Saturday, 13 July 2013

The (Non-)Challenge of Eating on $1.50 Daily in a Richer Country


I spent $3 to buy all of these. The most expensive were the bananas for $1 a kilo. The rest cost $2. 

It made me wonder, will it really be hard for me to live on $1.50 a day? 

I hear people discuss this every so often, in my first world country. It is not a new concept. I tested living on $7 a week for 4 weeks when I was single between high school and university, more than 15 years ago. I found it easy then.

I believe, I will still find it easy now.


I say this with reflections to my "researches", when I explored countries considered poorer than where I am blessed to reside. I liked going to local markets and supermarkets. I liked finding out how much basic necessities cost like toiletries, spices, food oil, fruits, grains, meats and vegetables. Sometimes they were hard to find, so if I got to befriend the cooks/chefs in restaurants or in the streets, I ask them about prices of onions and eggs or pepper and salt.

I found out that:
  • in many less-affluent countries toiletries such as toothpaste, shampoo, conditioner, and luxury goods; such as shaving creams, sunscreen lotion, and shower gels are more expensive than in my home country; or the sold for almost the same price. [I know, these are not food, but still amazes me that it is so.]
  • fruits and vegetables fluctuate in price comparisons - sometimes cheaper, sometimes similar to normal prices or sale prices back home (see photo above), and sometimes shockingly expensive.
  • the difference is in the quality - as in freshness, packaging and sizes.
  • poultry and fishes were usually cheaper or similar to sale (only) prices, but the quality again varied.
  • food seems cheaper compared to home because the mark-up is much less when sold in restaurants (labour costs, insurances, bills, etc) or because we look at it from the perspective of our budgets (e.g. salary per hour), not the budget/living standards of the people who were living there.
  • we are spoilt for choice with foods coming from various countries to our (super)markets DAILY.
  • foods/goods are moved faster and delivered to us packaged, frozen and fresh; whilst other countries do not have the infrastructure nor the storage facilities to accommodate such spoils.
  • I don't recall ever seeing "half-price" to practically giving away sales; foods were always paid at market or bargained prices.
  • I never survived on spending only $1.50 a day on my meals while I travelled. Was I charged foreigner prices? Not every meal, yet at mimimum I spent $5 per day. However, I rarely cooked my own food.

A lot of people say it will be cheaper and easier to live in poorer countries. Granted, there is a lot of truth to it. There are great benefits of lower living costs such as accommodation, healthcare, transportation,etc. But I am specifically musing over the topic of food costs in this post. It isn't hard to eat cheaper in richer countries. Most people instead don't notice or pay attention to it. The beauty of being able to afford. We can enjoy the the quality of our food, in abundance. We want and enjoy the freedom to choose how to satisfy our hunger - cheaply to ridiculously. We want to be able to eat out. Those are the spoils and luxury, we have no strong need nor care to let go.

I became painfully aware that the majority of people who were "middle-to-low-income-earners" living in those countries, were sometimes paying the same amount or more for goods/foods we take for granted. But first-world-low-income-earners are earning much more than them. Hence why we love the fact that we get so much for our dollar in many countries, and take advantage of it during our travels.

In my home country where food is generally expensive, people would assume spending $1.50 on food daily is impossible. It is absolutely, if bought daily. One could afford one meal a day, but not three main meals. But with an equal budget for a week ($10.50) on hand, this is very easy. A monthly budget could allow one to laugh through the experience. Staples like pasta, potatoes, bread or rice could be bought in bulk enough for weeks, and they are always on sale. Premium beef mince was being sold for $3.50 per kilo (half-price) when I passed the meat section just before closing time. A dozen huge eggs could be purchased for $4.00 in the supermarket, cheaper elsewhere, and even cheaper when on sale.

There is huge variety of choices and oversupply to choose from. There are constantly sales in the markets and supermarkets. A lot of times they are practically giving food away [side note, I know of places that provides unlimited free healthy/delicious breakfasts and lunches; and some including free dinners]. We may not eat our favourites and indulgences, or we may have to wait for the opportunities when they go on sale, but we will still eat well in comparison. We may not eat balanced and healthy all the time, but we will still survive very well. The portions we eat may be smaller, but I doubt we will become under-nourished.
 
To see how it is in other countries.... click here.... For them it is much much tougher. But we know that already.... :-/


Thursday, 13 June 2013

Answered Prayers

I always joke, "be careful what you pray for (because you just might get it)".

This is true in my case, all my life, as far as I can remember. Well, not all the time, because I have different levels of prayers, and I don't see all the results. Sometimes I pray to God on the run and/or I'm very distracted that I don't even finish the sentences in my head (I call them bullet point conversations). Sometimes I couldn't even "talk", I just felt my emotions, in His presence. Other times I only questioned. There were times when I prayed randomly/specifically/on request for people/events/places. Other times I made requests/pleaded/lamented/demanded.

I noticed those intentional prayers where I knew/felt both my mind and my heart spoke it, when I really asked for guidance, wisdom, clarity, clues, help... were answered. I was shocked time and time again that I received an immediate reply!! Some answers were subtle but obvious, and as I walked into them, were confirmed. Other answers were strong and "in my face" that I was either challenged or empowered to take them on!

I always questioned those "answers". I looked at the source (people, readings, experiences, lightbulb moments, etc) and I examined my reactions. I analysed my emotions, interests and motivations. I also prayed even more. Especially for those that really freaked me out, hahahah!

.... It has been more interesting lately, because people (individuals) are witnessing or experiencing the same things with me. We discussed the hearts of what we wanted to pray for and immediately, at times within minutes, we got the reply! Really amazing!

Now, we are very grateful, and nervously laughing. We take our "deep, heartful requests" very seriously!

We are becoming careful of what we pray for, because we keep receiving them! :-)

******

.... Because of above, I am scared to pray this prayer wholeheartedly from Psalm139, hahahah, ack! I want to, but I'm scared to, hahahah ugh. I'm anxious of what will happen if I specifically tell God to test me. I think I can handle giving Him free/full reign to lead me. However, though they are linked, I am not quite ready to confront all my ways that are offensive to Him. Just in case God really takes me on my challenge!!??! :-)

Search me, O God, and know my heart!
    Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting!

Saturday, 1 June 2013

Brother

Today we are celebrating my brother's birthday.

I want to give him something, but I don't know what.... I'm gonna take the easy way out and hand him cash in an envelope.

But that's not enough. It does not communicate how much I love him. He knows because I tell him every chance I could. That, too, is still not enough.

He is a very private and very quiet man, so I will not share much.

I am thankful for his presence in my life. He does not ask much, yet so generous of anything he can give. He does not say much, but he thinks and cares for us - burdened with love/worry for (five, but mostly) four women in his family who are too free-spirited, (non)emotional, and flighty (direction-less?).

Even though we were only 3 years apart in age, and we fought as kids, he has been the figure of what a father could be to me, but still acting only as a brother, with distance/space and, a gentle and wise heart.

