Broken

A few years ago I came across a picture of a broken vase that was pieced back together with gold. That pictured impressed upon me the beauty that could still be found in something broken. I thought the vase became more beautiful and more priceless. It was transformed into a thing of value, instead of being discarded useless.

Several months ago, a friend shared critical turning points in his life where pains were definitely being experienced. I recalled the vase and explained the art of repairing pottery with gold or silver lacquer. The same could happen for our heartaches, and our healing.

We could relate to feeling broken and not being valued - by others as well as by ourselves. We have memories of a person or people whom took us for granted and broke our hearts to pieces. Or we have made personal decisions that were harming us or detrimental to us.

Sometimes we learn from those experiences immediately and walk away. If we were a vase, we get chipped or one big piece gets broken.

Sometimes we stay in those experiences, so we continue to get chipped, and break more pieces.

At certain points we wish to be better. Life must be better than what we were enduring and experiencing!?!

We try to put our pieces back together. With glue, or with sticky tape, or bag them up together to fix later.

Yet, moving forward our lives continue breaking - big and small, intentionally and unintentionally. We reason that is what life is.

How do we fix those brokenness?? Can we really live life without fixing them?

Do we use tape? Do we buy a new vase and hide our broken pieces behind it? Do we continue on broken without any fixing? We could use glue (earthly things and natural support). Glue does work well in piecing things together, sometimes hiding the cracks, but there would always be areas where a space cannot be covered. I also think glued items no longer look/feel as good; and are no longer as strong and durable as pre-breaking. Fragile.

God is my master potter. He created me in His perfect image. I managed to not value that and broke my pieces. God does not want us/humanity to live alone in our brokenness. It breaks Him too to see us that way. To see us, His creation, trying to fix ourselves without Him, with glue at best. So he sent us Jesus.

Jesus is our gold repair. In having a personal relationship with Him, old glue/tape gets removed and our broken pieces gets realigned together with His gold. He fills up broken cracks of our lives were pieces went missing. We see our worth because of His mercy and love flowing along our breaking.

We continue to break ourselves being only human. We go back to old glue (habits). Maybe hard-headed that we don't need that (much) gold to be beautiful and to be worth-ful. Or treat the value of glue the same as gold. Foolishness.

If you've been piecing yourself with glue, that's great. I commend you for taking positive care of your life. I know it is your right to choose which to use - glue, gold, etc :-).

Allow me to hope and pray that you will have an open heart and open mind to consider piecing yourself together, with solid foundation, gold refined by fire, through the help of Jesus.

But now, O Lord, you are our Father; we are the clay, and you are our potter; we are all the work of your hand. - Isaiah 64:8

You say, ‘I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.’ But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see. - Revelation 3:17-18 

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. - Psalm 34:18

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. - Psalm 147:3

Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." - John 14:6 

A Prayer

I was asked how I prayed when alone. My reply was, "... in many ways...".

My prayers could be mixed with praises, thanks, prayers for others, prayers only for self, questions, in tears, even laughing, inaudibly, through singing out loud, while walking, while conversing, while reading, when a memory pops in my head, and while listening to songs. The subjects are also very varied, from generic to intentional and specific. I know I pray more than three times in a day, but I don't count how much more. Sometimes quick ones (less than a minute), sometimes much longer.

I recorded myself tonight while praying a "generic" prayer, expressing my heart and my thoughts for others and myself. It was harder because I was too conscious of my surrounding, of being recorded, and of needing to speak clearly so I could understand my communication. I may have also tried to be more "flowery" in my language. It is unnerving for me to share my prayer here, I feel too vulnerably open, but with a huge deep breath, I decided I could/would handle it.

