Almost

I almost killed someone today.

Or almost hurt someone badly.

Thankfully I didn't.

I got off the tram this afternoon after work, and twisted my healing ankle badly (I don't know how and why). I fell hard on the lady in front of me. I may have heard her scream (I vaguely recall it now), but the pain I felt on my ankle was louder.

The lady got thrown out toward oncoming traffic. Thankfully she wasn't hit. She said she thought I was trying to kill her.

I'm sure I apologised to her. I think she was initially angry but she must have seen the pain on my face. Then I asked her to help me cross the road so I could sit on the bench alongside. Then I can't remember much else. She just disappeared. I went home. It was all a blur.

So very very glad the lady was not run over. She possibly reeled from the experience. Her life could have flashed before her eyes. So very very glad nothing happened to her. Really happy about that. So glad. :-) *tense smile*

Old Lady

I not long ago had an encounter with an old lady that was very unpleasant. It made me very sad, affected, and cried several tears.

I thought I dealt with it well, with the right heart.

I saw her again a couple of days ago. I remembered how quickly I forgave her. I felt glad/pride for it, and immediately congratulated myself for reacting out of love (then).

I could tell she was alone, and looked a little grumpy (her usual demeanour, which to be frank, was off-putting). I remembered what she said about where we were, what she thought of the people, and how she did not feel welcome at that place (to put it lightly). I thought, she must still want to reach out, despite her many complaints and undesirable opinions, despite how she was towards me, despite the difficulty being possibly that she is difficult, and despite her gruffness, because she still attended. I knew there was a lot of truth to what she said (about the place not being very welcoming), but something still made her go. That could be an opportunity or a door for change.

But in spite of feeling strongly to reach out to her, I did not. I remembered my pain, it flashed fully in front of us, then suddenly I could not feel my legs and arms, and my mouth was mute. Only my gaze followed her, as she walked into a room, and as she passed me when she stepped out 5 minutes later. I was ashamed. I knew I reacted out of pain. I realised I did not give her the love I thought I did when I said/believed I did.

*********************************

I have reacted out of pain countless times before. Many of those decisions produced positive results. On the other side, I have reacted out of love before that also produced destructive results. I'm sure we've all had those experiences. To me what pushed or drove the changes to people that empowered or improved them (and others around them) is mostly irrelevant. I just love that people took those steps to be better, where being better was necessary or healthier.

I know a lot of people who are inspiring because they turned their pains into worthy causes, being obvious beacons of light and strongholds for those who are struggling. I could never compare to their compassion, patience and heart.

.... It is very interesting where we get our motivations from. What drives us daily and unconsciously....

My preference is to react out of love. Even if it was uprooted from pain. I've had multiple turns at this now, so I can kinda tell where I am reacting from. When it is out of love, despite feeling some pangs of remorse or regret or heartaches or loss - I feel at peace. I really do. When I am reacting out of pain, then obviously I don't keep my peace. I am more consumed by my heartache, and I can actually feel myself trying to protect myself from further pain (imagined or not). It is harder to let go, to accept, and to allow for changes to occur.

Like the story with the old lady above.

... The worst she could do is tell me again what I already knew were her opinions. The sting I know will lessen as I consciously try to react out of love. I highlighted "consciously" because as we know (or as I decided), love is hard work and a proactive choice. Given freely with the right heart.

Fifteen Minutes

I bought a guitar this weekend.

I've been pushing learning how to play properly, FOR YEARS, because of the following:

• Several months ago I returned the guitar a colleague lent me while I was immobile coz of my ankle, coz I couldn't get it to tune properly; and she left my organisation.
• I waited for a friend to lend me his guitar, but I never got it despite many reminders.
• I decided it would be much cheaper to buy one overseas and learn while I am there for 5-6 months. I did not want to waste the money.
• I didn't want to commit to purchasing one now when I don't know what kind of guitar I would like.
• I couldn't get a friend to go to the music store with me to purchase one for moral support.
• It would take a long time for me to learn, with the difficulty of switching master hand (from being left-handed learning to play with my right). So I wanted to focus on it fully, when I have more time.
• Later, not at the moment. Just because....

Petty (unreasonable) reasons, EXCUSES really, which I allowed myself to believe as strong arguments to NOT DO what I dreamed of doing, to NOT DO what I really wanted to do.

Then someone planted an understanding in my head. Reasonable and achievable. To practice and play, just a few chords, daily, or during down times, for fifteen minutes, or half an hour, just while lost in my thoughts even.

FIFTEEN MINUTES! Surely I can spare that!?


From that thought, all other excuses no longer held.

