On The Eight Day I Rested

... after cleaning the kitchen and the living room, mopping (to vacuum later because people were still asleep in the house), wiping clean tables and tops, doing a load of laundry, showering, and hanging the washing.

By 9.30am I was finished and relaxing with my breakfast next to me (milk and muffin). Started and finished my homework for tonight's class (2 hours work), while picking on my breakfast plus yoghurt and organising lunch with a friend who just arrived back from Italy.

Listened to music - Norah Jones and Jack Johnson - both has a way of soothing me and relaxing me with their voices and/or their songs. Tried to journal (failed), replied to messages and tried to sort out more appointments. Looked at my bed, so inviting. Got dressed to go out instead.

Now 12.30pm. Lunchtime. Resting on the kitchen table while I write this post, waiting for my friend so we could eat lunch outside together, before she rushes off to work. I'm looking out the window and the weather does not look good, at all! But we will pursue, because quality friendship time is intentional, deliberate and important. Plus we both wanted to take it easy, as well as try out the cafe we found out we were both eyeing. :-)

And we are off!

I will rest after meals. Will vacuum the house when alone later. Will nap after, or read a book, maybe. To meet with two friends for conversations at 6pm. Then walk to my 7pm night class with a lot of women. Hopefully home to rest by 10pm, if not detoured.

(Took today off.)

Water Dreams

 I noticed I rarely dreamt this year. So when I do I remember them.

Two that stood out were dreams where water was the main theme.

First Dream:

I was the watcher. I thought I was looking at a painting of a European-looking seaside town. Van Gogh style, with a lot of brilliant blues, gold, violets, light pinks, and white/silver.

I became part of the painting. From the sea, I looked towards two ladies standing on a bridge. The waves crashed continously in front me beautifully, one after the other. One lady encouraged the other to run along the waves with her. Few words heard, but I understood in this place there was a wonderful phenomena where, if perfectly timed, one could be in front of the waves from the left side of the town/painting to the right.

Suddenly I was in town, looking at the pinkish sky and waves (can't remember the colour/s, maybe only blue). I was attracted to movement from the left corner of my eyes. The women were there. I could feel the excitement of the two ladies as they entered the sea. I think they waded between ankle-deep to hip-deep water.

A huge ten-storey wave started forming. I heard laughing screams from the two ladies as side-by-side (not holding hands) they started running ahead (from the left to the right of the “screen”). The multi-coloured wave towered then crashed inches behind them. More gleeful sounds. Instead of being sucked back into the wave, the water raised to hip level and gently pushed them forward. Another wave formed. Just as tall, if not bigger. The ladies started running again, having so much fun. Waves after waves crashed from behind as they walked/ran forward. The ladies were never scared, confidently moving and enjoying each other’s company. The whole scene looked amazing with all the colours mixing and forming. Their fun spirit uncontrollably infectious. This continued until they were back to the end of town.

I can’t remember if they wanted to do it again. I wouldn’t be surprised if they did. I wanted to join them.

I think I was the lady that encouraged the other.

Second Dream:

I was watching, again. The main/only characters appeared to be a father and daughter, or a man and woman. I think I was the female, while being the watcher.

I don't remember colour/s. It was more grayscale. Black/brown/gray/white. Plain.

The situation was not very clear. I just knew that there was a threat of flooding, or mudslide, or some dangerous combination of both. The female was allowing the male to take control.

Instead of running away from and escaping the crises as far away as possible, they lingered. The male appeared to avert each storm with just enough reaction. I did not receive an impression about the man, only saw his actions and absolute calm. The female did not understand and felt slightly anxious, but she allowed the male to decide, take control, protect and lead. She trusted and kept calm. It was a really nice relationship to watch.

Certain streets would flood and they’d both just avoid it, or be around the corner from it. I would see it moving towards them (while on foot or on a motorbike) as they departed. They’d climb to the upper floors of a building as the flood grew higher. But they didn’t rush to the top floor, never going higher than necessary. Just enough. Always it was comfortably enough.

It felt like they, and I, were simply living the experiences and the storms. They trusted enough that all will be fine despite the pressing dangers.

I think I was with God, and/or with a partner.

Side note:

Both dreams occurred after I deliberately prayed while I mused on life deeply before sleeping.

Top Tens - Winter 2013

Mid-winter. Not truly TOP ten. More the first ten that I can remember. Actually 11 this season.... Why not :-).
**A lot copied and/or moved around from previous list.