Here's a glimpse of it, towards the end. Prayers thanking God for my blessings, general chat, and for the beautiful day omitted; because I mentioned in previous posts most blessings already. Prayers for others are best kept confidential or to share only with those closest friends. So I transcribed in personal form instead of in plural form:

Jesus thank you for your peace. Thank you for never leaving my side. I can't make the changes I long for on my own Lord. I cannot do it on my own. I'm so aware that I need you and your peace.  Thank you for comforting my pains, worries, tiredness. Thank you for your providing me all I need to overcome.... Help me to keep my eyes on you, to see you, my King and Saviour always before me, and not the losses or issues that might be before me. You have the ultimate power over everything God on this world and in the spiritual realm. You are the creator of all things and have authority over all things. All glory to you Father, amen. I welcome wholeheartedly your power and authority Lord Jesus, into my life....  I pray for your protection and armour cover God, tonight as I sleep and tomorrow. I ask for restful and restoring sleep. I ask for wisdom, and a sharp mind, and for the Holy Spirit to guide me in applying knowledge into my life Lord; giving you power and priority in my functions, actions and decisions. I ask for your peace into all situations I will encounter tomorrow and this week.... In Jesus name, amen.

If you feel you would like to pray the same prayer or parts of it. Please do. Let's pray together. :-))

Mommy's Little Girl

She chose to wait at least half an hour for seats at the brunch establishment that looked hip cool; in lieu of the more upmarket restaurant next door with empty seats. I promised her both places served delicious dishes. Go figure.

She was distracted. Having fun, posing for the camera she brought with her, fully charged. I played along. Took several shots, directed her poses and expressions. Half an hour passed snap!

She packed away her camera, rummaged in her bag. A little girl close-by loudly called out, "Mommy!". She replied, "Oh?!", as if she meant, "Yes, I'm here, what's up?".

I watched the milliseconds when her face changed, realising it wasn't her own child calling her. It wasn't me that called out. She thought I didn't hear her, didn't see me watching.

She brushed it aside. Not a big deal. I smiled.

++++++++++++++

I was sweet sixteen. Mommy and I were in a big department store. Several aisles separated us, interested in different things.

I heard her calling me singsong-ly, "Baby.... Baby.... Baby... Baby...". My nickname. The youngest within her clan.

I followed her voice, summoned by the music. I skipped along, then turned to the aisle where she stood facing the side where I popped out. There were three other random people with her.

Mommy was looking straight at me. The three however, two mature ladies and a senior man, looked more towards the ground. I recalled they all smiled, expectantly.

I stopped in my tracks, and saw all three of them raise their heads in unison - from my feet to my face. They all stared... confused... surprised! Then just as quickly, they started looking at other things and walked away. I stood there realising mommy called out so sweetly, they expected a very little girl who was as cute as a "Temple-button" to show up!

They, were disappointed. I smiled.

Writer and Astronaut versus Pirate

I completed an online survey last night for fun which pinpointed the career that would suit me after only ten multiple-choices questions (if only life was that easy hahah!). It confirmed that I should be a writer (ahem, blogger?). It was nice to see, however less-skilled at it (which could be improved) I felt, even not talented (but courageous hahah, ack!)....

I did the survey again today out of curiosity. To see if answering one question differently would change the outcome. I should be an astronaut!

I smiled quietly as a writer... I laughed out loud as an astronaut.

I agree that I have both strongly in me. Circumstances and choices encouraged one path more than the other, and made my current career different. Actually... maybe not so different(!?!)... hhmmm.

It showed what we (should) already know - that we are boundless and cannot be boxed, if we are passionate about what we do! Be encouraged! :-)

+++++++++++++++++++++

Encouraging friends told me I could be both (and more). I joked about my choice to become either an Astronaut Writer, or a Pirate Writer. I considered both professions amazingly cool, leftovers from my childhood imaginations and wonderment! :-))

An adult but not serious conversation arose with a friend, whom kindly advised me to not admit to liking piracy, because it is outside of the law. We laughed childishly about it, as we also conversed seriously about our choices and free will, as we both knew we were capable of taking our topics there and pick each other's brains.

