Bad Shepherd

This weekend I participated in an activity, where I was "planted". That meant I knew what was going on and my friend asked me to play a 'bad shepherd' role.

Each person was asked to pick up a piece of paper where they saw written one of five animals - pig, puppy, sheep, cow, and horse. Keeping their animal a secret, everyone was asked to wear blindfolds or keep their eyes shut. At the same time, blind, they called out the sound their animal made, to try "to find each other, be together and be at the right place".

I was meant to lead them astray.

The game started, it was noisy and chaotic. Slowly they started grouping. I chose to call out as a cow. I figured it was easy to "moo" and I made it as loud and obnoxious as I could make it (hurt my throat!).

I saw a conga line of moo-ers. I mooed long and loud next to and over them but they didn't pay attention to me, just sort of moo-ed back at me to reply. I went next to one girl and practically screeched "moo" to her ear. It wasn't soothing. I think I sounded like I was in a fight. But it worked. She let one arm go of the person in front of her, and while scrunching her face (eyes still closed) coz she was irritated by the sound of my voice. She reached for her ears then made a gesture of letting me in to join the line. Because she also stopped, she ended up losing the person in front of her. I distracted her.

I was shocked! What I did worked! I had her and at least four people behind her lost, standing still! All I had to do was put her hand on my shoulder and walk them away from the herd. Which was exactly what I was asked to do during the game.... It could have been fun, to see how they'd react when they found out they weren't "at the right place". To see if they'd complain about how off-putting I sounded, or if they didn't mind.

I couldn't do it. I ended up mute and dumbstruck. I knew it was only a game. Yet, I could not allow myself to lead them astray. I did not want to be that person "causing them harm".

Then I saw an arm reach out to her. I was surprised to see someone looking at me straight in the eye. We were both confused because we thought everyone was supposed to have their eyes closed. She whispered she was a shepherd. Aahhh, the good shepherd. I did not explain I was a bad shepherd, instead mumbled to her about being in the right place, and went back to bad-mooing. I refused to try to grab people again. The shepherd continued to keep everyone together, as well as watched me, but she still did not understand what I was doing.

Then the game ended. It was explained. I apologised to all the cows about my loud and irritating voice. :-)

I was glad the cows followed the voice of the good shepherd. (Not sure if it was part of the game, but) I was also glad when the flock was in danger, the good shepherd intervened and saved them.

John 10:1-21 New International Version (NIV)

The Good Shepherd and His Sheep

10 “Very truly I tell you Pharisees, anyone who does not enter the sheep pen by the gate, but climbs in by some other way, is a thief and a robber. 2 The one who enters by the gate is the shepherd of the sheep. 3 The gatekeeper opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. 4 When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice. 5 But they will never follow a stranger; in fact, they will run away from him because they do not recognize a stranger’s voice.” 6 Jesus used this figure of speech, but the Pharisees did not understand what he was telling them.

7 Therefore Jesus said again, “Very truly I tell you, I am the gate for the sheep. 8 All who have come before me are thieves and robbers, but the sheep have not listened to them. 9 I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved.[a] They will come in and go out, and find pasture. 10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

11 “I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. 12 The hired hand is not the shepherd and does not own the sheep. So when he sees the wolf coming, he abandons the sheep and runs away. Then the wolf attacks the flock and scatters it. 13 The man runs away because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep.

14 “I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me— 15 just as the Father knows me and I know the Father—and I lay down my life for the sheep. 16 I have other sheep that are not of this sheep pen. I must bring them also. They too will listen to my voice, and there shall be one flock and one shepherd. 17 The reason my Father loves me is that I lay down my life—only to take it up again. 18 No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord. I have authority to lay it down and authority to take it up again. This command I received from my Father.”

19 The Jews who heard these words were again divided. 20 Many of them said, “He is demon-possessed and raving mad. Why listen to him?”

21 But others said, “These are not the sayings of a man possessed by a demon. Can a demon open the eyes of the blind?”

First Multi-Day Hike

Two stories - biblical perspectives then practical lessons. Feel free to read either or both. Photos were taken by my travel companions.

I recently completed my first multi-day hike. My experiences in the past were luxurious camping; and a failed group overnight hike that was cut short due to poor preparation. I never thought I would do a hike where I had to carry a week of needs on my shoulders. No sherpa, no tour operator, no shower, no food drops or catering! Our provisions and supplies were only what we packed with us! It seemed "hard-core"!