Ten Things I Love/Appreciate

1. Soon it will be SPRING! Not wishing time away, but I will love the season to come early, please.

2. Scheduled days off paid work. Much better than pushing myself ragged and calling in sick.

3. Prescious time to bond with godchild and her mother.

4. I would like to be somewhere quiet, away from my other preoccupations, and write.

5. My natural inclination to still be active, no matter how tired, even if only for a short walk, especially if with someone.

6. My new 8 pairs of shoes. Only "need" 2 of them. It doesn't make sense buying them when I am cutting down my possessions. But I really appreciate (love!) them. Thankfully one was a gift! I didn't spend much which made the impulse purchase easier to accept. Woohoo! ;-)

7. The tension I feel when about to make a life-changing (self-benefiting) decision, with the desire to please God stronger. I'm still making decisions benefiting me, but I love the wisdom in how I am tackling issues/considerations with the focus less on self-more reasons. Trusting/Hoping God is taking lead. Inner peace is constant, despite some reactive hyper-ventilation - more a sign of excitement that (good or bad) change is coming! :-)

8. I still appreciate the opportunities I will soon be given to prepare for my next adventures. I'm waiting to become an apprentice, to be more exposed to Godly missions.
9. I still actually really appreciate the confrontations I face with myself as I try to apply the Kingdom living and values into my decisions and actions. 

10. I am still grateful that (most) friends know that my relationship and love for them will not change to less just because I turned "Jesus". It will break my heart if any of you think I will see/treat you with less love, or unequal or unacceptable. :-((( .... My love has actually even increased!! Not out of pity, piety, or duty! But overflowing from increased awareness of how much God loves all of us, regardless.

11. I still appreciate the challenge of "letting go of stuff". Material things, and emotional. Filtering what's important and true/honest. This is also very hard, making me face fully some harsh and confronting issues. I want/need to face them, for my own good and to be better. It is great for healing and restoration/rejuvenation, which I love. ♥♥

Ten Things I Miss/Dislike

1. I really would rather write about 20 other current topics buzzing within me, instead of this, truth be told. There were as many others I gave up writing about coz the "moments were lost". Would really love to have more time to play with writing. To be less restrained and hindered in my expressions. To trial, error and success. Allowing my creativity to take forms without or with much less inhibitions. If only I didn't have to work, or eat, or travel, or relate, or sleep. *smiling sarcastically*

2. Winter. I used to enjoy it, but I've been quite grumpy this season with the coldness and wetness together. I am currently only capable of dealing with one or the other.

3. Feeling sooo unrested. I haven't been back 24-hours from warmer and sunny Queensland where I slowed down and rested, but already I long for another break! :-(

4. Busyness. Do-not-like! I slept 2am Saturday, woke up 6.30am, plane arrived 1pm Sunday. I had to rush to 3 meetings and a date. All of them deemed necessary (could not be rescheduled). I was crashing and running on empty after dinner. I didn't have energy to speak to people at home. Around 9pm I crashed on top of my bed, did not make it inside my blanket (but kinda deliberate coz I didn't want to lie on it without showering). I thought I was just resting, then I opened my eyes and it was already 12.30am. I feel knocked out still, but it's 4am now and I am doing a lot of "catch-up"... stuff.

5. Missing exercise. I didn't do any for a week, except for the little walks to and from shops, restaurants and transport. Had a much-liked lazy rest.

6. Restful, longer than 5 hours sleep. I miss it.

7. Miss relaxing/nice, strong, long, full-body (head-to-toe) sports massage with scented oils. I haven't been satisfied of getting all five criteria in one session this year. :-(

8. I still dislike how messy my room table and drawers and floor gets...!

9. I still miss the beach, with warm water and sunsets.

10. I still dislike losing the little confidence I have in driving. I haven't driven for years. I'm pretty sure I've lost the little skills I had.... ugh. 

11. White lies or not being fully honest troubles me. Others and mine (but I am very intentional in being honest, as far as I am aware).... Talked about this a lot with friends.  All/most agrees it causes or plants pain/negativity into relationships, but all/most continues to casually practice it, mainly for self-protection/promotion. If it is obviously not good, why do it? WHY!!!??? :-/

Ten Wishes/Prayers *** Third season,still pretty much the same...! :-)

1. To wait patiently on God. Hebrews 11:8.
2. Ankle (and leg burn) to heal well and fully. Also please no flu this fall/winter!
3. To have (undeniable) clarity on what to do next. I think I know medium-term what I am learning, doing, and preparing for.

