Beautiful Sunday

Today's weather forecast was cold, raining and grey. As usual, world news was also full of sadness, conflicts and loss. And tonight, it is freezing! It’s easy for our mood to be brought down by it all, including by events in our daily lives. So it is important to always try to focus on the good things in life. Some time back I wrote in my social networking profile's status update:

 

"Be thankful. There are so many things to be thankful for. Quit taking things for granted and be thankful, it makes it special. People are special, what you do is special, what happens to you is special, what you have in your life is special. You have to make things special or you’ll get into a traditional humdrum blah feeling and then really, it is your own fault."

With this ideology, allow me to illustrate by using today.

I woke up knowing today was going to be a horrible day. Not a good time to be outside, easier to cancel plans instead, and hibernate. I was also quite physically tired, even fatigued. I logged in to a social networking site and behold, status updates showed lots of sad news. Aware that our actions and mindframe has a strong effect on our mental state and how well/badly our daily lives pan out, I refused to let myself feel down. I was cheerful despite of the negativity and problems I faced. I posted the song that popped in my head, which seemed suitable enough for a Sunday and stated:

“Lotsa sad news worldwide as status updates are showing me…. I’m off to church… and this chirpy song is playing in my head… a reminder to not take life (now) and love (when you find it) for granted…. Do good and be good, love and accept love. Lovelots! Xx :-)”.

Click here if interested to listen to the song while reading this blog :-).... I followed my update with:

"by the way, it's very cold, wet, and grey outside. But I'm walking in that rain with a smile on my face, enjoying today!! :-)))”.

And I did! My huge umbrella wide open, listening to gospel songs in my music player while also singing "Beautiful Sunday" in my head (I don't know how that was possible, but that was how it was), enjoying the cold air - I walked smirking/smiling with a little skip to my steps. I even did a little dance in the rain, like I was softly kicking imaginary puddles or doing a low cancan, hahahah! It made the guy walking past me smile and he did what looked like a Greek dance where he crisscrossed his legs moving sideways with his hands outstretched. We both laughed and nodded goodbye to each other, not stopping to continue our journeys. A moment shared, our good humour infectious!

The looong walk to church in dismal weather became bearable (no trams passed by!). After attending the service, a meeting (where I received good news, thank you!) and a nice cheap lunch (I’m on a tight budget, so this was appreciated), I walked out to a glorious sunny day! I was so surprised, so unexpected! Immediately my good mood level went higher some more. I needed to move more of my belongings to my new place today. A dry day was exactly what I needed! Thank you!

I missed the tram so I had to walk (home) again. My body felt too tired to chase after the tram I could see ahead. While walking I saw an older woman who seemed stressed. The map in her hand a giveaway, she wanted to go back to her hotel which was not too far off where I was heading. We walked together laughing and exchanging stories. I dropped her off, she was very appreciative. We had such a good time that when I looked back after crossing the street, she was still smiling and waving goodbye to me! Sweet! I smiled and waved back and continued on. Our chance meeting made the walk feel shorter and more fun – I was thankful for that too.

I was running out of energy. I knew I could only do one trip. So I filled my backpack and 2 other bags full and loaded myself up like a mule. I think altogether I was carrying between 30 to 40 kilograms. Food stuff is always packed small yet heavy, so my hand-carry felt like it it was more than 10kg. The other bag I carried across my body, lighter but very bulky. The backpack behind me felt like another person.

I walked out still surprised and thankful it was sunny. There was no way I could foot travel the 20+ minutes (without baggage) to my new place, I would probably faint from exhaustion halfway to it! I dreaded the long wait for the 2 trams I had to catch (up to 20 minutes each, which felt like eternity in my condition at the time). I walked to the stop for the second tram (a short distance), where the tram arrived pretty much as soon as I got to it. We were packed in like sheep but I got in. Woohoo! Thank you.

It was a huge relief to drop down my bags at my new place (and doing the trip only once). While unpacking I looked out my window/balcony and realised aside from the building in front of my apartment, I actually have a nice unblocked view of the city! I believed I would only see other buildings; through people’s apartment windows; and an unattractive landscape. The view is not as good as my other city apartments, but it is still attractive. Awesome! Thank you.

