Reflecting on the 5 months of discipleship training, of intense spiritual journeys and lessons I had with our Lord and Saviour, I am filled with thankfulness and praise.
In this update I will share with you the realities of my struggles, the hard parts many missionaries do not admit in writing, because we may feel obliged to only report about the fun/joyous parts.... Hopefully this honesty will show that my faith in God - not my thirst for fun and adventures, and not any movie or book deals - has been the fuel for my passion and joy to continue following and serving Him in ALL circumstances….
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1. BRAZIL
My and my outreach team’s unity, resolve and dependence on God were tested from day one to finish!! As we all grew in Christ individually, we also leaned on each other to carry our weaknesses and share our strengths. God showed us how He perfectly placed us together for that season, to serve each other and others.
We flew and rode a bus to a base, next to the Amazon River, that’s making Jesus’ love and pursuit of us known along the rivers. It was almost, if not over, 50 hours of travel, plus a full day of us checked out of our rooms in the school after breakfast, already in transit for our almost midnight flight out of Hawaii, a rough start. I knew when we finally arrived in our home base in Brazil that I was with a great team! :-))
We faced mosquitoes, itchy/poisonous plants, snakes, spiders, hunger pangs, sicknesses, fungus, allergies, lice, wasp stings, staph infection, heatstroke, sunburns, incubation/growth of something unknown inside someone’s toe, diarrheas, stomach cramps, mysterious bites, lack of safe drinking water, and slept dirty because there was no water to clean ourselves. Normal for the communities we visited! My team reacted to it all with good humour, perseverance and spiritual maturity. :-)
We also faced fears of drowning, scary nights, crazy dreams, bad news, and sunken boats. The news of our boat in Hawaii capsizing in a storm, with crew friends hurt, and a friend lost at sea, was the hardest for many of us to deal with. In our grieving, anger, sadness, and disbelief; God was the true comforter of our souls.
I loved witnessing our individual changes – my team and the local staff (Brazilians and foreigners). We all faced confrontations with God as we were lovingly taught hard lessons of spiritual growth. We also had to grow up relationally; living in community with diverse cultures, generations and personalities. With Jesus being our motivation for everything, I still get teary-eyed remembering many inspiring and heartwarming situations where God’s wisdom/guidance, godly compassion, God’s love and inward transformations were clearly evident in us.
We loved people from all the communities. They welcomed us; shared meals, stories, and hugs; created things with them; studied together; lived with them; prayed for them; and prayed with them. We witnessed God’s presence in all of these communities. There was a lot of hardness and brokenness, physically and spiritually. We saw only glimpses, but in those moments, God continuously revealed Himself to the community and to us.
My biggest growth was learning to walk life obediently listening to the daily promptings of the Holy Spirit. An example, during one of our intercession prayers for a community, I heard in my mind, “Listen to me, and I will teach you fear of the Lord”. Though we were confident it came from God, I researched it against scriptures in the bible, which showed it was in Psalms 34 (underlined):
“Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in him. Fear the Lord, you his holy people, for those who fear him lack nothing. The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.
Come, my children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the Lord.”
(Psalm 34:8-11 NIV)
As I understood what it meant to live in power in truth and in spirit, I became more willing to let go of control to God. As I kept “getting weird” for God, more amazing events occurred. I saw physical and spiritual healings, divine appointments, and specific answers to undisclosed prayers/questions. There were many incidents where God gave me (and the translators) specific commands. I was always freaked out, especially when others were getting the same understanding, because I did not control their experiences to be like mine! Some instructions I understood and others not. There were times I disobeyed because I felt embarrassed or did not feel confident.
There was an incident, where I declared loudly to my group I did not want to obey God(!!) in stating the person’s sin, uncomfortable with disciplining someone instead of only loving that person. I was so freaked out I cried to God when we got back to base. God reminded me of hearing Proverbs 3:5-6, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths”. I told God I thought it was for the person I spoke to, so I related it. But it was actually an encouragement meant for me, before God gave me the message to pass on, that I was uncomfortable with.... Still disconsolate, because I did not understand, I prayed for clarity, God immediately gave me Ephesians 5:10-11 (see below, underlined). He quickly took away my confusion and comforted me. God refined me to better discern whether the message is for me only, for others, or for all.
