Truce

I am not residing in God's presence as I was three months ago. I realised this today when I found the story "Petulant Helper".

The last time I heard clearly a prompting from God was before June ended, when He told me to approach a return-missionary in our intensive class. I didn't because I was too busy, so I prayed for her instead. The next day I was less busy, sat at the same table as her, remembered the prompting, and told her. She was having a moment with God. I apologised for not responding, she graciously said it was better because she would have cried. But we were both grateful for God's obvious attention and care.... Before then was with my mentor, while in a cafe. I loved that God answered my prayer for Him to help me show her what I meant instead of just talking about it.

I had been much busier and much much more distracted since then. Though I am more conscious of God in my hourly life. I am still busy doing, instead of just being. Even my rest is a strategy, to remove my lack of rest.

I prayed to God, He gave me a few verses in Jeremiah (3?) about 'keeping my feet from going unshod and my throat from thirst, but I said it is hopeless for I love foreigners and after them I go'. God gave hope in saying 'He will not look at me in anger, for He is merciful. And He revealed again that "He will give me shepherds after His own heart...". I wrote the verses here as if God was talking to me.

The problem with above is I understand it with my head, but I think the problem is my heart. I am analysing so much with my head, I am not abiding in His heart.

I brought this problem, that I cannot explain, to God. He knows my prayers even if I don't speak the words.

God gave me 2 Samuel 2:24-29 (see below). I don't like it when God gives me Old Testament Word. I read it only once. They are so hard to understand (with my own mind), too confusing. God help me, but I gave up understanding.

A thought formed in my head.... Attacking or killing or removing the problem is not the focus/motivation. It is the surrendering to Him that He is forging.

???? What???? Where did that thought come from??? Mine or His? I don't know if the verses in context even meant that?? But I'm tired of thinking and battling. I am praying for truce, or rest in Him, whatever it is, as He knows best to give me.... I just want to lie face down on the ground and not think or act. Impossible in my studying season. But I have faith in my undoing through Him.

... Usually here is where I would say, "So forward I go!".... Leftovers of my "carpe diem lifestyle".... I'm gonna stay spiritually lying face-down on the ground this time with God (while I study and live and serve and love in the physical world). God help me. How do I be how you want me to be??

2 Samuel 2:24-28English Standard Version (ESV)24 But Joab and Abishai pursued Abner. And as the sun was going down they came to the hill of Ammah, which lies before Giah on the way to the wilderness of Gibeon. 25 And the people of Benjamin gathered themselves together behind Abner and became one group and took their stand on the top of a hill. 26 Then Abner called to Joab, “Shall the sword devour forever? Do you not know that the end will be bitter? How long will it be before you tell your people to turn from the pursuit of their brothers?” 27 And Joab said, “As God lives, if you had not spoken, surely the men would not have given up the pursuit of their brothers until the morning.” 28 So Joab blew the trumpet, and all the men stopped and pursued Israel no more, nor did they fight anymore.

(** As I physically planted my face on my bed as if I was in the garden with God, I imagined Him picking up my forehead and placing it on His lap. He is so good. Thank you Jesus....)