I was getting ready to leave when my housemate’s friend arrived. She mentioned they were going to the gym. Though I thought I saw a sign saying “gym” at the reception foyer when I was inspecting the apartment, I did not know we had a gym! I must have been so focused on finding a “long term” nest, which was stressful at the time. Another nice surprise. We also have a pool, yaaahhoo! A few days ago I felt sad thinking I would lose the pool. My current place has a nice heated lap pool and gym, but I could only use them outside business hours. Tenants use was restricted as both facilities were connected to a private gym business. I loved the fact I still had the option, but I actually gave up using the pool as the restriction was a huge hindrance for me. I was usually too lazy or dressed comfortably for bed by the time it was open to tenants.... I still haven’t seen my new apartment’s gym and swimming pool. The pool may be a quarter of the size of a lap pool but it is accessible all the time until closing times. My gratefulness finding my new place increased - seeming to have good housemates; a very clean home; perfect location; easy access to a gym and a pool; cheaper costs long term; feeling safe and stable; and being chosen to live there by my landlord. It became the best “home sweet home”! Thank you God. I trusted you and again you provided, beyond my expectations.

Outside, the sun was setting and it was still clear weather. I was tired but beaming with happiness and gratitude, just the right “perk me up” I needed, ready to walk back to my old place again. I was hopeful but already expecting to not see a tram. There it was 3 stops away, giving me ample time to walk slowly to the next stop. Nice.

I alighted one stop past my usual (my place could be reached between the two), was about to walk back towards my apartment, when I noticed… in front of me was a clear enough view of my old apartment and my workplace. I wanted to have a photograph of the two together but I didn’t know how I could fit them in and still be distinguishable. There it was in front of me hahahah! With a sufficient enough phone camera and just enough daylight left, I took the memorable/sentimental photos. A few passers-by could not understand why I was so happy snapping into a direction “without a landmark nor an interesting view” - “bloody tourists”, they probably thought, hahahah!

I reached home, hungry, and in my fridge was the beef stew cooked for me by a friend who visited a few days ago. He intentionally cooked extra so I could put it aside to eat properly for a day like today (too tired, home-delivered meals or microwave-ready food only please!). Delicious dinner, with cake for dessert, was served.

A day that started with very little promise, ended up with overwhelming and generous reminders of goodness and kindness!

Life is good. Blessings are continuous and abundant. Appreciate what you have, especially the little things, even if you personally think they are random or circumstantial.

My earlier post "Spiritual" gave a glimpse of my relationship with God. So I will also say, thank you Lord for taking care of me, and giving me what I need plus more, surrounding me with good people, and showing me the wonders and joys of life from basic things. I feel so blessed. You are an awesome God.

10 Things I Love and Miss - Middle of Winter's List

Ten Things I Love This Winter

1. Sunny breaks
2. Random acts of kindness from strangers
3. New kindhearted friends
4. Acts of kindness by friends
5. Finally finding “long-term” accommodation where I can really settle in to concentrate on other pursuits
6. My mom, niece and nephew together at last (mom to spend time with another nephew soon I hope!)
7. Spiritual growth
8. International home-cooked meals made for me by friends, yum!
9. Quality time with my family
10. Having the means and ability to properly take care of myself - not being helpless

Ten Things I Miss This Winter

1. Hot chocolate drink with marshmallows
2. Full body massage
3. Summertime spent in North Coast, Egypt (or Dahab)
4. Travelling, learning and experiencing a new country and it’s people/culture
5. My brain or specifically my memory – I can't seem to keep what I learn in nowadays, eg languages…. I take longer to understand technical knowledge lately too. Hope it’s not because I am getting old, hahahah!
6. My little Delight’s purrs, meows, nudges, hugs and affection (my cat, she passed away while I was overseas, broke my heart)
7. Lying down in the park – it’s too cold and wet at the moment!
8. Really engaging conversations
9. Salsa, or learning a new dance (I’ve been interested in learning tango for 3 years now, but my dance partners are overseas!)
10. Active outdoors fun – hiking, camping, snorkelling, sailing, abseiling, hide and seek, tag, kite flying, etc - anything active really, done with nature or outside