My girl friends from my teens love him. We used to look for him in parties and clubs, because just seeing/knowing he was present in those venues made us younglings feel safe. I was proud of him, but I don't remember telling him then :-/.

I miss sharing his clothes. I was a tomboy growing up, so every so often I'd see him wearing my shirt etc, but mostly I was taking his, hahahah. Occasionally, I still check out his shirts, wondering if he could hand-them-down to me :-).

In high school, he taught me how to be aware of my surroundings and how to assess situations. I thought I didn't pay much attention, but surprisingly the lessons stuck. I'm sure a lot of my risk assessment skills came from him. I was in tense situations, at work and while travelling, and those intelligent skills he passed on were used many times. Sometimes I'd see the "moves/decisions" in action/political movies, and I'd automatically think, "hah, my brother would be like that" or "my brother said that!".

Now we are older, trying to make sense and add meaning to our lives. I know the responsibilities he has assumed on himself being now the eldest son. I take advantage of being youngest/r. I cannot change my personality and how I embrace life. I would always worry him. I wish he doesn't, because my other sisters and mom are a handful too as we live amok. But I am touched and warmed by his love, so I welcome it.

I am thankful he has been blessed with a great family. I love his wife (and her family) and his children. I see his soul and his qualities in the kids. Coupled with his wife's, and their guidance, I know the kids will be great adults.

Thank you for being you, quirks and all. I appreciate everything you've done for me and will do for me. I love you so very very very much. None of my actions nor words could ever express it enough. But I will try.

Happy birthday Dihya.

Thursday, 30 May 2013

Big Hearts

Someone asked me, what kind of friends do I have.

What kind of friends are in my close circle.

I didn't know how to answer....

They are very varied.

Some nice. Some comes across not.

Some intelligent. Some come across not.

Some successful. Some come across not.

Some rude/blunt. Some not.

Some generous. Some not.

Some private. Some social. Some in between.

Opposites. Polar opposites.

Different ages.

Different personalities.

Different interests.

Different lifestyles.

Different expressions of selves.

All kind.

All loving.

All giving (to me).

BIG HEARTS.

Wednesday, 29 May 2013

Too Honest?

I was stumped today when a male friend asked me, "why do women I date always seem to mention whenever another man compliments them or when other guys notice them?"!!

This question stung because I (used to) (still) do the same. It is especially worrying because it made me think about how I am in the dating scene too, which I just entered into this month...(!!!!).

He explained to me how the girl he is seeing mentioned to him men telling her she is beautiful, etc. I told him I also do not understand women (we are such complex beings), but I could share with him how I was(am?) in my relationships, AND how I have seen some women reacted. A quick non-exhaustive list created was:
  • To show she was still in the market
  • That he was not the only one after her
  • Less self-confidence so she sought words of affirmation, even if she had to declare them herself
  • She really did not understand what she was doing

"Even if she was telling me??", was his reply.

I was so uncomfortable because I knew I was the same - a multiple offender, a recidivist - but he needed me to explain, so I took a deep breath (and now I'm also blogging it, ack!)....


- When I was with my decade plus partner, I told him EVERYTHING! I had no secrets except for work related confidential information. He knew when men and women were making a move on me; when the compliments were not platonic or not pure-friendly; despite knowing I was not single; and them being in our social network. My man knew exactly where he stood, the others could not "put one over him". I did them with innocence, devotion, love, and pure loyalty.

- Experiences of men's betrayal, mistrust, disrespect and infidelity later, while still in the relationship (uuugggh)... I remember mentioning other men's compliments in a fight at least once (coz he told me other women were dying to be in my place in his heart *rolled my eyes then and now*).... But generally I didn't need to say it, as he knew.... I remember giving my boyfriend's number instead of mine so he would receive the calls/text messages (this was nasty but fun). My actions were spiteful, hurt reaction, and childish.

- Single again, while still broken, anything went coz my headspace was dark and messy.  At times I needed the compliments, other times I was angry of the lip service. I was erratic. I learned when I allowed myself to be treated less, the damage went too deep. It took a looong time to recuperate emotionally and psychologically, regardless of how willingly, wilfully and honestly I faced the truths.

- Single still, now healed (I hope!), I personally do not like making my future partner jealous. It is a nasty feeling I do not want to inflict on someone I choose to spend my life with.

My problem is, being a truthsayer, or a lifeteller. I do honestly and vocally acknowledge that I get a lot of compliments. I am always saying, "thank you" whenever I hear anything remotely close to a compliment expressed to me. Or smiling simply/mischievously/embarrased. I can easily come across arrogant, when in reality, I think it would be more arrogant for me to pretend I do not know. How could I not know when I heard it all/most my life???!!!! I am not a quiet personality, so I cannot pretend to react introvertedly. I would rather be thankful and move on. No song and dance required, but maybe jokes, coz I do use humour a lot in my expressions.

However, new people and dates do not know me. My confidence that was attractive at the start, could easily transform to be thought of as irritating and boastful. People/dates do not know that I am as willing to talk about my failures just as animatedly as my successes. My ugliness as much as my beauty. It is who I am, however I am, and the woman I (will always) love and nurture. They just have to ask... and be willing to know/understand.

I don't really know how to deal with this. I cannot please everyone. I don't want to. I just hope (and pray) the right man will perceive me accurately and accept me as I am. :-)



My friend said:
- If for example, I was your boyfriend, I wouldn't want to know. I already know you are beautiful and men will always make a move on you. It will make me angry to hear about them all the time. (POINT TAKEN, ouch!)

I asked:
- If she was telling you compliments coming from (straight) women, will you be as affected?
- Is the issue in her telling you (arrogant) or the fact it came from men (competition)?
- Did you tell her how you feel?

I told my friend he should try to find out where her intention is coming from - from good or from bad?

Then he should discuss it with his lady. The issue I see here is not in the telling nor in the honesty, but in how they will both resolve this conflict. It is in how they communicate, accept and resolve their differences that will make a difference. That is what's most important.


Saturday, 25 May 2013

Out of Touch

I feel quite out of touch with writing at the moment.

I won't wish for more time than 24 hours, because I know I will fill it up with many more "to-dos", instead of writing (or learning to write). Guaranteed burnout.

I am also very distracted. With many other tasks to do. Plus meetings and multi-tasking. Showering, food-shopping/cooking, washing clothes, etchetera are such a bother! ;-) I haven't had a chance to sit still or do nothing for longer than 1 hour, aside from sleep. Knocked out.

I made up for recording reflections by posting snippets in a social profile. But I prefered to delete them after a while... so it was really not the best place.... But some information I deemed private, not privvy for "open viewing".... I really need to work out how to balance private and online life.... I think I am comfortable to be more online now.... But changes won't be introduced until 2014, until I confirm the conclusion of various considerations....

++++++++++++++++++++++++

This month was mostly used spending time with people - the ones/groups I lost touch with; needed/wanted  to keep in touch with; and was newly in touch with. I value many people and relationships in my life. I have the ones I love "set in stone".... Those who are new but I could tell would hold special places in my heart/life.... Those who comes in and out, and they are okay too :-).

