Right Kind Of Fear

Mid-afternoon. The temperature still hot after the rain. Sweat immediately formed on my brow and neck. Living in a village along the Amazon river in Para, Brazil.

My small group of 4 (two foreigners and two translators) were ready to go back to our “home” while in this small community. We finished our house visits on a good note – chatting, praying, and impromptu singing (to pass the time during the downpour, and because the grandmother in the house we took refuge in missed singing in church, but she was too old to walk to it now). We also finished 15 minutes earlier than we planned to head back.

We found out there was another house further along the track, but our local guide was hesitant to take us there. We were told the owner had a mean dog that bit people, and the path was dangerous and far. Those information, the weather, our tiredness with hunger, and the guide’s lack of enthusiasm would have been enough for us to turn back. The translator, Brew (not his real name), and I were afraid of dogs, especially mean ones that bit people. We both did not want to be bitten in the jungle where there was no access to rabies vaccines (I’m not protected)!! We did not want to die from it.

However, Brew and I felt we were still meant to go there. He also agreed that an impression of growing fear suddenly took over us. Different to gut instinct, it did not feel natural. It was heavy.... When we stepped out of the grandmother's house I noticed my left ankle suddenly felt weak with a slight throbbing pain. Weird since it had been over six months since I last felt pain on that injury! Someone prayed for my ankle and I believe I got healed (all pains disappeared in a couple of days). I took care of my steps still, but I mostly forgot the injury because my ankle felt strong.

The other two members of our team did not seem to notice anything different. One looked like he was asleep upright, a heavy feeling of sleep overcame him! Praying to God for discernment, I unsurely decided we were being attacked in the spiritual realm. God has never used fear to alter my behavior or values before. So I rebuked all the negatives that suddenly occurred in Jesus’ name.

I was braver (aka crazier) and more persuasive than Brew, so we decided to keep walking as safely as possible. We prayed as we walked single file and sang praise songs softly – myself second behind the local guide, Brew behind me.

similar to the bull mentioned...! :-)

Along the way I cried out when I suddenly felt a bite on my left ankle!! It was super painful, but I did not see what bit me!!??! There was no snake around us, thankfully! But what bit me!!??! Was it poisonous?? We saw giant ants earlier in the area (everywhere!), so I deduced (forced myself to believe) it must have been one of those ants. I refused to stop walking, though I cried inside. I fought the urge of fear or pain, and continued prayer walking.

Then the local guide in front of me stopped. Brew translated that the bull in front of us was known to be violent. Even though it was tied, the rope was long enough that the bull could still reach us if we decided to cross. I continued praying to God to help us in that situation. I declared loudly (enough to be heard by the person behind me) if Jesus wanted us to go forward He will make a way for us. If not, it meant Brew and I misheard His prompting and we would accept God correcting our course.

“When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.” - Psalm 56:3

A man appeared from the corner on the right side of the field. I looked back at Brew, and we smiled anxiously at each other. It wasn’t the owner, but he was able to hold on to the bull while we all rushed past. I felt more sure (but still unsure) that we were meant to go to the house at the end of the path (and that something was trying to stop us).

A sample of the wooden planks we walked on.

We walked the wooden planks zigzagging the jungle plants around us. As we got closer to the house, I felt the heaviness of our environment started lifting. The air felt… lighter (as in colour) and cleaner. I continued praising God but I had not forgotten a mean dog still waited for us, worried that it would bark and attack! Though I prayed for God to keep my ankle strong and my feet fast, there was not enough space on the wooden plank for me to run past Brew (ack, hahahah!!!) Unless I pushed him off the trail, which honestly, I considered!! ;-))))

My knees felt weak as we called out to the owner of the house from a distance, while I wildly scanned the area for any sign of animal!! By this time my imagination was going berserk, I thought chickens could also painfully attack!


“Jesus got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.  Jesus said to his disciples, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?” - Mark 4:39-40

The owner invited us in. The dog was caged (unseen). The translators spoke to the people in the house, introductions were exchanged as the owners showed us around their home. It was clean, well-maintained and beautiful.