Oh, I forgot to mention it was also in the MIDDLE of WINTER... ;-)

BIBLICAL

The extreme adventurer in me could not wait to go despite being new and ill-prepared, keen to crash-learn, and comfortable to rely on my companions' winter hiking experience. But a lot happened in the past year which made me keep in check my abilities and motivations. I was scared that I would injure my ankle for the third time and postpone again(!!) my trip to go overseas! I was also unfit and physically weak from a health issue that was still unstable.

I decided (and prayed) unless I had a confirmation from God, I was NOT GOING TO DO IT!! That was a definite change of behaviour. I used to just do what I liked. It was how I achieved many goals. This decision was painful, because I knew I would definitely regret not going, but it was a sacrifice I was willing to make and live with. I also knew God knows my passions and pursuits, my personality. So in His care, I trusted that God's plans were sovereign and most important, and my other passions will follow.

God knew I like confirmations coming from other people. Because I still question how I understand His messages for me, aware of my strong self-centredness, only more understanding and willing to do His promptings mostly if they were for others.

I don't tell anyone when and what I seriously pray for. In this instance, the answer came to me, then from my mentor, and while with my mentee, three days apart.... When I read the passage I prayed back saying, I heard it but I also knew I read the chapter it came come monthly. So I explained I may have pulled it out of memory to suit my needs.... While I was discipling, my mentor rang and quoted the same verse for me. I must stress here she rang me only occasionally, when she felt prompted. I laughed joyfully, explaining God gave me the same verse! It was the second time it happened between us :-)!! She admitted worrying about giving them to me because she knew how much of a risk-taker I am, but she responded obediently. She groaned when I told her what it related to and told me to be careful. I reassured her that I was going to take it as a confirmation; but still I wouldn't do anything (too) foolish, and will not go if it was going to jeopardise my overseas training. I shared the story to my mentee as she overheard my conversation, then the verse came out again while I was mentoring her and explaining prayers (if it was God-centred, versus self-centred) and answered prayers. It was a great testimony for my mentee to witness, praise the Lord!

... It was also the verse that kept me strong during the hike when the going got very very tough. Daily I thanked and praised God whom made me well and strong to actually do the hike. I knew He was with me, because from day one I knew I wasn't health-strong enough for it. My ankle became second priority to my health. I used all surges of energy that came to me. I was surprised! A bit/lot proud!!

My real strength came from real dependence on Him. My companions said I powered through (for us), when it was toughest, like when we walked through the rainstorm and floods. Like a child fully depending on Him, I had fun in the worst weather, being a duck, trudged through the puddles and floods. Immersed in God's wonderful creation, I enjoyed it in all forms/conditions! The spiritual lessons continued - using stars, mountains and valleys, forest and trees, and the different weather conditions faced. I smiled as I read my daily devotion/verses, each connected to what I perused in my mind earlier. :-)

I also met another Christian whom shared his faith with me, and his profession/knowledge. During the hike was the only place where it made sense for us to meet and talk (ahem, not romantically, hahah). I was sure we met for a reason (for myself or another Rach, in the next 5 years) - time will tell this one. :-)

The confirming verse was:

"When you walk, your steps will not be hampered; when you run, you will not stumble." (Proverbs 4:11 NIV)

PRACTICAL

My group hiked over 90 kilometres in the space of 7 days (initially planned a longer 8 day hike but the storm made us rush through and cut off side trips planned for the last 2 days). We walked through rain, sleet, ice, snow, leeches, rocks, slush, mud, et cetera. I ascended and descended for an average of 7 hours each day (including side trips), with a backpack and water/windproof gear on that weighed never less than of 15 kilogram. My wet clothing and drinking water added weight, so although I consumed about 400 grams of food daily from my total of 18 kilogram of gear,  my backpack did not feel much lighter.

Here's a list of what I learned and important lessons.

1. PREPARE well!!! I spent time to learn about correct gear, packing, weather conditions, first aid and food to bring. It was a serious hike. Not only did I have to contend with the challenge of carrying a heavy pack and walking for hours, already a great feat, but also had to factor in the danger of hiking in extreme winter weather.

2. WALKING POLES were life-saving for me. I was super glad I invested in them. Countless times each day I tripped, jumped, climbed and walked awkwardly along paths that were uneven or slushy or slippery, etc. I would have surely injured my weaker ankle on the first day without the poles.

