Reflecting on the Birth of Jesus

I am enjoying this month the “expected” way (as I digested below). However, this year, my thoughts kept reflecting on a deeper meaning of the birth of the Son of God. Or at least, from a different perspective…. I am wrestling with it for the first time…. It is so new, that it is still spinning me out. I am still forming my understanding, so it will show in the wishy-washyness of this post.

Christmas where it is known (and practised covertly/overtly) is celebrated at various levels by almost all of mankind – spiritually, physically, and financially. Even people who do not believe or do not understand its meaning gets caught up with at least the fact that it is a time of giving/buying/receiving, festivities, parties, love ones and foods.

I suggest if you don’t know the meaning of Christmas and why it is celebrated every year that you start reading up on it (e.g. Who is Jesus Christ and what is so important about his birthday? Is he Santa Claus? Why is he a Saviour?). If you’d like, contact me and I could help you out (on my own or through my contacts, confidentially if preferred).

Every year we are reminded that Christmas (and New Year’s) is a period of “celebrations” – happy happy happy times…. A lot of people are not naturally in this high state of “constant joy”, so this season always brings forward and heightens many constant bouts of emotions such as stress, loneliness, melancholy, thankfulness and gladness. We are also always highly reflective during this season. No matter how much we have, we always become more aware of what we don’t have – no matter how trivial. For example, we could be surrounded by our loving family and there’s no other place you would rather be, but you crave for a partner; or are missing someone you wish is next to you. Personally, I say it is great times to highlight who/what are important to us! It is impossible for us to stop the feelings and the “basic truths” we fear or try to hide from ourselves…. But, that and how I feel we should listen to it, is a topic to post for another day, hahahah! ;-)

Anyway, last night and this morning, in the moments I tried to dedicate for praise, I could not stop feeling unsettled and frightened. My focus kept going past the birth of Jesus to the overall overwhelming power and glory of God. To the God who reached out to us and sent His Son to the world to reconcile us back to Him. The biiiiggggeeerrrr picture!... This time, when I (even just) glimpsed on the idea of the immeasurable presence of God, I felt myself... internally cowering... :-(. I became very conscious not of what I am doing and what I did; but more of what I did not do and I’m not doing. I could not turn away from the responsibility that comes with the forgiveness of sins that I asked for and received. I saw how ill-equipped I am (and will always be). Then I am reminded of our relationship and of His loving assurance. It was an awareness that rotated in my head but the answer/s were hard to pinpoint, especially because I didn't know how to phrase the question.

Always timely, God answered my confusions and request for clarity. Out of the blue, a friend rang, whom picked me up in 15 minutes, and I attended the Christmas service where the very topic discussed covered everything I was wrestling with and “hit it right on the head”. Thank you God.

On my own I feel I’m just waffling. Disorganised... :-(.... Wow! After asking for help, God again answered my prayer, and showed me how to present the thoughts, through the wiser explanation of the pastor:

“The Birth of Jesus – A Time of Rejoicing or Terror?”

The celebration of Christmas is widely observed, even by people not of Christian faith. The centrality of the Christmas message is often lost by the people romanticising the event. People tend to narrow the focus of Jesus’ birth to a single message – good news of great joy that will be for all the people. If that is the case, then why did the shepherds experience exceedingly great terror? (Luke 2:9c)

The appearance of God (or His representative) before people always generates great stress in people, for they cannot be sure whether the visitation will bring with it God’s condemnation or blessing. To most people, the thought of judgment and condemnation is not welcome. Yet judgment of people by God is certain, sudden, unexpected and devastating (Zephaniah 1:14-15). It is also universal (2 Corinthians 5:10). But the good news brought by the angel is that Jesus has been anointed by God to deliver people from their enemies (especially sin). So the Christmas message is rightly both the cause for terror and rejoicing.

People are able to experience the same joy and amazement experienced by the shepherds  only if they’re ready to humble themselves to accept the message that the angel brings, A litmus test for determining  the degree to which a person humbly accepts the angel’s message is shown by the degree to which a person’s life is transformed. (1 Peter 1;13-15, MSG)

Merry Christmas everybody! Prayers, peace and wishes of blessings to all. May we be a blessing to others too! :-)

Assurance

This post combined 2 topics, ending with the same conclusion. The first one will be about “self”-confidence, and the other about invincibility.

1. “Self” Confidence

People always complimented and warned me about my confidence. They felt I have a lot (too much) of it because I am gregarious, not shy to speak to strangers, active, adventurous, and travelled alone and independently in foreign or “unsafe” countries. I also held myself well (enough) in stressful or demanding situations.

I used to be baffled by this impression of me, but I am used to it now. I understand and agree to it now. I keep saying “now”, because not so long ago I remember I wasn’t. I grew up “alone” (lacked parental/adult guidance) so I was scared and inexperienced; even quiet and awkward. Thankfully I was blessed with older siblings (barely and not at all adults themselves) who were also trying to make sense of their world but understood enough to step in at different times in our lives when I needed protection.