 

Spiritual

Many people have heard me describe myself as "spiritual". I deemed this term closest to my feelings and faith towards God. I also always hesitated to call myself "religious". The main reasons for my past silence and hesitance were:

1. I liked the privacy (with regards my relationship with God);

2. I had disappointing experiences from other Christians; and

3. I felt I was not always setting a "perfect" example, so I did not want non-Christians to be able to use me as an example of a "bad Christian".

I learnt about God just like most children, when we got taught to recite "Our Father" and do the sign of the cross. However, my family was not devout, or rarely practiced. I did not grow up within a family that disciplined me and instilled in me religious values. They did not even know I attended church. I could have easily been an agnostic by default.

My relationship with God blossomed on its own. I always felt Him caring for me, nurturing me, protecting me, and guiding me - even when I didn't know who He was. From 6 years old I already did not agree to praying to other saints and did not understand why I was being told I could not speak directly to God (as I was unclean so I had to go through priests and confess my sins to them). The God I knew/felt was more loving and welcoming. Of course I was too young to voice out my understanding, so I was confused until I attended a Christian school for 2 years when I was about 9 years old. I later moved to another school where I became more exposed to my family's other religion, but I continued to attend a Christian fellowship until I left school to move overseas. Unfortunately it was then, overseas (now home), where I had disappointing experiences from other Christians. Circumstances and relationship then fostered my "private worship" for more than a decade.

In my years of private worship I thought I stayed close to God. I poured my heart out to Him and He knew me inside out. I just talked to Him everywhere, and did not concern myself with practices or structures. He continued to care for me. He nurtured me, forgave me, loved me, protected me, provided for me, inspired me, pushed me, encouraged me, soothed me and guided me - but this time I knew who He was. I was not living life exactly as written in the Bible (hence my hesitation to call myself a "practicing/religious Christian"), but everything I was - my achievements and my various growths - I owed to God. I was who I became because He brought me up. I always felt His love and presence. I was confident and capable because of God, and I thanked Him constantly, albeit silently.

I was confident and capable, to a fault. I once got told by a colleague I should never stop asking God for things. I mentioned to my Bible study group at work that I already felt very blessed. Other people had stronger needs, so I was thanking Him for my blessings, but only asked for very simple things (eg "please make my train late or my feet run fast", when I was running late for work). It felt selfish to ask for more. God always gave me what I needed (though not all I wanted), or He gave me the ability/means to get what I wanted on my own. So all I asked for were strength, courage, wisdom, serenity and humour to deal with life crises He would throw at me.

The glass was mostly "more than half full". Problems were tackled quickly and dreams were confidently chased (okay, maybe with some nervous crying). But I forgot about Satan affecting my life coz when bad situations arose I dealt with them immediately with the skills and wisdom I learned with God's help; or I toughened them out. I always thought there were far worse problems in the world; and God would not have given me the problems I faced if He thought I would not have been able to survive them. So I guess, I knew I would feel pain, but I was still invincible...? That was how much I loved God and trusted God.

During my walkabout (long travels) I started searching for a church (which I found in Notting Hill Gate, London. I'm so grateful Kensington Temple does webcast). I had spiritual questions that baffled me and I knew I wouldn't find the answers on my own. It took a while for me to understand (and I am still learning, with the help of my new church here at home). Life stayed good, even when it was not perfect, I was still grateful for many things.

I had a truly amazing experience travelling! And I met many awesome people whom I wonderfully kept in contact with - good friends! Unfortunately though my worst life experiences to date, or "dark moments", also happened then. I dealt with those moments as positively as I could at the start, as I thought God made me "battle ready". I admit that in my trust and love for God, plus because I felt God's protection and love for me my whole life, I thought He would not let me go through those awful events or let wicked people affect me. So I simply asked for my usual top five - strength, courage, wisdom, humour and serenity. Instead I became continuously vulnerable and repeatedly beaten down by an onslaught of events and losses.

