancing For Myself

It is past midnight... My knees are tired and quite bruised (hahah). I feel like I'm going to hurt tomorrow. I don't mind. I'm sleepy. I'm also buzzing with calm energy. I'm happy.

A friend invited me to a dance session tonight, and to make sure I would be comfortable, not knowing how I would react, it was explained to me in detail. Basically it was a free-for-all environment where people could dance the way they wanted to to various sounds during the two-hour session. The music changed to various rhythms so it allowed people to be inventive and playful and express how they felt through their dances. Think contemporary movements, I did ;-).

There was no outward worship/praying or "weird spiritual music". There were no profane, violent, political, or sexual lyrics. If there were words, they were positive and rated G (good for kids).  I believe no one was on illegal drugs. There was no alcohol being consumed. The air smelt nicotine-free. All those addictions/obsessions/negativity were left outside of the premise. It was like there was an unspoken rule where the venue was respected to be kept clean. It was purely a space where people whom loves to dance could be themselves and move however they wanted.

I LOVED IT. VERY VERY MUCH!!! VERY. VERY. MUCH.

I felt safe. No one made a pass at me. No one gave me sleazy or competitive looks. My comfort zone was never invaded. My property was casually tossed on a chair with all valuables in the open pockets of my expensive jacket. So were everyone else's belongings. The room oozed of trust.

I felt free to be myself. Only myself, without the masks or identities that we put on when we go to clubs or dance parties. I did not have to fake confidence or pull out my "ubercool". It was alright for the dancers to be dressed down or up, as long as they were comfortable. I wore old plain clothes, like I was in my lounge room dancing or about to go to sleep. Barefeet, with ugly ankle straps on.

I was comfortable. Grounded. Connected to myself. I danced how I loved to dance - only for myself.

*****

It was a NEW experience. I went in without hesitation. I high-fived my friend and went straight into the middle. Excited to just BE dancing! Though lost in my own world, I noted I was club-dancing, semi-choreographed, my usual moves. It took about 30-45 minutes to dance off what I knew, to remove my masks.

It helped when the DJ stopped the music and gathered us around her. She explained how she was going to play the rhythms, while she danced. She expressed emotions felt through movements. Then she went back to her music.

From that time on, a new form of dance broke out from me. I started on the ground, from my sitting position, stretching I think. Instead of dancing, in time and out of time with the music, I MOVED.

I was not in a trance. I was conscious and aware of the change. I blocked off caring how I looked. Slowly or suddenly... movements I never did before, and could not do before, manifested.

I loved it, the weirdness and awkwardness and unnaturalness of it. There was no consciousness to be perfect or powerful or beautiful. If anything, I knew what I wanted to do and how it came out were not as graceful as I hoped. For example, when I slowly kicked my legs up - like how ballerinas do it and keep them floating mid-air, or like capoeira.... I knew my legs were stumpy and heavy like an elephant was trying to dance, glad that I did not fall or twist my hips. But still, I kept doing them. And doing them and doing them!!

At times I went... primal, I guess, or interpretive... and did moves that were more intentionally heavy and/or less dancey. I pictured them intricate, with my eyes closed, but they probably looked confused. It did not matter to me. I allowed my body to do moves I could never do in other floors, like dance with my hands/face always reaching for the ground. I expressed emotions, following the mood of the music. I permitted myself to go along, regardless of whether I was feeling the mood or not, to witness what my body could do and not do.

I prayed silently a couple of times. I wanted to share my adventure with God while I thanked Him for giving me what I needed and depended on Him for my cover and protection. My friend suggested it was like sweating out our prayers :-).

I kept my eyes closed a lot, except when I had to make sure I did not crash into anyone while spinning or kicking or jumping or throwing my arms and body around. A few times I connected for a few seconds with other dancers. It was fun to do a few playful movements then separated. As an elephant on the dance floor I tripped a few (several) times. I even ended up sitting on a girl because I thought I was much much taller than I was and in my mind I was gonna pass my whole body on top of her (she was dancing closer to the ground and I was standing up), but my body was heavy and I landed on her. We laughed about it and she was a good sport.

Anyway, it was a really good experience for me. It must be how artistic/creative dancers feel....? Listening, observing and allowing their body to interpret what it received. Raw. Nice.

I used to think I already dance without caring what people think of me. Nah-ah!... It wasn't until last night, that I truly knew... how it is to dance without caring or showing off. Dancing completely and purely only for myself.