My main danger growing up was… I attracted a lot of paedophiles, or men who liked to romance much younger ladies/children. A LOT OF THEM, so many that I could not understand how, alone, I came out of it unscathed!!??!? In my case – while I was under 7, under 10, up to below 16 years of age. The dangers came in all forms – locals, foreigners, neighbours’ parents/relatives, talent/industry agents and producers, working men, bludgers and authoritative figures. They would befriend me, give me expensive gifts, promises to make me rich and famous, pick me up from school, give me money, compliment me, make me feel smart, offer me rides home and invite me to go to exciting places (for a child). Sometimes they also had people/women helping them to convince me but they too did not have my interest in mind. :-(

In my blog “Spiritual” I mentioned my relationship with God from childhood. I was not alone because He was there with me. He, with my siblings, kept me safe. My sisters returned gifts for me. Ugh, I remember when I was 9 years old I handed an expensive new watch to my sister, confused, because I questioned why the father gave it to me but not his daughter!?! I also declined many gifts including my school allowances for a month and toys and clothes and jewellery and chocolates etc (then later a request to take my photo because I was so beautiful or photogenic, yuck). I learned to never accept random gifts, if not given to me in view of my family and trusted friends. I also eventually avoided people/friends whom introduced me to these dangerous men/women. As a child, I learned, or more appropriately, I survived these lessons.

It is interesting what people valued. An old friend from those times wished she had the same offers I had. She had a rough life, at least she could have been “rich and famous”. I know my life would have been much different if I entered “showbiz life” (as I called it growing up). It would have been a messy life. I probably would have still been able to make something worthwhile come out of it, but only after being repeatedly taken advantage of and going through tumultuous experiences (in exchange for the glitz and glamour). I much like the safer path I chose.

So I wasn’t naturally self-confident. I grew up careful, unsure and scared. But it was all hidden behind my youth, curiosity and friendliness. I did not step out of my comfort zone until I felt I was in a safe environment, grown up, gained wisdom, and acquired abilities to fend for myself. But those I learned slowly at the start. That's why I value selfless givers and encouragers, some whom held my hand (figuratively and literally) to show me I could do many things.

Mostly my confidence developed from feeling assured, which I will talk about later in this post….

2. Invincible

My youth and zest for life had a wonderful way of making me enjoy moments while they occurred. Both, with inexperience and curiosity, always made me wonder what else was out there, therefore also always made me keen to discover and explore. So as my confidence developed, I pushed more against my boundaries; and as I succeeded/failed, the more I felt strong and capable. Risks were calculated and more often than not I braved the “safe” plunge even though it placed me in vulnerable situations. I felt confidently invincible. Undeterred. My insecurities existed but I worked on defeating them. It felt great when I overcame fears, boosting my belief that "I could do anything!".

This month, however, that feeling of invincibility was taken off me. I became “half-legged” – one and a half healing from injuries. Experiences of hospitalisations and serious sicknesses did not faze me. Caught between being oblivious and being invincible, I trusted I would heal.

When I injured my right leg, I dealt with it unaffectedly. It would leave a scar at most. When I injured my left ankle as well, still I did not worry. But when even after rest my foot/feet/ankle/legs struggled to carry my weight, the seriousness of it finally hit home.

I was no longer physically invincible.

Immediately Everest looked doubly far. It stretched quickly away from me in my imagination…! Certainty of future (plans) became very confusing. I suddenly could not do many of them, or would have a new level of difficulty performing them. My active lifestyle was forcibly adjusted. Most activities were removed or cut down. I struggled to (and will not) accept my inability to perform them in my future. Thanks to modern medicine, I am pushing to mend my body and go through therapy for “full” recovery.

But now I understand I am really not invincible. I was humbled. Yet still, I feel God’s assurance.

= Assurance

Again, as mentioned in the blog “Spiritual” everything I am I credit to God. He moulded me to the person I am now. It was instinctual when I was young, I just did what I thought would not make Him unhappy – no drugs and be kind were the key rules. Notice how my focus was not about "what would make Him happy?"…. I did not serve Him, I only feared and respected Him.

I don’t know why I was kept safe from harm when other children were not, but I will be forever grateful…. My relationship with God became blurred when I got older because I believed my own fantastic. He always clearly answered my prayers (to my liking and disliking). But I did not differentiate the guidance I received from him and from the people I met. I just followed those that I felt were best or suited my vested interests.

It was a great feeling and very empowering to be aware that God always had my back. He proved to me that I will always be from fully to relatively safe. He encouraged me to try and to be confident. We’ve had many imaginary handshakes, well-done-squeezes-on-the-shoulder, and high-fives, especially in my twenties. I took life’s trials as lessons I’d survive that He wanted me to learn. Hardships became like games where I had to figure out how to best deal (or not deal) with them. That’s why I maintained a childlike personality I think.