3. Freezer bag meals! I only added hot water to all my breakfasts and dinners. I ate off the biodegradable and resealable bags so I only needed to wash my cutleries and sometimes my mug. I liked that I did not leave any (or left the littlest) trace of my foods down the drain. It was my effort to protect the national park. My meals were also labelled which was good when I was too tired to think.

4. Meals were measured for highest calories for least weight. I avoided instant noodles, instead opted for flavoured couscous and powdered mash potatoes, with tuna or dried meat like salami and chorizo. For breakfast I mixed powdered milk, nuts and muesli - surprisingly delicious so I looked forward to eating them in the morning. For lunch I ate ONE wrap with too much salmon, pate or cheese dips. Next time, I will pack TWO wraps for each lunch.

5. I was 1-2 days short of snacks, had to ration less the last 3 days to make sure I had enough variety chocolate bars, dried fruit slices and some nuts. I did not go hungry, but I could have eaten twice as much snacks each day. I underestimated protein bars. I was not a fan of eating nuts for snacks, best mixed with breakfasts or dinners.

6. Sachets of drinks like hot chocolate, tea and soups were nice for quiet celebratory drinks. The soups helped to add more "oomph" to my dinners. I did not go hungry (I even put on 2 kilograms during the hike!) but I could have eaten more for sure! I had no leftovers!

7. I packed 2 sets of walking thermals. For a week, with baby wipes and clean sleeping clothes, I could have survived with just one thermal pants and long-sleeve shirt. I brought 2 just in case one got wet. Both got wet in the end, but it did not matter I wore wet thermals while walking.

8. Invest in good winter hiking socks that would keep toes warm despite the socks being drenched with water.

9. Moist (not wet) gear could be dried by putting them inside the sleeping bag overnight. Body heat helped to dry my gloves, beanie and sweaty hiking clothes.

10. Biodegradable toothpaste - I forgot to consider it.

11. Don't walk on your knees and hands when climbing the highest summit covered in snow. ;-) I was very scared, freezing fingers, ready to give up! But I learned to "pack in ice" while walking upright, with a group that adopted my team to join their summit climb. They also gave me confidence to push ahead. 

12. Remember to keep the group together. It is not an individual race. Reduce the risk. Watch over each other. Enjoy! :-)

Dancing For Myself

It is past midnight... My knees are tired and quite bruised (hahah). I feel like I'm going to hurt tomorrow. I don't mind. I'm sleepy. I'm also buzzing with calm energy. I'm happy.

A friend invited me to a dance session tonight, and to make sure I would be comfortable, not knowing how I would react, it was explained to me in detail. Basically it was a free-for-all environment where people could dance the way they wanted to to various sounds during the two-hour session. The music changed to various rhythms so it allowed people to be inventive and playful and express how they felt through their dances. Think contemporary movements, I did ;-).

There was no outward worship/praying or "weird spiritual music". There were no profane, violent, political, or sexual lyrics. If there were words, they were positive and rated G (good for kids).  I believe no one was on illegal drugs. There was no alcohol being consumed. The air smelt nicotine-free. All those addictions/obsessions/negativity were left outside of the premise. It was like there was an unspoken rule where the venue was respected to be kept clean. It was purely a space where people whom loves to dance could be themselves and move however they wanted.

I LOVED IT. VERY VERY MUCH!!! VERY. VERY. MUCH.

I felt safe. No one made a pass at me. No one gave me sleazy or competitive looks. My comfort zone was never invaded. My property was casually tossed on a chair with all valuables in the open pockets of my expensive jacket. So were everyone else's belongings. The room oozed of trust.

I felt free to be myself. Only myself, without the masks or identities that we put on when we go to clubs or dance parties. I did not have to fake confidence or pull out my "ubercool". It was alright for the dancers to be dressed down or up, as long as they were comfortable. I wore old plain clothes, like I was in my lounge room dancing or about to go to sleep. Barefeet, with ugly ankle straps on.

I was comfortable. Grounded. Connected to myself. I danced how I loved to dance - only for myself.

*****

It was a NEW experience. I went in without hesitation. I high-fived my friend and went straight into the middle. Excited to just BE dancing! Though lost in my own world, I noted I was club-dancing, semi-choreographed, my usual moves. It took about 30-45 minutes to dance off what I knew, to remove my masks.

It helped when the DJ stopped the music and gathered us around her. She explained how she was going to play the rhythms, while she danced. She expressed emotions felt through movements. Then she went back to her music.