4. To not be lead by my own plans/fears/insecurities/over-confidence. Psalm 23.
5. To have (undeniable) clarity on where to go to next. I think I already know.
6. Courage (I have, because I trust.)
7. Submission (I do, because I follow with trust.)
8. For the last (biz) issue with old partner to be fully finalised this year instead of in 4 years! No negativity, but I would really like to no longer have to deal with him and not participate in keeping the (biz) issue away from his new partner. Peace of mind and complete closure would be nice.
9. To not under-perform and to be a peacemaker at work. smoothening office issues and politics.
10. That opportunities keeps coming and presenting itself; and that I respond rightly/appropriately.

11. For new relationship to be God-inspired.

The (Non-)Challenge of Eating on $1.50 Daily in a Richer Country

I spent $3 to buy all of these. The most expensive were the bananas for $1 a kilo. The rest cost $2. 

It made me wonder, will it really be hard for me to live on $1.50 a day? 

I hear people discuss this every so often, in my first world country. It is not a new concept. I tested living on $7 a week for 4 weeks when I was single between high school and university, more than 15 years ago. I found it easy then.

I believe, I will still find it easy now.

I say this with reflections to my "researches", when I explored countries considered poorer than where I am blessed to reside. I liked going to local markets and supermarkets. I liked finding out how much basic necessities cost like toiletries, spices, food oil, fruits, grains, meats and vegetables. Sometimes they were hard to find, so if I got to befriend the cooks/chefs in restaurants or in the streets, I ask them about prices of onions and eggs or pepper and salt.

I found out that:

• in many less-affluent countries toiletries such as toothpaste, shampoo, conditioner, and luxury goods; such as shaving creams, sunscreen lotion, and shower gels are more expensive than in my home country; or the sold for almost the same price. [I know, these are not food, but still amazes me that it is so.]
• fruits and vegetables fluctuate in price comparisons - sometimes cheaper, sometimes similar to normal prices or sale prices back home (see photo above), and sometimes shockingly expensive.
• the difference is in the quality - as in freshness, packaging and sizes.
• poultry and fishes were usually cheaper or similar to sale (only) prices, but the quality again varied.
• food seems cheaper compared to home because the mark-up is much less when sold in restaurants (labour costs, insurances, bills, etc) or because we look at it from the perspective of our budgets (e.g. salary per hour), not the budget/living standards of the people who were living there.
• we are spoilt for choice with foods coming from various countries to our (super)markets DAILY.
• foods/goods are moved faster and delivered to us packaged, frozen and fresh; whilst other countries do not have the infrastructure nor the storage facilities to accommodate such spoils.
• I don't recall ever seeing "half-price" to practically giving away sales; foods were always paid at market or bargained prices.
• I never survived on spending only $1.50 a day on my meals while I travelled. Was I charged foreigner prices? Not every meal, yet at mimimum I spent $5 per day. However, I rarely cooked my own food.

A lot of people say it will be cheaper and easier to live in poorer countries. Granted, there is a lot of truth to it. There are great benefits of lower living costs such as accommodation, healthcare, transportation,etc. But I am specifically musing over the topic of food costs in this post. It isn't hard to eat cheaper in richer countries. Most people instead don't notice or pay attention to it. The beauty of being able to afford. We can enjoy the the quality of our food, in abundance. We want and enjoy the freedom to choose how to satisfy our hunger - cheaply to ridiculously. We want to be able to eat out. Those are the spoils and luxury, we have no strong need nor care to let go.

I became painfully aware that the majority of people who were "middle-to-low-income-earners" living in those countries, were sometimes paying the same amount or more for goods/foods we take for granted. But first-world-low-income-earners are earning much more than them. Hence why we love the fact that we get so much for our dollar in many countries, and take advantage of it during our travels.

In my home country where food is generally expensive, people would assume spending $1.50 on food daily is impossible. It is absolutely, if bought daily. One could afford one meal a day, but not three main meals. But with an equal budget for a week ($10.50) on hand, this is very easy. A monthly budget could allow one to laugh through the experience. Staples like pasta, potatoes, bread or rice could be bought in bulk enough for weeks, and they are always on sale. Premium beef mince was being sold for $3.50 per kilo (half-price) when I passed the meat section just before closing time. A dozen huge eggs could be purchased for $4.00 in the supermarket, cheaper elsewhere, and even cheaper when on sale.

There is huge variety of choices and oversupply to choose from. There are constantly sales in the markets and supermarkets. A lot of times they are practically giving food away [side note, I know of places that provides unlimited free healthy/delicious breakfasts and lunches; and some including free dinners]. We may not eat our favourites and indulgences, or we may have to wait for the opportunities when they go on sale, but we will still eat well in comparison. We may not eat balanced and healthy all the time, but we will still survive very well. The portions we eat may be smaller, but I doubt we will become under-nourished.
 