As my experiences increased, in my over-confidence and invincibility, I stopped asking God for help. I felt competent to deal with the problems on my own. Instead I said, “enough please” or “bring it on”. I also still never asked what He wanted me to do. I never asked how I could do things for Him. I helped and gave to others, but to God I just kept taking. My questions were still clearly answered but I did not listen when I did not like the answers. When I joked with God, I told him He brought me up spoilt ;-).

He disciplined me, and guided me through the consequences of my actions, with soooo much love. He showed me how much more deeply my relationship with Him could be. He understands that the world confuses and scares me, and it is hard to be accountable, but He assures me of His forgiveness and grace. He encourages me to be better, and free to be me. That is why I say that everything people see and admire in me comes from God. It all stems from that assurance He has given me. With this assurance - physical, emotional and spiritual barriers presented by our natural world are diminished or removed. I have the freedom to move forward to serve Him and to be me.

This relationship is not exclusive, nor a luck-of-the-draw. All of us can have it. Allow God to enter your life. Soften your heart and mind. Pray or speak to Him, but remember to listen to Him too. I have since met many people who sought and have had this transforming and deep relationship with God. You should see us gush excitedly! Even best, I cannot wait to gush along with you! :-)

Vietnam and Laos (Part 2)

Vietnam

Its natural attractions were very beautiful and impressive. It has fertile lands, lakes and rivers. Vast beaches, mountains, forests and caves too. The foods were diverse and delicious. Fruits and vegetables were abundant.

The traffic - people and transportation all intermingling – were fantastically chaotic! Every single crossing of the road was a test of confidence and an adventure. Later, the challenges could also be raised by renting bicycles or motorbikes.

My Vietnamese friend introduced me to his group of traveller friends; all of them gave a warm welcome. I joined their tour of the Mekong Delta at the start of my journey. In doing so, I was immersed into that part of authentic Vietnam. It was where I was “most local” in my exposure to their country, people, food and cultures. Being with them also eased me into my solo travel as it gave me a chance to acclimatise in a comfortable setting. I had a great time.

After I left them, I still had an awesome time, but my interactions with the locals (in tourism and hospitality, therefore in a business setting) were different. It was more aggressive... or pushy... relentless. The personalities and behaviours did not overwhelm me, as I was forewarned by other tourists last year. It made me very curious, as I did not really understand, so I thought it were the tourists whom exaggerated or were inexperienced. My interactions while I travelled across the country for almost a month confirmed the stresses expressed by many foreigners (and by many Vietnamese "returnees" whom settled overseas). Those (di)stresses were enough to make tourists leave and rush out of the country...!

I'm going to try but it would be hard to explain, without making the locals seem harsh. Not all of them were. I met many kind, helpful and gentle locals. Remember most times tourists are exposed only to traders and people in the tourism industry; those whom has something to sell to us. So the impressions we take home, unless given the opportunity to step out of our “boxes”, would be the treatment we received from those people. They are the main representatives of Vietnam to foreigners.

Most tourists felt like walking "dollar signs", and had to negotiate hard for EVERYTHING. We’ve accepted that. But prices always fluctuated and sometimes changed mid-transactions - we’ve accepted that too. Opportunities to charge more were always used. We were always taken elsewhere, not to where we asked or paid for. So we had to be alert, or be in a "discussion" (argument). We ended up frustrated too many times or we tried to be understanding, depending on how tired we were, our sense of humour, and our patience. Tourists became uneasy to let our guard down as we were always seen as "business". But we did not always get courteous service.  It was very very hard to get information outside the tours/services being offered. Some were intentionally given wrong information - done out of spite or out of mischief? - we'd never know, but surely disappointing.

The Vietnamese were also honest in letting us know we were bothering them. I actually liked this honesty, but the methods used to convey it were uncomfortable. We’ve experienced or seen fellow travellers brushed off, told off, raised-high-pitch voices at, and screamed at. I named the attitude "the switch" - where they turn on and off and on very quickly, at the snap of a finger. The tourists were treated like friends (some even told so) then quickly the conversation seemed hostile because he/she dared ask why the charges were more than the price quoted on the ticket; or mentioned he/she was not interested to buy a souvenir. It was quite disarming for tourists when we weren't used to that sort of short-fused interaction.... I also wondered if it was partly their reaction to "save face"?.... Better to act that they were right than to admit to being wrong...? I saw a mother and daughter literally thrown out of a bus, because the younger questioned why they were getting charged VND20,000 more than the price so obviously written on the bus window. She wasn't rude but stood her ground. I almost got thrown out with them being a fellow tourist (and she pulled me in for support but I knew it was a losing/wrong battle). I paid the extra $1. I didn't battle unless it was for more than $3 (which I did at a hotel that held my passport ransom).

