Servant

How comfortable are you of being called a servant?

I asked this because someone also asked me why I want to be one, or stay as one....

Reflecting, I realised the very first song I liked singing as a child was "Make Me A Servant"! I know because my sister brought up disliking hearing me singing it out loud a lot. It frustrated her that I was singing to be a maid, hahahah. Jumping to now, even my current workforce role has the word "servant" attached to it! It seems I have lived my whole life actively choosing to perform the role of one.

Images of poverty, hardship, unhappiness, insecurity, lack and need were brought in. Those are a few of what traditionally being a servant signifies, apparently. I have been exposed to and lived within such settings. But I am not in the extreme state of any of those, partly because I am currently located in a country with a stable environment/government. I have not (yet) personally/spiritually experienced such strong "life-shakers", but I know of other faithful servants who have.... I was also told I don't look like one, or one that should be one; or one who would enjoy being one...?? How is a servant meant to look like??!!??

I was fortunate to have worked for several good organisations, with diverse positions. My motivations were never salary-based though I was at times blessed with more. I was never in a role where my performance resulted in financial gain/bonuses. Once I worked for the marketing department of an internationally famous sports association - though there were awesome perks and blinding glitz, the experience confirmed I did not like the mentality/industry ;-).

I felt most in my element when helping others was our priority. Community service. Community protection. Training of colleagues to enable them to perform their roles which ensures the safety and improvement of lives of many. Those were and are my work passion. But I have been in positions where one of my functions was revenue collection. I was always uncomfortable to chase money, although I did it dutifully to the best of my ability, because those workplaces entrusted me with the responsibilities.

I enjoyed most parts of my servant work. So I can honestly say being a servant is NOT only about those images listed above. I agree that such work exposed me to... darkness and unpleasant knowledge and experiences. It is to be expected when in such roles(?), but there were also a lot of encouraging results and moments when the thankless tasks were worth it. The servant lifestyle, for example overseas doing mission work or volunteer work or public service, could include some of those troubles and dangers, depending on which country they are serving. But they are what helps the community where the government does not have (enough) resources to provide for its people.

What matters is the purpose or motivation behind the servitude. Personal challenges (self-centred); financial gain (if money is motivation, it is mostly survival/work, not servitude); to improve the local community (others-centred); to provide employment while getting rich (self-centredness veiled in corporate visions, or else a much bigger portion of the profit would be spent back to improving the local quality of life instead of self); spreading the gospel (God-focused); and much more. Of course it is not black and white; we are driven to take care of "business" (benefiting self and/or others) to survive and have quality of life; and we show good works and good will of services in forms we can best communicate - majority of us well-meaning and well-intentioned, though sometimes efforts are badly delivered.

It is best to look at the heart, who the service is really serving - ourselves, other people, God? Combination of those? Or not at all? With the correct driving force, and with our priorities in order, despite... faithful servitude could result in a lifetime of satisfaction. Happiness too. Hopeful :-).

*Please do not write where I work in the comments section, it's private, thanks :-).*

Expressions Of Love

Back in... 2009(?!) a colleague-friend of mine gifted me with a book about love languages. I was struggling with a "condition" (aka a confusing-heartbreaking-relationship, hahahah ugh) while he was preparing for his wedding. I went out with a man similar to his culture, so our talks consisted of candid questions and answers explained with honesty and maturity. The book did not help my condition because the issues were different. Still, it opened my eyes on how to be better in all my important relationships. So every time I see the book, I fondly remember his visits and gesture. :-)

The book was about how we express our love and how we appreciate expressions of love. Just like dialects and languages of the world, they vary for each individual. To be a good lover we have to ensure that we communicate our love best suited to the recipient, catering for their needs, in their dialect. Being aware of our own love language is also enlightening because it reveals the similarities and differences we could have with the love-giver. If our dialect is very different to them, we could lovingly (not demandingly or forcefully) let them know how they could best let us know - how we like it. And, we could also be more forgiving of the miscommunication. Or, focus more on giving love to them. Brilliant! It made so much sense!

