Baptismal First Anniversary

It's been a year since I was baptised as a born-again Christian - 14 April 2013. This weekend was spent reflecting a lot on the events since then, my current situations, and wonderment for my year ahead.

I love and fear and worship God. My relationship with Jesus continues to mature. My understanding and relationship with the Holy Spirit (aka Spirit of God) has also opened up and is developing. My Bible is my favourite book for my Christ-centred life's questions and journeys. My prayer life is... amazing! I always felt embarrassed to pray outwardly, not sure if I'd ever get over that shyness and awkwardness. But private conversations with God, especially when... I can best describe as "being in the presence of the Trinity", is always overwhelmingly and abundantly filled with love, despite pains and rebukes, or needs of comfort.

Life is very blessed, many things to be thankful for. However, at the moment it is not easy. I'm even dealing with three very serious matters currently, with various affects to myself. Or, six to eight issues, if I include the resulting secondary effects I could think of that I also have to keep a handle of. Physically and/or naturally I am not coping as well as I thought I could - (near) tears regardless of time and location, anxieties, shakes/wobblies, self-denial, disbelief, dread, grief, tightness of chest, headaches, difficulty breathing, staring blankly into space, tiredness, lost of appetite, lack of sleep, and/or only want to sleep. All conditions are very frustrating because uncontrollable(!!!) human reactions I want to move on from, but they linger asking for attention and time. Spiritually, however, I really am otherwise happy and at peace with the fact that I know that God is in control, so I keep my focus on the Lord.

Despite those distractions and my state of affairs I am ready, willing to trust, and obeying, to continuously pass on His blessings to others, including to my adversaries. It is harder to give blessings to someone who wronged me though, not because I do not want to share, but because he/she do not want or do not trust to accept it. Or just hostile towards me. Also, to ensure my safety and wellbeing, God's blessings for them cannot come directly from me at the moment. God's using others, He is always pursuing us for our salvation. So, although I have to keep myself out of harm's way now, and go through the natural processes, I pray my adversary/ies will not be excluded from God's love/care by people around us, and that he/she will seek Jesus. I'm hoping people will reflect good grace to him/her against... bad.

IF(!) it is God's will, I will accept everything in gladness. I will explain the "IF" later, when I post disapprovingly about being on "cruise control", which is a rebuke that will also definitely apply to me.

How do I envision my year ahead? I do not know at the moment. Two of the serious matters will determine largely my path forward. Focusing on not just overcoming or surviving - instead excelling and/or winning each race or challenge - by ensuring that my motivations, inspirations, decisions and reactions are aligned to Kingdom living and values.

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I attached below a copy of my testimony last year:

I too experienced heartaches, neglects and disappointments. The hardest were my brother's death and when I held on to relationship with men whom I thought were godly and good. Still, my life was significant, fulfilled and blessed – good health and fitness; travels; work; great colleagues; supportive though worried family; and protective and encouraging friends.

My relationship with God was distant and one-sided. I really didn’t know Him, but I knew He was always there for me. As a child I was awkward, unsure, incapable and not confident. But knowing that God had my back even when he was testing me, disciplining me, or reprimanding me assured me to to move forward through the challenges even when I failed; and I gained confidence. I knew God loved me, and took care of me even when I disregarded Him. Years later, I became me… like a bullet train… unstoppable!

So what happened? Why change when life was great and even go through a baptism, especially when I didn’t care for it before…?

I had an unpleasant conversation with 3 missionary friends in Jerusalem in August 2010. I found out I had what I called a “Jesus Block”. I didn't want to pray to anyone else but God. So I didn’t worship Jesus even though I believed in Him, then I couldn’t have been a Christian. My going to church was therefore confused, because it seemed Christians always mentioned and worshipped Jesus more than God…??!! I didn’t want to pray to anyone else but God! I didn’t want to do things just because I learned to. I was confronted to “unlearn” and start from scratch.

I did that by speaking to God and I listened, which I wasn't really doing before. I got into the habit of reading my bible (and other books, just in case God was elsewhere). I searched for a healthy church and found [name omitted for privacy, thanks for the heads up G!]. I attended courses like Alpha to shake the foundations of my beliefs, Life Worth Living and Jesus Lifestyles to understand what being a true Christian means. I discussed the bible and attended several Christian and non-Christian events for perspectives; and sought discipleship. Within all that I changed. Instead of just words or an idea – the Trinity of God/Jesus/Holy Spirit started to make sense. It was clear.

Now, as I wrestle through many things and the order of my priorities and passions changed, I still continue to feel much release and joy and peace. I haven’t forgotten the problems around me. I still go through concerns, struggles and desires/wants/needs. But I have confidence that is more than from myself. There’s a part where me ends and God takes over. Psalm 23 was the answer to prayers on how to explain my relationship with God.

Shortened it says, “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want…. He leads me… He refreshes my soul… He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake…. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil, for you are with me… comfort me…. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”

God leads me. I always run ahead curious, willing and (un)knowing. I always have to press my brakes and look back, to see where I am and where He is. I keep on chasing, investigating, loving, experiencing, living life. I lose sight of God, I look for Him, and I head back (or walk forward) to be in His presence. We walk closely together again. He let's me move ahead confidently.... He leads me that way.

That’s why I am publicly declaring my devotion to be a witness for Christ and to accept in faith the transformation and the call to Kingdom living and values; and committing my life to His cause.