To the Vietnamese’s defence, other countries also treat tourists in similar mannerisms. The "anything for that extra dollar" disposition…. We (tourists) were sensitive because we were likely more used to other business styles of bargaining, negotiating and sales. Maybe we preferred it more disguised and softened... or more forthright and precise. Same-same but different. That was why we used those recognisable companies that had computerised prices and transparent procedures. Especially those that had employees working solely for the company (not agents), for example, some well-known open-tour bus companies. We (tourists) assumed we could be provided safety/security for ourselves and our properties, and they followed systems we understood and were comfortable with. We knew what we were getting and got them. We didn’t have to think much and we could relax.


Laos 

Currently, the Lao are my most favourite people by country. They are most generous, honest, laid-back, gentle, respectful, kind and loving - to each other (fellow locals) and to tourists. They were always willing to help. They even could not stop themselves from helping! An example I could share was when my rented bicycle was slightly too tall for me. The man felt obliged to stop me (apologetic for disturbing me and because he did not speak English so he could not explain why he was stopping me!). He could have easily minded his own business and not given himself work. Instead he lowered the seat because he knew it would be more comfortable for me. And he smiled gladly to have been given a chance to help me out!! He was more focused on what he could give me, instead of what he could take from me. I received many selfless acts from strangers, and witnessed them giving it to their neighbours. My heart melted in thankfulness and glowed in appreciation.

... I could see a few signs where tourism and the effects of economy (the need to improve one's financial situation) were starting to change the behaviours and mindsets of groups/individuals. But, no one harrassed me with their trade. A handful tried to take advantage of a couple of situations where they had the upper-hand, but those events were quickly rectified by other locals whom were ready to rescue and showed the true nature of the community. I felt safe to leave my things unattended amongst the locals. They also never over-charged me. They always took only the set price for all tourists or less (maybe local price), even though I paid without negotiating/question. I tested this honesty several times and no one took advantage. By and large, the country and it's people are still "uncorrupted". I was glad I visited now and I pray the people do not lose their good qualities as a country.

The country is undeveloped. The roads are improving but, just like the rest of the country, still requiring a lot of work. Much of what the people needed were bought from neighbouring countries. I did not see any factories or manufacturing companies while I was there. The main industry seemed to be agriculture, farming, and tourism and hospitality.

The country was also very naturally beautiful with mountains, waterfalls, caves worthy of awe. You could feel at different speeds the heartbeats of the communities living along the arteries of the rivers. The smaller towns and villages were sleepy and relaxing. The main cities were busier but they still pulsated at a calmer pace compared to cities in surrounding countries. It is a very giving country. Even when I slowed down to it's rhythm it continued to give by filling in my love tank, simply by being itself. I could not help feel I was not giving anything back. My money was not enough.

Vietnam and Laos (Part 1)

* Please note that amounts mentioned below are in Australian dollars. The exchange rate is pretty similar to US dollars - AUD1 = USD1.04. 

Inexpensive / Cheap Travel

This six and a half weeks trip cost no more than $1500, flights included, visas excluded. It would also have been cheaper had I not travelled solo (shared accommodation, at the least). You can do it too! Your trip does not have to be as long, or even as low budget... but it can definitely be more affordable than what our imagination conjures. I will list a quick breakdown below :-).

I did not include visas and processing costs because prices (or free entry) will depend on your nationality. For peace of mind, I organised all my visas from home which cost me more than getting it from the border (for Laos) and online (for Vietnam). I struggle to remember the fees, I think $40 and $70 for a single entry. At the border and online they wouldn't have cost more than $100 together. Postage and money order charges were about $40. 

$520 were spent on my return airfare, bought during a sale around two months before the day of departure. I had on hand $50 worth of Vietnamese Dong and $30 worth of Malaysian Ringgit, exchanged through friends. Approximately $800 were converted to local currencies along the way to spend on everything - accommodation, transportation, food, entrance fees, and sundries. I paid for a tour with my credit card once (the only time it was possible as everywhere else were cash only transactions).

It means I lived on $21 per day. Honestly, I budgeted $25, but I was curious if I could survive on $15 daily. I observed that it would have been easy enough to spend $15 or less (especially if I did not travel to other cities as much), but I decided to continue having some luxuries and to prioritise on my safety being a single-female-traveller.

US dollars were accepted everywhere. Australian dollars were not recognised in the smaller towns I visited! Thankfully I always had enough local currency to get by. ATMs were available but some towns (especially Laos) were risky, as in the credit card may not work or it may not have cash to dispense. A great backup was Western Union, it was everywhere. It charged high rates but made it possible for people to withdraw cash from their credit cards where there were no ATMs or other banks available, and when the currencies they were carrying were undesirable. Weekends you're on your own (banks/Western Union agencies are closed). I risked and carried over $1000 with me on this trip, as I thought I would be in very remote destinations. I was, but I was not there so long that I ran out of local currency (and they did not accept my currency anyway, ugh). I do not recommend carrying so much cash. I was lucky nothing untoward happened to me. I gave $200 to my sister whom I met up with in Hanoi. I still had almost $130 cash left in my wallet as I headed home.