While we lingered on the pier behind their house, Brew approached me and said he noticed a huge change in the environment. It was bright and welcoming! We were getting excited because our “antennas” were buzzing! We knew we just overcame an obstacle, and we were sent there specifically, but we still didn’t know why!

In constant prayer, I explained to Brew I believed we were meant to share the beatitudes. He did not know what the beatitudes were but he said he was thinking of people without parental/spiritual guidance; old people (like the widowed grandma we sang for), those whom were feeling isolated/hopeless. I smiled!! Could not contain my excitement as I showed him the beatitudes verses talked about those same groups of people!!

As time passed, we found out that the family were born-again Christians too. They actually prayed that we would visit their home that day! Brew and I felt emboldened to share the message we felt we were meant to pass on to them. As more details revealed, we confirmed with them were they felt they were being lead to step into leadership. Traditions in small villages such as these sometimes limit people to step into roles that were not given to them by persons of authority. We spoke about all of us being part of the body of Christ, all equally important. We spoke about the details for their next ministry. It was such an encouraging time for all of us. At the least for myself and Brew! We all prayed together, praised and thanked our amazing God, interceded for their community, and prayed for each other.

I was in tears as we walked home! I could not stop crying and smiling!! A truly unforgettable experience to be used so intimately, undeniably and strongly by God!!! I was speechless, and so grateful, for God teaching me the right kind of fear – to fear not my situations; but to walk in fear (also known as “in awe/reverence”) of the Lord!!

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” - Philippians 4:6-7

Postscript:

On our way out of the village, our boat stopped by this house. I don’t know why the local lady who was with us on the boat did it. Maybe she heard the story. She was looking at me funny the whole voyage. Anyway, I saw the dog on the pier. It was a mean-looking terrier or a bull mastiff. The team warned me when I jumped off our boat to the pier to hug goodbye the family. The dog was walking so calmly and relaxed. It looked friendly. The owners said it was friendly. But as I was stepping back into the boat, the dog started walking towards me. I heard people in the boat panicking, raised high-pitched voices, rushing me into the boat! I did not want to test fate!! I ran and jumped into the boat, then smiled at the owners sheepishly flustered, hahahah!

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for Lord you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” - Psalm 23:4

Petulant Helper

** Written end of April 2015.... Forgot to post or embarrassed to post? Originally titled "Supporting Cast"....**

I stayed away from my "home", known as ships base for a week, to avoid infecting everyone with my vomiting etc. I'll spare you the gory details, it was not pleasant. I went back yesterday, Friday afternoon, thinking it was Thursday, so I could work on Friday (Saturday!). Obviously I was told to rest until Monday. I was glad to have more rest. I felt foolish being at the base, confused about what was going on around me, and leaving again after a couple of hours.

Instead of crawling to bed while I waited for my friend to pick me up, an idea popped to my head to go to the main office below. To understand how illogically foolish this idea was, you have to imagine me with only about 5% ability to hold myself up. I was not in the mood to socialise. But the push to go there was super strong (I now call it the "Holy Spirit punch"). Illogically, I forced my feet to walk the two floors down.

I was in the office for about two minutes, but felt I was not meant to be in there. The conversation was awkward and strained. I gave an abrupt farewell.

While I held the door open as I stepped out, I saw a shape of a person sitting on the steps of the vacant lot next door. I "heard" a command in my thought to "Help her". My immediate reply was, "no Lord, bed for me now pleeease". Still, I closed the door looking at the person and worked out she was a woman. By then she was also looking at me.

I immediately asked her if she was okay. She said she was fine. I stared at her for more than 5 seconds (which was a very long time when the moment was awkward!). I felt too yuck for small talk, so I bluntly explained to her, "I was told to help you." She stayed silent.

I impatiently stated, "I'm Christian, and I heard God tell me to help you, and I don't know why!"!! (I looked back thinking wow, I must have sounded weird!! I used to avoid such people!! ACK!!?!)