From that time on, a new form of dance broke out from me. I started on the ground, from my sitting position, stretching I think. Instead of dancing, in time and out of time with the music, I MOVED.

I was not in a trance. I was conscious and aware of the change. I blocked off caring how I looked. Slowly or suddenly... movements I never did before, and could not do before, manifested.

I loved it, the weirdness and awkwardness and unnaturalness of it. There was no consciousness to be perfect or powerful or beautiful. If anything, I knew what I wanted to do and how it came out were not as graceful as I hoped. For example, when I slowly kicked my legs up - like how ballerinas do it and keep them floating mid-air, or like capoeira.... I knew my legs were stumpy and heavy like an elephant was trying to dance, glad that I did not fall or twist my hips. But still, I kept doing them. And doing them and doing them!!

At times I went... primal, I guess, or interpretive... and did moves that were more intentionally heavy and/or less dancey. I pictured them intricate, with my eyes closed, but they probably looked confused. It did not matter to me. I allowed my body to do moves I could never do in other floors, like dance with my hands/face always reaching for the ground. I expressed emotions, following the mood of the music. I permitted myself to go along, regardless of whether I was feeling the mood or not, to witness what my body could do and not do.

I prayed silently a couple of times. I wanted to share my adventure with God while I thanked Him for giving me what I needed and depended on Him for my cover and protection. My friend suggested it was like sweating out our prayers :-).

I kept my eyes closed a lot, except when I had to make sure I did not crash into anyone while spinning or kicking or jumping or throwing my arms and body around. A few times I connected for a few seconds with other dancers. It was fun to do a few playful movements then separated. As an elephant on the dance floor I tripped a few (several) times. I even ended up sitting on a girl because I thought I was much much taller than I was and in my mind I was gonna pass my whole body on top of her (she was dancing closer to the ground and I was standing up), but my body was heavy and I landed on her. We laughed about it and she was a good sport.

Anyway, it was a really good experience for me. It must be how artistic/creative dancers feel....? Listening, observing and allowing their body to interpret what it received. Raw. Nice.

I used to think I already dance without caring what people think of me. Nah-ah!... It wasn't until last night, that I truly knew... how it is to dance without caring or showing off. Dancing completely and purely only for myself.

Broken

A few years ago I came across a picture of a broken vase that was pieced back together with gold. That pictured impressed upon me the beauty that could still be found in something broken. I thought the vase became more beautiful and more priceless. It was transformed into a thing of value, instead of being discarded useless.

Several months ago, a friend shared critical turning points in his life where pains were definitely being experienced. I recalled the vase and explained the art of repairing pottery with gold or silver lacquer. The same could happen for our heartaches, and our healing.

We could relate to feeling broken and not being valued - by others as well as by ourselves. We have memories of a person or people whom took us for granted and broke our hearts to pieces. Or we have made personal decisions that were harming us or detrimental to us.

Sometimes we learn from those experiences immediately and walk away. If we were a vase, we get chipped or one big piece gets broken.

Sometimes we stay in those experiences, so we continue to get chipped, and break more pieces.

At certain points we wish to be better. Life must be better than what we were enduring and experiencing!?!

We try to put our pieces back together. With glue, or with sticky tape, or bag them up together to fix later.

Yet, moving forward our lives continue breaking - big and small, intentionally and unintentionally. We reason that is what life is.

How do we fix those brokenness?? Can we really live life without fixing them?

Do we use tape? Do we buy a new vase and hide our broken pieces behind it? Do we continue on broken without any fixing? We could use glue (earthly things and natural support). Glue does work well in piecing things together, sometimes hiding the cracks, but there would always be areas where a space cannot be covered. I also think glued items no longer look/feel as good; and are no longer as strong and durable as pre-breaking. Fragile.

God is my master potter. He created me in His perfect image. I managed to not value that and broke my pieces. God does not want us/humanity to live alone in our brokenness. It breaks Him too to see us that way. To see us, His creation, trying to fix ourselves without Him, with glue at best. So he sent us Jesus.

Jesus is our gold repair. In having a personal relationship with Him, old glue/tape gets removed and our broken pieces gets realigned together with His gold. He fills up broken cracks of our lives were pieces went missing. We see our worth because of His mercy and love flowing along our breaking.

We continue to break ourselves being only human. We go back to old glue (habits). Maybe hard-headed that we don't need that (much) gold to be beautiful and to be worth-ful. Or treat the value of glue the same as gold. Foolishness.