Focusing on people could be just as tiring as focusing on tasks. They are sometimes more time consuming, and sometimes more draining. Most times, they are blurred. Dangerous I think, because we start to believe doing something, for them or with them, is enough. But we forget that doing nothing with them is just as important. Take the time to get to know each other ONLY instead. Enjoying the conversations, giving full attention to our company. Doing something, with and for, only because they cannot be avoided.

Need to stop rushing through tasks. Need to stop rushing through people.


(* No time to elaborate. This will have to do... :-/....)

Tuesday, 30 April 2013

Top Tens - Autumn/Fall 2013

End of the month. Autumn April's almost over... the first of our Fall season. Here's my top tens... :-)


Ten Things I Love/Appreciate

1. Restful, longer than 5 hours sleep.
2. Still feeling at peace with willingness to give up work (despite loving it and the security).
3. SBS (Special Broadcasting Service) shows, documentaries and films - now accessible online. So good! 
4. Still haven't purchased anything new, though my one-year challenge to not purchase "stuff" ended this year. I noticed I have a lot of beauty products though - body lotions, toothbrushes (collected from Vietnam hotels, hahahah), toothpastes, hair gels, eye shadows, nail polishes and lipsticks. A few collected like the toothbrushes, some given, a lot were freebies from events/places attended. I decided to give them away or use them all before purchasing another.
5. My baptism.
6. Seeing representatives of my friends (outside and within church), colleagues and family all-together for the first time in one location, as they supported/celebrated my baptism with me. I'm very appreciative, thank you.
7. I appreciate the opportunities I will soon be given to prepare for my next adventures. I'm waiting to become an apprentice, to be more exposed to Godly missions.
8. I actually really appreciate the confrontations I face with myself as I try to apply the Kingdom living and values into my decisions and actions.
9. I am grateful that (most) friends know that my relationship and love for them will not change to less just because I turned "Jesus". It will break my heart if any of you think I will see/treat you with less love, or unequal or unacceptable. :-((( .... My love has actually even increased!! Not out of pity, piety, or duty! But overflowing from increased awareness of how much God loves all of us, regardless.
10. I appreciate the challenge of "letting go of stuff". Material things, and emotional. Filtering what's important and true/honest. This is also very hard, making me face fully some harsh and confronting issues. I want/need to face them, for my own good and to be better. It is great for healing and restoration/rejuvenation, which I love. 


Ten Things I Miss/Dislike

1. I dislike flu vaccinations. Uuuuggghh! I had my injection today. My arm is sore and heavy. My body feels ill.... :-(((
2. I don't like feeling unwell. Hot cold hot cold.
3. I miss being active without much restrictions. I don't feel unhealthy. I'm unfit but I don't feel gluggy. I just miss how it boosts my mood and gives me doses of endorphins.
4. I dislike my ankle losing flexibility, and my stand/walk being unstable. Keep an eye out for my "airplane" moves when I feel like I'm falling... ;-)... ack! :-/
5. I didn't like not achieving/acquiring my online TEFL certificate. I have accepted why I had to push it aside, not following my agenda. Naturally, I feel like I failed. But bigger picture, it is so clear where I am being lead. I also know I will teach English as a foreign language, in God's time.
6. I dislike feeling cold. I know I prefer heat. If only I could hibernate and wake up when the weather is warmer again.
7. I dislike how messy my room table and drawers and floor gets...!
8. I would dislike to be somewhere quiet, away from my other preoccupations, and write.
9. I miss the beach, with warm water and sunsets.
10. I dislike losing the little confidence I have in driving. I haven't driven for years. I'm pretty sure I've lost the little skills I had.... ugh.


Ten Wishes/Prayers ** All pretty much the same...! :-)
1. To wait patiently on God. Hebrews 11:8.
2. Ankle (and leg burn) to heal well and fully. Also please no flu this fall/winter!
3. To have (undeniable) clarity on what to do next. I think I know medium-term what I am learning, doing, and preparing for.
4. To not be lead by my own plans/fears/insecurities/over-confidence. Psalm 23.
5. To have (undeniable) clarity on where to go to next. I think I already know.
6. Courage (I have, because I trust.)
7. Submission (I do, because I follow with trust.)
8. For the last (biz) issue with old partner to be fully finalised this year instead of in 4 years! No negativity, but I would really like to no longer have to deal with him and not participate in keeping the (biz) issue away from his new partner. Peace of mind and complete closure would be nice.
9. To not under-perform and to be a peacemaker at work. smoothening office issues and politics.
10. That opportunities keeps coming and presenting itself; and that I respond rightly/appropriately.

Sunday, 14 April 2013

Shy Extrovert

I had to get up on stage to give a six minutes speech today. Everyone said "I did well, spoke clearly, sounded totally fine, did good, and delivered with clarity and to the point". I was glad to hear those comments. I could count in one hand my public speaking experience on a "stage" where the attention is focused solely on me. I never like(d) them.

People did not know that. They could not imagine that I would have such an issue.

As soon as the microphone was handed to me, blood shot up to my head I felt like fainting; my ears hurt that if anyone asked a question I would have struggled to understand it; my eyes couldn't focus so I couldn't read my notes; my mind was screaming it didn't want to be there and sent me non-stop barrage of what I "must do" and "must not do" I was surprised I spoke and stood there; my throat was dry; I took shallow breaths; my tongue felt heavy; my back started hurting I wanted to stoop/cower; and my heart was thumping so loud I strained to hear my voice.

I forced my nerves into steel. Kept reminding myself skills I learnt to address a much smaller group (as a workplace trainer). Tried to remember the speech I wrote. Relied on speaking honestly from the heart to save my memory from freezing up. All these while I crazily removed my embarrassment of exposing my life, and the knowledge that SOMEONE was recording it (no!no!no!)!! Also, while fighting to be in the moment, conscious of everything that was happening.

I tried to project cool, charm and calm. It helped that I was comfortable with the people behind me while on stage. I sensed I did not engage the crowd, like I do when I train people, but my bigger obstacle was to just finish the speech! I was able to stay aware in most (but not all) of the right moments, whew! I held on to my playful and curious personality. Despite my body's physical reactions, I prayed that I could still enjoy key events.

Offstage, away from anyone's view.... As soon as I relaxed my nerves of steel, I shook so much I couldn't remove my clothes (they were drenched), my eyes let go of several tears, my whole body was cold-freezing, but my face was still hot! I felt like fainting again. That time it was harder to control my body, but I fought it hard as I only had a few minutes to dry up, get changed, and step out again to be in public eye. I mentally bottled the adrenalin rush, imagined it washed with zen.

Sitting down in front, I expressed outward calm, and eventually I was. However, my nerves were shot all day.... I did not understand the main presentation. I picked up several points mentioned and noticed statements that seemed fuddled, even though my own thoughts were jumbled. But I cannot remember any of the message now. Someone read me a bible verse. I remember it was in Romans, that was all, even though I tried very hard to box it into my memory. I think I shut down when he said he recorded me! I was soooo embarrassed!!!!