• Don't have one, and/or waiting for friend to lend me one? Buy my own!
• I can buy it next year? I said the same two years ago, and even now I'm struggling to work out how I could carry it around with me and bring it back home after. Time to JUST COMMIT.
• Too expensive? Stupid excuse when I lately (not last year) I started spending more money eating out. I was investing on spending time with my relationships/friends; but not on myself.
• I can't (and/or don't want to) carry it with me from home to where I am going next year!!? Then leave it here at home. Buy a cheaper one to use next year and give it away.
• I couldn't get someone to go to the store to help me choose? Sometimes, I just have to be a big girl and hold my own hand.... :-//
• It would take a long time to learn (might as well give up now)?! Noooo :-((( .... Too sad to accept I didn't even try.... :-((( .... 15 minutes, start with 15 minutes.

Thankful for the seed of inspiration :-)))).

So I decided to be "selfish". Or...

I acknowledged that I created a huge(!!!) challenge/hurdle where really there was NONE.

We do this all the time. On many indecisions.

But this time, I ended one.

Meet Jack, my new companion and friend. :-)

Two days into it and my left fingers are already moving (slightly) better along the frets.... woohoo!! :-)))

*******************************

Related funny short story :-).

While having a meal and drinks together, I excitedly told my friend about my new guitar, and plans to practice at least 15 minutes a day, or even 5 minutes, where I can, whenever I can.

Friend: Fifteen minutes!!? You don't have fifteen minutes!
Me: What do you mean?
Friend: You're too busy....
Me: I can make intentional time for it.
Friend: When!?
Me: (Looking at my friend seriously) I can spend fifteen minutes less with you now.
Friend: OH! Can't have that....
Me: *Smiled quietly, resumed eating, friend changed topic...* :-)

The Scent of Sake and Hot Chocolate

In my previous post, I clearly showed signs of feeling overwhelmed. All out of my own volition.

My commitments are still the same (less one). But as days progressed, I had the power act on my complaints. To fix where there were imbalances, despite tipping the "neglect" to other tasks I was managing well. Embracing the tightrope I am walking on now. Dominating it, rather than letting it subordinate me.

I guess that's why I am blogging it. Paying a much closer attention to my thoughts and decision process, and reflecting on when I realised the desired effects were achieved.

... I was smelling the sake, while enjoying the company of very drink-responsible friends (It was like having two designated drivers, or one driver and one bodyguard, or two bodyguards whom part-timed as a chauffeurs). I sat there with my second of three alcoholic drinks for the night, goof-balling, drinking most of the hot "water for Gods" (or something like that, as described in the menu) while my emotion seesawed, as we reflected on (my) life. I cannot speak for them... I don't know if they saw me on top of my game, or raw from a little beating. Despite complaining of busyness and not having enough time, spending quality time with them (instead of task-mastering myself) was exactly what I needed. Tasks pushed aside until morning. Today, a day I specifically decided to take off work to chase after various jobs. This was very different to procrastination. I scheduled my focus, instead of spreading myself thin, and avoided not giving the full attention deserved for each moment.

... I also complained about feeling unrested in my previous post. I complained about many things, but this I felt was at breaking point. So despite the thought of work piled up increasing my stress levels; and it would mean I'd have to work "doubly-hard" when back in the office; I took another day off (tomorrow). I accepted those daunting terms while I also soothed myself with it won't be as bad as I imagined, I'm sure, and despite a guilty voice telling me I am spoilt. Reminded myself I knew, I chose to be spoilt, because I can still allow myself to be spoilt (mostly have to take care of myself only). So, while sipping hot chocolate I realised my "ME TIME" had started. I finished two books (or one and a half, as I realised I was relaxed but bored with the second halfway through reading it tonight), onto my third book, until this blog intervened. Pursuing my ME TIME even gave me a chance to pursue writing. Not that this post is any good, heheheh, but at least I am enjoying myself, filling my energy tank with positivity. I probably should be sleeping now to gain physical rest, soon I will. My slower pace now while I am alone is almost like sleep.

The point of this is.... we will always have the ability, the power, to effect positive change into our lives. It does not have to be dramatic. Just a little mix of healthy denial and/or desperation, but staying responsible and keeping your wisdom (no you only live once so break out and do something stupid). Not only seizing moments when presented to you, but creating moments too.

Daytime errands done.... ME TIME ️️️!

... Feeling goodly bohemian in my clashing relaxed clothes (aka fashion terrorista); finished a book with varied choices for next read; stronger chocolate drink as per request; awesome Badu music in the background with earplugs muffling other noise; nice light chow, good downtime in a quiet spot.