Script

* This was embarrassing to share! I wrote it in good humour, laughing at myself and shaking my head as I typed. But my penchance for melodrama, or maybe the way I describe without writing or journalistic training, made it as you will soon read.... ugh *rolling eyes*! I captured a fraction of living (we all go through), where I felt a significant tug and I stood still. *

This month felt like I was playing a character in a television drama. You know, similar to those scenarios where, at the start of the season, I made a hard decision to stand up for myself (heartspeak), for what I believed I deserved (mindspeak). For something I shouldn’t compromise (mindspeak).  And to correct what I felt was wrong with me (heartspeak) - I needed time with myself, to be the person I preferred to live with.  All those plots combined, with wishful thinking (the heart wished it, really…) that somehow the other party’s reactions will still make it a “happy ending”.

Hard decisions required strong actions (with compassion and/or with conviction and/or with self-protection). In this case, it was to make a “simple” choice after taking in too many considerations – fight or flight reaction – which was it going to be?  I allowed my mind to decide, rather than my usual heart. I thought it was the mature thing to do.

The season did not have a happy ending. I took various signs as confirmation that I made the correct decision. Still, the heart took longer to let go, as it held on to the hope of what was wonderful about the other party. But I refused to listen to it and chase after it, and accepted the consequences of my action.

Many episodes forward. Events and people brought in light or dark colours to our separate lives. A good friendship was somehow maintained, because really if layers of social intricacies were removed, (maybe) both parties were remembering/feeling the glimpses of the past that had so much future promise, if only (insert all reasons, uncompromises and excuses here)…. If only.

To keep the viewers (me) stirred, I found out something that sparked the possibility of a happier ending. It seemed the other party wanted it too, but reacted in character to my decisions, which I understand better now. Excitedly I willed myself to bare all. This time my heart was going to lead. Ready to express how I truly felt candidly, a loving feedback. But like a twist that could get the show nominated to receive awards for excellent script-writing…. The poems stopped short at the tip of my tongue. I decided at the last millisecond that the other party’s actions/speeches were, again, sending a different message. Quietly struck by the reminders of why I did what I did in the first place. Harsh confirmations, because my heart felt almost stupid. But my mind consoled its long-term friend, with words of wisdom, appreciating the beautiful mess.

This season, the main character has let go (not assuming/judging, walking forward), regardless of factual possibilities of happiness. Both parties need to believe and be willing to take a step of faith towards it, at the same time, for it to work. Sometimes our hearts’ languages speak such different dialects to whoever it chose, that offering full love (more than plain ease of sharing love) become too high a mountain to walk. Like a loved bird that's been set free, if it comes back it will be mine, but if not it never was. My mind knew it then. My heart took a while.... ;-)

Top Tens - Winter 2012

Ten Things I Love

1. I witnessed an older man quietly rush to get another older man/colleague (whom coughed once while presenting to a congregation) a cup of water, because he noticed/felt it was needed. It entered my mind but I let the impulse pass. The rest of us probably would not have bothered unless the speaker choked, and maybe even then waited for someone else to act :-/...? Very few in the crowd noticed this act. It happened while we had our eyes closed (praying). I heard him only because I was sitting close to the steps and the space between them. It was very sweet, caring, kind, humbling and touching.... I love the heart of these 2 men, having dealt with them many times before. I wondered if they were like this as young men, hopeful that men "man up" young, not too late in life... ☺♥.
2. Acts of service. Like above. Kindness from so many people, without expecting any return -> others-focused giving.

3. Being romantic ☺♥

4. Old-fashioned love letters, even if expressed in other languages, if my languages are too limiting (sent electronically is fine but also nice handwritten ♥☺♥).

5. Improving my cooking/baking skills

6. Spiritual challenges and learning

7. Peace and quiet... simpler life

8. Seeing flowers at home and at work

9. Chivalry

10. The spa to soothe my muscle pains/strains

Ten Things I Miss

1. Someone to be romantic with *sheepish smile*

2. Old fashioned love letters ☺♥

3. My nieces and nephews (and family in general)

4. Non-airconditioned warmth. Nature's warmth. I am built for tropical weather, for heat. Winter - heating, and the layers of clothing I have to wear to keep warm - stresses me/my body down. Plans to relocate to warmer year-round climate soon or in a few years....

5. Exploring a new place/country

6. Dancing partners/groups

7. Massages, my body's taking much beating, literally (self-defence training)!

8. How my body felt before all the training I started this year.... more pampered/feminine... now mostly strained/pained, ack.