I asked her if she prayed for something. Awkward silence again... until she explained she had six children and was pregnant again. She was drinking her coffee and sometimes because of birthing so many children she could not control her bladder. She accidentally peed on her pants, so she sat down to hide it. She felt helpless, embarrassed and may have prayed.

She needed a place to wash her pants. I took her to a bathroom within our base. While she washed she said she was surprised I knew she needed help. I half-heartedly told her how clearly God wanted to help her and how clearly God answered her prayers! How much God loves her. The lady was excited and I was unenthusiastic, too consumed by how sick I felt. I noticed my behaviour and repented. I prayed silently for God to guide her steps instead, because I did not know what else I was meant to do and I wanted to go to bed!!....

When she finished cleaning herself she asked me how she could communicate with me again. I informed her I was leaving in less than week, so she had limited time to get to know me. Almost as if telling her there was no point.... I was not rude, but I noticed the indifference in my attitude. Before I would pursue a chance to have a 10 minute conversation with a stranger about God. With her, I forgot I just repented for my behaviour towards her, because I was still shutting her down!! I had so little patience! :-((

She told me she needed to go and pick up her son at the pier close by. I pointed to her the exit, then the lady walked the opposite way! I did not stop her, allowing the Holy Spirit to lead, aware I prayed for God to lead her steps! When we reached the balcony, the lady was surprised to recognise the girl sitting there. They met during the girl's local outreach (volunteer work). They both spoke German, so they got reacquainted as they chatted in German, and made plans to meet again. I sat there until it was time for me to guide the lady out of the base.

Tiredly, I returned to the girl. She shared with me that when she was doing her outreach, she really struggled and did not want to be there too. So she prayed for God to show her what to do. She ended up sitting next to this lady and that was how they found out they both spoke German. As she sat at the balcony today, she prayed to God again about her struggle to be there. She was in the same mood when the same lady approached her, not willing to cooperate with God. I shared we were both unwilling to cooperate.

I asked her if she saw the lady while at the balcony. Where she sat was a clear view of where I met the lady. She admitted she was too busy telling God about her needs, she did not listen to hear from Him.

We perused that maybe God was working on our/her obedience. Maybe God was teaching her, to go and help the lady. God prompts, but He never forces us to do His will. When she didn't respond, my role was to connect them again, but supporting cast only, a backup plan in this story. It made sense because I was saying/thinking I did not understand why God would teach me the same lesson again when I hadn't forgotten it (click here to read about my hearing God). That understanding was why I ended up with the lady and eventually at the balcony in the first place.

I was only at base for a short time, yet even in my weakness and poor attitude, God let me serve and learn. I was grumbling, too much like Jonah. The lady represented my Ninevah. But God was bigger than my petulance. *embarrassed smirk* :-/

"This change of plans greatly upset Jonah, and he became very angry. So he complained to the Lord about it:..." (Jonah 4:1 NLT)

I also learned how important it is to sometimes shut up, and just listen. To hold on to God quietly, remaining in His presence, as He reveals our adventures.

God still prepared an enjoyable time for me afterwards; and a place to rest to get better for the weekend.

Northern Brazil and Big Island Hawaii

Reflecting on the 5 months of discipleship training, of intense spiritual journeys and lessons I had with our Lord and Saviour, I am filled with thankfulness and praise.

In this update I will share with you the realities of my struggles, the hard parts many missionaries do not admit in writing, because we may feel obliged to only report about the fun/joyous parts.... Hopefully this honesty will show that my faith in God - not my thirst for fun and adventures, and not any movie or book deals - has been the fuel for my passion and joy to continue following and serving Him in ALL circumstances….

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1. BRAZIL

My and my outreach team’s unity, resolve and dependence on God were tested from day one to finish!! As we all grew in Christ individually, we also leaned on each other to carry our weaknesses and share our strengths. God showed us how He perfectly placed us together for that season, to serve each other and others.