As we were growing up we were always presented with at least two opposing alternatives. Irrespective of whether we found those situations to be challenges (some view as negative, others the opposite); or as adventures (some view as positive, others the opposite); our end-decisions for those situations always either took us within the acceptance of our community, or without.

We stay inside the laws of the land, or become outlaws.

We choose to be pillars of the community, or pillagers.

Astronaut or Pirate.

Dashing names for what we already are.

Both role models in their own right....

... We love the fact that we have the freedom and the right to do everything we want to do. We even fight and kill for those rights. We even fight and kill against those rights.

... These bible verses will bring me to my point:

"I have the right to do anything," you say--but not everything is beneficial. "I have the right to do anything"--but I will not be mastered by anything.- 1 Corinthians 6:12 (NIV) -

 "Everything is permissible"--but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible"--but not everything is constructive. Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others. - 1 Corinthians 10:23 (NIV) -

Nobody should seek only for his own good, but also the good of others.... Now, I know this could be practised by both the pirate and the astronaut in us, depending on which character you decided would control you. But there is where the distinction lies, which one does your choices feed and encourages?

 

Bread

Close friends are noticing I am losing weight, aware and unaware of what's on my plate, pun intended. The upsize is (I'm full of puns today eh? I'll have more below....) everyone wants to treat me out to encourage me to eat!! FREE FOOD!! Thank you *grinning shyly*.... :-)

We're doing the book of John again in church, and I love it. I'm reading other parts of the Bible, but John has been a great reminder and equipping for a lot of what I am doing and reflecting on lately.

Yesterday the topic was Jesus being the Bread of Life - John 6:22-58. So much kneaded into those verses!! Three to four services are needed to tackle them properly methinks. But the pastor did well condensing it for the congregation. If you want to hear the audio recording, let me know.

I'm gonna share a taster of how two verses spoke to me. It spoke to me in many ways, but I will share only one (or two) of those thoughts for now. They were after Jesus fed five thousand with five small barley loaves and two small fish, etcetera. People were desperately looking for Jesus, captivated by the miracle... or magic (depending on how you view this).

Jesus answered, “Very truly I tell you, you are looking for me, not because you saw the signs I performed but because you ate the loaves and had your fill. Do not work for food that spoils, but for food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you. For on him God the Father has placed his seal of approval.” (John 6:26, 27 NIV)

... We are such needy, needy, needy people. It's normal to gravitate towards anything that we decided meets those needs - foods, sex, drugs, hugs, alcohol, cigarettes, narcotics, magic, gambling, chocolates, possessions, companionship, exercises, pornography, material things.

Fulfilling? Or band-aid "fillers"??? Healing? Or Destructive?? Temporary fixes? Or permanent solutions?

Are you really, truly, honestly, completely... SATISFIED??

I love some of those I listed above that meets my physical and/or emotional needs, especially my "love tank fillers" that strengthens me, but they do always empty out. We fill up, give out or consume in, empty, and the cycle continues. We crave and reach for these familiars regardless of whether they have negative or positive impacts. It is alright if they are good for us and others, but worrying if not.

We stay in that cycle, instead of searching for a permanent "fill".

That's what some of those people in the verses above were doing. Looking of temporary fixes. Jesus knew. He told them not to do it. It wasn't the kind of filling and following He was after.

Paraphrased, Jesus said work for food that endures eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you. For on him God the Father has placed his seal of approval.

Worship God not for the richness and blessings and spoils and favours He gives you. Worship Him spiritually because you believe him, love him, honour him and want to serve him gladly; regardless of how much "food" he is currently giving you - abundant or lacking.

Live and love the Bread for your soul, not for your belly.

Seven Things Jesus Said On The Cross

I am sharing here notes and reflections I wrote during the Good Friday service (this year) in my church. It is not complete as I was listening and crying a lot, but hopefully it is enough to enrich us, to reflect on, or to dig into to understand it more. People have asked for a copy of my notes every time I mentioned it. May you also be stimulated by it.

The seven things Jesus said on the cross. Also known as His last words before physical death.