“Carefully determine what pleases the Lord.
Take no part in the worthless deeds of evil and darkness; instead, expose them. It is shameful even to talk about the things that ungodly people do in secret. But their evil intentions will be exposed when the light shines on them, for the light makes everything visible. This is why it is said, “Awake, O sleeper, rise up from the dead,
and Christ will give you light”. “
(Ephesians 5:10-14 NLT)
God was always life-giving when He exposed information to me/us that were accurate, but I/we had no previous knowledge of. I was learning to be obedient in speaking it out courageously, as well as how to bring Christ’s light into it. God always reached out with love, even when we were being corrected, never with condemnation! Despite my limitations and hesitancy, the commands were always accurate! And God always had a “backup plan”, nothing failed because I didn’t respond. God is so much bigger than myself, thankfully. :-)))
My biggest struggles were the mosquitoes that never left me despite insect repellents(!!!); and my immunity issues that physically and mentally weakened me. This season in Brazil I faced the choice - to either hold on to God, or to give up on being a missionary because of my health. Each day, and most of the 24 hours, of my two months in Brazil, especially the last month - I kept running to God for comfort and strength, to deal with the mosquitoes and my skin!!
In those times of hardships, God kept showing me that I was never alone. I smiled each time He reminded me He is more relentless in pursuit of me than those mosquitoes!! :-)) Then I covered as much of my skin as possible, while trying to not sweat from the humidity and heat(!!), because my weak immunity allowed fungus to grow on my skin and head that I had to keep clean and dry with medication.
God also assured that He cared for me and I am (we are) part of the body of Christ. He surrounded me with Christ-following sisters and brothers whom cared well for me, prayed for me, and laughed at my predicament with me (for example, joked I could farm mushrooms on my neck!!). We had much fun as I/we swatted and growled (and sang) at the mosquitoes! :-))) The guys hiked nightly to bring a bucket of drinking water for me to bathe in, in communities where they had to use river water! I have many stories of God’s specific provisions, financially and physically and spiritually, enabling me to continue to relentlessly pursue His promptings!! For example, when I purchased medications after a hospital visit, someone from home/overseas responded to God’s prompting to send me a random love gift that was exactly the amount I spent, before I knew I needed it!
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2. USA
After outreach in Brazil, we went back to Hawaii in February for debrief and graduation. I believe I am not yet release from God’s command to go to Hawaii, so I stayed. I staffed as the assistant to the missionary training director until April. Then I spent a week with family and my godchild’s family in May before my visa ended. I am thankful for the opportunity to learn much as a staff member; as well as being able to spend time with family and friends, reconnecting and loving them after years of separation.
There were many things I struggled with in Hawaii, that at the end of reading this you'd wonder why I stayed!!??.... My simple answer is I believe God has not released me from His command to go to Kona.
I will explain below some of my realities in this "paradise islands"....
Hawaii evokes romance for many honeymooners and lovers. Its remoteness appeals to those who wants to get away from hectic life. A dream holiday destination for many. Or a retirement location. The place to be in (to chase) paradise on earth.... I explored Maui thoroughly in 2009, in case I wanted to move there, so I had a good grasp of the reality of Hawaii-living before I enrolled for the discipleship school last year (September 2014).
Hawaii has amazing sunsets; my favourite fruits (mangoes, papayas, coconuts, avocados!!); abundant flowers (frangipanis!!) to put on my hair; interesting national parks, and warm waters to swim/play in. I was/am thankful for these little joys. :-)
People imagined me in Hawaii amongst palm trees, on a hammock, watching awesome sunsets, with a love interest, lazing away with coconuts to drink. This only happened once during my birthday (December 2014, minus the coconut and the lover)! ;-)))
Hawaii is truly very remote. See the map below for scale. It is surrounded and separated by water, in the middle of nowhere on its own, and is very small!! For me, now, it literally is the "ends of the earth" (Acts 1:8).