To see how it is in other countries.... click here.... For them it is much much tougher. But we know that already.... :-/

Answered Prayers

I always joke, "be careful what you pray for (because you just might get it)".

This is true in my case, all my life, as far as I can remember. Well, not all the time, because I have different levels of prayers, and I don't see all the results. Sometimes I pray to God on the run and/or I'm very distracted that I don't even finish the sentences in my head (I call them bullet point conversations). Sometimes I couldn't even "talk", I just felt my emotions, in His presence. Other times I only questioned. There were times when I prayed randomly/specifically/on request for people/events/places. Other times I made requests/pleaded/lamented/demanded.

I noticed those intentional prayers where I knew/felt both my mind and my heart spoke it, when I really asked for guidance, wisdom, clarity, clues, help... were answered. I was shocked time and time again that I received an immediate reply!! Some answers were subtle but obvious, and as I walked into them, were confirmed. Other answers were strong and "in my face" that I was either challenged or empowered to take them on!

I always questioned those "answers". I looked at the source (people, readings, experiences, lightbulb moments, etc) and I examined my reactions. I analysed my emotions, interests and motivations. I also prayed even more. Especially for those that really freaked me out, hahahah!

.... It has been more interesting lately, because people (individuals) are witnessing or experiencing the same things with me. We discussed the hearts of what we wanted to pray for and immediately, at times within minutes, we got the reply! Really amazing!

Now, we are very grateful, and nervously laughing. We take our "deep, heartful requests" very seriously!

We are becoming careful of what we pray for, because we keep receiving them! :-)

******

.... Because of above, I am scared to pray this prayer wholeheartedly from Psalm139, hahahah, ack! I want to, but I'm scared to, hahahah ugh. I'm anxious of what will happen if I specifically tell God to test me. I think I can handle giving Him free/full reign to lead me. However, though they are linked, I am not quite ready to confront all my ways that are offensive to Him. Just in case God really takes me on my challenge!!??! :-)

Search me, O God, and know my heart!
    Try me and know my thoughts!

And see if there be any grievous way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting!

Brother

Today we are celebrating my brother's birthday.

I want to give him something, but I don't know what.... I'm gonna take the easy way out and hand him cash in an envelope.

But that's not enough. It does not communicate how much I love him. He knows because I tell him every chance I could. That, too, is still not enough.

He is a very private and very quiet man, so I will not share much.

I am thankful for his presence in my life. He does not ask much, yet so generous of anything he can give. He does not say much, but he thinks and cares for us - burdened with love/worry for (five, but mostly) four women in his family who are too free-spirited, (non)emotional, and flighty (direction-less?).

Even though we were only 3 years apart in age, and we fought as kids, he has been the figure of what a father could be to me, but still acting only as a brother, with distance/space and, a gentle and wise heart.

My girl friends from my teens love him. We used to look for him in parties and clubs, because just seeing/knowing he was present in those venues made us younglings feel safe. I was proud of him, but I don't remember telling him then :-/.

I miss sharing his clothes. I was a tomboy growing up, so every so often I'd see him wearing my shirt etc, but mostly I was taking his, hahahah. Occasionally, I still check out his shirts, wondering if he could hand-them-down to me :-).

In high school, he taught me how to be aware of my surroundings and how to assess situations. I thought I didn't pay much attention, but surprisingly the lessons stuck. I'm sure a lot of my risk assessment skills came from him. I was in tense situations, at work and while travelling, and those intelligent skills he passed on were used many times. Sometimes I'd see the "moves/decisions" in action/political movies, and I'd automatically think, "hah, my brother would be like that" or "my brother said that!".

Now we are older, trying to make sense and add meaning to our lives. I know the responsibilities he has assumed on himself being now the eldest son. I take advantage of being youngest/r. I cannot change my personality and how I embrace life. I would always worry him. I wish he doesn't, because my other sisters and mom are a handful too as we live amok. But I am touched and warmed by his love, so I welcome it.

I am thankful he has been blessed with a great family. I love his wife (and her family) and his children. I see his soul and his qualities in the kids. Coupled with his wife's, and their guidance, I know the kids will be great adults.

Thank you for being you, quirks and all. I appreciate everything you've done for me and will do for me. I love you so very very very much. None of my actions nor words could ever express it enough. But I will try.

Happy birthday Dihya.