Almost annually, unplanned, I randomly tested myself, to find out my love language. I was curious if I would agree with the results. I also wanted to find out if life experiences and youth/age would change me. I found the results between 2010 and 2012, tucked away in my laptop, last month!!....

Tested in January 2010. Physical touch, quality time and acts of service were highly valued. It seems balanced but I think I was emotionally fragile at the time. I needed to be soothed, calmed and assured of being loved (and not taken for granted)... regardless of how less I felt at the time... while I healed. So I craved praises and loving words. Thankfully, self-worth seemed intact enough, not requiring much reminding.

Tested in August 2011. I definitely valued actions and proofs more than words and promises! But very wary of "takers" so I needed time to get to know people. I appreciated people who were like me, whom decided on what we wanted and went for it without confusion. Mixed messages were unhealthy for me. Loving words were heard but not remembered/valued.

Tested in February 2012. Did not change much. To be expected since test was taken only about half a year later. Maybe I felt more emotionally healthy and more sure of what I needed/wanted. Opened up to relationships more again. Still preferred consistent actions and seeing acts of selfless giving. Needs for words of affirmation stayed consistently low throughout the years. Promises and signs of uncertainty hit walled-up ears, hahahah! Ugh ;-).

Nowadays, it changed, I changed - growth, maturity, life. But my expressions are still fairly balanced or broadly spread. To me it seems that all expressions are noticed, including words of affirmation. All forms of love languages are appreciated. But still consistent with preferring actions and results over promises and words.

... For people not familiar with how to read the profiles, here's a simple explanation of each of the five languages. Click on the photos to make them large enough to read. :-)


HAPPY VALENTINES DAY! Life and love are meant to walk hand-in-hand.... May your every day be celebrated with lots of love, not just once a year. 

Changes To Me.... Changes In Me

Some people do not know how to react to my changes. Or they do not understand (agree). People who have been connected to my life. People who knew me for several years. Also people I wished/thought knew me better (after years of interaction).

For about a decade, I had diverse (and repeated) pressures, adventures, lessons, challenges and reshaping - to the person I am now. It did not strike me fully until a year ago and initially in August 2010 (to post in the future, maybe). So I guess, depending on when people met me; and how well they got to know me versus how they perceived me or what they wanted from me; was how they remembered me/us. My priorities changed, but I thought I was still the same person, the same core, the parts I could not fake.

I, did not know how to react to their reactions. I struggled with impressions of me being different. I could not understand why their expectations changed. I was shaken up with my positives and my negatives, as expressed (verbally and non-verbally) to me. I did not pay much heed to those reactions, until this month. I guess because I knew that despite of, my truest and longest-serving friends/families would accept me (and they have, bless their sweet hearts) regardless and they knew the "real me"", aka "my core". Plus, we all went through crossroads and life changes, right? Some transformations more pronounced than others. I thought mine was no more (even much less) than everyone else's. But for the sake of writing rambling thoughts out loud....

I will focus on the issue of my spirituality as it is the one getting the most attention. But let me highlight that the circular endless talk regarding this also includes people who are newly known or/and want to make sure I hear their opinions too. Similar to how I did it when I did not understand, because I wanted to make sure they did... (irony?). Anyway, this could be a continuation of a previous blog. I'll fast forward through events.... I attended a weekly bible study group at work (but only those colleagues knew) pre-2007 in Australia. I wanted to know God more but I went overseas. Regardless of where I was, I looked for and attended church services. Those years gave me interesting insights to forms of worship and praises. In Asia/Africa/Europe - few friends (house mates mostly) knew I went to church almost weekly; or I watched the live webcast from a church in Notting Hill (London) when I had nowhere to go. I was very private about my (shaky) relationship with God. I rarely read the bible on my own. I knew the stories and several verses, but I forgot their contexts and where I read them. I did not understand the difference between church-going with heart and application, and without. I did not want to be labelled with people's understanding of "religious" and having a religion. I was/am not a follower of the (disappointing) systems as I understood. I was not going to pretend I was a Christian when I was not trying to be one, or not being a true Christian (as mentioned in Spiritual). I was not over the fence in the Christian side. I strongly thought fence-sitting (staying lukewarm, using religion only when it suited) was worse and hypocritical. So I chose to stand in the other side.