9. Having time for other interests

10. Time past.... Since I was in early teen I never rushed to get older. Instead I was already acutely aware of how fleeting time was, how fast time passed!.... I tried to live life seizing moments and enjoying "being", moving and standing still, and experiencing life without losing integrity/morals/values. I've lived so much! ☺♥ Yet, I still feel life/time is moving too fast for me!!?.... ack.

Ten Goals for 2012 (Pretty much the same as Autumn's List)

1. Doing well not shopping for material things. But I needed shin guards, a mouth guard, and open gloves to continue my training. And I was given over-the-knee boots I mentioned I wanted ☺. I guess they don't count (a part of me is wishing a simple thigh-high boots will also land on my hand before this season is over, hahahah, ack!)....

2. Still procrastinating on finishing my online course to teach English as a Foreign Language. Haven't touch it since May/June!!! I just have to finish the assignment to get over the hump, uuuuugggghh! Other course that requires a LOT of reading and attending 2.5 hours sessions weekly also already started.

3. I don't think I'll see the solar eclipse in Port Douglas, I'm being pulled towards another direction. But still aiming for a minimum of 4 weeks exploring before this year ends. At the moment, no time to organise it within budget, or else I would just tell anyone to plan it and pay. Yes, I am not overflowing with riches or spoils or easy life, like surprisingly some people believe. I just like to seize moments - dogged in executing (some/most) plans, or willing to yield with wisdom. I'm trying to balance all (within my current life stage), being responsible and adaptable with compassion, but I don't make minor reasons my major excuses for not reaching my goals or making life decisions. ☺

4. Improve financially, to "nest egg".... ==> This goal is hard, mostly because I forget to be more business-minded, enterprising, or be a capitalist. It is hard to make your goal something that really is not important to you, no matter how well you or others think you could be at it.... *The pressure of being responsible instead of trusting my future will be okay.*

5. No "mental-time" to concentrate on learning my 3 languages either... pity.

6. I really don't like having too much stuff nowadays. I have much I cannot part with, so I have to be cut-throat in what gets added to it. It's amazing/frustrating how many pieces of similar things I own (in different shapes, colours, styles/elegance, values, purposes, sentimentality, etc). And because I "flow" amongst a variety of interest/situations, there is no such thing as a "one-for all" or "fits-all-occasion".

7. Goal to be healthier achieved, now aiming to maintain. Again, for balance - healthy heart, healthy mind, healthy body ☺♥.

8. Skin, hah! "India" scars are still on me, plus new ones (little scars, mostly bruises) from my self-defence training on top. I have at least worked out because I can't handle how ravaged my skin gets when irritated, I cannot live long-term in jungles, or insect-biting-and-itchy-plant-infested places, or somewhere where sanitation could be a concern. Limiting, at least until I get much older when I won't care as much, or until I find the cure.

9. I still haven't driven or ridden. My licenses are purely decorative.

10. Not to injure myself!!

Fasting

Two years ago, while in Egypt, I decided to fast for 10 days during Ramadan. I was doing it out of curiosity, as a social experiment, not for religious reason. I wanted to understand what the locals were going through.  It was my first time to fast fully – no water and no food from sunrise to sunset. When I thought back, I don’t know how I survived it. I walked, snorkelled and swam for hours during the day in the heat(!); my mouth was always salty from the sea, and my body burnt a lot of energy.

It was a really good experience. Pity I didn’t journal. I just went through the motions. From around the 5th day when locals found out I hadn’t given up, they started inviting me to “break fast” with them at sunset. They noticed I was losing a lot of weight, so they also shared to me tips on how to eat properly and healthily. It was serene to walk outside at 3am or 4am to eat a meal quietly before sunrise, on my own or with locals.

Bless their hearts, I know now but I didn’t at the time... but they were accommodating enough to not (embarrass me) let me know… coz they did not want to discourage the fact that I tried…. I was doing so many things wrong. I heard the men were not to look at women in the eyes, so I did not get offended and tried to limit talking to the Muslim men during the day (waited til night). But I didn’t know it was to resist temptation or to remove “impurities” in their thoughts. Women were meant to help the men by dressing modestly, while they too deal with impurities in their thoughts. I walked around in my swimwear/little clothes, frolicked, romanced the place, and sunbaked half-naked. I showed up to breaking of fast wearing shorts and singlet, or looked sunkissed-fabulous. I don’t even know if I was meant to mingle with them at night, but they were so glad to know I was fasting with them, that they took me in. They understood I was still a tourist.

