Unconscious Fast

Today, two female friends giggled when they saw me preparing a 9.30am breakfast of steamed vegetables and dumplings. I excused it as an early brunch *wink*.... I mentioned to them I was actually not hungry, but I was very aware that I only ate once yesterday - a small late lunch, after having only hot chocolate in the morning. No cookies or other treats consumed alternatively.

I admitted my appetite has shrunk since last month. I ate more, with effort, when I was out with friends. I struggled to finish those meals. I don't think I am losing (much) weight, and they agreed. We put it down as a symptom of the stressful situations I am still handling. Then the conversation went something like:

Me: "I'm keeping an eye on it. I still have a lot of fat in my body I can use for energy (last time I checked I was 65-67kg, including muscle!! Heheheh).... As long as I don't go under 50kg, I should be okay."... (Then I explained to my new friend with a questioning look)... "I once weighed 48kg and I didn't think it was healthy. My friends said I looked great, but I think they were secretly worried. I felt good, and even believed I looked good, but I think it was too skinny for my height. So to take care, like today, I am forcing myself to eat, to give my body something to burn."

(New friend nodded and said something in agreement. Then I noticed my other friend with a goofy smile on her face. I passed on the questioning look to her.)

Friend: "I was just thinking about how I have never been over 50kg (she's smaller than me, and less active)...." (We laughed.)

Me: "That's okay, you can stay in that range of under 50... I'll take care of the over 50 zones." (More laughs then they left to do pilates training.)

I don't know, maybe it was only funny to us. It made me reflect on other conversations I had with male and female friends about (outward) beauty. I will share more about those later. For this post, I realised that:

• In lack of appetite, I am unconsciously fasting. I'm not eating my usual 3-5 meals per day.
• Our/my body's reaction could be far disconnected to our psychological well-being.

I will still say that I am at peace and trusting God's plans, protection and provision. It is well with my soul. I am okay :-). Currently awaiting the result for the most serious issue and awaiting to go through the others. They are all always in God's hand. I am just running the "race" as well as I could. Focused on the bigger pictures - keeping myself aligned to God's values, plan and commission ;-).

While waiting, my mentor and her husband told me to make sure I eat and rest; and to seek professional help if needed. I agreed. So far, so good :-).

But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

- Isaiah 40:31 -