I do not mind being called a Christian now, though I still cringe internally when I hear the covert and overt attacks and sarcasms to what it signifies. I know the history, the current affairs, the understanding, the misuse, and the stigma, that comes with the label. They did not magically disappear from my consciousness. I still disagree with many applications of the bible teachings by other Christians, as they do me - serving our human purposes and own wills, instead of glorifying God. I am still wrestling with many verses I read in the bible. In selfishness/fear/pride/lack of understanding/weakened faith, I struggle with parts of the lifestyle Jesus fashioned. Patience. It will all take time. With help and guidance from God, understanding the Word, indwelling of the Holy Spirit, life experiences and fellowship. I jumped over the fence, and joined the throngs of people I berated and interrogated in the past. Receiving similar (plus more!) to what I gave, a serve of my own medicine, and some humble pie, ugh. It is a change that is impossible for people to go through alone. The wave against it is too strong, being counter-intuitive and counter-cultural. I at times miss my old private worship, it was quieter, but I would never go back to the same laissez-faire mentality. So I accept the noise/confrontation it brings. Life. All part of breaking the old to create the new - a concept we all understand. Believe me when I say it is breaking me for good (aka growth?). The relationship is also not only about breaking and suffering, or doom and gloom stuff. Not at all, as the blog "Assurance" showed. God is empowering and amazing. Be patient. These will be discussed in future posts, I'm sure.

Because of the (strong) mixed reactions, I wondered how I was in the past...!!!??! Why do/did they see me that way? Was I bad? Why do they think I am (not) that way? Did I still morph into the person I did not want to be? Why was it different to how I thought I was? How different was/am I? What external changes are they talking about??? Why am I bad now? Why are they treating me differently? Why all the questions?? If few people complained or made comments, it could be their personal issues. Some continued on with me as normal, some shook me up, some hurt, some insulted, some uncomfortable around me, and some avoided me. Life. With various levels of interaction and judgment from both side. When valued people in my life reacted, it is out of love and service that I should pay attention and evaluate. Those questions were asked because it was important to be self-aware. But not be self-focused, 

I struggle to explain this part, sounding like I don't care for the concerns of my important relationships whom do not agree/understand, because I most heartfully do. I hope you will know that I am still the same me that loves and cares and accept and is equal to you. I am transforming, but I am still the chaotic mess you love (or I hoped you  love, ;-)) heheheh). I am on a challenging journey focusing on God. Our (yours and mostly mine) concerns, complaints, fears, limitations, frustrations, desires, lack of understanding, plans, dreams, etc etc etc etchetera... are heard and wrestled with, but pushed aside as less important. God is important, not me. I won't spend time convincing you in this mind shift. Not yet, until I am more experienced to relate it better. It is not about you. It is not even about me, though it is my stories. I will need time and understanding to relate these too.

Still, naturally, I sought counsel from a friend, to ensure I was not losing the plot. Luckily this friend has the most insight as he knew me socially, personally, professionally, and spiritually, for more than a decade. He's seen and heard all the phases I went through. He knew and would tell me the truths. He said I always attracted people (and judgment) because of my nature, personality, looks and lifestyle. He talked of examples when people were intimidated by me and described me to him opposite to what he saw. I did not become bad and I was not bad. I pulled through the storms and matured from life experiences, so my decisions and actions reflect those wisdom/baggages I gained, but I maintained my values and character. I was always very spiritual, but I am more vocal now. In the past I only asked questions (opinionated), but now I am yielding (listening) and applying.