Assurance

This post combined 2 topics, ending with the same conclusion. The first one will be about “self”-confidence, and the other about invincibility.

1. “Self” Confidence

People always complimented and warned me about my confidence. They felt I have a lot (too much) of it because I am gregarious, not shy to speak to strangers, active, adventurous, and travelled alone and independently in foreign or “unsafe” countries. I also held myself well (enough) in stressful or demanding situations.

I used to be baffled by this impression of me, but I am used to it now. I understand and agree to it now. I keep saying “now”, because not so long ago I remember I wasn’t. I grew up “alone” (lacked parental/adult guidance) so I was scared and inexperienced; even quiet and awkward. Thankfully I was blessed with older siblings (barely and not at all adults themselves) who were also trying to make sense of their world but understood enough to step in at different times in our lives when I needed protection.

My main danger growing up was… I attracted a lot of paedophiles, or men who liked to romance much younger ladies/children. A LOT OF THEM, so many that I could not understand how, alone, I came out of it unscathed!!??!? In my case – while I was under 7, under 10, up to below 16 years of age. The dangers came in all forms – locals, foreigners, neighbours’ parents/relatives, talent/industry agents and producers, working men, bludgers and authoritative figures. They would befriend me, give me expensive gifts, promises to make me rich and famous, pick me up from school, give me money, compliment me, make me feel smart, offer me rides home and invite me to go to exciting places (for a child). Sometimes they also had people/women helping them to convince me but they too did not have my interest in mind. :-(

In my blog “Spiritual” I mentioned my relationship with God from childhood. I was not alone because He was there with me. He, with my siblings, kept me safe. My sisters returned gifts for me. Ugh, I remember when I was 9 years old I handed an expensive new watch to my sister, confused, because I questioned why the father gave it to me but not his daughter!?! I also declined many gifts including my school allowances for a month and toys and clothes and jewellery and chocolates etc (then later a request to take my photo because I was so beautiful or photogenic, yuck). I learned to never accept random gifts, if not given to me in view of my family and trusted friends. I also eventually avoided people/friends whom introduced me to these dangerous men/women. As a child, I learned, or more appropriately, I survived these lessons.

It is interesting what people valued. An old friend from those times wished she had the same offers I had. She had a rough life, at least she could have been “rich and famous”. I know my life would have been much different if I entered “showbiz life” (as I called it growing up). It would have been a messy life. I probably would have still been able to make something worthwhile come out of it, but only after being repeatedly taken advantage of and going through tumultuous experiences (in exchange for the glitz and glamour). I much like the safer path I chose.

So I wasn’t naturally self-confident. I grew up careful, unsure and scared. But it was all hidden behind my youth, curiosity and friendliness. I did not step out of my comfort zone until I felt I was in a safe environment, grown up, gained wisdom, and acquired abilities to fend for myself. But those I learned slowly at the start. That's why I value selfless givers and encouragers, some whom held my hand (figuratively and literally) to show me I could do many things.

Mostly my confidence developed from feeling assured, which I will talk about later in this post….

2. Invincible

My youth and zest for life had a wonderful way of making me enjoy moments while they occurred. Both, with inexperience and curiosity, always made me wonder what else was out there, therefore also always made me keen to discover and explore. So as my confidence developed, I pushed more against my boundaries; and as I succeeded/failed, the more I felt strong and capable. Risks were calculated and more often than not I braved the “safe” plunge even though it placed me in vulnerable situations. I felt confidently invincible. Undeterred. My insecurities existed but I worked on defeating them. It felt great when I overcame fears, boosting my belief that "I could do anything!".

This month, however, that feeling of invincibility was taken off me. I became “half-legged” – one and a half healing from injuries. Experiences of hospitalisations and serious sicknesses did not faze me. Caught between being oblivious and being invincible, I trusted I would heal.

When I injured my right leg, I dealt with it unaffectedly. It would leave a scar at most. When I injured my left ankle as well, still I did not worry. But when even after rest my foot/feet/ankle/legs struggled to carry my weight, the seriousness of it finally hit home.

I was no longer physically invincible.

Immediately Everest looked doubly far. It stretched quickly away from me in my imagination…! Certainty of future (plans) became very confusing. I suddenly could not do many of them, or would have a new level of difficulty performing them. My active lifestyle was forcibly adjusted. Most activities were removed or cut down. I struggled to (and will not) accept my inability to perform them in my future. Thanks to modern medicine, I am pushing to mend my body and go through therapy for “full” recovery.

But now I understand I am really not invincible. I was humbled. Yet still, I feel God’s assurance.

= Assurance

Again, as mentioned in the blog “Spiritual” everything I am I credit to God. He moulded me to the person I am now. It was instinctual when I was young, I just did what I thought would not make Him unhappy – no drugs and be kind were the key rules. Notice how my focus was not about "what would make Him happy?"…. I did not serve Him, I only feared and respected Him.

I don’t know why I was kept safe from harm when other children were not, but I will be forever grateful…. My relationship with God became blurred when I got older because I believed my own fantastic. He always clearly answered my prayers (to my liking and disliking). But I did not differentiate the guidance I received from him and from the people I met. I just followed those that I felt were best or suited my vested interests.

It was a great feeling and very empowering to be aware that God always had my back. He proved to me that I will always be from fully to relatively safe. He encouraged me to try and to be confident. We’ve had many imaginary handshakes, well-done-squeezes-on-the-shoulder, and high-fives, especially in my twenties. I took life’s trials as lessons I’d survive that He wanted me to learn. Hardships became like games where I had to figure out how to best deal (or not deal) with them. That’s why I maintained a childlike personality I think.

As my experiences increased, in my over-confidence and invincibility, I stopped asking God for help. I felt competent to deal with the problems on my own. Instead I said, “enough please” or “bring it on”. I also still never asked what He wanted me to do. I never asked how I could do things for Him. I helped and gave to others, but to God I just kept taking. My questions were still clearly answered but I did not listen when I did not like the answers. When I joked with God, I told him He brought me up spoilt ;-).

He disciplined me, and guided me through the consequences of my actions, with soooo much love. He showed me how much more deeply my relationship with Him could be. He understands that the world confuses and scares me, and it is hard to be accountable, but He assures me of His forgiveness and grace. He encourages me to be better, and free to be me. That is why I say that everything people see and admire in me comes from God. It all stems from that assurance He has given me. With this assurance - physical, emotional and spiritual barriers presented by our natural world are diminished or removed. I have the freedom to move forward to serve Him and to be me.

This relationship is not exclusive, nor a luck-of-the-draw. All of us can have it. Allow God to enter your life. Soften your heart and mind. Pray or speak to Him, but remember to listen to Him too. I have since met many people who sought and have had this transforming and deep relationship with God. You should see us gush excitedly! Even best, I cannot wait to gush along with you! :-)