I lived a double life - lots of travels, fun, opportunities and friends; but I was crushed and beaten down in other aspects of my life. I suffered almost as much as I enjoyed life. The blessings were followed with griefs and misfortunes. I always travelled with sickness, sorrow, or a heavy burden/heart. Yet I could not disregard being very grateful I was still able to live my dreams!! My lowest breaking point was when my eldest brother passed away. I felt my strength to fight forward leave me. Absolute vulnerability. Life's trials continued but I was numbed. A handful of people were aware of parts of what had been happening, some wanted me to stop travelling and go home. I did go home/give up, but it was the escape of travel and living my dream (or forcing myself to continue travelling) that kept my spirit ignited (or at least kept me busy as I had to survive in foreign countries). So I carried on with all I was given (blessings and griefs); pursued my travels while I tried to heal instead of staying home; and let go of what was not mine or never mine to hold on to.

Years of reflecting later, I still do not understand if there was a purpose to those experiences (according to God's plans). I also cannot fully determine how much of it I should blame solely on myself and my decisions/actions/folly (human responsibility). I do not know how much of my bad experiences were God's doing, if any; and how much were not (e.g spiritual battles). But my faith in God is strong, He brought me up well and I will always have Him as my foundation. In my deepest sorrow I had some moments where I felt alone, God showed me He was with me, or with us. In my lowest points when I had trouble communicating with God He reminded me that He equipped me enough to still pull through. I forgot to just trust Him fully, as I kept trying to understand the situations and fix/deal/survive them on my own. Maybe that was THE lesson I had to learn and remember. Or maybe, God used me to remind others of their lessons. I don't know. I do not have to understand. I'm just glad they are over now :-).

I made a lot of bad decisions and bad reactions. There was a time where I was VERY scared as I saw myself morph into a person I did not like and I never thought I would become (I let God down and I let myself down). I felt powerless to stop it and even felt I needed to be it to survive or to love. I almost convinced myself to believe the warped mentality, a conditioning I found out a lot of women (and some men) accepted. It was the top five characteristics I always asked God to give me that pulled me out of this mess and the other matters I battled - strength, courage, wisdom, serenity and humour.

Now when I feel fragile, I have some learned reactions I cannot shake off. Maybe I need those instinctive reactions to protect myself from harm and dangerous situations/people I could face in my future (mis)adventures, especially if I will be alone. Maybe they made me more human. I was so assured in the past, it even amazes me now how invincible I felt! What I were was unintentionally self-righteous, because I really did not understand, even though I thought I did (looking in from outside). Going through some experiences myself, I feel I have a deeper understanding to humanity. Sympathy about certain situations has turned into empathy, which I know is better and more compassionate towards what others are going through. I also learnt more about unconditional forgiveness; accepting loss (or never owning what I had let go); friendships in spite/despite of; healing; resilience; and truthful/unselfish love.

I am more flawed and faulty, with new bad habits. A part of me wishes for the old me back - I seemed so good, shiny and perfect then compared to me now. I was unknowing but much easier to handle. However, there's something about the way I am developing that is also... interesting.... Like a series of artwork and I've only seen the start. Hopefully a working progress :-). I know it's weird to talk of one's self this way, but I cannot help wonder how I will turn out... :-).

Life is such a curious journey. And I am still a willing student :-).... I will sign off with my favourite scripture from the Bible, which is Proverbs 3:5-6.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."

Open Rebuke Is Better Than Hidden Love

When we truly care for or love someone, we let them get away with much, to make life comfortable. We are not perfect. We cannot judge. We have to be patient, supportive and understanding. But, when you see the person/group is making bad decisions and choices, repeatedly (or for the first time), we should talk to them. Especially when everyone else is talking about this person's issue amongst each other but not with him/her! Bring up the issue/s even at the risk of offending or putting ourselves in uncomfortable situations.

How we should handle each situation is hard to simplify. It is often delicate to balance when to speak out and when to accept other people's faults and flaws, so as not to judge when we too are imperfect.