In the end I understood during the fast that life is simple. We don’t need a lot. I appreciated much, especially kindness and relationships/brotherhood.
On the negative side, I remember the generally well-mannered Egyptians (men) became hotheaded after a week. It was obvious they were suffering from not being able to smoke (marijuana, etc) and struggling with being pure. It was only during Ramadan did I hear shoutings and altercations.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Last year, I decided to try it again, but that time in a non-Muslim country, my home. Again as a curious social experiment, though I could have made it religious as I was more spiritual and having a closer relationship with God. Instead I kept very quiet of the fact that I was fasting, to avoid having to explain my reasons at work and outside work.

Below are some of what I wrote:

1 August 2011

First day of fasting is already VERY hard. I felt every single hour. It's 5.14pm now. I'm writing this to distract me from staring down the clock - counting every second! Sunset will be at 5:33pm. I'm hungry but not overtaken by thoughts of eating. I can last til later tonight. But water! I don’t know if I'm really too thirsty or I am only craving something (water) that is not allowed.

2 August 2011

Ack! I went for a walk lunchtime to keep myself busy and stop thinking of water. I ended up in a supermarket to check out a few things. I forgot about the fast and tried a cherry! I didn’t even realise until I was walking back to work. I guess at least it wasn’t intentional. Will try to be more conscious.

3 August 2011

Dinner in a restaurant with 3 generations of women in my family. Hard to stick to “fasting diet”. Being “alone” doing this fast is much harder now, compared to doing it with the community last year. I wonder how the Muslims are coping, with their non-Muslim colleagues not really understanding, and still being exposed to the “temptations of the world”. I guess they are experiencing the reverse of what the Christians are experiencing in Muslim world, where food shops and drinks are closed during the day, and people are frowned upon for drinking water or eating in public. Oh! I remembered parading in a train station with my 2 litre water bottle drinking in front of everyone continuously coz it was so hot! Ack! It didn’t occur to me til months later how hard/rude it must have been for the Muslims to see me then. A mother approached me asking me to give her very young son some water, which I obliged to do, and recalled he drank so much. But even then I didn’t understand (that maybe the little boy saw me with the water and made him hungry for a drink, ugh!).

4 August 2011

Going to a dinner tonight for (sister-in-law’s aunt’s) birthday. It will be after 6pm so I won’t need to explain anything. The ski trip at the end of the month will be interesting. Two or three nights of the trip is still within the fasting month. I havent decided if I would continue this for a month. But for now, fasting is set only for 10 days, like last year.

8 August 2011

I'm actually quite baffled by my cravings and thirst. I coped much better last year in Dahab - in hot weather, active (snorkelling, swimming, walking, etc), and unprepared. I attended a cross circuit session (a tenth of the activities I did daily in Dahab) in the gym today, but mostly I only sat at my desk. At least my mouth did not end up salty due to seawater.

11 August 2011

Did a cross-training circuit with 3 other ladies in the gym today and health appraisal on Monday. Continuing the fast, maybe til the 14th to do 2 weeks, and it seems fitting to end it on a Sunday. There was an afternoon tea for me and other colleagues to welcome us (back) into the area with food (mine 9-10 months delayed, as I was only verbally welcomed in October, better late than never). I could not eat but thankfully I was also fasting for a health assessment (not really, too early), so I only mentioned that reason. I wanted to keep my continuous fasting private at work.

14 August 2011

I have fasted several times before since. But times were always set (for example, from 6am to 6pm). And water was allowed. I was curious as to the effect of not drinking while fasting, so I decided to try it out for 10 days last year. I also wanted to understand Ramadan, a huge part of the Muslim culture. I do not follow the religion, but I knew from experience, the best way to understand is to go through it too (safely, not watching from outside, or similar to having empathy instead of sympathy). It was fascinating! I remember how life and my needs felt much simpler; and thoughts became clearer when I took away the water and lost control of the timing. I wasn’t even doing it properly (e.g. did not keep myself pure, walked around in bathing suit while fasting heheheh). I had no clue when sunset was so I had to rely on seeing others break their fast or from hearing the Islam prayer call. I also felt honoured when the locals invited me to join their sunset breakfasts (iftar) after they found out I was also fasting. There was something nice about being part of the community, the daily sharing of meals, being welcomed or allowed to peek into this part of their culture. They also taught me how to prepare for the fast early in the morning (suhoor) so that I do not go too hungry or too thirsty early in the day. I appreciated the experience. And it is a practice I decided to continue when/if I am fasting for my faith.... 5.32pm. Almost! Ugh hahahah! I am very aware of where my water bottle is now. I don’t think I reflected much today. Praying now for God's guidance before drinking the water. Thankful I had the discipline and the willpower to last today. TWO WEEKS!