We flew and rode a bus to a base, next to the Amazon River, that’s making Jesus’ love and pursuit of us known along the rivers. It was almost, if not over, 50 hours of travel, plus a full day of us checked out of our rooms in the school after breakfast, already in transit for our almost midnight flight out of Hawaii, a rough start. I knew when we finally arrived in our home base in Brazil that I was with a great team! :-))

We faced mosquitoes, itchy/poisonous plants, snakes, spiders, hunger pangs, sicknesses, fungus, allergies, lice, wasp stings, staph infection, heatstroke, sunburns, incubation/growth of something unknown inside someone’s toe, diarrheas, stomach cramps, mysterious bites, lack of safe drinking water, and slept dirty because there was no water to clean ourselves. Normal for the communities we visited! My team reacted to it all with good humour, perseverance and spiritual maturity. :-)

We also faced fears of drowning, scary nights, crazy dreams, bad news, and sunken boats. The news of our boat in Hawaii capsizing in a storm, with crew friends hurt, and a friend lost at sea, was the hardest for many of us to deal with. In our grieving, anger, sadness, and disbelief; God was the true comforter of our souls.

I loved witnessing our individual changes – my team and the local staff (Brazilians and foreigners). We all faced confrontations with God as we were lovingly taught hard lessons of spiritual growth. We also had to grow up relationally; living in community with diverse cultures, generations and personalities. With Jesus being our motivation for everything, I still get teary-eyed remembering many inspiring and heartwarming situations where God’s wisdom/guidance, godly compassion, God’s love and inward transformations were clearly evident in us.

We loved people from all the communities. They welcomed us; shared meals, stories, and hugs; created things with them; studied together; lived with them; prayed for them; and prayed with them. We witnessed God’s presence in all of these communities. There was a lot of hardness and brokenness, physically and spiritually. We saw only glimpses, but in those moments, God continuously revealed Himself to the community and to us.

My biggest growth was learning to walk life obediently listening to the daily promptings of the Holy Spirit. An example, during one of our intercession prayers for a community, I heard in my mind, “Listen to me, and I will teach you fear of the Lord”. Though we were confident it came from God, I researched it against scriptures in the bible, which showed it was in Psalms 34 (underlined):


“Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in him. Fear the Lord, you his holy people, for those who fear him lack nothing. The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.
Come, my children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the Lord.”



(Psalm 34:8-11 NIV)



As I understood what it meant to live in power in truth and in spirit, I became more willing to let go of control to God. As I kept “getting weird” for God, more amazing events occurred. I saw physical and spiritual healings, divine appointments, and specific answers to undisclosed prayers/questions. There were many incidents where God gave me (and the translators) specific commands. I was always freaked out, especially when others were getting the same understanding, because I did not control their experiences to be like mine! Some instructions I understood and others not. There were times I disobeyed because I felt embarrassed or did not feel confident.

There was an incident, where I declared loudly to my group I did not want to obey God(!!) in stating the person’s sin, uncomfortable with disciplining someone instead of only loving that person. I was so freaked out I cried to God when we got back to base. God reminded me of hearing Proverbs 3:5-6, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths”. I told God I thought it was for the person I spoke to, so I related it. But it was actually an encouragement meant for me, before God gave me the message to pass on, that I was uncomfortable with.... Still disconsolate, because I did not understand, I prayed for clarity, God immediately gave me Ephesians 5:10-11 (see below, underlined). He quickly took away my confusion and comforted me. God refined me to better discern whether the message is for me only, for others, or for all.