1. 

Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” And they divided up his clothes by casting lots.

- Luke 23:34 New International Version (NIV) -

• Instead of praying for himself, Jesus forgave and prayed for his enemies.
• Learn to look at anyone not beyond prayer.

2. 

Then he said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.” Jesus answered him, “Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in paradise.”

- Luke 23:42-43 NIV - 

• Good Friday is Jesus dying on the cross for our salvation.
• Jesus was not alone, on cross with two other thieves.
• One of the thieves understood about life after the physical one (in heaven).
• Believing and putting faith in Jesus, the thief was given the promise of eternal life.

3. 

Near the cross of Jesus stood his mother, his mother’s sister, Mary the wife of Clopas, and Mary Magdalene. When Jesus saw his mother there, and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby, he said to her, “Woman, here is your son,” and to the disciple, “Here is your mother.” From that time on, this disciple took her into his home.

- John 19:25-27 NIV -

• It is believed that the disciple mentioned was Peter.
• Jesus was saying to Mary, "I am no longer your son". Peter from then took his (human) place.
• Jesus still provided to Mary - as she was physically losing her son, she was provided for with another. God is good.
• Mary was then to regard Him as her Saviour and her Lord.
• Mary lost an irreplaceable son but gained an incomparable Saviour!

4. 

From noon until three in the afternoon darkness came over all the land. About three in the afternoon Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?” (which means “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”).

- Matthew 27:45-54 NIV -

• Jesus quoted Psalm 22:1-2

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?    Why are you so far from saving me,    so far from my cries of anguish?My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer,    by night, but I find no rest.

• Jesus quoted this:

• To fulfil the prophecy.
•  Because it was what he was experiencing when he took mankind's sins.

• ... I pictured Jesus crying out to God loudly in immeasurable pain and agony, when he finally experienced how it felt to be cut off and what it meant to be separated from the Father. It was too painful to imagine, for Jesus was always in the presence of the Father. It must have felt like DEATH as he paid for our sins.... I felt wretched death as I sat there and it was excruciatingly painful. Jesus carried it ALL for us in obedience.
• ... Someone (days later) mentioned to me Jesus possibly spoke Aramaic specifically so the Pharisees could understand him, but not the commoners, because it was an elite language....
• Possible, I also thought maybe it was because Jesus was talking as a man directly to God, so he spoke out in the tongue he used to communicate to the Father. Similar to how we speak to God privately with our most painful and vulnerable cries.... I lately did not have the words to convey well what's in my heart and/or mind in our conversations, so I spoke in private tongue only us/He could understand.

5. 

Later, knowing that everything had now been finished, and so that Scripture would be fulfilled, Jesus said, “I am thirsty.”

- John 19:28 NIV -

• The last word of any dying man comes from the heart.
• How could a God who can create all things cry out, "I thirst!"?
• It showed Jesus became fully human while carrying our sins. While a man, Jesus felt extreme physical thirst to take on, carry and suffer for humanity's sins.
• Note before crucifixion Jesus declined (recorded in Matthew 27:34) the drink with vinegar offered by Roman soldiers to help dull the pain and lessen his physical suffering. There's also no record of him accepting the offer of same drink while he hung on the cross (see Luke 23:36).
• Jesus embodied more than the physical pain. He also shared mankind's agony and spiritual separation from God.
• ... I kept thinking of 'He gives me Living Water and I thirst no more'.... or John 4:14 where Jesus said, "...but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life." It made me picture Jesus again cut off from God to carry our sins and it hurt!! I felt intense pain and intense gratefulness.
• ... I thought of Jesus thirsting for us (believers of God) mentally. He was alone, spiritually thirsty and in need of fellowship and of God's presence. In his continuous act of love he thirsted for us so that in our salvation we no longer have to thirst.
• ... I saw Jesus even in his last stage and in extreme agony, with a fully alert mind. Everything he did in obedience to God was already finished, yet he still fulfilled another prophecy. Tonight, I found out what that prophecy was (Psalm 69:21, NIV):

They put gall in my food and gave me vinegar for my thirst.