  

15 August 2012

Sunrise earlier by a minute everyday!!! I’m more time aware now and it makes coping so much harder. Having set times to meet daily – waking up for work in time, lunchtime activities, meetings, appointments, etc. People inviting me for coffee or lunch and I can’t eat or drink, but I don’t tell them why! I feel weaker. My reaction a little slower, maybe it takes me longer/slower to process things....? Gym session was hard. NEED water!

  

20 August 2011
I was too sleepy to get up early to eat breakfast this morning. I drank a little bit of water and went back to sleep. I woke up 6.58am. Considered still squeezing a meal, sunrise at 7am. Did not do it, just took a few gulps of water. Now, it's 10.42am, my stomach is growling and my mouth is already dry. I only had a few pieces of sushi last night. My mom fried some chicken and rice for me to eat later, but I pushed eating it for breakfast, thinking I would have time. I had some sweet cake which is probably why I am thirsty now. Forgot to drink milk.

  

25 August 2011

Finished my gym workout. I did not want to stop my normal routine. I gurgled water midway, but made sure I didn’t drink any. The hardest part is my throat being really coarse. Second is my mouth feeling dry. Third worrying that my breath is stale or smelly!??! Ugh! Going to a dinner tonight. It will be after 6pm again, so after sunset. May not do full month of fasting.

  

28 August 2011
Ending my fast today. I don’t know why I bothered to do it for a month(ish). Bullheadedness was one reason, not backing out of a challenge. I did not get the same experience. The 10 days last year was more worthwhile. I did not get clarity, but I found out my willpower is tenacious! To a fault? It feels mostly pointless to do it this long, unless maybe if done for spiritual reason. But people really shouldn’t fast unless they feel a compulsion. And if it is for a health fast, call it so. BUT, be careful, you could do more harm than good. And maybe don’t stop drinking water.

  

29 August 2011

I had to remind myself I’m not fasting anymore. I don’t think I lost weight. If anything I may have messed up my burning rate, coz my body slowed down thinking it is starving. Ugh! Hope it does not affect my strength and stamina for the snowboarding trip. I feel very weak.

Playful In The Kitchen

The kitchen used to be a place where I felt inadequate, and uncomfortable. Though I was told my few dishes were delicious, I detested cooking and always managed to hurt myself! My stress levels always rose irrationally high, to the point where I would get headaches, unless I knew I was only there to wash pots and dishes. Cleaning was about the only thing I was willing to do. I was less likely to burn or cut myself then.

Men in my life all became great cooks (and better restaurant critics) because of me. I was a lucky woman to be so loved and cared for. A man who can cook will always be one of the secondary criterion I look for in a partner :-). A good way to attract my heart really is through my stomach, hihihih! Everything connected to food wonderfully stimulate my senses.

I went through phases where I was resolute in trying. I also wanted to care and love back through cooking. I was baffled how I could love food so much but struggled to put "things" together - from mixing all the ingredients for one dish, to putting together several dishes that would go well for a meal or banquet.

Eureka! I just had an epiphany! Choreography! It's all about choreography! Creativity too, using cooking as an outlet to create (master)pieces when not just dishing whatever to feed a hungry stomach (that's survival, heheheh, which was how I knew to do it!). But choreography....! It's the dance starting from having all the ingredients separately on the benchtop, to shaping and fusing them together - to create something different, to look/taste/smell appealing, or to simply improve overall. My head could multi-task and work out what needed to be done. But my body struggled to catch up when specific movements were needed - cut, peel, boil, careful, turn, left, right, bend to put in oven, careful, pick up ladle, wash this, check the oven, pour that, hot hot careful, mix continously, turn the fire down/up, squeeze, rind - aaaaaaaaaccccckk!!! Replaying these in my imagination increased my heart rate, hahahah, ugh!

But now, I think I got it.... It's like when I dance.... Let me move to the rhythm playfully, it could be magic. Make me learn steps or a routine, I'd be awkward.... AH-HAH! :-))))

I was just gonna blog about enjoying cooking now. Less stressed, more willing and more fun. But not I know why and how! That's why I should continue viewing it playfully. Keep my stress restricted to getting the ingredients together (and familiarising myself to a recipe). Once I am ready to prepare the dishes, I tend to follow only the core of the instructions. I fool around and play with my cooking, curious how they are going to turn out, but happy to just "create". I would consult and could take requests, but allow me to whip up what I fancy making. When in my zone, instead of stressing, you'd probably even find me creating/doing something else unplanned on the side. Either a "task" to save time later (e.g. boiling eggs for salad at work, etc) or  "more play" where I remembered eating/seeing something in a restaurant or magazine and I was curious enough to end up making them too since the ingredients where also in front of me. Most of what I've made turned out well, I was told ;-P.