I had a lot of fun while travelling. I journeyed the whole length of both countries overland. It was cheaper than flying and I felt better, more part of the country. I saw how the landscapes curved and changed; observed how people lived and worked; and experienced the culture. In Vietnam I started from Ho Chi Minh/Saigon to Sapa. After climbing the Mount Fansipan I traversed to Laos via the Dien Bien Phu/Tay Trang borders. I headed down to Mong Khua and explored all the way to the bottom in Si Phan Don (even stepping on Cambodian soil for a couple of hours). Then inched my way back in the middle to capital city Vientiane where I flew out to come back home.

I used all modes of transport - overnight sleeper buses/trains, public buses, VIP buses/minivans, songthaews, cyclos, xe oms/mopeds/motorcycles (always a passenger), bicycles, boats, ferries, and kayaks. Costs ranged from 50 cents on the motorcycles to $40 on the overnight train or long-distance journeys. In these two countries it is okay to not book anything until the day before, on the day, or as you arrive. Just always find out the schedules, duration and  frequency so you could plan your moves.

Most of the time I had my own room - in a hotel or a guesthouse. Only the Hoi An accommodation was booked ahead, recommended by a fellow traveller I met last year. I tried booking a room in Vientiane for my last night too, but even with an email confirmation it was not reserved. So be prepared for that too, but easily fixed. There's enough affordable accommodation for all with and without reservation. The room rates were mostly for two people, but $6-$15 were cheap enough that I did not mind paying "double" to have privacy. I stayed in a dormitory twice only in Hoi An and Hanoi (Vietnam). I had free accommodation when my friend hosted me for about 4 nights in Saigon, and a couple of nights in Hanoi with my sister. My best nights were sleeping out in the open with mosquitoes under a starry skyline on a mountain in the An Giang province (Vietnam); power-napping in Hanoi; celebrating next to my fireplace in cold Sapa after my mis-adventurous summit climb; and relaxing in Si Phan Don. I shared a room on two (and a half) occasions with now four good friends - with a couple (in Vietnam) and a lady (in Laos). The half was a gentleman I hanged out with in two cities (in Vietnam) who had an evening flight so he left me a room to myself. I didn't have swimming pool access (only once in Mui Ne, Vietnam) but I always had the beach or the river close by! There were times when I had air-conditioning but I did not use it because I was getting sick from the constant temperature changes. A few times breakfast was included. In Vietnam the decent hotels had free toothbrushes with toothpaste, combs, shampoos and soaps too!

Food...! I ate sitting on plastic chairs next to the streets, inside markets, from hawkers selling food alongside buses, local eateries, and several fine-dining restaurants. I paid from less than $1 to try sweets and snacks to I don't know how much to try top-end dishes (maybe $25?). I did not mind the costs, especially with company as it was more fun and we could share the dishes! Sometimes I would search for the cheapest yet most delicious meals. Other times I would bask in indulgent comfort taking advantage of the fact that my currency was strong. I also loved to end  my days with a nice celebratory dinner (with alcoholic or non-alcoholic drinks). I noticed beer and cigarettes were cheaper than water!! It shows how warped we humans are and our "needs".

My profile in another site has all the video and picture updates (sorry, won't repost here). I did all kinds of adventures such as cruising ($70+), tubing (can't remember, $5?), caving ($5-25), summit-climbing ($100++), hiking ($2-50), cycling ($1-3) and hot air ballooning ($80), to name a few. Many people told me I was a flashpacker (not a backpacker), hahahah! Maybe, I even agreed, because I liked to seize the opportunities and hug the moments fully :-). Sometimes to do that, money needs to be spent. Finance could still be balanced by not spending too much on other things on other days. I also don't go to every single attraction or do every activity. I choose the ones that suits my values and interests and make the most of those experiences.

TRAVEL IS NOT EXPENSIVE. It is really not hard, and will not always be uncomfortable. And it will not be boring because you think you can't afford much. You can do as little ("yukuri yukuri... slowly slowly...") or as much ("hayaku! hayaku!.. faster! faster!') as you want and can handle. Keep an open mind, research so you could list the interesting places you'd like to see or activities you'd like to do, and make friends along the way. If you have a condition that may/will impair your mobility, work it into the considerations and contact travellers with the same challenges (I met many of them inspiring people through the years) - for encouragement and tips.

I did not always know how to get from one town to another, especially in Laos. But I knew there were bound to be services catering for tourists or at least for the locals I could use. I did not always choose the best (especially some modes of travel, hahahah ugh), but the misadventures I had from those times made great stories. And sometimes there were other tourists there with me admitting it wasn't the best idea, sulking or laughing as we shared the experiences with each other.

