I’ve learned to be assertive when it comes to answering back
when someone makes a sarcastic, rude or cutting comment (even when I probably deserved it). I became quite good at
it, able to handle situations as kindly to aggressively as I felt needed. I’ve
also learned to control myself for the sake of de-escalating an awkward moment.
Both hopefully handled with maturity and class.
It is never nice to be a receiver of a statement where I
felt offence. Especially when I don’t like the person’s bull. Or the silence in
the group is thick one could cut it. In those times I’m most likely biting my
tongue (counting helps too), but I prefer to put people in their place. It is
hard to swallow the sting that could come out of my mouth, especially the venomous
kinds. Especially when I already have an opinion of the person as a fool! Worse(!!)
when he/she was not one of my friends or colleagues – for example an acquaintance,
or a plus one. So easy to lash out when there is no relationship to repair
later…!
Close friends, in humour(!!!??!?), loved watching me when I
blow out. Lots of praises and jokes after. The scenes get played back or
sensationally retold years later. The women are supportive usually because I was
defending them, or women in general – having a confrontation with any gender.
With the men simply because they thought it was hot (quote unquote, really),
ugh!
As long as your sarcasm includes a hint of what exactly did offend you and it's imbedded into an overall respect (taking the other at least a little bit serious) this could be something positive because it helps both sites to recognize their appearance. Okay, most Brits and Aussies can nor deal with sarcasm; but being a German myself and therefore always happy to use sarcasm and irony myself, I learned that it's helpful to have from time to time a good laugh about yourself, which paves the wave for the other. And thankfully you are very good in having a laugh about yourself. Therefore I guess that there should not be many reasons for you in private life to bit your tongue (completely different story in business). There may be only one exception: As an example a new friend of mine is a really remarkable person, but her body language tells me that she feels very uncomfortable to communicate with me - that's a story which obviously includes a few more unknown layers, therefore an forced communication - especially including sarcasm and irony - can only cause more harm than benefit. That's the only scenario where I force myself systematically to shut up, listen, watch and learn (which is quite tough because I usually love noise, provocative chats with lots of humour).
ReplyDeleteWhen people (and I) have something that could be offensive to say, I prefer plain honesty, after ensuring that it is necessary to reprimand or be rude. I don’t like to layer or hide behind a half-meant joke or sarcasm or by beating around the bush. I know twisting/spicing things up is fun like a game (e.g. art of war) and feels intelligent for some people. I have had my enjoyment during my younger days when I used to catch people into heated discussions over issues where I felt they were narrow-minded; or they never considered the provocative topics. I was known for debating the opposite of people’s opinions, despite silently agreeing with them, coz I wanted to ensure the views coming out of their mouths were really theirs and not just repeated after being heard elsewhere. I’m sure my sarcasm, dark wit, back-handed comments, tactlessness and irony offended many people. You would have loved me then(?), hahahah. Now I prefer to get my excitement from other good-clean-fun activities instead then peaceful life after. I don’t enjoy talks anymore, preferring actions. I have no patience, time or interest in subterfuge. I’m happy for others to do that amongst themselves, not including me ;-). I also believe in keeping my opinions in if I don’t have anything good to say about people. Hard when opinionated and capable of being judgemental like me, but possible. However, the higher goal is to encourage and to be a positive effect on people, so I try to keep my actions reflective of such. I try to be the same with friends and colleagues too, the same Rachelle all the time. You’ve heard my sarcasm, dry humour and irony, but the victim is usually I or no one specific (still working on my tactlessness). Hence why (maybe) it is funny…??!? ;-)
ReplyDeleteIf you go on like that, you risk to become German :-P
ReplyDeleteI like your approach of being direct and honest – even if it includes the risk of temporary tensions. Of course that requires the ability to stick to the situation having become uncomfortable, giving a chance for clarification – which requires communication. And you are really good in communicating – that’s what currently impresses me most about you.
Nevertheless you seem to miss one aspect in your explanation: The plurality of the other site. People you talk with could be very much different by points of sensibility, the way they read your words and personal background (which could result e.g. into very surprising inside knowledge about topics you may not guess to be present in the first place). Okay, I am stupid and have no knowledge ;-) but I learned especially from the folks of your church that there are many being shy, but are indeed damn smart and have at least twice as much brain cells than I myself.
That teaches me a lot about my own way of communication: That I often hit into bleeding wounds without knowing because I did not took the time to learn about that person in the first place. I see nothing bad in being judgemental, but there should always be some learning upfront and a big question mark afterwards.
If you had been happy to deliver verbally straight and direct, you may have caused the same impact as I did and sometimes still do (see e.g. your blog about inspiration where I kicked it hard to make a point [btw: good return]). If you ask now for actions only, you risk skipping some chances to learn about the others – or even more basic: Which are those actions the other is capable to do at all in context of that person’s environment (job, vacation days, physical condition, relationship, family etc.).
Regards keeping opinions in if nothing good to say (at the moment): I agree regards strangers, non-related people or persons of no interest. But I totally disagree regards all people who indeed mean something to me, people which are important to me. Only if I address what I do not like, I can learn more about the reason and background of that appearance – most times this makes me being the one learning and changing my mind, learning about the other and gaining a better understanding. Of course in those cases it’s all about HOW to address this – that’s where I suck most; but I noticed that’s exactly where you have your stronghold.
This should minimize the risk that you may do the same mistakes as I did ;-)
Making this ‘comment’ becoming even longer – gosh, already more text than the original blog - I guess the ‘real’ driver behind our little excursion is age – in a positive way. Your subconscious may have noticed that it is a lot of effort to deal with many, many people having in mind what we discussed above. A simple conclusion may arise: There is NO way to be a ‘fluffy’ friend with everybody – but it’s better to have a smaller number of ‘really close’ friends. My gut feeling is that you may be currently on the move somewhere half between these two notions.
Anyway, because you are already questioning yourself and because you have a great humour especially regards laughing about yourself – you get a big thumbs up from me, honestly!
Zu spat (I don't have those "double dot" letters)! Ich bin schon Deutsch. Hahahah.
ReplyDeleteIn bezug auf "Inspiration", war es Sie? Ich bin uberrascht. Ich wusste es nicht. Mussten Ihren kommentar hier zu lesen, um die nachricht zu verstehen. Keiner dieser stellen bezogen sich auf unseren sitzungen. Eine Dame konnte einige ritter immer verwenden. Dank. :-)
Wow. Well done. Hopefully you do not expect a response in Spanish ;-)
ReplyDeleteI really love reading this blog.
ReplyDeleteVielen Dank Rachelle und Vielen Dank mein deutscher Freund ;-)
Please don't stop...Weitermachen Bitte...
Love you guys.
K.