Dancing For Myself

It is past midnight... My knees are tired and quite bruised (hahah). I feel like I'm going to hurt tomorrow. I don't mind. I'm sleepy. I'm also buzzing with calm energy. I'm happy.

A friend invited me to a dance session tonight, and to make sure I would be comfortable, not knowing how I would react, it was explained to me in detail. Basically it was a free-for-all environment where people could dance the way they wanted to to various sounds during the two-hour session. The music changed to various rhythms so it allowed people to be inventive and playful and express how they felt through their dances. Think contemporary movements, I did ;-).

There was no outward worship/praying or "weird spiritual music". There were no profane, violent, political, or sexual lyrics. If there were words, they were positive and rated G (good for kids).  I believe no one was on illegal drugs. There was no alcohol being consumed. The air smelt nicotine-free. All those addictions/obsessions/negativity were left outside of the premise. It was like there was an unspoken rule where the venue was respected to be kept clean. It was purely a space where people whom loves to dance could be themselves and move however they wanted.

I LOVED IT. VERY VERY MUCH!!! VERY. VERY. MUCH.

I felt safe. No one made a pass at me. No one gave me sleazy or competitive looks. My comfort zone was never invaded. My property was casually tossed on a chair with all valuables in the open pockets of my expensive jacket. So were everyone else's belongings. The room oozed of trust.

I felt free to be myself. Only myself, without the masks or identities that we put on when we go to clubs or dance parties. I did not have to fake confidence or pull out my "ubercool". It was alright for the dancers to be dressed down or up, as long as they were comfortable. I wore old plain clothes, like I was in my lounge room dancing or about to go to sleep. Barefeet, with ugly ankle straps on.

I was comfortable. Grounded. Connected to myself. I danced how I loved to dance - only for myself.

*****

It was a NEW experience. I went in without hesitation. I high-fived my friend and went straight into the middle. Excited to just BE dancing! Though lost in my own world, I noted I was club-dancing, semi-choreographed, my usual moves. It took about 30-45 minutes to dance off what I knew, to remove my masks.

It helped when the DJ stopped the music and gathered us around her. She explained how she was going to play the rhythms, while she danced. She expressed emotions felt through movements. Then she went back to her music.

From that time on, a new form of dance broke out from me. I started on the ground, from my sitting position, stretching I think. Instead of dancing, in time and out of time with the music, I MOVED.

I was not in a trance. I was conscious and aware of the change. I blocked off caring how I looked. Slowly or suddenly... movements I never did before, and could not do before, manifested.

I loved it, the weirdness and awkwardness and unnaturalness of it. There was no consciousness to be perfect or powerful or beautiful. If anything, I knew what I wanted to do and how it came out were not as graceful as I hoped. For example, when I slowly kicked my legs up - like how ballerinas do it and keep them floating mid-air, or like capoeira.... I knew my legs were stumpy and heavy like an elephant was trying to dance, glad that I did not fall or twist my hips. But still, I kept doing them. And doing them and doing them!!

At times I went... primal, I guess, or interpretive... and did moves that were more intentionally heavy and/or less dancey. I pictured them intricate, with my eyes closed, but they probably looked confused. It did not matter to me. I allowed my body to do moves I could never do in other floors, like dance with my hands/face always reaching for the ground. I expressed emotions, following the mood of the music. I permitted myself to go along, regardless of whether I was feeling the mood or not, to witness what my body could do and not do.

I prayed silently a couple of times. I wanted to share my adventure with God while I thanked Him for giving me what I needed and depended on Him for my cover and protection. My friend suggested it was like sweating out our prayers :-).

I kept my eyes closed a lot, except when I had to make sure I did not crash into anyone while spinning or kicking or jumping or throwing my arms and body around. A few times I connected for a few seconds with other dancers. It was fun to do a few playful movements then separated. As an elephant on the dance floor I tripped a few (several) times. I even ended up sitting on a girl because I thought I was much much taller than I was and in my mind I was gonna pass my whole body on top of her (she was dancing closer to the ground and I was standing up), but my body was heavy and I landed on her. We laughed about it and she was a good sport.

Anyway, it was a really good experience for me. It must be how artistic/creative dancers feel....? Listening, observing and allowing their body to interpret what it received. Raw. Nice.

I used to think I already dance without caring what people think of me. Nah-ah!... It wasn't until last night, that I truly knew... how it is to dance without caring or showing off. Dancing completely and purely only for myself.