“Carefully determine what pleases the Lord.
Take no part in the worthless deeds of evil and darkness; instead, expose them. It is shameful even to talk about the things that ungodly people do in secret. But their evil intentions will be exposed when the light shines on them, for the light makes everything visible. This is why it is said, “Awake, O sleeper, rise up from the dead,
and Christ will give you light”. “



(Ephesians 5:10-14 NLT)



God was always life-giving when He exposed information to me/us that were accurate, but I/we had no previous knowledge of. I was learning to be obedient in speaking it out courageously, as well as how to bring Christ’s light into it. God always reached out with love, even when we were being corrected, never with condemnation! Despite my limitations and hesitancy, the commands were always accurate! And God always had a “backup plan”, nothing failed because I didn’t respond. God is so much bigger than myself, thankfully. :-)))

My biggest struggles were the mosquitoes that never left me despite insect repellents(!!!); and my immunity issues that physically and mentally weakened me. This season in Brazil I faced the choice - to either hold on to God, or to give up on being a missionary because of my health. Each day, and most of the 24 hours, of my two months in Brazil, especially the last month - I kept running to God for comfort and strength, to deal with the mosquitoes and my skin!!

In those times of hardships, God kept showing me that I was never alone. I smiled each time He reminded me He is more relentless in pursuit of me than those mosquitoes!! :-)) Then I covered as much of my skin as possible, while trying to not sweat from the humidity and heat(!!), because my weak immunity allowed fungus to grow on my skin and head that I had to keep clean and dry with medication.

God also assured that He cared for me and I am (we are) part of the body of Christ. He surrounded me with Christ-following sisters and brothers whom cared well for me, prayed for me, and laughed at my predicament with me (for example, joked I could farm mushrooms on my neck!!). We had much fun as I/we swatted and growled (and sang) at the mosquitoes! :-))) The guys hiked nightly to bring a bucket of drinking water for me to bathe in, in communities where they had to use river water! I have many stories of God’s specific provisions, financially and physically and spiritually, enabling me to continue to relentlessly pursue His promptings!! For example, when I purchased medications after a hospital visit, someone from home/overseas responded to God’s prompting to send me a random love gift that was exactly the amount I spent, before I knew I needed it!

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2. USA

After outreach in Brazil, we went back to Hawaii in February for debrief and graduation. I believe I am not yet release from God’s command to go to Hawaii, so I stayed. I staffed as the assistant to the missionary training director until April. Then I spent a week with family and my godchild’s family in May before my visa ended. I am thankful for the opportunity to learn much as a staff member; as well as being able to spend time with family and friends, reconnecting and loving them after years of separation.

There were many things I struggled with in Hawaii, that at the end of reading this you'd wonder why I stayed!!??.... My simple answer is I believe God has not released me from His command to go to Kona.

I will explain below some of my realities in this "paradise islands"....

Hawaii evokes romance for many honeymooners and lovers. Its remoteness appeals to those who wants to get away from hectic life. A dream holiday destination for many. Or a retirement location. The place to be in (to chase) paradise on earth.... I explored Maui thoroughly in 2009, in case I wanted to move there, so I had a good grasp of the reality of Hawaii-living before I enrolled for the discipleship school last year (September 2014).

Hawaii has amazing sunsets; my favourite fruits (mangoes, papayas, coconuts, avocados!!); abundant flowers (frangipanis!!) to put on my hair; interesting national parks, and warm waters to swim/play in. I was/am thankful for these little joys. :-)

People imagined me in Hawaii amongst palm trees, on a hammock, watching awesome sunsets, with a love interest, lazing away with coconuts to drink. This only happened once during my birthday (December 2014, minus the coconut and the lover)! ;-)))

Hawaii is truly very remote. See the map below for scale. It is surrounded and separated by water, in the middle of nowhere on its own, and is very small!! For me, now, it literally is the "ends of the earth" (Acts 1:8).

As a natural explorer and adventure-seeker, with strong wanderlust, I felt claustrophobic after one month of being in the island!!! But I wasn't there to party!! I was there for three months to learn more about God and immerse myself in His presence, so I did. I rarely had time to enjoy the waters being so busy in school, unless I was willing to snorkel/swim at night alone! I didn't because it was unsafe, and I promised my mentor and her husband that I wouldn't do any of my crazy antics while I was away. :-))

Being well travelled, I know of many countries and locations where the appeal of Hawaii to lovers, retirees, recluse, dreamers, and water-babies could also be easily met in paradise! Places I much favoured that spoilt me and suited my personality and it'd be easy to go back to "normal life".