• What fascinated me is that this specific vinegar drink was there ready to fulfil this scripture. God works amazingly in all situation that sinful mankind unknowingly fulfilled the prophecy! God also uses those who opposes and/or are against him according to his perfect plan!
• I remember being shocked when one of the readers asked the question if God looked away in disgust when Jesus was being forsaken (because of our wicked sins). This confirmed to me that the Father was with Jesus the whole time. Jesus depended on God to provide him the drink. He chose the right time to drink - not to satisfy himself (his thirst), but instead to continue glorifying God.

6. 

When he had received the drink, Jesus said, “It is finished.” With that, he bowed his head and gave up his spirit.

- John 19:30 NIV -

• John was the only one who recorded this shout of victory.
• For Jesus to muster up his pains and said it in a loud voice means it was a celebration and a significant event.
• Jesus fulfilled the Law by completing it in sinless life.
• Jesus completed the prophecy all the way to his last breath.
• Jesus defeated Satan and crushed Satan's death. Satan has no authority over us!
• What begun in the mind of God has now come to pass. God's righteous demand has been fulfilled. Praise God.

7. 

Jesus called out with a loud voice, “Father, into your hands I commit my spirit.” When he had said this, he breathed his last.

- Luke 23:46 NIV -

• Jesus is in total control of life and death. He laid down his own life to God.
• He said, as written in Psalm 31:5 (NIV):

Into your hands I commit my spirit; deliver me, Lord, my faithful God.

• Jesus rests content because he has achieved. Forgiveness is now available.
• John 10 spoke of eternal life to those who listens to Jesus.
• The soldier who guarded Jesus, witnessed all that has happened, and saw how Jesus died exclaimed(!!), "Surely, this man was the son of God!" (Mark 15:39 and Matthew 27:54) - What is your response? - You pay or He paid?
• We believe not because we are dying but because we are moving from death to life.

Unconscious Fast

Today, two female friends giggled when they saw me preparing a 9.30am breakfast of steamed vegetables and dumplings. I excused it as an early brunch *wink*.... I mentioned to them I was actually not hungry, but I was very aware that I only ate once yesterday - a small late lunch, after having only hot chocolate in the morning. No cookies or other treats consumed alternatively.

I admitted my appetite has shrunk since last month. I ate more, with effort, when I was out with friends. I struggled to finish those meals. I don't think I am losing (much) weight, and they agreed. We put it down as a symptom of the stressful situations I am still handling. Then the conversation went something like:

Me: "I'm keeping an eye on it. I still have a lot of fat in my body I can use for energy (last time I checked I was 65-67kg, including muscle!! Heheheh).... As long as I don't go under 50kg, I should be okay."... (Then I explained to my new friend with a questioning look)... "I once weighed 48kg and I didn't think it was healthy. My friends said I looked great, but I think they were secretly worried. I felt good, and even believed I looked good, but I think it was too skinny for my height. So to take care, like today, I am forcing myself to eat, to give my body something to burn."

(New friend nodded and said something in agreement. Then I noticed my other friend with a goofy smile on her face. I passed on the questioning look to her.)

Friend: "I was just thinking about how I have never been over 50kg (she's smaller than me, and less active)...." (We laughed.)

Me: "That's okay, you can stay in that range of under 50... I'll take care of the over 50 zones." (More laughs then they left to do pilates training.)

I don't know, maybe it was only funny to us. It made me reflect on other conversations I had with male and female friends about (outward) beauty. I will share more about those later. For this post, I realised that:

• In lack of appetite, I am unconsciously fasting. I'm not eating my usual 3-5 meals per day.
• Our/my body's reaction could be far disconnected to our psychological well-being.