Just go. Step out of your trepidation and excuses - they will always be there for everything you want to do but are not doing. Don't expect/demand too much. Be a local. Respect the cultures and learn their ways. Represent and let the locals learn your culture's ways. Being generous is not always best, so be mindful of how you throw your money around, even when you think you are helping "those poor people". Relax and have fun. You will find out so much about the country and it's people, as well as about yourself. Your journey will continue even after your trip. The skills, mindsets and realities you will be exposed to and take home with you will open or close many doors.

Welcome Back Sign!

Hi! I've been back home for about two weeks now. Had a minor accident but despite it I had a wonderful time - amazing experiences and memorable observations! I will likely blog about it later once I've caught up with home life.

I just wanted to share this photo....

I was on my way out of the plane. I was feeling very happy coz I had three seats all to myself on this journey (great for my legs and wound!); my friend was picking me up; and I had a wonderful 6.5 weeks overseas feeling safe, relaxed, blessed and thankful.

I stepped onto the jet bridge, glanced at this signage and BAM! I went into full alert mode, scanning my immediate surrounding ninja-style! My body heat went straight to hot and blood rushed to my head! I was ready to "burst" with my arms/elbows and kick someone in the groin, almost jumping into my fighting stance!! My trainers would have been proud!

Why???!!!!? Read the sign again.

It wasn't clear that it was talking about our hands getting caught between the mechanics of the jet bridge. I thought... "no, not again, WHERE!!?!??" *shaking my head, sheepish, embarrassed, pouting smile*.... (Some of you were aware of my experiences from last year's travel, also blogged here.)

I found it so funny that I went back inside to take this photo! Dearie me!! ;-)

Top Tens - Spring 2012

* It was spring when I left home to travel. I'm in the middle of exploring now, and it is monsoonal summer here at the moment. *

Ten Things I Love

1. Before I left, I appreciated unlikely senders and welcomers - those whom wouldn't consider themselves as one, and those we least expected to be one☺♥.

2. Finishing my work, meeting my deadlines, and even started the one I will do when I get back. Life/work/travel balance.

3. Exploring the Mekong area on motorbikes with a great bunch of local travellers group and friends ☺♥.

4. The food!!! SO GOOD! ♥♥

5. Interesting conversations about faith, life, redemption, religion, friendships, and love.

6. Many opportunities opened... important to observe, pray and assess/reflect.

7. Meeting and hanging out with kindred-spirited travellers ♥♥. It feels nice to belong.

8. Hot weather. I am definitely built for heat, but next to the beach, heheheh.

9. Sunsets. They never fail to be less than beautiful.

10. Sunrises. Its been nice watching them by the beach.

Ten Things I Miss

1. Someone to be romantic with.... *sheepish smile*.... I've had some nice moments or seen some romantic places, which would have been nice to share with the special one ☺♥.

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Ten Wishes

1. That I knew how to ride a motorbike. I don't like being stuck when I am exploring. Sometimes the places I wanna go to are too far or it is too hot for a bicycle.

2. That I have the carefree attitude to just ride an automatic moped anyway. Lots of guys whom never drove one before are doing it and they don't seem to have any problem.

3. Skin - that my travel wounds/schrapnels stays minimal. I'm already happy none has yet became infected. ☺♥

4. That I stay safe and healthy.

5. That I will get a good, strong massage. I haven't been satisfied with the two I've had here. The last good one was in Kuala Lumpur years ago. I give a really good massage, and I didn't do a course to learn!! I guess it is different when you are getting paid to do it...?

6. That I don't get much darker than I am now!.... My feet are darkest, best indicator of how dark I could be now if I am not hiding when I can. Even at the beach I'm usually in the shade, heheheh!

7. That I will find more good authentic local foods - streets and markets are best - just have to bravely go there, not worry so much about sanitation and eat! ☺♥

8. That opportunities keeps coming and presenting itself.

9. That I will not have any difficulty and injury climbing Fansipan Mountain.

10. That when I am at the summit of Fansipan, the view will be clear.

Taxes

Benjamin Franklin said, "The only things certain in life are death and taxes."

Tonight I filled in my tax return alone. This is not exciting news, but it was in my mental list of "things to do NOW(!)" since August! I was very relieved to no longer carry the thought around. I am glad that my actions showed maturity and responsible time-planning ♥. I did it with 12 days to go before I travel, instead of pushing it aside until the last few frantic days. After my trip would have been too late.

I am also pleased enough to self-congratulate because dealing with cashflow/numbers/finances is really hard for me, uuuggh. That's why I dragged forever to do it. I forced myself to be interested because I must, I don't want to be clueless about it, but I do not have the heart for it. I used to pay people to handle them for me. It is fine of course, experts such as accountants are there to help us, but mine had not been giving me good advice.