I also “risk” assessed (hahah!) that my likelihood of staying single here in Hawaii is “very/too high”. Believe me and the locals here, it is a myth that Hawaii is for lovers for people my age, unless you brought your boyfriend/husband with you already! ;-)) Ack! Pray with me on this one, please, hahah (I'm serious!). :-)))

Truth was I did not have many simple comforts I took for granted. I shared a small room with two bunk beds, with three women! I craved for my own space; a living room and a couch; a kitchen(!); space in the bar fridge; public and private transportation to “get away”; bible study fellowship; legal work so I can earn money (my visa does not permit work); Belgian hot chocolate drink; air-conditioning; and variety of activities in my weeks. Minor complaints I know *smirk* ;-) - easily resolved if I move to a share house with higher bills. Something I will definitely pursue for longer term mission. My "home" is part of my ministry. I would love to be able to host people and cook and care for them in fellowship. :-)

For the first time, I felt very homesick. I missed my family, my church and my friends. I missed the diverse foods, culture, and my lifestyle. I missed the fruitful ministries I was involved in back home. I missed having control of my finance. In Melbourne, I was “in my zone” and felt wonderfully thriving for God. My pride missed seeing the results of my work, and the effectiveness of my labours... :-(((.



“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”



(Matthew 11:28-30 ESV)




My peace of mind, conviction, contentment, and perseverance to stay despite all these lack comes from my growing faith and understanding of God’s character and His Father heart. In His great commission God confirmed with me “where” He wanted to send me (here in Kona). I didn’t know the “whys”, “how long for” and “what for”. But obedience is in following what I understood and trusting in faith that God will reveal more in His time., and He did. I can accept that God will not speak what’s next until I am done with what’s current. What’s important is I walk today and tomorrow faithfully and diligently in obedience and intimate relationship with God. :-)))

There are many ministries I could be (and am) involved in in Hawaii. There is much need for God’s workers worldwide. So it is important for me to be where God wanted to place me (despite my comfort levels and skills sets). When unsure, I accepted the opportunities available that activated my faith. But my focus was always in seeking to please God (obeying His commands) first, before myself, and others around me.

Currently, the ministries I felt pulled towards are staff development (growth in servant leadership, accountability and stewardship); to reach out to street people (homeless and various groups); and to physically/mentally challenged people. I know I could be involved in these ministries back home too, amongst many other options, as I tried to convince God to send me home. I was also aware that I need more theological foundation. But continuously He reminded me to not focus on my default to hard work; to not worry about my qualifications and educational achievements; to be still; and to let go of my fears. The triune God will faithfully provide all I need in His time, abundantly. He used my environments and situations, teaching me in apprenticeship, to grow me with immense awe of Him, to step out in wisdom of His truth and spirit. It might not meet my and people’s idea of standards and set expectations, but it really is enough. My confidence comes from tested and assured faith
in Him. I continue to grow much in Christ since eight months ago!  I love this wonderful journey God is walking me through! :-)))


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Preach the Word"I charge you in the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who is to judge the living and the dead, and by his appearing and his kingdom: preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patience and teaching. For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions, and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths. As for you, always be sober-minded, endure suffering, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry."


(2 Timothy 4:1-5 ESV)



End Note:

I will send an update about my stay here in Australia, etc, next month. I’m just very happy to be home. :-)))

Thank you for walking through this journey with God together with me. :-))

Please pray for me, and my people/places of trust, as we continue to serve God and pursue following His commands. I am in the process of buiding-up my structure for long-term mission. I am also home to continue my medical treatments/check-ups.

Broken

A few years ago I came across a picture of a broken vase that was pieced back together with gold. That pictured impressed upon me the beauty that could still be found in something broken. I thought the vase became more beautiful and more priceless. It was transformed into a thing of value, instead of being discarded useless.