My eustress shot up again, one and a half hour later, as I had more "business" to react to!! Colleagues and friends who visited to see me on stage were rushing away, already late for their appointments/work and I was trying to spend at least half a minute with them to thank them for coming. I managed to talk to one (a couple) but four had no choice but to leave without communication (sorry thank you!). I was sooo embarrased, surviving but grateful, to be surrounded by people who were genuinely happy and excited for me (thank you for staying back and making a point of congratulating me!).

...I was very grateful. I felt so much love from everyone - my family, friends and colleagues. And strangers. I was becoming emotional comprehending and witnessing it all. A boundless thank you!!!....

When I didn't think any more of my guests were "lost", my remaining guests and family left the building. Thinking back, I needed it, I was too HIGH from all the excitement around me I had to run away!

People ("locals", not the guests) texted me later in the night that they looked for me but I disappeared.... *insert sheepish smile here*.

I needed to sleep to heal as soon as I got home. When I woke up I was still on "edge". That six minutes (plus about another 10 minutes of introduction, praying and baptising) was a BIG DAY for me.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I say I'm like this because I am shy. No one immediately accepts that I am. Because I am active, always smiling/laughing, look/act confident, friendly, gregarious, and I blog.

Contrary to popular belief, I am shy. I cannot control how I feel internally when I am dealing with others, regardless of how I appear externally. I blush easy and I don't respond well to being the centre of attention in various situations. Certain company makes me feel uneasy. I am not a fan of public speaking. I don't know why but I freak out when I'm treated special by a group. It is easier for me to deal with my shyness in smaller groups (example, four or less), especially when I am comfortable or feel connected to those present. My shyness to individuals varies. Sometimes no matter how close and comfortable I am with someone, he/she can still turn my face into a tomato.

Celebrations of/for me are best organised without my knowledge, including my wedding!! Not joking. Or taken care of by a planner who could gauge what I like/want, could ask questions, but not give me progress reports. I'd probably prefer to be far away and just show up. I would cope better with surprises than knowing :-). Several friends in various countries/locations asked me to record the speech (I know now someone did). Not all these friends are registered to a social profile network.... It might mean the speech would go into public domain. I don't mind if someone posts it online... I guess...(!!??)... this is unventured territory.... The current videos of me on Youtube were not specifically mine, nor about me...(!!). I guess if there are no personal/private details it will be alright, lost in the online crowd...(!!!!).

My shyness does not mean I lack confidence or suffer low self-esteem. I have enough of those now to get by. I also do not think I am timid. I am not afraid to act and stand up for myself (but I prefer to not confront). I can muster courage from within when needed. Or should I say I learned to be less shy and less timid. Though I struggled to stand up for myself and to speak for myself in several situations, experiences taught me how to be less uncomfortable (shy) and to be less fearful (timid). Experiences also thought me life is better faced forward respectfully and amicably, for example, conflicts (resolutions).

The efforts to deal with my shyness, if continuous, tire and drain me out. So I tend to like my own company during those times. Powernaps, restful sleeps and solo retreats are great to recharge my emotional battery. For a time I thought it meant I was really more insular, therefore an introvert. But I am too curious and interested of people, places and events to be focused inward. I could also be recharged by spending quality time and connecting with someone I love. Hence I know I am more an extrovert.

Monday, 1 April 2013

Smell

I took 3 showers yesterday. Last time I did that I was in a country so hot and I sweated too much, that showers freshened and cooled me down. Yesterday, the weather was cold, rainy and windy. It was not a good day to put myself through the discomfort of removing my warm clothes, then feel chilled as I tried to dry-up quickly, and re-warm myself with fresh but cold clothes plus long wet hair.

I have a strong sense of smell. Sometimes very handy, other times a problem.

Yesterday, after the morning Easter Sunday service (which I showered for, heheh), mom and I decided to lunch out. I made her choose which continent the dishes could come from (she said she wanted rice); and suggested Japanese, Indonesian and Italian (she chose Indonesian) which were a short walking distance from us. I took her to a restaurant which I was surprised was actually Malaysian, but we stayed coz she had never been there and we did not want to tire out my ankle injury. For the first time in my life, I waited in the queue (I never queue up for more than 5 minutes, or at least we sit at the bar with drinks/starters comfortably until called). Mom did not mind, but it was freezing to stand outside so I felt bad for her.... Anyway, we waited for over 10 minutes, then sat down and ate for over an hour. There was ample ventilation and air circulation, but the cooking and food smells still latched on to our clothes. I could smell it strongly on my skin and my hair. I rushed to shower again and shampooed vigorously as soon as I got home.

A couple of hours later, a friend and his daughter picked me up to go to another Easter event. Freshly dressed (except for my gold jacket and soft scarf, still smelling of the Malaysian restaurant, ugh, so I wore it as little as possible), out we went. I found out the South African speaker was actually German, oops hahahah. I was thankful we arrived more than half an hour early, ensuring seats. So many people showed up a second show had to be quickly organised after ours (which appeared to also be too much past capacity). There were people squeezed at every step and crevice of the auditorium. I could smell some of them. Not a foul body odour, nor strong perfume/cologne. Just from where they had been, smokes, dogs, bed, re-worn clothes, and their normal body scents. My nose was hyper-sensitive.

Afterwards, we grabbed a bite and drinks at a foodcourt nearby. Then headed home. On route home, after some casual chats with friendly strangers, we were invited to a comedy show for free. My friend couldn't (I figured, to spend time with his beautiful daughter), I was tired, and I did not feel like dealing with more olfactory challenges (smokes and alcohol, etc). I could also still smell the foodcourt on me. So I declined for us and headed to the shower for more hearty scrubbing and shampooing. I could not stand the smell of my "dirty" clothes and even my used towel got thrown in the laundry... very far away from me.

(to be continued, maybe... regarding how travel changes our smells and how unaware many people are that we ALL smell "off" or weird to someone somehow...)

*************************************

I have always been aware of people's natural scents smelling differently - no matter how great our hygiene routines are, how expensive and scented the products we use, and how plain the foods we eat are. We all smell. And our scents linger across "funny", "weird", "interesting" or "off" to someone, somehow.

In my younger days, I thought I always smelt alright (heheheh). I didn't have strong body odours that required deodorants, as far as I knew and in comparison to my peers. I was silently glad of this fact, and lived life mostly au naturel. Perfumes were used on a whim, not out of necessity.

As I got older my group of friends became more diverse and the foods I digested became more experimental (e.g. started eating onions and garlic). My body, my diet, and the way/rate I burned my food intakes may have also changed. The most obvious change to me was whenever the smell of onions and garlic wafted from my pores and onto my clothes an hour after I ate them. Later, my natural scent also changed (specifically my left armpit, more than my right, I still don't know why, ack!) when I introduced new types of meat like veal/lamb and goat. During travels and multiculturalism, I was exposed to more spices and ingredients. I also started to spend more time in kitchens participating or watching people cook, bake, grill, barbecue and roast. I ate local foods and used local products.