I will still say that I am at peace and trusting God's plans, protection and provision. It is well with my soul. I am okay :-). Currently awaiting the result for the most serious issue and awaiting to go through the others. They are all always in God's hand. I am just running the "race" as well as I could. Focused on the bigger pictures - keeping myself aligned to God's values, plan and commission ;-).

While waiting, my mentor and her husband told me to make sure I eat and rest; and to seek professional help if needed. I agreed. So far, so good :-).

But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

- Isaiah 40:31 -

Most Precious Treasure

[Quick post, coz I'm actually getting ready to go somewhere!! I'm testing changing my routine, where hopefully it will lead to more (quality!?) posts.]

We've all been chasing various things and experiences to improve our lives, to make it more... meaningful... enjoyable... peaceful... exciting... loved... accepted... connected.

Blah blah blah you know what I'm talking about! ;-)

So we treasure those ownership and experiences. We say "mine", "I did it" and "I know" amongst many statements of achievements. And we plan to do more and find more. We (un)consciously create our identity through them. I know I personally cannot wait to explore more of our beautiful world; experience more of other cultures; and be with the man I would spend my life with; and God willing give birth. I am also proud of my work and my current achievements and identity. Those are mine, not achieved alone obviously, but mine nonetheless. I cannot (or will not) pass them on to you. Mine. :-)

It's different when it comes to Jesus. I strongly want to give/share Him with you. He is my biggest lifetime treasure, our Triune God - God the Father, God the son Jesus Christ, and the Spirit of God.

Naturally, because I love you (my friends, family, colleagues), I want to share with you my blessings and gains. I cannot quite enjoy my treasures fully when I know my love ones are denied of them, or do not have them. It is like I am eating the best meals at the dining table with you while you are only eating plain white bread. You may say it is your choice to eat plain bread, but in my head I am thinking "Why!!???". Share God's loving blessings with me! Because I know my treasure is good, I want you to know about it too and share the same experiences. I took great pains in ensuring that what I am sharing with you here now is not bad. As you know of my character and personality (pre-born-again-Christian),  I do not ever want to lead my love ones astray! I never like being a bad influence. I'm very responsible that way, and you my closest connections know this!! So naturally, for me to love all of you is to share with you what's most important to me. It is Jesus.

Even more, for God so love you, he gave you Jesus!!!

When I tell you that I love you, know that what I am telling you fully is that...

"God loves you. Jesus loves you. I love you."


“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."
- Matthew 6:19-21 -

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.
- John 3:16-17 -

Baptismal First Anniversary

It's been a year since I was baptised as a born-again Christian - 14 April 2013. This weekend was spent reflecting a lot on the events since then, my current situations, and wonderment for my year ahead.

I love and fear and worship God. My relationship with Jesus continues to mature. My understanding and relationship with the Holy Spirit (aka Spirit of God) has also opened up and is developing. My Bible is my favourite book for my Christ-centred life's questions and journeys. My prayer life is... amazing! I always felt embarrassed to pray outwardly, not sure if I'd ever get over that shyness and awkwardness. But private conversations with God, especially when... I can best describe as "being in the presence of the Trinity", is always overwhelmingly and abundantly filled with love, despite pains and rebukes, or needs of comfort.

Life is very blessed, many things to be thankful for. However, at the moment it is not easy. I'm even dealing with three very serious matters currently, with various affects to myself. Or, six to eight issues, if I include the resulting secondary effects I could think of that I also have to keep a handle of. Physically and/or naturally I am not coping as well as I thought I could - (near) tears regardless of time and location, anxieties, shakes/wobblies, self-denial, disbelief, dread, grief, tightness of chest, headaches, difficulty breathing, staring blankly into space, tiredness, lost of appetite, lack of sleep, and/or only want to sleep. All conditions are very frustrating because uncontrollable(!!!) human reactions I want to move on from, but they linger asking for attention and time. Spiritually, however, I really am otherwise happy and at peace with the fact that I know that God is in control, so I keep my focus on the Lord.