Several months ago, a friend shared critical turning points in his life where pains were definitely being experienced. I recalled the vase and explained the art of repairing pottery with gold or silver lacquer. The same could happen for our heartaches, and our healing.

We could relate to feeling broken and not being valued - by others as well as by ourselves. We have memories of a person or people whom took us for granted and broke our hearts to pieces. Or we have made personal decisions that were harming us or detrimental to us.

Sometimes we learn from those experiences immediately and walk away. If we were a vase, we get chipped or one big piece gets broken.

Sometimes we stay in those experiences, so we continue to get chipped, and break more pieces.

At certain points we wish to be better. Life must be better than what we were enduring and experiencing!?!

We try to put our pieces back together. With glue, or with sticky tape, or bag them up together to fix later.

Yet, moving forward our lives continue breaking - big and small, intentionally and unintentionally. We reason that is what life is.

How do we fix those brokenness?? Can we really live life without fixing them?

Do we use tape? Do we buy a new vase and hide our broken pieces behind it? Do we continue on broken without any fixing? We could use glue (earthly things and natural support). Glue does work well in piecing things together, sometimes hiding the cracks, but there would always be areas where a space cannot be covered. I also think glued items no longer look/feel as good; and are no longer as strong and durable as pre-breaking. Fragile.

God is my master potter. He created me in His perfect image. I managed to not value that and broke my pieces. God does not want us/humanity to live alone in our brokenness. It breaks Him too to see us that way. To see us, His creation, trying to fix ourselves without Him, with glue at best. So he sent us Jesus.

Jesus is our gold repair. In having a personal relationship with Him, old glue/tape gets removed and our broken pieces gets realigned together with His gold. He fills up broken cracks of our lives were pieces went missing. We see our worth because of His mercy and love flowing along our breaking.

We continue to break ourselves being only human. We go back to old glue (habits). Maybe hard-headed that we don't need that (much) gold to be beautiful and to be worth-ful. Or treat the value of glue the same as gold. Foolishness.

If you've been piecing yourself with glue, that's great. I commend you for taking positive care of your life. I know it is your right to choose which to use - glue, gold, etc :-).

Allow me to hope and pray that you will have an open heart and open mind to consider piecing yourself together, with solid foundation, gold refined by fire, through the help of Jesus.

But now, O Lord, you are our Father; we are the clay, and you are our potter; we are all the work of your hand. - Isaiah 64:8

You say, ‘I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.’ But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see. - Revelation 3:17-18 

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. - Psalm 34:18

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. - Psalm 147:3

Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." - John 14:6 

Baptismal First Anniversary

It's been a year since I was baptised as a born-again Christian - 14 April 2013. This weekend was spent reflecting a lot on the events since then, my current situations, and wonderment for my year ahead.

I love and fear and worship God. My relationship with Jesus continues to mature. My understanding and relationship with the Holy Spirit (aka Spirit of God) has also opened up and is developing. My Bible is my favourite book for my Christ-centred life's questions and journeys. My prayer life is... amazing! I always felt embarrassed to pray outwardly, not sure if I'd ever get over that shyness and awkwardness. But private conversations with God, especially when... I can best describe as "being in the presence of the Trinity", is always overwhelmingly and abundantly filled with love, despite pains and rebukes, or needs of comfort.

Life is very blessed, many things to be thankful for. However, at the moment it is not easy. I'm even dealing with three very serious matters currently, with various affects to myself. Or, six to eight issues, if I include the resulting secondary effects I could think of that I also have to keep a handle of. Physically and/or naturally I am not coping as well as I thought I could - (near) tears regardless of time and location, anxieties, shakes/wobblies, self-denial, disbelief, dread, grief, tightness of chest, headaches, difficulty breathing, staring blankly into space, tiredness, lost of appetite, lack of sleep, and/or only want to sleep. All conditions are very frustrating because uncontrollable(!!!) human reactions I want to move on from, but they linger asking for attention and time. Spiritually, however, I really am otherwise happy and at peace with the fact that I know that God is in control, so I keep my focus on the Lord.

