Biting My Tongue

I’ve learned to be assertive when it comes to answering back when someone makes a sarcastic, rude or cutting comment (even when I probably deserved it). I became quite good at it, able to handle situations as kindly to aggressively as I felt needed. I’ve also learned to control myself for the sake of de-escalating an awkward moment. Both hopefully handled with maturity and class.

It is never nice to be a receiver of a statement where I felt offence. Especially when I don’t like the person’s bull. Or the silence in the group is thick one could cut it. In those times I’m most likely biting my tongue (counting helps too), but I prefer to put people in their place. It is hard to swallow the sting that could come out of my mouth, especially the venomous kinds. Especially when I already have an opinion of the person as a fool! Worse(!!) when he/she was not one of my friends or colleagues – for example an acquaintance, or a plus one. So easy to lash out when there is no relationship to repair later…!

Close friends, in humour(!!!??!?), loved watching me when I blow out. Lots of praises and jokes after. The scenes get played back or sensationally retold years later. The women are supportive usually because I was defending them, or women in general – having a confrontation with any gender. With the men simply because they thought it was hot (quote unquote, really), ugh!

I don’t always come out feeling good about it. I sometimes feel like a fool myself for not tolerating the other fool. However, I also sometimes wished I spoke up when I didn’t. Those feel worse for me. But I get over them, never bothered for more than 12 hours (unless there's a relationship to repair, ack, which I work on straight away). I am appeased (a dash of humour and a pinch of sarcasm here) by the fact that I know there will be countless other instances where I would again have to make the decision “to, or not to”. You’ve been warned ;-).

The Spirit of Giving

Sometimes we do extra kindness for people and they are not even aware of the efforts taken to do them. I'm not talking about random acts of kindness. I'm talking about repeated and targeted kindness. From keeping in touch, making them comfortable, easing their discomforts, to show them love, to let them know they deserve it, to share understanding of a better existence, for life's simple enjoyment, and many more.

Sometimes people don't understand why we bother, even arising in suspicions in their minds. But when we continue to do them, knowing we may not get praise, not motivated by other people's recognition and acclaim, not for reasons fuelled by our vested interests, when it is all about them and it is not about us, despite the kindness being "abused" or receiving negative responses... then we'd understand the spirit of giving.

Inactive and Unproductive

For about 2 months now (60 days!) I was forced to adjust my lifestyle due to an ankle injury.

Here's a quick breakdown of the activities I had to quit:

• Weekly: Boxercise, Gym Circuit, and Krav Maga x2
• Fortnightly to monthly swimming lessons with the goal to learn skills needed to swim strongly at sea with people around me, to assess if I could join a triathlon. We/I aimed for Ironman, but would need to compete in smaller events first to qualify.
• Swimming (tender scar tissue concerns, etc)
• Dragonboating practice (1-2 weekly) to prepare for April 2013 competition
• Training for Tough Mudder event this weekend (Jan 2013)
• Bicycling, to learn skills for Ironman etc, for fun, and prepare for the Great Victorian Bike Ride to be held in November 2013
• Horseback-riding, for fun and grace ;-)
• Golf, because I thought I was "mellowed" and "calm" enough now to give it a second chance....??? :-)
• Cooking (I could not shop for inspiration and to buy the ingredients I needed; and still uncomfortable to linger/stand in the kitchen)
• Photography lessons (a whim, since I am surrounded by avid photographer friends)
• Ukelele/Guitar lessons (not to pursue the art, I just want to look cool, hahahah!)

Gosh! It does seem like a lot.... I can imagine some friends getting tired just imagining all those exercises!!!??! But for me, when I do them, they are manageable....