I still don't like shopping for ingredients. I'm not a (keen) shopper, full stop. But place me in a kitchen where enough of what I need are available and time to just be.... Play some music (or I will be humming), stimulate my senses, with company preferred to be social and for more fun.... I am confident many masterpieces will be produced!

I am finally embracing my domesticated goddess-ness, in the kitchen...! ♥

A Chase of Two T-Shirts

This week concluded a goal that I unknowingly gave myself. The story related to a previous accomplishment. The journey spanned 3 months to more than a year, depending on from when it should be counted. The rewards came in the form of two tee-shirts.

T-Shirt #1

In October 2011 a friend asked me to join her group to participate in a mud-related event. I quickly signed up. Took advantage of the opportunity to do the activity with a willing group (these groups seemed always hard to find). But I pushed training for it to start in mid-January 2012 as I was busier preparing for a trip to three countries that left in November 2011. It gave me about 2.5 months of concentrated training.

I related my experience here.  I have only worn the t-shirt and headband twice since. I think both still has a hint of mud smell(!!) even after being washed They were great souvenirs for what we've accomplished.

(I unsuccessfully tried, but still trying to form a group of minimum 8 people whom feels they cannot finish this event. It will be an inspiring reason to do it again. We will all surely gain valuable experiences from it. My only requests were that we train for it, I can show you how, and that we stay together during the event - to help each other forward as a team.  With relative fitness and without major health complications, anyone can do this - REALLY! Please contact me if you or friends are interested.)

T-Shirt #2

In early 2011 I bought class passes to finally learn self-defence properly. I attended my first training in September 2011, and the second session around February 2012. I couldn't focus on it before Feb due to other priorities that consumed my time. But I knew from day one I chose the right style to learn. Now I try to attend once a week.

I chose Krav Maga coz it was the only style that interested me since the 90s (high school). But I didn't know what it was called until 2010. I never felt the need to learn how to physically protect myself from attacks. I considered myself already street-smart, and male friends taught me some basic evasive/escape manoeuvres. I was always "safe".... except when I travelled alone. Most situations I faced were non-threatening and verbally de-escalated. Before training, thankfully I had only been almost-assaulted once (a hero came to my rescue immediately when he noticed the situation before I did).

Had I been trained for self-defence before my November trip (mentioned above), I don't know if (and I don't think) I would have reacted differently, or if I could have protected myself better.... If you don't know what I'm talking about here, peruse through my posts between December 2011 and January 2012. The situations then were physically and mentally harrassing, but I was not in danger. A few people assumed my experiences then was the reason I decided to learn self defence. It was not. :-)

The main reason I did this training was to help prepare me to achieve t-shirt #1. For functional fitness - might as well learn a new skill like self defence in the process. The second reason was maybe to pass on the knowledge, if the opportunity was presented.

I mentioned some of my experiences in previous blogs. I still struggle to bring out the fighter in me. Many times I wished I could be lazy, and/or assume faith in humanity/men; and let/expect a man (or others) to protect me, 24-7. Nowadays I am always covered in bruises. Two male friends I brought to my club saw a different side of me that they found interesting and/or scary(!!?). Some colleagues are wary of me now too (jokingly?) after understanding what I am learning. Krav Maga moves are aggressive. They could be quite lethal when used and very effective. I'm happy with my choice, but I hope to never use the techniques learned.

When I was being graded the instructor had to ask me to "growl" just to show my aggression, so I did a soft "ggrrr", hahahah ack! I was convinced he was getting frustrated with me for being soft! Later I toughened up when I had to spar with 6-8 men at the end of the grading. I lost count, but I remember half of them were the instructors!!! My left thigh nearly gave up (cramped and pulverised!!) at the end of it! I think most of them (especially the 3-4 students being graded I sparred with) aimed for my left leg when kicking thinking they were being gentler/kinder - good intentions. But they were ALL kicking me on the same leg!! They used their dominant right leg, against my left leg!! I was thankful when I was getting roundhouses aiming for my head!!! About 3 I weakly blocked, had little strength left against all of them men, so I copped the head "grazes". Thankfully most of them were being thrown at me by the instructors (so not too painful)! Controlled fighting/sparring was very tiring!!!! It really gave me a taste of how hard fighting and counter-attacking could be when I didn't know what was going to be thrown at me!!! I felt so vulnerable against their strength! So my learned skills were really for survival enough to escape further harm in real life situations! ACK! :-)

I was so glad I passed! REALLY! I thought I messed up. I had never gone through any form of grading before where I had to "choreograph" movements of my whole body. For someone clumsy like me, it was nerve-wracking! I only tripped over my own feet once, and even then maybe it wasn't obvious, woohoo!