Despite those distractions and my state of affairs I am ready, willing to trust, and obeying, to continuously pass on His blessings to others, including to my adversaries. It is harder to give blessings to someone who wronged me though, not because I do not want to share, but because he/she do not want or do not trust to accept it. Or just hostile towards me. Also, to ensure my safety and wellbeing, God's blessings for them cannot come directly from me at the moment. God's using others, He is always pursuing us for our salvation. So, although I have to keep myself out of harm's way now, and go through the natural processes, I pray my adversary/ies will not be excluded from God's love/care by people around us, and that he/she will seek Jesus. I'm hoping people will reflect good grace to him/her against... bad.

IF(!) it is God's will, I will accept everything in gladness. I will explain the "IF" later, when I post disapprovingly about being on "cruise control", which is a rebuke that will also definitely apply to me.

How do I envision my year ahead? I do not know at the moment. Two of the serious matters will determine largely my path forward. Focusing on not just overcoming or surviving - instead excelling and/or winning each race or challenge - by ensuring that my motivations, inspirations, decisions and reactions are aligned to Kingdom living and values.

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I attached below a copy of my testimony last year:

I too experienced heartaches, neglects and disappointments. The hardest were my brother's death and when I held on to relationship with men whom I thought were godly and good. Still, my life was significant, fulfilled and blessed – good health and fitness; travels; work; great colleagues; supportive though worried family; and protective and encouraging friends.

My relationship with God was distant and one-sided. I really didn’t know Him, but I knew He was always there for me. As a child I was awkward, unsure, incapable and not confident. But knowing that God had my back even when he was testing me, disciplining me, or reprimanding me assured me to to move forward through the challenges even when I failed; and I gained confidence. I knew God loved me, and took care of me even when I disregarded Him. Years later, I became me… like a bullet train… unstoppable!

So what happened? Why change when life was great and even go through a baptism, especially when I didn’t care for it before…?

I had an unpleasant conversation with 3 missionary friends in Jerusalem in August 2010. I found out I had what I called a “Jesus Block”. I didn't want to pray to anyone else but God. So I didn’t worship Jesus even though I believed in Him, then I couldn’t have been a Christian. My going to church was therefore confused, because it seemed Christians always mentioned and worshipped Jesus more than God…??!! I didn’t want to pray to anyone else but God! I didn’t want to do things just because I learned to. I was confronted to “unlearn” and start from scratch.

I did that by speaking to God and I listened, which I wasn't really doing before. I got into the habit of reading my bible (and other books, just in case God was elsewhere). I searched for a healthy church and found [name omitted for privacy, thanks for the heads up G!]. I attended courses like Alpha to shake the foundations of my beliefs, Life Worth Living and Jesus Lifestyles to understand what being a true Christian means. I discussed the bible and attended several Christian and non-Christian events for perspectives; and sought discipleship. Within all that I changed. Instead of just words or an idea – the Trinity of God/Jesus/Holy Spirit started to make sense. It was clear.

Now, as I wrestle through many things and the order of my priorities and passions changed, I still continue to feel much release and joy and peace. I haven’t forgotten the problems around me. I still go through concerns, struggles and desires/wants/needs. But I have confidence that is more than from myself. There’s a part where me ends and God takes over. Psalm 23 was the answer to prayers on how to explain my relationship with God.

Shortened it says, “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want…. He leads me… He refreshes my soul… He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake…. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil, for you are with me… comfort me…. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”

God leads me. I always run ahead curious, willing and (un)knowing. I always have to press my brakes and look back, to see where I am and where He is. I keep on chasing, investigating, loving, experiencing, living life. I lose sight of God, I look for Him, and I head back (or walk forward) to be in His presence. We walk closely together again. He let's me move ahead confidently.... He leads me that way.

That’s why I am publicly declaring my devotion to be a witness for Christ and to accept in faith the transformation and the call to Kingdom living and values; and committing my life to His cause.