As a natural explorer and adventure-seeker, with strong wanderlust, I felt claustrophobic after one month of being in the island!!! But I wasn't there to party!! I was there for three months to learn more about God and immerse myself in His presence, so I did. I rarely had time to enjoy the waters being so busy in school, unless I was willing to snorkel/swim at night alone! I didn't because it was unsafe, and I promised my mentor and her husband that I wouldn't do any of my crazy antics while I was away. :-))
Being well travelled, I know of many countries and locations where the appeal of Hawaii to lovers, retirees, recluse, dreamers, and water-babies could also be easily met in paradise! Places I much favoured that spoilt me and suited my personality and it'd be easy to go back to "normal life".
I also “risk” assessed (hahah!) that my likelihood of staying single here in Hawaii is “very/too high”. Believe me and the locals here, it is a myth that Hawaii is for lovers for people my age, unless you brought your boyfriend/husband with you already! ;-)) Ack! Pray with me on this one, please, hahah (I'm serious!). :-)))
Truth was I did not have many simple comforts I took for granted. I shared a small room with two bunk beds, with three women! I craved for my own space; a living room and a couch; a kitchen(!); space in the bar fridge; public and private transportation to “get away”; bible study fellowship; legal work so I can earn money (my visa does not permit work); Belgian hot chocolate drink; air-conditioning; and variety of activities in my weeks. Minor complaints I know *smirk* ;-) - easily resolved if I move to a share house with higher bills. Something I will definitely pursue for longer term mission. My "home" is part of my ministry. I would love to be able to host people and cook and care for them in fellowship. :-)
For the first time, I felt very homesick. I missed my family, my church and my friends. I missed the diverse foods, culture, and my lifestyle. I missed the fruitful ministries I was involved in back home. I missed having control of my finance. In Melbourne, I was “in my zone” and felt wonderfully thriving for God. My pride missed seeing the results of my work, and the effectiveness of my labours... :-(((.
“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
(Matthew 11:28-30 ESV)
My peace of mind, conviction, contentment, and perseverance to stay despite all these lack comes from my growing faith and understanding of God’s character and His Father heart. In His great commission God confirmed with me “where” He wanted to send me (here in Kona). I didn’t know the “whys”, “how long for” and “what for”. But obedience is in following what I understood and trusting in faith that God will reveal more in His time., and He did. I can accept that God will not speak what’s next until I am done with what’s current. What’s important is I walk today and tomorrow faithfully and diligently in obedience and intimate relationship with God. :-)))
There are many ministries I could be (and am) involved in in Hawaii. There is much need for God’s workers worldwide. So it is important for me to be where God wanted to place me (despite my comfort levels and skills sets). When unsure, I accepted the opportunities available that activated my faith. But my focus was always in seeking to please God (obeying His commands) first, before myself, and others around me.
Currently, the ministries I felt pulled towards are staff development (growth in servant leadership, accountability and stewardship); to reach out to street people (homeless and various groups); and to physically/mentally challenged people. I know I could be involved in these ministries back home too, amongst many other options, as I tried to convince God to send me home. I was also aware that I need more theological foundation. But continuously He reminded me to not focus on my default to hard work; to not worry about my qualifications and educational achievements; to be still; and to let go of my fears. The triune God will faithfully provide all I need in His time, abundantly. He used my environments and situations, teaching me in apprenticeship, to grow me with immense awe of Him, to step out in wisdom of His truth and spirit. It might not meet my and people’s idea of standards and set expectations, but it really is enough. My confidence comes from tested and assured faith
in Him. I continue to grow much in Christ since eight months ago! I love this wonderful journey God is walking me through! :-)))
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Preach the Word"I charge you in the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who is to judge the living and the dead, and by his appearing and his kingdom: preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patience and teaching. For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions, and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths. As for you, always be sober-minded, endure suffering, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry."
(2 Timothy 4:1-5 ESV)
End Note:
I will send an update about my stay here in Australia, etc, next month. I’m just very happy to be home. :-)))
Thank you for walking through this journey with God together with me. :-))
Please pray for me, and my people/places of trust, as we continue to serve God and pursue following His commands. I am in the process of buiding-up my structure for long-term mission. I am also home to continue my medical treatments/check-ups.