My aroma changed, evolved, and took on my environments. It wasn't always pleasant, even quite unnerving to accept; because I preferred to always smell like fresh mint, a garden of flowers, exotic musks, the sea or clean water, or like a clean baby. But to dive into the adventures, cultures and experiences fully meant letting go of my comforts and allowing myself to become part of the community. That usually meant identifying with the people, by not being/smelling too different to them, as much as possible. Saying that, I had walked around spraying kids and women with perfume (with their permission). They loved it! It was usually a great ice-breaker! I always ended up leaving my perfumes as well and journeyed on without. Yet, most times I didn't carry any, to lessen the weight of my luggage as much as possible.

Regardless of culture, and skin colour, and country we came from we all smell. A lone Caucasian sharing an apartment with Africans may feel overwhelmed by the smells of the spices used on their dishes. But he/she may not know that the Africans also struggled with the scent coming from his/her skin. Someone once described it to me as "a hint of rotten meat" or "meat fats". Everyone walked around with half-closed noses until they habituated to each other's essence. I remembered a European friend in London commented I "smelt like an American", after a trip to USA - greasy foods, a hint of Mexican spices, and toffee, topped with my Victoria Secret body splash...!!!

... It usually takes me at least a couple of weeks before my scents goes back to "normal" after my trips, depending on how long I was immersed in the cultures and how different they were to my own. :-)

Friday, 15 March 2013

Now

I had a hundred ideas to write about!! Life was very packed with many reflections, lessons, conversations, experiences and stories. Not a day this year has passed where it felt like "any other day", or monotonous. I started sentences for a topic to blog about, then deleted them to write about a different topic, then decided on another one instead, deleted and so on, several times. Each one competing for centre-stage.

So, I don't understand how people could be bored for long. I get tired yes, lonely being single yes-maybe, don't like what I'm doing sometimes, don't like my injury yes, emotional lots, but bored - why? All I need to do is wake up and I am bombarded with stimuli. I could not keep up! So I wondered how could people be bored all day or longer? If it is, then change something a little. Life is too prescious to not enjoy and not be thankful for, despite whatever hardships or sufferings we/you are going through, really, truly. :-/

I love being busy, but I crave for quiet time. My next trip I would dedicate at least one week somewhere away from it all - sleeping or just smelling the air. Where my only thought and feeling would be nothing. No active exploration or interactions. When I wouldn't care if I ate or drank. When nothing outside of me would be important. No new or old friends. Just me. I cherished those quiet and alone times:
  • Italy (2008, up 8 to days)
  • Portugal (2008, 4 days)
  • Murcia, Spain (2009, 2 days)
  • Dahab, Egypt (2010, 2-5 days)
  • Chaam/Chiang Rai/Mae Hong Son, Thailand (2010, 3 days)
  • Maldives (2011, 2 days)
  • Polhena, Sri Lanka (2011, 1 days)
  • Sapa, Vietnam (2012, half a day)
  • Si Phan Don, Laos (2012, half a day). 

Those "only me" times were so rare and special. I knnooowww, people would say try to be a parent, carer, cannot travel, etc etc. Different busy or lifestyle and/or choices, is all. STILL busy and still need to recuperate.

My trips' main goal was always to explore the countries and its cultures. I packed more in my itineraries, so alone times became lesser as the years progressed. Quiet was very hard to attain, as I always had to prepare for onward travel. I also had to fight my curiousity and my "adventuress" nature. Here at home it had been absolutely impossible. Peaceful yes, quiet never. There were always reminders, friends, responsibilities, opportunities and tasks to do. I could never fully shut down. Meditation never worked. Too much stimuli. Too much noise. Only sleep could knock me out.

A friend offered me a place overseas in a beautiful quiet town to stay at, free of charge for up to 3 months (or longer), while he was away for his own holiday in a much warmer (burning hot!) climate. Encouraging to pull out my creative and insightful side, less of my worker and running bee. I am drawn to it but I hesitate, preferring to be busier for now, while young and energetic. Another friend offered his place overseas in the city too while he is away on missions, because he trusted me. I have girlfriends whom wants me to relocate to their cities (will help me settle and introduce me to men they'd love me to marry!). All very tempting, and I would definitely take up the offer one day, if still available then (including one of the men, maybe, hahaha). My selfish self wanted to run there to enjoy and escape (life is too short and wonderful to waste mentality). I have been like this since a fortnight ago, after I realised money is no longer important (see Divided?). I'm like an excited horse, jumpy and ready to bolt to any good adventure! I feel so free that it could be mistaken for reckless. I could be labelled a "flight risk", so a relationship could not be taken seriously, unless he is similar. A couple of offers of casual fun (committed to each other?), long-term partnerships and marriages received since being home (circa 2010). I was willing (so willing I just joined an online dating site, ack!) but I could not accept any of their offers. I abstained. My heart and mind wished/waited for someone else. Still, for now, my place is here, keeping me grounded, learning more lessons, trying to understand the wisdom without confusion, keeping quiet as much as possible, ready, silently revving up....

Amazing life. Exciting times. Trying to be present in the power and wonders of now.


Thursday, 7 March 2013

Confession/Time Capsule - 1980s to 2000s

I went through my collection of cards, letters, photos, notes, and other written memorabilia from late 1980s to mid 2000s. That was a lot of written history! Most of them, except for photos, are now shredded. I was told I am a fool to get rid of them. I don't regret it. I wanted to keep those moments of shared feelings private, between me and the writers. The correspondences brought all kinds of emotions - apathy, confusion, compassion, vanity, pride, humour, shame, regrets and gratitude. I decided to use this post to speak to a few people from my past whom most likely I won't interact with again.


The love letters. I started keeping them from 9 years old. But I was tooooo much of a tomboy to think of courtship/relationships and too young/innocent-minded to understand what the fuss was all about!!!??! I blossomed into being interested in boys very late, around the age of 17 and a half, if not 18, hahah ugh. I was always the mother hen whom parents trusted their daughters' (my friends) safety to. I was so clueless but I appeared very responsible. Anyway....

I went out with only one of the writers - my first (second) boyfriend. Ooops, first confession, ack! I had a boyfriend for a whole month in July 1995, before my "first boyfriend"  for more than a decade. Boyfriend #1 was a real top guy, we met in a RYLA camp. I remembered that he was kind and gentle to me, though he could be harsh with his actions and words to others, because he really was smarter than his years, a born leader. I was ditzy with a heart that could be developed for leadership. We were both too young to 'carpe diem', but mainly I was too foolish and awkward to appreciate. Only bestie and boyfriend #1 knew of this relationship. Heck, they even became good mates. I write this here, in case he sees, so I could say, "Kob khun kaa, sorry for my young stupidity, happy for you, and carpe diem! - from Noo". To my first (second) boyfriend... *smiling guiltily while shrugging my shoulders*. I think I told you early in the relationship..? I can't remember now. All in the past.