I also had these other commitments that were much affected or were not performed:

• Work (Quite busy, complex and brain-demanding roles, I was away for several weeks!)
• Online "Teaching English as a Foreign Language" Course to complete (150hrs+ left to do plus assignment and final assessment, not attempted)
• Mentoring (fortnightly, we met once)
• Church (I do like to go every Sunday, not for the practice, but for the teachings. I write notes and reflect.)
• This blog (it takes time and concentration to post/waffle)
• Relational stuff. People need our time and attention. There's not enough time in a day for everyone and myself.
• Volunteer service (they never felt like work)
• Books and notes to read, for studies and for relaxation

I managed a few inspired cooking. I struggled yet finished reading about 4 books. When friends could pick me up I went to church or went out to socialise. I was grateful for the distractions and interactions, but all efforts were still physically and mentally tiring. I attended my medical appointments, which tired-knocked me out each time. I have just started going back to work (ugh!), but today I had to take a sick leave again, my ankle in pain/swollen from yesterday's treatment, gggrrrr!

I sound like I'm whining because I am. I feel inactive and unproductive. Physically the restrictions of my movement makes me feel very uneven. I feel gluggy and heavier, not because I put on more weight, but because only my arms and a leg are working out, lugging the rest of my body along. Everything takes three to four times longer!  I am tired but I am not getting the "rush" I used to get after a good workout. Just always tired....

I feel like I am "behind schedule", even though I was living a "no plans" life. I opened myself up to being lead to a different role, which presented these commitments I thought I was meant to participate in. But I suddenly feel unfruitful or blocked in those areas. I do not have the drive and mental strength to study or work further than my employment, too caught up with trying to rest at the end of the day. I end up staying in bed, which is great and relaxing for a few days/weeks... but unhealthy, more tiring, and makes me too lazy after a while.

My friends says it is a sign to slow down. To readjust my lifestyle. The thing is, I was much happier when I was busy and getting things done. There was nothing to readjust. I balanced life well. And when I didn't, I re-examined my activities and prioritised more on the commitments. My physical activities, though they seemed action-packed and strenuous, gave me the energy to attempt/perform my studies, services and commitments.

I am learning to adapt to my situation, peeling off old perspectives and how I measured activity and productivity. I prayed for my five (guidance, wisdom, strength, courage, serenity/peace) and continued opening myself up to challenges and changes. I was presented with other opportunities. Alone I feel incapable but with/for God I am encouraged. I could see the lessons and experiences I would learn from them in tune to my future and preparing me. I am complaining still, but I started to understand the value of this temporary state. A friend said even though I am lame, I am not an idle worker. Encouraging, hahahah.

Focusing on the bigger plan, not mine, I have accepted that I may not finish the English Teaching course. My ego initially could not handle the failure. I never/rarely failed when the outcomes were positive or advantageous. But I am certain my concentration is being diverted to other challenges/opportunities, so I (my ego) yielded. Saying that, the Miss-Can-Do-It-All in me has not given up "the fight"...ack... but this personal whim will be secondary. It's not even failure, really, just choices. Realignment of decisions and choices. :-)

With regards the lack of exercise, I refused to rut. It's important that I maintain a healthy and strong body for as long as I can, to do my/our work and share life. I spoke to my sports physiotherapists yesterday. They've convinced me enough that I need to stop using my foot/ankle to let the other tissues heal/stiffen up. With a very back-to-basics "exercise regime" in place for the ankle, I will hopefully be at least in top (though no longer perfect) form. I was also given a go-ahead to exercise the rest of my body in any way I can BUT off my left foot and wearing the CAM boot! Lifting weights and cautious stationary cycling were approved. I will be a funny sight, but it is just another challenge I am happy to face, just so I could be physically active again. :-)

Inspiration

I've been appreciating a lot of people lately. I feel blessed to be surrounded by very inspiring people. What I love about these specific individuals is that they are not the ones usually highlighted and talked about as inspirational characters. They are not outlandish or outspoken. They do not wear flashy clothes or drive fancy cars. They rarely stand out from the crowd, are not extroverts and even very quiet. They are so unassuming that we do not rush to meet them in a social setting. Barely, if not at all, noticing them. Underestimated.