I used to just call it "tough love". Now, the verse "Better is open rebuke than hidden love (Proverbs 27:5)" also springs to mind. I was known for being peaceful and patient. A friend recently told me she's known me for more than 10 years and she'd seen me "crack it" only twice. The first time was to my partner at the time - but she wasn't sure if I really did. She just remembered I started talking in a different language which she assumed I did for privacy, heheheh. The second time was towards her, which she knew even at the time she deserved. I do not like it - tough love - however, I had been compelled to practice it on too many occasions.

Open rebuke is better than hidden love. I can be harsh if needed, but in general I prefer to approach gently, as that is how I would like to be handled if I am being corrected :-)....

Time to sleep! Find my peace again, ugh!

Bucket For Two

Tonight I got asked to write down one or two things I would put in my bucket list. We were told to write no more than two options.

For those who don't know what a "bucket list", it is basically a list of what you would like to achieve or experience before you die, also known as when you "kick the bucket".

My choices limited (I can think of hundreds of things to put in the bucket), it clearly clarified what I deemed important. I wrote:

1. To see my (children and) grandchildren (grow). - Hopeful life journeys
2. To see the 7 wonders of the world. - Achievable adventures

I still can't think of anything better than those two, that is realistic and not influenced by situations/circumstances like war, health, faith, relationships or ambition. They're not in the bucket list because they are purposes driving me/us now.

This also made me think of a blog I wrote in 2006 - "This Lady Can Dream". The dreams I listed then are still accurate, surprisingly! I'm glad to see that some of them came true.

...I wondered which top two people would choose?... What's important to us now?

You choose the colours of your life.... Dream. Explore. Discover.

Backfire

The past two weeks has been full of lessons, hard to keep up. Some felt like beatings. A lot were consequences of my actions. I'm tired.

I'll share one of my mistakes.... The soup story, ugh.

I made an effort to show my appreciation towards a colleague who gave me homemade soup. We've had some tensions due to various disagreements. I corrected my faults (practices learnt from previous work areas), but some discussions caused tensions when I hinted she was being heavy-handed (thankfully I had enough tact to not say fault-finding, e.g. if 50% was good, she would only mention the 50% that was bad). Let me stress, this colleague is a very nice, kind lady. But we treat our friends better than we treat our colleagues. We are only colleagues at work, not "clicky". And some colleagues make assumptions and judgments towards each other. But kindness still occasionally spill out to each other.

Back to the soup. She gave it to me on a Friday, but I couldn't eat it then, as I had a baguette sandwich that would not keep until Monday. I planned to eat the soup on Tuesday (as on Mondays I use my lunch break to do circuits in the gym, so I usually eat a sandwich quickly at my desk while I work). But she asked about her soup on Monday. Since things were already sensitive between us, I did not want to offend her some more, I decided to eat the soup then. Call it relationship-rebuilding.

Did I fuss over her too much? I tried too hard? I over-thought it? Yes, I did. All with (too much?) good intentions. I pictured a happy ending. It was also a reeaaallly yummy soup! I complimented her. She told me how she made it. We had a nice conversation. Success. But a couple of days later, it backfired! She told me off for taking 20mins extra of "soup time". I was flabbergasted!!?! I decided to not disagree because she was technically correct, and I did not want to make things worse. But again, the heavy-handedness (when others did worse, regularly, including by her). She chose as an example the one day I did differently. It was really hard to not react, to keep my mouth shut, but I did. I also did not bother telling her I did it for her. By then I knew I could do nothing right.

Times like then, it was hard for me to not be emotional. I felt misunderstood. I beat myself up for bothering, or for not standing up. My pride SHOUTED LOUDLY telling me to react, but I pushed it away. I looked at the bigger picture. I knew I wouldn't win the situation without bringing my neighbours down with me. It would have been a disastrous move. There will be a better way I could handle the problem later. I prayed for her and myself instead. :-)

To end, the lessons I learned are that:

- I could still be in the wrong even when I think I am doing things correctly. It is important to be open to corrections, to not be immediately offended or self-preserving.