I digressed. Love letters.... JAC, I did not go out with you, but I was most harsh to you (publicly, in a letter sent to our group of friends), to stop your emotions, to forget about me, and for friends to tell you to forget about me. I immediately recognised all your letters, by the way you folded them. My guilt overtook me even before I re-read your hopes and pains. It was all too much. Forgive me, it was the best response I could pull out of my inexperience.

Another, WR, I saw you again, after more than a decade, and immediately you told me how long you waited for me. You asked about me. There was so much emotion coming out from your voice and face. In a panic, and faithful to boyfriend #2 (who thought he was first, ack) who was metres away from us, I lied that I was married and rushed off. Immature reaction. I'm sorry.

That's all for matters of hearts. I was not interested to date, so my reactions to all crushes and stronger feelings were childish, and I did not encourage.... Next, friendship letters.



The cards and little notes were varied between funny and generic. Some had sweet heartfelt messages, others random jokes and events. One girl friend talked about a different crush in each letter. Her stories were so sensationalised I remembered how much I looked forward to receiving her mail. I wished I had her lifestyle and personality a lot of times. I still looked forward to reading her old mail, and sure enough hers were still the most exciting! More than 20 years had passed and she still had the same effect on me - making me giggle and laugh so much my sides ached! Thank you.

I searched for many old friends throughout the years, yet all these social networking profiles produced nil results:
  • My besfriend between grade 3-4, Resurreccion Yamco, I took a photo of your letter, now shredded. I hope one day I can show them to you again :-).
  • Genie Ong - where are you!!?
  • Panit Ratanapornchai - It'd be nice to catch-up. Thank you for being my guardian.
  • RSL aka ROlivoGuy - my "childhood sweetheart", we grew up always being paired, but never went out. We couldn't keep track of our changes - I stopped writing for years, we both moved house, too many countries, returned to sender mail.
  • Others I am not in touch with - I intentionally did not include you in here. Not because I do not want to get in touch. This post would end up too long. There are varying degrees of separation that could still connect us via social networks. I am not sure if you would like me to, or if there would be any point to it. But do message me if you want :-).
I don't have to speak to anyone specific amongst old friends. If I have to apologize, it would be for not keeping in touch, as I was bitter about how some friends treated me before I left for overseas. I decided to start anew, cutting ties with all, including the ones who were not even part of those whom caused me shame/pain. Not writing back, I read the hurt several friends felt because of the way I treated them. So if any of you are reading this... sorry. Us being so young, I'm sure (I hope) it was later not a big deal. Here I acknowledge my (mis)behaviour.

Part of the reason why I acknowledged was because, as I read through more than 20 years of my history, I became melancholy and amazed, or overwhelmed. Each writer expressed about how much I affected them. Even though only a youth, I was very influential. I encouraged a lot of people to change, improve, decide and feel positive about themselves. It made me wonder what (and how) I could have been with good mentors and parenting. I did not remember being a dynamic person. But the letters highlighted them. It was like I was reading someone else's life.

On one hand, I feel like I am bragging, my ego boosted to be so well-praised and well-loved. On the other I reflected on the fact that I did not know, I did not understand, and I did not appreciate the... power of friendship. The power of simply being nice. I forgot or was not aware how strongly I "moved" people. I vaguely remembered jokes that I should start a cult or my own following, because I had a convincing and persuasive personality. I had an ability to help people feel special, wanted, needed and/or important. The letters showed all it took were kindness, a smile, conversing about life (or God, or spirituality) with them, a tiny interest in their circumstances or ideas, inspiration, honesty and genuine care.

I wondered if I am still the same. If I am, I hope to be a better conduit of compassion and living love, but with more tact, wiser discernment and nobler maturity. As a friend told me several months ago, "great power comes with great responsibility" in the way I engaged people. I know I will disappoint and be disappointed based on humanity's standards. So it is important to be aware of the differences between agendas and what drives my decisions - where I come in and where it is not about me and who I am doing it for. If I deal with the world (and its issues) on my own (strength), I could easily end up low tanked and depleted. It was likely one of the reasons why I stopped abruptly when I was younger, and I became more insular for several years. Key life lessons picked up from those pages. Success not based on man's approval or rejection.

1 Samuel 16:7 (NIV) ~ The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.  

Friday, 1 March 2013

Divided(?)

It was the toughest 3 weeks - personally and professionally.

I should have posted my story when I was really divided, going through the final battles in my mind. Now that I know my decision, with both my heart and mind agreeing, to share this story in hindsight feels a bit of an anti-climax.

The division was in my confusion in whether to stay in my current perfect-enough and comfort-guaranteed lifestyle, with awesome financial and job security (aka "set for life"), while living in a country/state where life truly is beautiful, safe, pampered and relaxed... or... to give up all that, and all that I worked for and most of the luxuries I enjoyed, to step forward to a life of (financial, etc) insecurity and not knowing where I will be heading/leading. VERY tough choice, for one reason only - money.

Except for money and my work (which I not only love/d, but also guaranteed a nice cashflow) I did not fear letting go of the rest. My faith in God, knowing the world is beautiful, and my street-smart are enough for those. I even know God will provide me all that I need, and more! I do not doubt it, really. But to let go, to really let go of my work=money, in thought and in action, I could not do it. I was so surprised because I always thought money was not important to me. But I was so used to having control over it, I could not hand over control of it to God.

(For more than a year, my family, friends and) I tried to reason with myself. I tried be logical and rational. I did not make any rushed decision. I wrestled with the stupidity of giving up my work, especially when so many people would love to trade places with me. I reasoned once I quit, I will never be able to afford the luxury of exploring, adventuring and travelling the WORLD(!!), as this "Everest" post revealed. I told myself I was being irresponsible and careless. I should be saving for my retirement. I will be the laughing stock of my colleagues whom would hear in less than 10 years that I am back after my mid-life crisis, an old maid and poor. Those thoughts are for later blogs, ack! ;-)

The main reason work was the hardest to let go (and #2 of the two reasons I went back), was because I thought if I stayed til mid-this-year, I would earn an extra AUD$17K. For someone heading out without a "job", that amount would be great pocket money! I could give it to my nieces and nephews! Or my friends expecting their first child! Or to pay for a discipleship training course I wanted to do. Or to invest into a local community project.... So much money. Large enough that I could even spend/give comfortably to all five I mentioned above! Surely for me to leave earlier without the cash is much more selfish(?), I told myself.

I tried to be strategic about the whole thing. I thought I managed to organised time nicely so that I could go on another exploration trip this half-year, without needing to quit until next year, giving me a chance to "test the waters" first, in case I changed my mind (whew!).... Letting my colleagues assume I had another wonderful holiday.

