* This was embarrassing to share! I wrote it in good humour, laughing at myself and shaking my head as I typed. But my penchance for melodrama, or maybe the way I describe without writing or journalistic training, made it as you will soon read.... ugh *rolling eyes*! I captured a fraction of living (we all go through), where I felt a significant tug and I stood still. *
This month felt like I was playing a character in a television drama. You know, similar to those scenarios where, at the start of the season, I made a hard decision to stand up for myself (heartspeak), for what I believed I deserved (mindspeak). For something I shouldn’t compromise (mindspeak). And to correct what I felt was wrong with me (heartspeak) - I needed time with myself, to be the person I preferred to live with. All those plots combined, with wishful thinking (the heart wished it, really…) that somehow the other party’s reactions will still make it a “happy ending”.
Hard decisions required strong actions (with compassion and/or with conviction and/or with self-protection). In this case, it was to make a “simple” choice after taking in too many considerations – fight or flight reaction – which was it going to be? I allowed my mind to decide, rather than my usual heart. I thought it was the mature thing to do.
The season did not have a happy ending. I took various signs as confirmation that I made the correct decision. Still, the heart took longer to let go, as it held on to the hope of what was wonderful about the other party. But I refused to listen to it and chase after it, and accepted the consequences of my action.
Many episodes forward. Events and people brought in light or dark colours to our separate lives. A good friendship was somehow maintained, because really if layers of social intricacies were removed, (maybe) both parties were remembering/feeling the glimpses of the past that had so much future promise, if only (insert all reasons, uncompromises and excuses here)…. If only.
To keep the viewers (me) stirred, I found out something that sparked the possibility of a happier ending. It seemed the other party wanted it too, but reacted in character to my decisions, which I understand better now. Excitedly I willed myself to bare all. This time my heart was going to lead. Ready to express how I truly felt candidly, a loving feedback. But like a twist that could get the show nominated to receive awards for excellent script-writing…. The poems stopped short at the tip of my tongue. I decided at the last millisecond that the other party’s actions/speeches were, again, sending a different message. Quietly struck by the reminders of why I did what I did in the first place. Harsh confirmations, because my heart felt almost stupid. But my mind consoled its long-term friend, with words of wisdom, appreciating the beautiful mess.
This season, the main character has let go (not assuming/judging, walking forward), regardless of factual possibilities of happiness. Both parties need to believe and be willing to take a step of faith towards it, at the same time, for it to work. Sometimes our hearts’ languages speak such different dialects to whoever it chose, that offering full love (more than plain ease of sharing love) become too high a mountain to walk. Like a loved bird that's been set free, if it comes back it will be mine, but if not it never was. My mind knew it then. My heart took a while.... ;-)