I have a friend whom will look at my paperwork prior to lodgement, as it is my first time to tackle it without him. I should make this blog about him. I am lucky because since I came back home and him being aware of my future plans, he checks up on me to see where I could be improved or needed help. He is the same man whom prepared my will and testament. We've known each other more than a decade and I've never lied to him. We may have kept some information from each other while we were dealing with them (life), but eventually we've spoken openly about them - quite openly, honestly and humorously ♥. He is one of my confidant. He appreciates my effort to LEARN, and he encourages me, being one of the handful of people preparing me for the lifestyle changes I will (possibly) be going through. I'm grateful to have friends like him whom PROACTIVELY keeps me responsible, hahahah.♥

It's true, practise does make financial management easier. It is not about being too focused on gaining money (keeping it all for ourselves and our security). It can be about being aware of where I stand, and using the time and money available effectively. Having knowledge of my financial status and the policies that affects my investments arms me with intelligent questions to ask my financial planner. I cannot say I make good or right decisions - whether I get it "right" will be subject to opinions. But at least I know it is, or will be, suitable for my "free-spirited" future ♥.

Will and Testament

Today I signed and finalised my official will and testament. The first of possibly many, as my life stages evolve, and more or less may need consideration. I wrote a basic one about a decade ago, but I'm not sure if it would have held out in court, it was more a list, hahahah.

I had all the paperwork last month, but I kept pushing to work on it aside (until after my forthcoming trip). My tax return (which I was/am also delaying) was a higher priority. A good friend/blessing/confidante stressed my need to have one. He took the time to explain the legalities, and made it so easy for me to create the documents (he made it actually, I only had to read and approve it). He and another signed it as witnesses. Then it was done!

A lot of people don't have a will, especially an official one - written with lots of legal jargon and all pages signed with two witnesses. It felt really good and grown up to have one. It was satisfying to take responsibility of these confronting issues. But it was uncomfortable because it brought to the forefront of my mind the thought of my death. It made my head spin (figuratively speaking) to make plans for it.

Morbid stories were shared, with humour and reality. A story of an elderly whom have already chosen the clothes to be buried in. People whom already bought themselves burial plots (prime real estate, hahahah, ugh) and paid for their funeral costs and know which songs should be played!

I was asked how I would like my lifeless body to be dealt with. I decided I wanted to be cremated (Hhhmmm, I just remembered my brother passed away 3 years ago this week, the timing of this blog for my family may not be the best, sorry...). My family reside in various countries. If they wanted to keep a "piece" of me close by, they are welcome to separate my ashes. I like the idea of friends/family taking small bags of my ashes with them too, for them to keep or scatter wherever they feel like - at sea, in plants, on clouds, buried, at home, some place, etc. It sits well with the adventurer in me! :-) If someone decided to flush me down the toilet, that would still be fine, it is the person's way of saying goodbye (I would always be in their business, hahahah ugh sorry, one of the toilet humour shared).

I was also asked about organ donation (not part of my will). I will leave the decision to my family. I don't mind, but I do not feel at ease with the idea of being part of such a "list" while I am still living. In case a battle ensues on whether to keep me alive, for example between my family and my partner's family, or between my family, I request a concensus vote. The main executor of my will can (if willing) be the uneven count to make sure a decision will be made, but to vote the same time as everyone else so no one hopefully will know who voted a certain way. If two families are in conflict, the same system applies. Both sides with equal number, plus the main executor of my will (if willing). If one side has too many members, all their names should be placed in a covered bucket, and those names picked first by the other group (until they represent the same numbers as the other family) will have a vote. If it still comes to a standstill, please work it out. Remember I love a well-lived life, I will hold on to living for as long as I could, and while I am here I will always love you in words and actions, but I am not afraid to die and finally be with God.

Blessings and peace to all. :-)

Everest - Part II

A few days ago, I wrote the blog "Everest", talking about letting go of my goal to climb the summit, because the changes that may occur to my life may not be able to (financially) support this dream. I talked about accepting the consequences.

The situation has not changed. The battle within still rages. But in this blog I will give voice to the other side, and talk about perseverance.

Fair enough, my focus will not be... on myself. In stepping forward to the life changes, my self-centred plans will be pushed aside, and I will/may not have disposable income to be able to afford the high costs (of training, equipping, and travelling to practice climbing summits around the world). The summit dream requires both constantly present to succeed.

Instead of saying "never" though, I can continue dreaming BIG. Believe that there will be a third chance. Believe that the journeys of my new life may still lead to the second chance, where my personal dreams will naturally be included in the bigger purpose. The major focus may be different but I could still stay inspired and be motivated by this lesser priority mission. To trust that it will all work out and balance itself out.

To have that faith takes action. That's why we say "leap of faith", we have to move forward, even though we don't see what's ahead. The same as having faith in God when we trust and obey His plans despite the future not making sense or seeming to be insecure. We are not meant to sit idly. We can chase all our dreams concurrently with various levels of persistence, consciously and unconsciously. Just be mindful of our priorities and reasons.

