I was stumped today when a male friend asked me, "why do women I date always seem to mention whenever another man compliments them or when other guys notice them?"!!
This question stung because I (used to) (still) do the same. It is especially worrying because it made me think about how I am in the dating scene too, which I just entered into this month...(!!!!).
He explained to me how the girl he is seeing mentioned to him men telling her she is beautiful, etc. I told him I also do not understand women (we are such complex beings), but I could share with him how I was(am?) in my relationships, AND how I have seen some women reacted. A quick non-exhaustive list created was:
"Even if she was telling me??", was his reply.
I was so uncomfortable because I knew I was the same - a multiple offender, a recidivist - but he needed me to explain, so I took a deep breath (and now I'm also blogging it, ack!)....
- When I was with my decade plus partner, I told him EVERYTHING! I had no secrets except for work related confidential information. He knew when men and women were making a move on me; when the compliments were not platonic or not pure-friendly; despite knowing I was not single; and them being in our social network. My man knew exactly where he stood, the others could not "put one over him". I did them with innocence, devotion, love, and pure loyalty.
- Experiences of men's betrayal, mistrust, disrespect and infidelity later, while still in the relationship (uuugggh)... I remember mentioning other men's compliments in a fight at least once (coz he told me other women were dying to be in my place in his heart *rolled my eyes then and now*).... But generally I didn't need to say it, as he knew.... I remember giving my boyfriend's number instead of mine so he would receive the calls/text messages (this was nasty but fun). My actions were spiteful, hurt reaction, and childish.
- Single again, while still broken, anything went coz my headspace was dark and messy. At times I needed the compliments, other times I was angry of the lip service. I was erratic. I learned when I allowed myself to be treated less, the damage went too deep. It took a looong time to recuperate emotionally and psychologically, regardless of how willingly, wilfully and honestly I faced the truths.
- Single still, now healed (I hope!), I personally do not like making my future partner jealous. It is a nasty feeling I do not want to inflict on someone I choose to spend my life with.
My problem is, being a truthsayer, or a lifeteller. I do honestly and vocally acknowledge that I get a lot of compliments. I am always saying, "thank you" whenever I hear anything remotely close to a compliment expressed to me. Or smiling simply/mischievously/embarrased. I can easily come across arrogant, when in reality, I think it would be more arrogant for me to pretend I do not know. How could I not know when I heard it all/most my life???!!!! I am not a quiet personality, so I cannot pretend to react introvertedly. I would rather be thankful and move on. No song and dance required, but maybe jokes, coz I do use humour a lot in my expressions.
However, new people and dates do not know me. My confidence that was attractive at the start, could easily transform to be thought of as irritating and boastful. People/dates do not know that I am as willing to talk about my failures just as animatedly as my successes. My ugliness as much as my beauty. It is who I am, however I am, and the woman I (will always) love and nurture. They just have to ask... and be willing to know/understand.
I don't really know how to deal with this. I cannot please everyone. I don't want to. I just hope (and pray) the right man will perceive me accurately and accept me as I am. :-)
My friend said:
- If for example, I was your boyfriend, I wouldn't want to know. I already know you are beautiful and men will always make a move on you. It will make me angry to hear about them all the time. (POINT TAKEN, ouch!)
I asked:
- If she was telling you compliments coming from (straight) women, will you be as affected?
- Is the issue in her telling you (arrogant) or the fact it came from men (competition)?
- Did you tell her how you feel?
I told my friend he should try to find out where her intention is coming from - from good or from bad?
Then he should discuss it with his lady. The issue I see here is not in the telling nor in the honesty, but in how they will both resolve this conflict. It is in how they communicate, accept and resolve their differences that will make a difference. That is what's most important.
This question stung because I (used to) (still) do the same. It is especially worrying because it made me think about how I am in the dating scene too, which I just entered into this month...(!!!!).
He explained to me how the girl he is seeing mentioned to him men telling her she is beautiful, etc. I told him I also do not understand women (we are such complex beings), but I could share with him how I was(am?) in my relationships, AND how I have seen some women reacted. A quick non-exhaustive list created was:
- To show she was still in the market
- That he was not the only one after her
- Less self-confidence so she sought words of affirmation, even if she had to declare them herself
- She really did not understand what she was doing
"Even if she was telling me??", was his reply.
I was so uncomfortable because I knew I was the same - a multiple offender, a recidivist - but he needed me to explain, so I took a deep breath (and now I'm also blogging it, ack!)....
- When I was with my decade plus partner, I told him EVERYTHING! I had no secrets except for work related confidential information. He knew when men and women were making a move on me; when the compliments were not platonic or not pure-friendly; despite knowing I was not single; and them being in our social network. My man knew exactly where he stood, the others could not "put one over him". I did them with innocence, devotion, love, and pure loyalty.
- Experiences of men's betrayal, mistrust, disrespect and infidelity later, while still in the relationship (uuugggh)... I remember mentioning other men's compliments in a fight at least once (coz he told me other women were dying to be in my place in his heart *rolled my eyes then and now*).... But generally I didn't need to say it, as he knew.... I remember giving my boyfriend's number instead of mine so he would receive the calls/text messages (this was nasty but fun). My actions were spiteful, hurt reaction, and childish.
- Single again, while still broken, anything went coz my headspace was dark and messy. At times I needed the compliments, other times I was angry of the lip service. I was erratic. I learned when I allowed myself to be treated less, the damage went too deep. It took a looong time to recuperate emotionally and psychologically, regardless of how willingly, wilfully and honestly I faced the truths.
- Single still, now healed (I hope!), I personally do not like making my future partner jealous. It is a nasty feeling I do not want to inflict on someone I choose to spend my life with.
My problem is, being a truthsayer, or a lifeteller. I do honestly and vocally acknowledge that I get a lot of compliments. I am always saying, "thank you" whenever I hear anything remotely close to a compliment expressed to me. Or smiling simply/mischievously/embarrased. I can easily come across arrogant, when in reality, I think it would be more arrogant for me to pretend I do not know. How could I not know when I heard it all/most my life???!!!! I am not a quiet personality, so I cannot pretend to react introvertedly. I would rather be thankful and move on. No song and dance required, but maybe jokes, coz I do use humour a lot in my expressions.
However, new people and dates do not know me. My confidence that was attractive at the start, could easily transform to be thought of as irritating and boastful. People/dates do not know that I am as willing to talk about my failures just as animatedly as my successes. My ugliness as much as my beauty. It is who I am, however I am, and the woman I (will always) love and nurture. They just have to ask... and be willing to know/understand.
I don't really know how to deal with this. I cannot please everyone. I don't want to. I just hope (and pray) the right man will perceive me accurately and accept me as I am. :-)
My friend said:
- If for example, I was your boyfriend, I wouldn't want to know. I already know you are beautiful and men will always make a move on you. It will make me angry to hear about them all the time. (POINT TAKEN, ouch!)
I asked:
- If she was telling you compliments coming from (straight) women, will you be as affected?
- Is the issue in her telling you (arrogant) or the fact it came from men (competition)?
- Did you tell her how you feel?
I told my friend he should try to find out where her intention is coming from - from good or from bad?
Then he should discuss it with his lady. The issue I see here is not in the telling nor in the honesty, but in how they will both resolve this conflict. It is in how they communicate, accept and resolve their differences that will make a difference. That is what's most important.
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