If you've been piecing yourself with glue, that's great. I commend you for taking positive care of your life. I know it is your right to choose which to use - glue, gold, etc :-).

Allow me to hope and pray that you will have an open heart and open mind to consider piecing yourself together, with solid foundation, gold refined by fire, through the help of Jesus.

But now, O Lord, you are our Father; we are the clay, and you are our potter; we are all the work of your hand. - Isaiah 64:8

You say, ‘I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.’ But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see. - Revelation 3:17-18 

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. - Psalm 34:18

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. - Psalm 147:3

Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." - John 14:6 

A Prayer

I was asked how I prayed when alone. My reply was, "... in many ways...".

My prayers could be mixed with praises, thanks, prayers for others, prayers only for self, questions, in tears, even laughing, inaudibly, through singing out loud, while walking, while conversing, while reading, when a memory pops in my head, and while listening to songs. The subjects are also very varied, from generic to intentional and specific. I know I pray more than three times in a day, but I don't count how much more. Sometimes quick ones (less than a minute), sometimes much longer.

I recorded myself tonight while praying a "generic" prayer, expressing my heart and my thoughts for others and myself. It was harder because I was too conscious of my surrounding, of being recorded, and of needing to speak clearly so I could understand my communication. I may have also tried to be more "flowery" in my language. It is unnerving for me to share my prayer here, I feel too vulnerably open, but with a huge deep breath, I decided I could/would handle it.

Here's a glimpse of it, towards the end. Prayers thanking God for my blessings, general chat, and for the beautiful day omitted; because I mentioned in previous posts most blessings already. Prayers for others are best kept confidential or to share only with those closest friends. So I transcribed in personal form instead of in plural form:

Jesus thank you for your peace. Thank you for never leaving my side. I can't make the changes I long for on my own Lord. I cannot do it on my own. I'm so aware that I need you and your peace.  Thank you for comforting my pains, worries, tiredness. Thank you for your providing me all I need to overcome.... Help me to keep my eyes on you, to see you, my King and Saviour always before me, and not the losses or issues that might be before me. You have the ultimate power over everything God on this world and in the spiritual realm. You are the creator of all things and have authority over all things. All glory to you Father, amen. I welcome wholeheartedly your power and authority Lord Jesus, into my life....  I pray for your protection and armour cover God, tonight as I sleep and tomorrow. I ask for restful and restoring sleep. I ask for wisdom, and a sharp mind, and for the Holy Spirit to guide me in applying knowledge into my life Lord; giving you power and priority in my functions, actions and decisions. I ask for your peace into all situations I will encounter tomorrow and this week.... In Jesus name, amen.

If you feel you would like to pray the same prayer or parts of it. Please do. Let's pray together. :-))

Mommy's Little Girl

She chose to wait at least half an hour for seats at the brunch establishment that looked hip cool; in lieu of the more upmarket restaurant next door with empty seats. I promised her both places served delicious dishes. Go figure.

She was distracted. Having fun, posing for the camera she brought with her, fully charged. I played along. Took several shots, directed her poses and expressions. Half an hour passed snap!

She packed away her camera, rummaged in her bag. A little girl close-by loudly called out, "Mommy!". She replied, "Oh?!", as if she meant, "Yes, I'm here, what's up?".

I watched the milliseconds when her face changed, realising it wasn't her own child calling her. It wasn't me that called out. She thought I didn't hear her, didn't see me watching.

She brushed it aside. Not a big deal. I smiled.

++++++++++++++

I was sweet sixteen. Mommy and I were in a big department store. Several aisles separated us, interested in different things.

I heard her calling me singsong-ly, "Baby.... Baby.... Baby... Baby...". My nickname. The youngest within her clan.

I followed her voice, summoned by the music. I skipped along, then turned to the aisle where she stood facing the side where I popped out. There were three other random people with her.

Mommy was looking straight at me. The three however, two mature ladies and a senior man, looked more towards the ground. I recalled they all smiled, expectantly.

I stopped in my tracks, and saw all three of them raise their heads in unison - from my feet to my face. They all stared... confused... surprised! Then just as quickly, they started looking at other things and walked away. I stood there realising mommy called out so sweetly, they expected a very little girl who was as cute as a "Temple-button" to show up!

They, were disappointed. I smiled.

Writer and Astronaut versus Pirate

I completed an online survey last night for fun which pinpointed the career that would suit me after only ten multiple-choices questions (if only life was that easy hahah!). It confirmed that I should be a writer (ahem, blogger?). It was nice to see, however less-skilled at it (which could be improved) I felt, even not talented (but courageous hahah, ack!)....