I did a little jump when I was presented my t-shirt. I didn't know about it until I considered being graded. Again, a nice reminder of the achievement :-). I accepted my "punch in the gut" (!! ugh! ack hahah!) by one of the instructors, congratulated the rest of the students, rushed home using public transport (this was a test of strength too - the whole hour, my thighs especially, were screaming!), and thankfully managed to drop myself into the spa 5 minutes before it closed (wearing my one-piece-bathers inside out hahahah!) where I stayed for 20 minutes.

Life/Work/Passions

I feel like cosying up in bed today. I fancy taking it easy, and doing other things that interest me, but don't easily make time for. I imagine spending my day mostly in the kitchen (!!?!) playfully learning to cook dishes I've never prepared before, while dancing to soft music, enjoying wine and bits of food :-). I also wouldn't mind watching cartoons or a feel good movie. Maybe read a book uninterrupted, or simply daydream, do nothing and sleep.... Hhhmmm, soooh tempting! But there's things I must do and things I want to do....


Maybe tomorrow ;-).


Life/Work/Passions... busy, sacrificial, but balanced. ♥

The Great Procrastinator

This is who I am nowadays.... when it comes to my online training.... ack!

I committed myself to 350 hours of online training (plus homework and assignments) which I need to finish within 1 year. I have til March 2013. It's far away enough we think, but it's not really, considering I have completed only 1 month's worth of online studying since 4 months ago. This course usually takes people 6 months average/minimum of focused attention to finish. Until October 2012, I am squeezing it between work and other commitments (which includes other lectures/classroom sessions with lots of reading and homework until end of this year!). I am also aware I plan to travel for at least 4 weeks between October and December, so again, 1 month less "free" time to concentrate on it. Then the Holiday Season before... MARCH 2012!!

I have to stop procrastinating NOW!

I make some novel plan to take a day off work (like today) to tackle it all day. ALL DAY, concentrated work for at least 8 hours. But it's minutes shy of 3pm now and I still haven't logged in!!! My downfall started as soon as I turned on my laptop (9am). I checked my email first, and in it was a promo for cheap flights!!! I'm waiting for a friend to decide whether we are taking the deal I found, etchetera.... Since I was in that mindframe I also started looking into another route I planned to do between October and November, or mid-to-early-next-year. And discussed it with another friend from one of those countries being considered. :-)

When I felt I wasted enough time (11.30am), I closed all the tabs and files related to travel... and instead of finally logging in.... I decided to cook Mexican for the first time!!! I wasn't hungry. I just HAD TO do it now! ;-) I couldn't wait until dinner. I was excited to do it, been waiting since last week to cook, but it was always too late to after reaching home past 10pm, or I grabbed a fast meal outside instead.

Anyway, lotsa preparing, cleaning, serving, eating, self-congratulating, photo-taking and many dishes (not only Mexican) cooked later... as in now... I think I will just crash and watch a movie or take a nap. I'm too relaxed, distracted and don't want to do homework. I have an unrelated class to attend at 7pm today. I will just take it easy until then. :-)


P.S.
Obviously, writing this post was another way I avoided what I really needed to do...!! ;-)


Procrastination this week started from Saturday night really, that's why I termed myself the "great procrastinator". I always found ways to do "other things", that were/seemed more important, heheheh ack!
I was rushing home to have dinner then sit down to study. I bumped into some friends/associates. They also just finished the weekend meeting I missed, to attend a conference I just left from (I caught up today with a facilitator from my group who kindly kept me informed, when I should have been in that meeting coz I will be leading tomorrow night's discussion, ack, thank you!).
I ended up having dinner with one of the ladies and we chatted the night away. It was a very good "spur of the moment" night, and I appreciated the honesty in our conversation. I crave for those conversations lately. My life has been quite routine, focused on various works. Sunday was also another chance to let my hair down - caught up with Bestie after church (and we always part from each other saying, "we should do this more often" but time just flies and pressures takes over, ugh) then Mom and another friend. Sunday night I finished several housework and built myself a wardrobe from a flat-pack (on my own, woohoo!), to free up my Monday purely to start work on my assignments. We know what happened with that plan (see above, heheheh)....

"You Look Like You Had A Rough Night!?"

Woke up this morning groaning, hahahah… ugh. My ribs (back and front) and abdomen felt bruised, and my head was slightly dizzy. All were results of 1 hour of hardcore(?) fitness then 1 hour of self-defense training last night.

We sparred (my second try) and I got kicked hard on the side of my head. I was also knocked down on bended knee by a chest kick. The girl I was sparring with was most experienced but maybe not considering she was up against a little lamb (me). Or she wanted me to be aggressive back...? I'm sure she meant well, and she was apologetic for kicking my face. Yet, little lamb was still careful to aim no higher than her shoulders and not hit her hard on her chest. I didn’t want to hurt her. Next time maybe I should focus on her not hurting me…. On that mat, I have to push out the lover, and pull in the fighter in me.