Professionally, I admitted to my supervisor my plans to go away for half a year, and the motivation behind it. He's been great and supportive I felt it was best to keep him informed even though plans were not concrete. I also could not lie to him. Personally, my ankle injury is still a medium-term problem. Going to work five days a week is physically and emotionally tiring. It will take months to heal. It is also affecting my work because I am doing lighter duties and I am slower. The strain of my sick leaves and medical appointments (and my past approved recreational leaves); plus office politics, are showing in the way I am being viewed and treated this year.

I have, a few but very influential, colleagues whom built themselves up by dissing everyone else down to the manager - surprise surprise *sarcasm*. I never played the "schoolyard" politics at work. I won't start now. Bless my supervisor, he is caught in between due to his friendship and decades-plus time of serving with them. I requested for him to speak up for me more, because he knows my performance and those colleagues have been proven to not give me credit for the work/help I have completed. He advised me to do what the pack are doing, build myself up to our manager myself, even though he didn't like this practise because the others were going over his head. I was bamboozled by the statement against my performance, being told I have to "win the manager's respect". I recently won a state excellence award(!) where the Minister congratulated my team personally (the pack mentioned above not part of it)!! How quickly people forget.... My ego was slapped. :-/ However, while quickly praying for us when my peace was rattled, my peace came back. The problems were still there, but how I reacted to it, was being lead by how I believed God wanted me to.

Then, this week, I was told the $17K I expected this year, may not be mine until June next year.

I went through a few minutes of mentally chasing after the money. I felt like I was owed it. I deserved it. So I should get it, even if I have to wait for it another year.... But such soliloquy no longer had conviction. Amazingly! Truly! I was shocked, asking myself several times if I was sure!!??! :-) I felt a much stronger peace in knowing I no longer really cared for the money. My focus and order of priorities has changed. I am still trying to be strategic in how I can still be rewarded the money. If possible, why not, for the long service I have performed. But if I am prompted to leave now, I would discard the money chase, and go. I am as sure of this as sunrise and sunset. No longer divided.

Of course, time will tell, if I could really leave without it. If I will be asked to let go of it (all). At the moment I am only verbalising. For now God has prompted me to sit still, as in I am not going anywhere yet. I am still preparing for the journey/s. I still don't know where I am heading. I'm still learning to walk (hopefully wisely) between the natural and spiritual. I am still trying to understand spiritual warfare and learning discernment (God's will versus my will). But I am waiting to heed.

Thursday, 21 February 2013

Servant

How comfortable are you of being called a servant?

I asked this because someone also asked me why I want to be one, or stay as one....

Reflecting, I realised the very first song I liked singing as a child was "Make Me A Servant"! I know because my sister brought up disliking hearing me singing it out loud a lot. It frustrated her that I was singing to be a maid, hahahah. Jumping to now, even my current workforce role has the word "servant" attached to it! It seems I have lived my whole life actively choosing to perform the role of one.

Images of poverty, hardship, unhappiness, insecurity, lack and need were brought in. Those are a few of what traditionally being a servant signifies, apparently. I have been exposed to and lived within such settings. But I am not in the extreme state of any of those, partly because I am currently located in a country with a stable environment/government. I have not (yet) personally/spiritually experienced such strong "life-shakers", but I know of other faithful servants who have.... I was also told I don't look like one, or one that should be one; or one who would enjoy being one...?? How is a servant meant to look like??!!??

I was fortunate to have worked for several good organisations, with diverse positions. My motivations were never salary-based though I was at times blessed with more. I was never in a role where my performance resulted in financial gain/bonuses. Once I worked for the marketing department of an internationally famous sports association - though there were awesome perks and blinding glitz, the experience confirmed I did not like the mentality/industry ;-).

I felt most in my element when helping others was our priority. Community service. Community protection. Training of colleagues to enable them to perform their roles which ensures the safety and improvement of lives of many. Those were and are my work passion. But I have been in positions where one of my functions was revenue collection. I was always uncomfortable to chase money, although I did it dutifully to the best of my ability, because those workplaces entrusted me with the responsibilities.

I enjoyed most parts of my servant work. So I can honestly say being a servant is NOT only about those images listed above. I agree that such work exposed me to... darkness and unpleasant knowledge and experiences. It is to be expected when in such roles(?), but there were also a lot of encouraging results and moments when the thankless tasks were worth it. The servant lifestyle, for example overseas doing mission work or volunteer work or public service, could include some of those troubles and dangers, depending on which country they are serving. But they are what helps the community where the government does not have (enough) resources to provide for its people.

What matters is the purpose or motivation behind the servitude. Personal challenges (self-centred); financial gain (if money is motivation, it is mostly survival/work, not servitude); to improve the local community (others-centred); to provide employment while getting rich (self-centredness veiled in corporate visions, or else a much bigger portion of the profit would be spent back to improving the local quality of life instead of self); spreading the gospel (God-focused); and much more. Of course it is not black and white; we are driven to take care of "business" (benefiting self and/or others) to survive and have quality of life; and we show good works and good will of services in forms we can best communicate - majority of us well-meaning and well-intentioned, though sometimes efforts are badly delivered.

It is best to look at the heart, who the service is really serving - ourselves, other people, God? Combination of those? Or not at all? With the correct driving force, and with our priorities in order, despite... faithful servitude could result in a lifetime of satisfaction. Happiness too. Hopeful :-).

*Please do not write where I work in the comments section, it's private, thanks :-).*

Wednesday, 13 February 2013

Expressions Of Love

Back in... 2009(?!) a colleague-friend of mine gifted me with a book about love languages. I was struggling with a "condition" (aka a confusing-heartbreaking-relationship, hahahah ugh) while he was preparing for his wedding. I went out with a man similar to his culture, so our talks consisted of candid questions and answers explained with honesty and maturity. The book did not help my condition because the issues were different. Still, it opened my eyes on how to be better in all my important relationships. So every time I see the book, I fondly remember his visits and gesture. :-)

The book was about how we express our love and how we appreciate expressions of love. Just like dialects and languages of the world, they vary for each individual. To be a good lover we have to ensure that we communicate our love best suited to the recipient, catering for their needs, in their dialect. Being aware of our own love language is also enlightening because it reveals the similarities and differences we could have with the love-giver. If our dialect is very different to them, we could lovingly (not demandingly or forcefully) let them know how they could best let us know - how we like it. And, we could also be more forgiving of the miscommunication. Or, focus more on giving love to them. Brilliant! It made so much sense!

Almost annually, unplanned, I randomly tested myself, to find out my love language. I was curious if I would agree with the results. I also wanted to find out if life experiences and youth/age would change me. I found the results between 2010 and 2012, tucked away in my laptop, last month!!....

Tested in January 2010. Physical touch, quality time and acts of service were highly valued. It seems balanced but I think I was emotionally fragile at the time. I needed to be soothed, calmed and assured of being loved (and not taken for granted)... regardless of how less I felt at the time... while I healed. So I craved praises and loving words. Thankfully, self-worth seemed intact enough, not requiring much reminding.

Tested in August 2011. I definitely valued actions and proofs more than words and promises! But very wary of "takers" so I needed time to get to know people. I appreciated people who were like me, whom decided on what we wanted and went for it without confusion. Mixed messages were unhealthy for me. Loving words were heard but not remembered/valued.