I did the survey again today out of curiosity. To see if answering one question differently would change the outcome. I should be an astronaut!

I smiled quietly as a writer... I laughed out loud as an astronaut.

I agree that I have both strongly in me. Circumstances and choices encouraged one path more than the other, and made my current career different. Actually... maybe not so different(!?!)... hhmmm.

It showed what we (should) already know - that we are boundless and cannot be boxed, if we are passionate about what we do! Be encouraged! :-)

+++++++++++++++++++++

Encouraging friends told me I could be both (and more). I joked about my choice to become either an Astronaut Writer, or a Pirate Writer. I considered both professions amazingly cool, leftovers from my childhood imaginations and wonderment! :-))

An adult but not serious conversation arose with a friend, whom kindly advised me to not admit to liking piracy, because it is outside of the law. We laughed childishly about it, as we also conversed seriously about our choices and free will, as we both knew we were capable of taking our topics there and pick each other's brains.

As we were growing up we were always presented with at least two opposing alternatives. Irrespective of whether we found those situations to be challenges (some view as negative, others the opposite); or as adventures (some view as positive, others the opposite); our end-decisions for those situations always either took us within the acceptance of our community, or without.

We stay inside the laws of the land, or become outlaws.

We choose to be pillars of the community, or pillagers.

Astronaut or Pirate.

Dashing names for what we already are.

Both role models in their own right....

... We love the fact that we have the freedom and the right to do everything we want to do. We even fight and kill for those rights. We even fight and kill against those rights.

... These bible verses will bring me to my point:

"I have the right to do anything," you say--but not everything is beneficial. "I have the right to do anything"--but I will not be mastered by anything.- 1 Corinthians 6:12 (NIV) -

 "Everything is permissible"--but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible"--but not everything is constructive. Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others. - 1 Corinthians 10:23 (NIV) -

Nobody should seek only for his own good, but also the good of others.... Now, I know this could be practised by both the pirate and the astronaut in us, depending on which character you decided would control you. But there is where the distinction lies, which one does your choices feed and encourages?

 

Bread

Close friends are noticing I am losing weight, aware and unaware of what's on my plate, pun intended. The upsize is (I'm full of puns today eh? I'll have more below....) everyone wants to treat me out to encourage me to eat!! FREE FOOD!! Thank you *grinning shyly*.... :-)

We're doing the book of John again in church, and I love it. I'm reading other parts of the Bible, but John has been a great reminder and equipping for a lot of what I am doing and reflecting on lately.

Yesterday the topic was Jesus being the Bread of Life - John 6:22-58. So much kneaded into those verses!! Three to four services are needed to tackle them properly methinks. But the pastor did well condensing it for the congregation. If you want to hear the audio recording, let me know.

I'm gonna share a taster of how two verses spoke to me. It spoke to me in many ways, but I will share only one (or two) of those thoughts for now. They were after Jesus fed five thousand with five small barley loaves and two small fish, etcetera. People were desperately looking for Jesus, captivated by the miracle... or magic (depending on how you view this).

Jesus answered, “Very truly I tell you, you are looking for me, not because you saw the signs I performed but because you ate the loaves and had your fill. Do not work for food that spoils, but for food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you. For on him God the Father has placed his seal of approval.” (John 6:26, 27 NIV)

... We are such needy, needy, needy people. It's normal to gravitate towards anything that we decided meets those needs - foods, sex, drugs, hugs, alcohol, cigarettes, narcotics, magic, gambling, chocolates, possessions, companionship, exercises, pornography, material things.

Fulfilling? Or band-aid "fillers"??? Healing? Or Destructive?? Temporary fixes? Or permanent solutions?

Are you really, truly, honestly, completely... SATISFIED??

I love some of those I listed above that meets my physical and/or emotional needs, especially my "love tank fillers" that strengthens me, but they do always empty out. We fill up, give out or consume in, empty, and the cycle continues. We crave and reach for these familiars regardless of whether they have negative or positive impacts. It is alright if they are good for us and others, but worrying if not.

We stay in that cycle, instead of searching for a permanent "fill".

That's what some of those people in the verses above were doing. Looking of temporary fixes. Jesus knew. He told them not to do it. It wasn't the kind of filling and following He was after.

Paraphrased, Jesus said work for food that endures eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you. For on him God the Father has placed his seal of approval.