At work all morning, I was complimented for how I looked. Reactions were the whiplash varieties. Foot traffic-stopping. I thanked them but I was baffled/embarrassed. I wore the exact same clothes last week, but then it was uneventful. Today I did one thing different - I wore my hair down, longish with some waves flowing freely. I didn’t explain that I didn’t brush my hair, that my head hurt when I tied my hair, that I felt dazed, that the side of my head was tender, and that my body was desperate for a massage. I wasn’t in the mood to explain, it took too much concentration/effort.

Later, Angel One walked in, stopped in front of my desk, looked at me quietly for a few seconds, then said, "You look like you had a rough night". Hahahah! He received the most genuine and beaming smile from me. I thought it was the best and funniest thing I heard all day, and it lifted my spirits up immediately. I was surprised he figured how I really felt. His honesty - I loved it!!! I'm not a sadist, and he wasn’t being rude. I knew he didn't say it to criticize. He said it because he saw past the outer layer, and shared his concern.

P.S.
We are celebrating his 60th birthday next week. He asked me to seat next to him. Aaaaaawwww  ♥♥ :-).
I'm also fine now (but still want sport massages!). Ready for the next sparring!! ;-)

Selfish(?) Random Acts of Kindness

I love random acts of kindness. I love giving it, and I love receiving it. A lot of my amazing and memorable experiences came from receiving these acts of kindness from strangers - for example "Guardians" and "In Love In Napoli".

Usually the motivation behind giving kindness is because we see someone (or a group of people) in need of them. I don't think we make a point of helping to be praised or to "put on a show". Our actions are usually reactive or instinctive, with the intention to serve others without expecting anything in return. I heard some people hesitate to help strangers based on how the other person looks. Unless the person was acting aggressive or it was unsafe, I think I offer help without this selection.

This week however, I decided to help (take a family photo) only because it wasn't going to waste my time. I was rushing to work. I saw them looking for someone to take the photograph, as I was about to cross the road next to them. If the light was not flashing amber and there was still a chance for me to make the crossing, I wouldn't have stopped. But I was familiar with that specific intersection and knew the lights changed fast. I knew I would have to bolt to make it. So in that split second of processing the situation (I wasn't going to make it), only then (coz it was convenient) did I decide to help. I reasoned it was better use of my time, instead of just standing waiting for the lights to change in my favour.

The family was very grateful. They thought I was being very kind, taking the time to help them. Silently I was dealing with the reality that it wasn't as they perceived!!

Perfectly synchronised, I handed back the camera just as I heard the beeping sound letting me know it was safe to cross my side of the pedestrian. I walked away reflecting on that simple interaction.

I know it was still an act of kindness. But I couldn't help feeling a little disappointed with myself, because I focused on myself, on my needs, and on how it wouldn't delay my plans. It was a selfish random act of kindness.... I'm still grateful something good came out of my decision. But I hope in the future my decisions to help random strangers would always be lead by the obvious fact that they needed/required the help. :-//

Stretched

A friend made a comment 2 months ago that I'm "always tired", in a manner where she seemed to be disapprovingly saying, "you can't always be tired". Instead of explaining why, I pondered over her comment and answered, "maybe I am more expressive of how I feel".

Curious, I revisited my previous posts where I mentioned being very tired. There were many(!!) - "Rest", "A Little Update About Nothing", "Clearly", "What's In A Week?", "Eight More Days Of Reflection" and "Tough". Very varied reasons and causes of fatigue, but same conclusion.

I've always been looking at how there are always people whom appears much busier than us. For example, full-time working single parents with children/teenagers. The fact that they seemed to cope well meant I should not/could not complain about my lesser undertakings! I've also wondered if placed in similar conditions, how much and for how long could I also stretch myself and survive?? For now, I am concentrating on finding balance. Trying to master being busy but with quality use of time (occupations, not preoccupations).

This morning I wrote an email to a friend apologizing for being difficult yesterday about taking on more responsibilities. I panicked! I again have too much on my plate and other parts of my life are in various levels of suffering, listed below in order of from easiest to neglect to trying hard to not take for granted.