When I was young I dreamt of many things, that made my journey through life wonderfully fascinating. Dreaming large should not stop when grown up. In fact, it is essential! Women in their 50s and 70s climbed to the top of Mount Everest. SO CAN I. These women were able to do it because they had many climbing experiences behind them. To walk the same path, I should follow their example - stay fit, keep healthy, train for altitude climbs on various mountains whenever possible, enjoy the journey and learn its lessons, and never give up on the dream.

Everest

"Dream BIG!"

... I was told when I was young.... So I did.... Why not? Dreams are free, gave me goals that felt grrreat(!) when achieved, and it gave me hope for the future :-). One that stayed consistent was to climb Mount Everest - to reach the summit, enjoy the top, and get back to base camp healthy. It is the biggest achievable adventure here on Earth for me!!!

Everything about it seemed impossible for me at the time - so high, so hard, so expensive, so far, so much training and preparation, and so dangerous. When I realised I could do it around 2005, I was "over the moon" (another dream, another blog, hahah)! I didn't take the opportunity, deciding to spend the money "wisely" for ventures, linked to dreams made with others, and I hoped would still eventually make my dreams a reality. I envisioned it'd delay preparation to climb the summit for about 2 years.

I have another opportunity to do it from now, before I get too old or unfit or financially incapable, while there are no kids to take care of. But again, there's a push to prioritise on something else. Life does that I know.... :-)

I stare at this photo A LOT. Really reflecting on my decision - to go or not to go. This is my hardest dream for myself I can make come true! I really want to go, NOW is the time to commit to training and to work (to finance the costs), with lots of preparation and balancing acts! It would take at least a year, and will voluntarily take me away from another path I feel/think I am heading.

NOT GOING now, will signify a HUGE change of focus for me. It will represent a change in what drives me, my motivation and my lifestyle.

If I don't seize this opportunity, my second chance, which I know in life sometimes never comes again, I may never go. Never say never, but I may not be able to reach the summit. Of course I'd still be happy to be standing at Base Camp admiring the landscape. My gratefulness will soar if I get to climb to higher Camps (1-4). But my spirit reaches for the top! EVEREST SUMMIT.

I won't regret letting go of this summit dream. I have faith in my reasons. It's just... there's a battle going on inside me at the moment. It's very hard to naturally accept what I picture as consequences, this a major example. Life-changing priorities and decisions.

Script

* This was embarrassing to share! I wrote it in good humour, laughing at myself and shaking my head as I typed. But my penchance for melodrama, or maybe the way I describe without writing or journalistic training, made it as you will soon read.... ugh *rolling eyes*! I captured a fraction of living (we all go through), where I felt a significant tug and I stood still. *

This month felt like I was playing a character in a television drama. You know, similar to those scenarios where, at the start of the season, I made a hard decision to stand up for myself (heartspeak), for what I believed I deserved (mindspeak). For something I shouldn’t compromise (mindspeak).  And to correct what I felt was wrong with me (heartspeak) - I needed time with myself, to be the person I preferred to live with.  All those plots combined, with wishful thinking (the heart wished it, really…) that somehow the other party’s reactions will still make it a “happy ending”.

Hard decisions required strong actions (with compassion and/or with conviction and/or with self-protection). In this case, it was to make a “simple” choice after taking in too many considerations – fight or flight reaction – which was it going to be?  I allowed my mind to decide, rather than my usual heart. I thought it was the mature thing to do.

The season did not have a happy ending. I took various signs as confirmation that I made the correct decision. Still, the heart took longer to let go, as it held on to the hope of what was wonderful about the other party. But I refused to listen to it and chase after it, and accepted the consequences of my action.

Many episodes forward. Events and people brought in light or dark colours to our separate lives. A good friendship was somehow maintained, because really if layers of social intricacies were removed, (maybe) both parties were remembering/feeling the glimpses of the past that had so much future promise, if only (insert all reasons, uncompromises and excuses here)…. If only.

To keep the viewers (me) stirred, I found out something that sparked the possibility of a happier ending. It seemed the other party wanted it too, but reacted in character to my decisions, which I understand better now. Excitedly I willed myself to bare all. This time my heart was going to lead. Ready to express how I truly felt candidly, a loving feedback. But like a twist that could get the show nominated to receive awards for excellent script-writing…. The poems stopped short at the tip of my tongue. I decided at the last millisecond that the other party’s actions/speeches were, again, sending a different message. Quietly struck by the reminders of why I did what I did in the first place. Harsh confirmations, because my heart felt almost stupid. But my mind consoled its long-term friend, with words of wisdom, appreciating the beautiful mess.

This season, the main character has let go (not assuming/judging, walking forward), regardless of factual possibilities of happiness. Both parties need to believe and be willing to take a step of faith towards it, at the same time, for it to work. Sometimes our hearts’ languages speak such different dialects to whoever it chose, that offering full love (more than plain ease of sharing love) become too high a mountain to walk. Like a loved bird that's been set free, if it comes back it will be mine, but if not it never was. My mind knew it then. My heart took a while.... ;-)