Tested in February 2012. Did not change much. To be expected since test was taken only about half a year later. Maybe I felt more emotionally healthy and more sure of what I needed/wanted. Opened up to relationships more again. Still preferred consistent actions and seeing acts of selfless giving. Needs for words of affirmation stayed consistently low throughout the years. Promises and signs of uncertainty hit walled-up ears, hahahah! Ugh ;-).

Nowadays, it changed, I changed - growth, maturity, life. But my expressions are still fairly balanced or broadly spread. To me it seems that all expressions are noticed, including words of affirmation. All forms of love languages are appreciated. But still consistent with preferring actions and results over promises and words.


... For people not familiar with how to read the profiles, here's a simple explanation of each of the five languages. Click on the photos to make them large enough to read. :-)


HAPPY VALENTINES DAY! Life and love are meant to walk hand-in-hand.... May your every day be celebrated with lots of love, not just once a year. 

Friday, 1 February 2013

Changes To Me.... Changes In Me

Some people do not know how to react to my changes. Or they do not understand (agree). People who have been connected to my life. People who knew me for several years. Also people I wished/thought knew me better (after years of interaction).

For about a decade, I had diverse (and repeated) pressures, adventures, lessons, challenges and reshaping - to the person I am now. It did not strike me fully until a year ago and initially in August 2010 (to post in the future, maybe). So I guess, depending on when people met me; and how well they got to know me versus how they perceived me or what they wanted from me; was how they remembered me/us. My priorities changed, but I thought I was still the same person, the same core, the parts I could not fake.

I, did not know how to react to their reactions. I struggled with impressions of me being different. I could not understand why their expectations changed. I was shaken up with my positives and my negatives, as expressed (verbally and non-verbally) to me. I did not pay much heed to those reactions, until this month. I guess because I knew that despite of, my truest and longest-serving friends/families would accept me (and they have, bless their sweet hearts) regardless and they knew the "real me"", aka "my core". Plus, we all went through crossroads and life changes, right? Some transformations more pronounced than others. I thought mine was no more (even much less) than everyone else's. But for the sake of writing rambling thoughts out loud....

I will focus on the issue of my spirituality as it is the one getting the most attention. But let me highlight that the circular endless talk regarding this also includes people who are newly known or/and want to make sure I hear their opinions too. Similar to how I did it when I did not understand, because I wanted to make sure they did... (irony?). Anyway, this could be a continuation of a previous blog. I'll fast forward through events.... I attended a weekly bible study group at work (but only those colleagues knew) pre-2007 in Australia. I wanted to know God more but I went overseas. Regardless of where I was, I looked for and attended church services. Those years gave me interesting insights to forms of worship and praises. In Asia/Africa/Europe - few friends (house mates mostly) knew I went to church almost weekly; or I watched the live webcast from a church in Notting Hill (London) when I had nowhere to go. I was very private about my (shaky) relationship with God. I rarely read the bible on my own. I knew the stories and several verses, but I forgot their contexts and where I read them. I did not understand the difference between church-going with heart and application, and without. I did not want to be labelled with people's understanding of "religious" and having a religion. I was/am not a follower of the (disappointing) systems as I understood. I was not going to pretend I was a Christian when I was not trying to be one, or not being a true Christian (as mentioned in Spiritual). I was not over the fence in the Christian side. I strongly thought fence-sitting (staying lukewarm, using religion only when it suited) was worse and hypocritical. So I chose to stand in the other side.

I do not mind being called a Christian now, though I still cringe internally when I hear the covert and overt attacks and sarcasms to what it signifies. I know the history, the current affairs, the understanding, the misuse, and the stigma, that comes with the label. They did not magically disappear from my consciousness. I still disagree with many applications of the bible teachings by other Christians, as they do me - serving our human purposes and own wills, instead of glorifying God. I am still wrestling with many verses I read in the bible. In selfishness/fear/pride/lack of understanding/weakened faith, I struggle with parts of the lifestyle Jesus fashioned. Patience. It will all take time. With help and guidance from God, understanding the Word, indwelling of the Holy Spirit, life experiences and fellowship. I jumped over the fence, and joined the throngs of people I berated and interrogated in the past. Receiving similar (plus more!) to what I gave, a serve of my own medicine, and some humble pie, ugh. It is a change that is impossible for people to go through alone. The wave against it is too strong, being counter-intuitive and counter-cultural. I at times miss my old private worship, it was quieter, but I would never go back to the same laissez-faire mentality. So I accept the noise/confrontation it brings. Life. All part of breaking the old to create the new - a concept we all understand. Believe me when I say it is breaking me for good (aka growth?). The relationship is also not only about breaking and suffering, or doom and gloom stuff. Not at all, as the blog "Assurance" showed. God is empowering and amazing. Be patient. These will be discussed in future posts, I'm sure.

Because of the (strong) mixed reactions, I wondered how I was in the past...!!!??! Why do/did they see me that way? Was I bad? Why do they think I am (not) that way? Did I still morph into the person I did not want to be? Why was it different to how I thought I was? How different was/am I? What external changes are they talking about??? Why am I bad now? Why are they treating me differently? Why all the questions?? If few people complained or made comments, it could be their personal issues. Some continued on with me as normal, some shook me up, some hurt, some insulted, some uncomfortable around me, and some avoided me. Life. With various levels of interaction and judgment from both side. When valued people in my life reacted, it is out of love and service that I should pay attention and evaluate. Those questions were asked because it was important to be self-aware. But not be self-focused, 

I struggle to explain this part, sounding like I don't care for the concerns of my important relationships whom do not agree/understand, because I most heartfully do. I hope you will know that I am still the same me that loves and cares and accept and is equal to you. I am transforming, but I am still the chaotic mess you love (or I hoped you  love, ;-)) heheheh). I am on a challenging journey focusing on God. Our (yours and mostly mine) concerns, complaints, fears, limitations, frustrations, desires, lack of understanding, plans, dreams, etc etc etc etchetera... are heard and wrestled with, but pushed aside as less important. God is important, not me. I won't spend time convincing you in this mind shift. Not yet, until I am more experienced to relate it better. It is not about you. It is not even about me, though it is my stories. I will need time and understanding to relate these too.

Still, naturally, I sought counsel from a friend, to ensure I was not losing the plot. Luckily this friend has the most insight as he knew me socially, personally, professionally, and spiritually, for more than a decade. He's seen and heard all the phases I went through. He knew and would tell me the truths. He said I always attracted people (and judgment) because of my nature, personality, looks and lifestyle. He talked of examples when people were intimidated by me and described me to him opposite to what he saw. I did not become bad and I was not bad. I pulled through the storms and matured from life experiences, so my decisions and actions reflect those wisdom/baggages I gained, but I maintained my values and character. I was always very spiritual, but I am more vocal now. In the past I only asked questions (opinionated), but now I am yielding (listening) and applying.