Despite those distractions and my state of affairs I am ready, willing to trust, and obeying, to continuously pass on His blessings to others, including to my adversaries. It is harder to give blessings to someone who wronged me though, not because I do not want to share, but because he/she do not want or do not trust to accept it. Or just hostile towards me. Also, to ensure my safety and wellbeing, God's blessings for them cannot come directly from me at the moment. God's using others, He is always pursuing us for our salvation. So, although I have to keep myself out of harm's way now, and go through the natural processes, I pray my adversary/ies will not be excluded from God's love/care by people around us, and that he/she will seek Jesus. I'm hoping people will reflect good grace to him/her against... bad.

IF(!) it is God's will, I will accept everything in gladness. I will explain the "IF" later, when I post disapprovingly about being on "cruise control", which is a rebuke that will also definitely apply to me.

How do I envision my year ahead? I do not know at the moment. Two of the serious matters will determine largely my path forward. Focusing on not just overcoming or surviving - instead excelling and/or winning each race or challenge - by ensuring that my motivations, inspirations, decisions and reactions are aligned to Kingdom living and values.

****************

I attached below a copy of my testimony last year:

I too experienced heartaches, neglects and disappointments. The hardest were my brother's death and when I held on to relationship with men whom I thought were godly and good. Still, my life was significant, fulfilled and blessed – good health and fitness; travels; work; great colleagues; supportive though worried family; and protective and encouraging friends.

My relationship with God was distant and one-sided. I really didn’t know Him, but I knew He was always there for me. As a child I was awkward, unsure, incapable and not confident. But knowing that God had my back even when he was testing me, disciplining me, or reprimanding me assured me to to move forward through the challenges even when I failed; and I gained confidence. I knew God loved me, and took care of me even when I disregarded Him. Years later, I became me… like a bullet train… unstoppable!

So what happened? Why change when life was great and even go through a baptism, especially when I didn’t care for it before…?

I had an unpleasant conversation with 3 missionary friends in Jerusalem in August 2010. I found out I had what I called a “Jesus Block”. I didn't want to pray to anyone else but God. So I didn’t worship Jesus even though I believed in Him, then I couldn’t have been a Christian. My going to church was therefore confused, because it seemed Christians always mentioned and worshipped Jesus more than God…??!! I didn’t want to pray to anyone else but God! I didn’t want to do things just because I learned to. I was confronted to “unlearn” and start from scratch.

I did that by speaking to God and I listened, which I wasn't really doing before. I got into the habit of reading my bible (and other books, just in case God was elsewhere). I searched for a healthy church and found [name omitted for privacy, thanks for the heads up G!]. I attended courses like Alpha to shake the foundations of my beliefs, Life Worth Living and Jesus Lifestyles to understand what being a true Christian means. I discussed the bible and attended several Christian and non-Christian events for perspectives; and sought discipleship. Within all that I changed. Instead of just words or an idea – the Trinity of God/Jesus/Holy Spirit started to make sense. It was clear.

Now, as I wrestle through many things and the order of my priorities and passions changed, I still continue to feel much release and joy and peace. I haven’t forgotten the problems around me. I still go through concerns, struggles and desires/wants/needs. But I have confidence that is more than from myself. There’s a part where me ends and God takes over. Psalm 23 was the answer to prayers on how to explain my relationship with God.

Shortened it says, “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want…. He leads me… He refreshes my soul… He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake…. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil, for you are with me… comfort me…. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”

God leads me. I always run ahead curious, willing and (un)knowing. I always have to press my brakes and look back, to see where I am and where He is. I keep on chasing, investigating, loving, experiencing, living life. I lose sight of God, I look for Him, and I head back (or walk forward) to be in His presence. We walk closely together again. He let's me move ahead confidently.... He leads me that way.

That’s why I am publicly declaring my devotion to be a witness for Christ and to accept in faith the transformation and the call to Kingdom living and values; and committing my life to His cause.

Top Tens - Autumn 2014

[I'm confused now when summer officially ended...? I'm also adding my top ten material wish list.]