Worship God not for the richness and blessings and spoils and favours He gives you. Worship Him spiritually because you believe him, love him, honour him and want to serve him gladly; regardless of how much "food" he is currently giving you - abundant or lacking.

Live and love the Bread for your soul, not for your belly.

Seven Things Jesus Said On The Cross

I am sharing here notes and reflections I wrote during the Good Friday service (this year) in my church. It is not complete as I was listening and crying a lot, but hopefully it is enough to enrich us, to reflect on, or to dig into to understand it more. People have asked for a copy of my notes every time I mentioned it. May you also be stimulated by it.

The seven things Jesus said on the cross. Also known as His last words before physical death.

1. 

Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” And they divided up his clothes by casting lots.

- Luke 23:34 New International Version (NIV) -

• Instead of praying for himself, Jesus forgave and prayed for his enemies.
• Learn to look at anyone not beyond prayer.

2. 

Then he said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.” Jesus answered him, “Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in paradise.”

- Luke 23:42-43 NIV - 

• Good Friday is Jesus dying on the cross for our salvation.
• Jesus was not alone, on cross with two other thieves.
• One of the thieves understood about life after the physical one (in heaven).
• Believing and putting faith in Jesus, the thief was given the promise of eternal life.

3. 

Near the cross of Jesus stood his mother, his mother’s sister, Mary the wife of Clopas, and Mary Magdalene. When Jesus saw his mother there, and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby, he said to her, “Woman, here is your son,” and to the disciple, “Here is your mother.” From that time on, this disciple took her into his home.

- John 19:25-27 NIV -

• It is believed that the disciple mentioned was Peter.
• Jesus was saying to Mary, "I am no longer your son". Peter from then took his (human) place.
• Jesus still provided to Mary - as she was physically losing her son, she was provided for with another. God is good.
• Mary was then to regard Him as her Saviour and her Lord.
• Mary lost an irreplaceable son but gained an incomparable Saviour!

4. 

From noon until three in the afternoon darkness came over all the land. About three in the afternoon Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?” (which means “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”).

- Matthew 27:45-54 NIV -

• Jesus quoted Psalm 22:1-2

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?    Why are you so far from saving me,    so far from my cries of anguish?My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer,    by night, but I find no rest.

• Jesus quoted this:

• To fulfil the prophecy.
•  Because it was what he was experiencing when he took mankind's sins.

• ... I pictured Jesus crying out to God loudly in immeasurable pain and agony, when he finally experienced how it felt to be cut off and what it meant to be separated from the Father. It was too painful to imagine, for Jesus was always in the presence of the Father. It must have felt like DEATH as he paid for our sins.... I felt wretched death as I sat there and it was excruciatingly painful. Jesus carried it ALL for us in obedience.
• ... Someone (days later) mentioned to me Jesus possibly spoke Aramaic specifically so the Pharisees could understand him, but not the commoners, because it was an elite language....
• Possible, I also thought maybe it was because Jesus was talking as a man directly to God, so he spoke out in the tongue he used to communicate to the Father. Similar to how we speak to God privately with our most painful and vulnerable cries.... I lately did not have the words to convey well what's in my heart and/or mind in our conversations, so I spoke in private tongue only us/He could understand.

5. 

Later, knowing that everything had now been finished, and so that Scripture would be fulfilled, Jesus said, “I am thirsty.”

- John 19:28 NIV -

• The last word of any dying man comes from the heart.
• How could a God who can create all things cry out, "I thirst!"?
• It showed Jesus became fully human while carrying our sins. While a man, Jesus felt extreme physical thirst to take on, carry and suffer for humanity's sins.
• Note before crucifixion Jesus declined (recorded in Matthew 27:34) the drink with vinegar offered by Roman soldiers to help dull the pain and lessen his physical suffering. There's also no record of him accepting the offer of same drink while he hung on the cross (see Luke 23:36).
• Jesus embodied more than the physical pain. He also shared mankind's agony and spiritual separation from God.
• ... I kept thinking of 'He gives me Living Water and I thirst no more'.... or John 4:14 where Jesus said, "...but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life." It made me picture Jesus again cut off from God to carry our sins and it hurt!! I felt intense pain and intense gratefulness.
• ... I thought of Jesus thirsting for us (believers of God) mentally. He was alone, spiritually thirsty and in need of fellowship and of God's presence. In his continuous act of love he thirsted for us so that in our salvation we no longer have to thirst.
• ... I saw Jesus even in his last stage and in extreme agony, with a fully alert mind. Everything he did in obedience to God was already finished, yet he still fulfilled another prophecy. Tonight, I found out what that prophecy was (Psalm 69:21, NIV):

They put gall in my food and gave me vinegar for my thirst.