- Good intentions does not equal happy endings.

- Nice people are not always nice to each other.

- Momentary "wins" will only serve you/me.

- It is not about winning. It is about doing what is good or best at the time.
- Pride is really hard to battle with. I thought I was attacking it, then it crept in in another form.
- It was nice to still find calm in this storm.

- *Scratching my head* Human conditions really boggles me! :-)

"Woza"

It is a word from one of the many dialects in South Africa. According to singer Vusi Mahlasela, it means, "come... celebrate (through song and dance)".

I think I was in Sandton, during the FIFA World Cup. It was a chilly but sunny day. I was munching on Nando's chicken at an outdoors dine-in area, with bread, bag of chips (not french fries) and more peri-peri sauce on the side. I loved Nando’s chicken there, the best tasting I’ve ever eaten! I was told it originated from there and I believe it. Nom nom! :-)

I heard this song play from inside the restaurant. I did not understand but I listened. I started feeling happy, and enjoyed my space. For one or two minutes, I left my surroundings, my thoughts, all my cares/pains, and relaxed. It was just me and the song. Afterwards, I asked the staff for the singer’s name and song title. Today was the first time I searched for it - “Vusi Woza”. I was surprised to find out woza means "come" or “celebrate" ... coz that was exactly how I felt the first time I heard it. I was momentarily happy... alone (in my head)....

It wasn’t the song that gave me understanding. But it became a reminder of the time I made a truthful decision and I "celebrated" my decision with the song.

It was in South Africa where I realised (twice) that I had done enough. I figured if all my strong actions and good intentions still did not produce a good/desired outcome, it meant the other person did not feel I deserved it; or did not value it as much as I did; or was not ready; or did not want the same things. So I was compelled to accept these points of views. It seemed the wiser and better decisions were to let go - to not chase it... and to not fight for it - by ending it. I trusted that if things/people were/are meant to be in our lives, they will find their way back (with a little leap of faith), in different ways and in different forms.

I could not regret, only sadness, because I knew I really tried. Or relief, because time proved I made the best decision. For my part, I did enough. :-) 

* This blog was also inspired by my friend E, who wrote in his update today, "how do you know if something is worth fighting for?".... It also got me thinking of the end result. If it is not clear or simple, when, and how, do you know if you should continue or stop? How much do you put on the line?... There are some things we do, not because we know we will win it, but because we have to do it.

Sunday Sister

I was 15 or 16 when I answered the phone. An older lady was on the other end looking for my mom, but she wasn’t home. The lady told me she had an overseas student with her who was very homesick, who would like to stay with a family from the same culture, so she wanted to speak to my mom to see if we could accommodate. I cannot remember if our house was not yet set up to take in students at the time or if we already had two, coz this house was always full of people, but I remember we weren’t ready for “one more”. Actually, I think, she was the first…?

I could hear sniffling in the background. I asked who was crying and if she was okay. The lady asked me to speak to her, to calm her down. This was the start of our friendship…. :-).

She said “hello”, took a breath that ‘jumped’ like it does when we’ve been crying for a while, and sniffed. She spoke sooo softly I could barely hear her. She sounded so young - sweet and innocent – much younger than me. I pictured a 12-14 year old girl. I immediately wanted to protect her.

We spoke. I can’t remember the exchange, but I was consoling her. She kept addressing me like I was older and I let her. I felt like an adult when she gave the phone back to the lady who rang and I said we would take the girl in. I decided it, hahahah. My mom really did not have any choice. :-)

I told my mom when she got home. I don’t know what happened afterwards – adult stuff, heheheh. But we didn’t have space in the house so I shared my room with her, which I gladly offered. She arrived. Imagine my surprise when I found out she was older than me, already attending university! Yet still, very sweet, innocent and fragile.

We didn’t have much in common; I was/am very much the child in our friendship heheheh. But it was fascinating to watch her – studying hard, practicing her speeches, being an adult, living in a foreign country – inspiring! My sisters were much older than me so I didn’t really have sister interactions with them. So I watched my friend a lot when I wasn’t distracted by my childishness.

