Help

This week I was made aware of my alleged "inability to ask for help". I'm not talking about "little help" like being taught how to cook carrot and lentils soup (so easy, but yet to make, hahah!) or asking how to tackle a task at work. Those are more like favours or gifts, like asking someone to wait for you because you are going to be late; getting a ride home; or being invited for dinner and getting fed home-cooked meals.

I was reminded by some friends that I could/should have asked them when I needed "big help" such as borrowing a car and asking another person to move my things to my new place. Or to call someone when I needed a friend instead of toughing it out alone. They knew I am more than capable; but I should not and do not need (to pretend) to be, or work hard, at being tough. I helped other people but I do not let other people know when there is a chance to help me back.

I don't think this is fully true, but I understood what they meant. I have thought about this a lot too, and noticed I did/do have a tendency to do things on my own, or silently. Main reasons were:

1. I did not want to be a burden
Everyone has problems, and never-ending tasks to do. A part of me felt if I asked for help it took people away from other tasks in their lives they also needed to do. So even if it was a little bit (okay, also a lot) harder or longer, since I was able, there was no reason why I could not undertake them on my own.

2. I was embarrassed to ask for help
Weakness was something I pushed against as I grew up to survive as well as to improve my life and surroundings. I remember truly disliking being helpless, so I took actions to not be in the same position again. In general, I was also uncomfortable explaining why I needed the help, as I needed to keep my privacy. To ask for help meant the possibility of revealing my situation at the time.

3. A sense of achievement
The combination of number 2 and the feeling of satisfaction from seeing the results of my hardwork made me happy and grateful. As I gained more life skills, I guess I became more confident and proud. Pride then I guess made me think, since I was no longer helpless, and I seemed to cope well on my own anyway, there was no reason for me bother and burden other people with my troubles.

4. Things got done faster or better
I felt I really had the knack to fix a lot of my problems and reached most of my goals. Plus I helped other people to achieve their goals too.

5. I did not want to deal with disappointment and let down
I had many disappointments from other people (didn't we all!). We all know the pain of being let down especially by the people we trusted the most, and our kindness being abused (or taken for granted) by those who were more takers than givers. I had also been placed in problematic situations by people who did not deliver the help as promised. So to obtain desired outcomes, the only way I thought I could guarantee ending the problems was by me doing the work myself (which pointed back to number 4).

6. Accepted the pretence or change of heart
People don't know (of course!) that when I asked for help, it was really uncomfortable for me but I admitted to needing it. I had made a few mistakes of assuming someone was truly willing to help (even declared it loudly to me), but it was not really in their hearts to do so. Or they were really more focused on their own life. Or their relationships with other people were more important to them (than with me). Fast forward, they faded away from the picture.

HOWEVER, in spite of all that, I was blessed with wonderful people, whom with their help made it possible for me to be where I am now - with all my experiences and in my current situation. Examples are abundant and most generous:

- a friend deposited and left a lot of money in my account while I was overseas to lessen the interests charged and to avoid bank penalties on a debt that was under my name
- friends welcomed me and let me live in their house for free for several months while I resettled
- a friend force-fed me when I could not eat after the death of a family member
- a friend offered to buy a real estate property with me (most of the downpayment not mine, but I still would own half) to get me back on track financially or to kickstart my investments
- a friend told me to go home (willing to pay for my ticket without asking me if I needed it, as long as I knew I could get out) when I was in my "dark moments"
- a friend picked me up at the airport after midnight at short notice, after I chose to visit my friend's country again instead of going home
- friends made sure the big car was available to help move to my stuff, and bought a bedframe for my new place (the one before where I am now)
- friends secured and stored stuff I unintentionally left overseas, even though they probably did not have much space in their homes
- a friend/colleague offered to negotiate with the bank for me to get the same interest rate (higher than advertised) my friend is getting on cash investments (my friend has bargaining power with the bank, lots of investments and strong relationship)

A special mention, when I had no choice but to need help - six strangers took good care of me when I was detained, and made sure I was treated well while I was under their care (one of them even defended me when I was about to leave, from someone who assumed the reasons I was held, and ensured that that someone understood the situation). I remember only two names from their group, but my interactions with all of them imbedded in my memories.

I am most grateful to their selfless giving - people at work, the people I met through the years, and to my best friends. They wanted to help even when I didn't ask, or they didn't have a lot to offer. They gave when I needed the help the most. No begging, no explanations, all out of kindness. Because of them I became more comfortable to admit my weakness and my needs. I did not accept a lot of help offered but it was humbling, touching and relieving to be given them as options. Thank you. Even the words "thank you" does not feel enough to convey how much I appreciated what they've all done for me and this lesson they made me learn.

...I know there are many people out there like me. It is good to be you, keep up the good work. Just be mindful of how far you (unnecessarily) push yourself. This year especially, I have been made aware that it is okay to yield instead of fight life's hardships and trials. Be very responsible, celebrate your achievements, but allow yourself to admit needing help. Don't be afraid to take a chance on people. You do not have to carry your world alone on your shoulder. For every five or ten people that will disappoint, many more or one will satisfy or please you, and make you happy you asked for help.