Old Lady

I not long ago had an encounter with an old lady that was very unpleasant. It made me very sad, affected, and cried several tears.

I thought I dealt with it well, with the right heart.

I saw her again a couple of days ago. I remembered how quickly I forgave her. I felt glad/pride for it, and immediately congratulated myself for reacting out of love (then).

I could tell she was alone, and looked a little grumpy (her usual demeanour, which to be frank, was off-putting). I remembered what she said about where we were, what she thought of the people, and how she did not feel welcome at that place (to put it lightly). I thought, she must still want to reach out, despite her many complaints and undesirable opinions, despite how she was towards me, despite the difficulty being possibly that she is difficult, and despite her gruffness, because she still attended. I knew there was a lot of truth to what she said (about the place not being very welcoming), but something still made her go. That could be an opportunity or a door for change.

But in spite of feeling strongly to reach out to her, I did not. I remembered my pain, it flashed fully in front of us, then suddenly I could not feel my legs and arms, and my mouth was mute. Only my gaze followed her, as she walked into a room, and as she passed me when she stepped out 5 minutes later. I was ashamed. I knew I reacted out of pain. I realised I did not give her the love I thought I did when I said/believed I did.

*********************************

I have reacted out of pain countless times before. Many of those decisions produced positive results. On the other side, I have reacted out of love before that also produced destructive results. I'm sure we've all had those experiences. To me what pushed or drove the changes to people that empowered or improved them (and others around them) is mostly irrelevant. I just love that people took those steps to be better, where being better was necessary or healthier.

I know a lot of people who are inspiring because they turned their pains into worthy causes, being obvious beacons of light and strongholds for those who are struggling. I could never compare to their compassion, patience and heart.

.... It is very interesting where we get our motivations from. What drives us daily and unconsciously....

My preference is to react out of love. Even if it was uprooted from pain. I've had multiple turns at this now, so I can kinda tell where I am reacting from. When it is out of love, despite feeling some pangs of remorse or regret or heartaches or loss - I feel at peace. I really do. When I am reacting out of pain, then obviously I don't keep my peace. I am more consumed by my heartache, and I can actually feel myself trying to protect myself from further pain (imagined or not). It is harder to let go, to accept, and to allow for changes to occur.

Like the story with the old lady above.

... The worst she could do is tell me again what I already knew were her opinions. The sting I know will lessen as I consciously try to react out of love. I highlighted "consciously" because as we know (or as I decided), love is hard work and a proactive choice. Given freely with the right heart.