Eventually she moved out, good for her. She found more strength/courage. Also, our house was too full and my mom couldn’t cook hahahah. We managed to keep in touch and I am now a proud godmother to her daughter and I am in love with her elder son.

We didn’t know at the time that we’d stay friends, as we both “survived and experienced” our environments, and lived life in various levels of gullibility. I considered her influential in my life. I chose to be Christian when I was 9, when I attended a Christian school for 2 years. My family were not (and at the time I was studying in a strict and exclusive girls-only Catholic school run by nuns – I lasted one year heheh, then moved to a school that did not have religion in its curriculum). My friend is a devout Christian, so I went to her church with her every Sunday. She was kind to let an awkward child tag along with her :-). I needed that direction she gave me as I was still clueless on my own (I was a very late bloomer, always young-spirited), and not yet making my own life decisions. A lot of blessings that came to my life at the start of my “independence”, where somehow related to my times with her.

Almost 2 decades later, continents apart, we are still the same. I still feel impulsively protective towards her yet I still get reminded that she’s older and wiser than me :-). The times I spent with her I still find her fascinating and inspiring to watch. But this time I love not only her but her WHOLE family - hubby and 2 kids included - grateful for the times they’ve welcomed me and treated me like family. I miss them a lot, especially the kids, thankful for social networking sites for keeping us linked all these years.

Two Angels At Work

I am blessed with a great workplace, surrounded mostly by kind and helpful colleagues. My struggles to find motivation to get out of bed to work were made easier when I reminded myself that at least I love(d) what I do and, that no one was draining me of good vibes. All workplaces has these people, even ours, but thankfully not in my immediate area. Work drain by colleagues are kept minimal. I have a perfect setup, and were it what I was after, a perfect job to keep until retirement.

There are two people at work I will always be most thankful to. I have several close group of friends I have at one point worked with whom made a point of keeping in touch. A handful of them I hang out with outside work. And many more I respect but only have a work relationship with. My two angels are part of the last group.

Angel One takes care of my earthly joys. He drops little gifts on my desk, some very random, others very well meaning. It could be a piece of fruit, a foreign coin, an Easter rabbit chocolate, packets of cup-a-soups, music cd, cake, nibbles, etc. He started around 2004 and I still remember my first gift from him was an orchid from his garden!

Angel One didn't give me stuff all the time. Months have passed when I didn't receive anything. Lately though, the gifts were abundant, maybe to make up for the years I was away. It is his way of reaching out to me. To keep/make a connection as we don't work together. Maybe coz he thinks I need them. I have told him he doesn't need to give me anything, but he seems to like doing it (...the joy of giving, I understand it). He is spoiling me! :-) I love seeing his gifts waiting for me at my desk! I even uncontrollably let out little shrieks of delight and jumps a couple of times, hahahah. I don't take his kindness for granted.

Angel Two takes care of my spiritual health. We used to be part of a Christian group that met weekly at work in 2006/07. It regrouped after I came back, but personal issues disbanded it again.

I don't know how aware of it he is, the marvel of his actions. I don't know if he really understands how much I appreciate him, beyond my words of "thank you". We don't work together. We don't hang out. His gifting is also his way of reaching out to me. Without it, our interactions would have possibly stayed as common courtesies and basic chitchat.

Angel Two has a knack of giving me the right readings, pamphlets and booklets at the right time. Everything he's given me has been spot on - gave me clarity, made me aware, understanding of certain topics, or strength to accept/move forward/trust.

For example, I was/am watching my reactions to "patience". I noticed I have patience towards others, but less to myself. I decided to "chase" my "no plans" plan slowly, followed through with appropriate actions, but reality and my emotions were hard to handle. I wanted to demand a lot from myself - "better, faster, now". I was used to that stress, and thrived in that environment. To suddenly use a different technique, I felt/feel imbalanced or in between gear. Maybe anxiety was/is also trying to make me fall back to normal paths/decisions I knew I was good at. My impatience towards myself and my insecurities (that I am possibly setting myself up to fail) was/is endangering my journey to end up tiresome and unenjoyable.