I thought I was nice to make time to get to know them. I thought I'd be bored. But I was the one who ended up being lucky that they let me be their friend. I could learn so much from them. I value the inspirations that they could generate from being themselves. Most of them are individuals I met through church. One of them from outside the faith. Different ages, different walks of lives. All of same heart, inspired to love with action.

Thank you for sharing and letting me be part of your lives. :-)

Top Tens - Summer 2013

Ten Things I Love/Appreciate

1. I appreciate friends. I needed them and relying on them more now.... So much kindness. ☺

2. I love my Bible. I didn't recognise this until last week. I was pleasantly surprised. It is my most leafed-through and most engrossedly-studied book; and one of the major essentials I carry with me when I travel overseas. ♥ Interestingly, it is a hand-me-down (without maps). I've been considering purchasing another travel-hardy one with maps, etcetera.
3. I appreciate (the power of) prayers. I'm still learning - to focus, to elaborate, or to be specific (compared to casually conversing, or quickly in point forms). There's no "strict rule on how to pray" to follow. I just nowadays value and love the private communions. I still prefer to be quiet during public praying, but love being part of the group. ♥
4. I appreciate that I could survive on very simple foods, hahahah!
5. I appreciate strong internet access and my netbook (both kept me company while I healed in "solitary" confinement for several weeks).
6. I love (takeaway) home-cooked meals prepared by friends. ♥
7. I appreciate free (good enough) movies online, especially the foreign arthouse films with English subtitles. ☺♥
8. I love that I succeeded on a personal challenge to not purchase new possessions for myself last year (except for self-defence training gear and a Vietnam flag t-shirt that I wore on the Mount Fansipan Summit to commemorate the achievement). It was a hard test but I proved I did not need more stuff. ☺♥
9. I would love to continue not shopping except for necessities.... I bought one item since the new year, replacing the leggings I ruined during my recent travels. My new one is so well made (ordered through a friend's sister all the way from Korea!) and thicker with a mini-skirt attached to keep my modesty from behind. Ladies do check that please! I've seen too many sheer leggings worn on their own, and really, not a good look.
10. I appreciate the challenge of "letting go of stuff". Filtering what's important and true/honest. This is also very hard, making me face fully some harsh and confronting issues. I want/need to face them, for my own good and to be better. It is great for healing and restoration/rejuvenation, which I love. ♥♥

Ten Things I Miss/Dislike

1. I miss floating or wading freely and amphibiously in water. My leg and ankle are being treated for injuries, advising against sun exposure and uneven grounds or waves. Thankfully now, I can at least stand in indoor pools (shallow end) and warm spas (with the wound off the water if possible). With doctor's approval, woohoo! ☺♥

2. I dislike being inactive. I already feel unfit and gluggy.

3. I miss full mobility. The little lifestyle adjustments I've adopted added up and are tiring.

4. I dislike that I am struggling to do my TEFL online course. I have not started!! Lacking motivation(?) or distracted(?), but also other challenges/opportunities are presented that requires more attention.

5. I dislike spiritual warfare.

6. I miss my mentor. She has been a gift and is a blessing.

7. I miss other mentors (I am still searching for appropriate ones), for other ventures/opportunities.

8. I dislike not knowing how to ride a motorbike. I will try to learn and get my license this year. Hhhhmmm... maybe I should have kept my motorcycle helmet... ack!

9.

10.

Ten Wishes/Prayers

1. To have reconstructive surgery, if it is best option.

2. To heal well and fully.

3. To have (undeniable) clarity on where to place my efforts.
4. To not be lead by my own plans/fears/insecurities/over-confidence.
5. Courage
6. Submission
7. For the last (biz) issue with old partner to be fully finalised this year instead of in 4 years!
8. To not under-perform at work. I love it and it (plus my colleagues) has been great to me.
9. That opportunities keeps coming and presenting itself.

10. That when these opportunities arise, I respond rightly.