Ten Things I Love/Appreciate

1. Love tight, long, bear-like hugs.

2. Appreciating exercise - not my usual crazy, bone-tiring ones... just active.

3. Home-cooked meals, thanks :-)

4. My mentor and her husband staying in my church for another year, at least.

5. Appreciating my spiritual peace. It was broadened then shaken last month, but I think despite myself still trying to understand my newer experiences, I am quite peaceful, accepting all with gladness because I listen, discern, believe and trust.

6. I'm still on "pause" spiritually, yet it is alright.

7. My female friends. And bestie with family.

8. Appreciating God's provisions of people helping to handle some serious issues.

9. Appreciating knowledge and understanding of different levels of battles and more about Jesus.

10. God's cover, answers, protection, armour, blessings, lessons, lovingkindness, authority.

Ten Things I Miss/Dislike

1. Missing tight, long, bear-like hugs.

2. My orchid plants died.

3. Too distracted to continue learning to play guitar, or to swim, or anything.

4. Dislike anxiety (physical can't sleep; mental can't stop thinking), when there was/is no need to worry.

5. Still missing two-hours of head-to-toe deep tissue or sports massage with scented oils.

6. Dislike dealing with serious issue, and that I cannot talk about it.

7. Dislike another issue I can talk about, but would prefer to handle quietly first.

8. Dislike being single, at the moment. But getting to know is nowadays too time consuming.

9. Miss travelling, going away to recharge (flight reaction for sure!)

10. That this post feels uninspired, skirting around topics I really want to discuss.... :-((

Ten Wishes/Prayers

1. For God's armour to always/daily cover me and family and friends, hedge of protection with the blood of Jesus (not literal for those who don't understand!).
2. To understand and be better equipped, about all I am learning now about the Holy Spirit and spiritual warfare.
3. For my family to each have a personal relationship with Christ.

4. To win. Overcome. Conquer. Lead. In Jesus name.

5. To start playing guitar again, hopefully I haven't forgotten too much. 

6. For my (and friends') relationship and friendships to be encouraging, strengthening, positive and protected.

7. That opportunities keeps coming and presenting itself; and that I respond rightly/appropriately, by taking them on, or saying no.

8. To learn how to plan and shop for food/groceries weekly, so I can be a better cook.

9. For my ankle to be healed strong, my core/stomach muscles to be strong, and my posture to improve.

10. For my (ad)ventures to be successful.

Ten Material Wish List ;-)

1. There's a property (properties!) in France I am looking at to buy. Next to the beach, away from Paris but a direct TGV train (approx 470kms away), behind it an old castle (what's left of it), 300 metres from the beach, walking distance from the main hubs so infrastructure/facilities are available. If I turn the attic into a room with balcony, I'm pretty sure it will have more than a little view of the sea. I can make myself afford the villa. I just don't know how i'll maintain it! This or any French property purchase will definitely be for keeps! <3
2. A tablet or an ipad. To use for video/photo processing and editing. I'm very tactile, I'd prefer to use my fingers than a mouse to do things.
3. If not above, a dual-sim phablet/phoblet/foblet(?).... you know which one I'm talking about.
4. More income-generating investments, so I can have my own place at home and my second home (see above, hahahah).
5. Folding hula hoops of various sizes. I used to be good at twirling them, good for core exercise.
6. Portable pole, yes for dancing and rotation/strength work. If you're imagining something close to porn or prostitution get your mind off the gutter. I found out how good an exercise routine it is in 2005.
7. My own potted herbs and vegetable garden.
8. Canon DSLR lenses, tripod, and equipment for lighting and studio photography.
9. A human/robot caddy to carry and take care of equipment above while I'm in my artistic zone ;-).
10. A moped.
11. It's almost winter! Thigh-high boots!!! <3 :-)
12. Long or oversized, thick, grandparents-style cardigan. Those ones that feel like I am getting hugged! <3 :-)