Then Angel Two came bearing another random gift. A book about patience. I don't discuss my plans to most people at work, only select few. Too personal. Angel Two was not privy to that information. But there he was. Godsent.

Two angels, definitely unaware of the impact their little actions are giving me. In their willingness to reach out to me in friendship, they have given me much more.

Great Friendships Online

Four years ago, finally free to pursue my dream to travel I made a decision to fly eastward, and headed to the right ==> of the world map. This meant my journey started by going to USA. I had 2 friends in the West Coast and family in the East Coast. It was perfect as my girl friend was planning a road trip with her family, and she kindly invited me to join them. She was my second stop (I will write a blog about them later). My first stop was my guy friend.

What NO ONE knew was that I met this guy friend online. I cannot remember now how, hahahah, but we struck a conversation and became really good friends. We got to know each other and kept in touch for at least one year. He was, and still is, the only person I befriended online.

I was so comfortable with him that I decided to include him in my journey. And I was glad I did. He is still a great friend. And we are still mostly online friends, hahahah, but we rang each other out-of-the-blue at times just to keep in touch.

Reminiscing, I smiled while I shook my head in disbelief. What was I thinking!!?? Travelling across the world, by plane, bus then train, to visit a stranger! What was he thinking!??! Inviting me into his home! What were we thinking??!! Either of us could have ended up a headcase! Hahahah!!

I can’t remember how long I stayed with him – 5 days? One week? It was a great trip. He is a top bloke. It was great to get to know him even better in person. He let me in into his life and he showed me the wonder of his part of the world. He is lucky to be living in such a beautiful and peaceful place. His friends were great too, “Popeye, Olive and kids”. They were just as beautiful and kind-hearted people. With kids who melted my heart many times with their sweetness and personalities.

Maybe one day I will get another chance to visit them, or vice versa. I would love that! :-) And maybe then I will get a chance to taste Olive’s famous pumpkin pie!!? It’s been 4 years and I am still wondering…!! :-)

… I think I’m known for letting random friendships happen. I wish more people do it, open up more and see where the experiences takes them. I have many great stories because of it. Our “online” friendship, will always be one of those I will appreciate.

A success story! :-)

Lilliputian Steps

It is unsettling to start blogging again.... To-ing and fro-ing, to-ing and fro-ing.... Examining my motivations for starting, and dissecting my reasons for hesitating. I stopped writing 2.5 years ago. Intentionally decided to keep confusing life in. I am not as bewildered now, more willing to openly process experiences. It took several months of vigorous "me time" to get to this nice place where I am now, yet it wasn't hardwork. It was helpful that I have a good relationship with myself - loving, honest, forgiving, humorous, and supportive....

A lot of my past fortnight was spent writing. Letters, emails, reports, journals, and chats. Some for work, some personal. I started a lot of stories and thoughts, without an end, unfinished. Some will make it here eventually. A few of the emails exchanged were honesty on paper, which liberated and tackled unfinished businesses, thankfully. Other correspondences expressions of love and care.

... It will be obvious (if not already) that I reflect a lot. And I talk about love and all the gooey stuff without embarrassment. I like being in that state of mind. Hahahah. But I am also more aware of the darker sides to life now. I'm sure they will show in some/a lot of my stories. Dark experiences that in hindsight, I think (I hope) has given me (more) compassion and understanding. I don't really know. It is easy to say I have it 'cause it sounds good. But I'd rather be acting it, even if unaware. I'm still walking in an uncharted forest on this one.

By the way, I changed blogspot 'cause.... it did not feel right to continue the old one. Door closed. I am no longer that old self living in the last story. But the last sentence still rings true. Since it is the actual name of the blog, but I no longer felt it, it seems it is time to move on. Living a different chapter, moving forward, hopeful, open-hearted.

On a side note, I just realised today 4 years ago I started my long travel!?! Raising an imaginary glass (filled with warm milk and honey - it's my imagination, and it's what I want right this moment, heheheh), here's to the start of another journey!