• colleagues (most have given up inviting me to have coffee/lunch, ack)
• housework/tidiness (clean clothes, bags, paperwork and other stuff mixed together on top of my desk, like an evolving artwork in my bedroom, ugh!)
• fitness (cannot let this go coz having a healthy body is important for me to cope with all my activities, but I haven't worked out for 3 weeks now, thankful for the walks to and from work I still do)
• friends (please don't give up, I really had prior commitments! I appreciate your patience :-)... )
• work (trying to stay professional, doing lotsa training to be higher skilled at work, but I am more interested in my training outside work)
• heartfriends/family (if it were not for them coming to me, or I go to them instead of resting... so easy to lose touch, ugh)

I thought I may need to push aside one of my activities, temporarily. This morning I decided it to be my online training to teach English as a foreign language. I was very sad and confused coz I took a step of faith to it, in reply to where I felt I was being lead. But it was the only commitment that I could do later and in my own time. The rest were scheduled, team-based or had people relying on me.

I kept talking to God (my form of praying), holding back tears (I was emotional today, ack, felt overwhelmed for various reasons), but still willing to move/stay where I felt He wanted me to be, no matter how stretched and drained my conditions were. Committed. Trusting. Knowing if it was God's will He will provide the strength. By midday today I think God answered. But first, there was, like another test, of faith, for me to act. I accepted another TWO occupations! I irrationally took on more commitments, but this time I did not panic. I knew I made the right decision.

While discussing how much of my time would be tied to these 2 new endeavours, I found out I could still pursue my online training to teach English! :-) Another course I have been waiting for a year to start was scheduled to run on Mondays. My Monday nights were already booked for studies/lectures until December 2012. Both activities will be good for my growth, but I cannot miss the course. So it was obvious which I had to choose. The decision was already made. I just have to be willing to serve, and be lead.

Top Tens - Autumn List 2012

Ten Things I Love

1. The smell of freshly washed bedsheets, pillowcases and covers ♥☺

2. Flowers! All kinds of flowers!! Love how they smell! Love the way they look! Love wearing them on my hair or ears! ♥☺

3. Eating out and trying out different cuisines

4. The feeling of gratefulness when problems were resolved or ended ♥

5. Iced chocolate drink with ice cream

6. Growing up spiritually

7. Confirmation I made appropriate life decisions

8. Acts of service

9. Chivalry

10. Old fashioned courtship

Ten Things I Miss

1. The beach - warm sea water while swimming and warm sand

2. My siblings' kids/babies!! :-((

3. Reading a good book

4. Having my own place. But still, I love where I live ♥♥!!

5. Protective hugs

6. My hands being kept warm

7. Hotter weather. It’s getting colder!

8. Acts of service

9. Chivalry

10. Old fashioned courtship

Ten Things I Don’t Like

1. It's time. Have to deal with a financial issue from my past (problem#3, the last one, ugh)

2. Chasing debts, wondering when and if I will get the full payment. I dislike it when the issue is about money!

3. People who don’t actively pursue solutions to problems, especially when the other party is me. I know this power game – child’s play – trying to prevent me from moving forward. "Breathe and roll with the punches" (quoted from a colleague).

4. Pettiness. Petty talks. People, stop gossiping negatively about others!

5. Mixed messages, especially regarding the dating "games". Action speaks louder than words/fears/intents. "Love is the easy part. It's making it work that is hard" (More than a decade old quote from an old friend, Gerard, whom I lost contact with pre-2000. I still remember this chat ☺).

6. Me in this complaining mood, ugh. Stop.

7. (Been reading my old diaries. I was strong and independent, but too trusting, nice and gullible. Hopefully still, but also wiser and more balanced ☺). Too many diaries. Intend to burn/shred them after reading, one already gone ☺.

8. Took close to 100 "friends" off the list in my social networking profile. Our chance to get to know each other better, albeit online, had long passed. Then, I prefer to restrict their access to more personal parts of my life whenever possible. :-)

9.

10.

Ten Goals for 2012 (Pretty much the same since Summer 2012's Top Ten List!)

1. Not shopping for clothing/footwear/etc until the end of this year. I have more than enough and my higher needs will not be met buying more! Not that I shop – spent less than $40 total since New Year 2012 ♥☺. About $30 spent on a competition team shirt I wore this week/end.

2. Start and finish online course to teach English as a Second Language.

3. Get rid of problem number 3.

4. See the solar eclipse, 13-14 November 2012, around Port Douglas.

5. Improve financially. Time to "nest egg"....

6. Really work on learning the 3 languages I said I will be fluent in after 5 years.

7. Have even lesser material things. Too many paperwork and reading materials in my room.

8. Be healthier. When active, I seem to not crave eating junk foods or drinking or smoking (i love shisha).

9. Find product/s to prevent bites and cuts from getting worse and lingering on my skin, that I won’ be sensitive to, ugh.

10. Learn to ride a scooter. Get my licence. Relearn to drive, or actually, to park.