• What fascinated me is that this specific vinegar drink was there ready to fulfil this scripture. God works amazingly in all situation that sinful mankind unknowingly fulfilled the prophecy! God also uses those who opposes and/or are against him according to his perfect plan!
• I remember being shocked when one of the readers asked the question if God looked away in disgust when Jesus was being forsaken (because of our wicked sins). This confirmed to me that the Father was with Jesus the whole time. Jesus depended on God to provide him the drink. He chose the right time to drink - not to satisfy himself (his thirst), but instead to continue glorifying God.

6. 

When he had received the drink, Jesus said, “It is finished.” With that, he bowed his head and gave up his spirit.

- John 19:30 NIV -

• John was the only one who recorded this shout of victory.
• For Jesus to muster up his pains and said it in a loud voice means it was a celebration and a significant event.
• Jesus fulfilled the Law by completing it in sinless life.
• Jesus completed the prophecy all the way to his last breath.
• Jesus defeated Satan and crushed Satan's death. Satan has no authority over us!
• What begun in the mind of God has now come to pass. God's righteous demand has been fulfilled. Praise God.

7. 

Jesus called out with a loud voice, “Father, into your hands I commit my spirit.” When he had said this, he breathed his last.

- Luke 23:46 NIV -

• Jesus is in total control of life and death. He laid down his own life to God.
• He said, as written in Psalm 31:5 (NIV):

Into your hands I commit my spirit; deliver me, Lord, my faithful God.

• Jesus rests content because he has achieved. Forgiveness is now available.
• John 10 spoke of eternal life to those who listens to Jesus.
• The soldier who guarded Jesus, witnessed all that has happened, and saw how Jesus died exclaimed(!!), "Surely, this man was the son of God!" (Mark 15:39 and Matthew 27:54) - What is your response? - You pay or He paid?
• We believe not because we are dying but because we are moving from death to life.

Unconscious Fast

Today, two female friends giggled when they saw me preparing a 9.30am breakfast of steamed vegetables and dumplings. I excused it as an early brunch *wink*.... I mentioned to them I was actually not hungry, but I was very aware that I only ate once yesterday - a small late lunch, after having only hot chocolate in the morning. No cookies or other treats consumed alternatively.

I admitted my appetite has shrunk since last month. I ate more, with effort, when I was out with friends. I struggled to finish those meals. I don't think I am losing (much) weight, and they agreed. We put it down as a symptom of the stressful situations I am still handling. Then the conversation went something like:

Me: "I'm keeping an eye on it. I still have a lot of fat in my body I can use for energy (last time I checked I was 65-67kg, including muscle!! Heheheh).... As long as I don't go under 50kg, I should be okay."... (Then I explained to my new friend with a questioning look)... "I once weighed 48kg and I didn't think it was healthy. My friends said I looked great, but I think they were secretly worried. I felt good, and even believed I looked good, but I think it was too skinny for my height. So to take care, like today, I am forcing myself to eat, to give my body something to burn."

(New friend nodded and said something in agreement. Then I noticed my other friend with a goofy smile on her face. I passed on the questioning look to her.)

Friend: "I was just thinking about how I have never been over 50kg (she's smaller than me, and less active)...." (We laughed.)

Me: "That's okay, you can stay in that range of under 50... I'll take care of the over 50 zones." (More laughs then they left to do pilates training.)

I don't know, maybe it was only funny to us. It made me reflect on other conversations I had with male and female friends about (outward) beauty. I will share more about those later. For this post, I realised that:

• In lack of appetite, I am unconsciously fasting. I'm not eating my usual 3-5 meals per day.
• Our/my body's reaction could be far disconnected to our psychological well-being.

I will still say that I am at peace and trusting God's plans, protection and provision. It is well with my soul. I am okay :-). Currently awaiting the result for the most serious issue and awaiting to go through the others. They are all always in God's hand. I am just running the "race" as well as I could. Focused on the bigger pictures - keeping myself aligned to God's values, plan and commission ;-).

While waiting, my mentor and her husband told me to make sure I eat and rest; and to seek professional help if needed. I agreed. So far, so good :-).

But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

- Isaiah 40:31 -