Big Hearts

Someone asked me, what kind of friends do I have.

What kind of friends are in my close circle.

I didn't know how to answer....

They are very varied.

Some nice. Some comes across not.

Some intelligent. Some come across not.

Some successful. Some come across not.

Some rude/blunt. Some not.

Some generous. Some not.

Some private. Some social. Some in between.

Opposites. Polar opposites.

Different ages.

Different personalities.

Different interests.

Different lifestyles.

Different expressions of selves.

All kind.

All loving.

All giving (to me).

BIG HEARTS.

Too Honest?

I was stumped today when a male friend asked me, "why do women I date always seem to mention whenever another man compliments them or when other guys notice them?"!!

This question stung because I (used to) (still) do the same. It is especially worrying because it made me think about how I am in the dating scene too, which I just entered into this month...(!!!!).

He explained to me how the girl he is seeing mentioned to him men telling her she is beautiful, etc. I told him I also do not understand women (we are such complex beings), but I could share with him how I was(am?) in my relationships, AND how I have seen some women reacted. A quick non-exhaustive list created was:

• To show she was still in the market
• That he was not the only one after her
• Less self-confidence so she sought words of affirmation, even if she had to declare them herself
• She really did not understand what she was doing

"Even if she was telling me??", was his reply.

I was so uncomfortable because I knew I was the same - a multiple offender, a recidivist - but he needed me to explain, so I took a deep breath (and now I'm also blogging it, ack!)....


- When I was with my decade plus partner, I told him EVERYTHING! I had no secrets except for work related confidential information. He knew when men and women were making a move on me; when the compliments were not platonic or not pure-friendly; despite knowing I was not single; and them being in our social network. My man knew exactly where he stood, the others could not "put one over him". I did them with innocence, devotion, love, and pure loyalty.

- Experiences of men's betrayal, mistrust, disrespect and infidelity later, while still in the relationship (uuugggh)... I remember mentioning other men's compliments in a fight at least once (coz he told me other women were dying to be in my place in his heart *rolled my eyes then and now*).... But generally I didn't need to say it, as he knew.... I remember giving my boyfriend's number instead of mine so he would receive the calls/text messages (this was nasty but fun). My actions were spiteful, hurt reaction, and childish.

- Single again, while still broken, anything went coz my headspace was dark and messy.  At times I needed the compliments, other times I was angry of the lip service. I was erratic. I learned when I allowed myself to be treated less, the damage went too deep. It took a looong time to recuperate emotionally and psychologically, regardless of how willingly, wilfully and honestly I faced the truths.

- Single still, now healed (I hope!), I personally do not like making my future partner jealous. It is a nasty feeling I do not want to inflict on someone I choose to spend my life with.

My problem is, being a truthsayer, or a lifeteller. I do honestly and vocally acknowledge that I get a lot of compliments. I am always saying, "thank you" whenever I hear anything remotely close to a compliment expressed to me. Or smiling simply/mischievously/embarrased. I can easily come across arrogant, when in reality, I think it would be more arrogant for me to pretend I do not know. How could I not know when I heard it all/most my life???!!!! I am not a quiet personality, so I cannot pretend to react introvertedly. I would rather be thankful and move on. No song and dance required, but maybe jokes, coz I do use humour a lot in my expressions.

However, new people and dates do not know me. My confidence that was attractive at the start, could easily transform to be thought of as irritating and boastful. People/dates do not know that I am as willing to talk about my failures just as animatedly as my successes. My ugliness as much as my beauty. It is who I am, however I am, and the woman I (will always) love and nurture. They just have to ask... and be willing to know/understand.

I don't really know how to deal with this. I cannot please everyone. I don't want to. I just hope (and pray) the right man will perceive me accurately and accept me as I am. :-)



My friend said:
- If for example, I was your boyfriend, I wouldn't want to know. I already know you are beautiful and men will always make a move on you. It will make me angry to hear about them all the time. (POINT TAKEN, ouch!)

I asked:
- If she was telling you compliments coming from (straight) women, will you be as affected?
- Is the issue in her telling you (arrogant) or the fact it came from men (competition)?
- Did you tell her how you feel?

I told my friend he should try to find out where her intention is coming from - from good or from bad?

Then he should discuss it with his lady. The issue I see here is not in the telling nor in the honesty, but in how they will both resolve this conflict. It is in how they communicate, accept and resolve their differences that will make a difference. That is what's most important.

Out of Touch

I feel quite out of touch with writing at the moment.

I won't wish for more time than 24 hours, because I know I will fill it up with many more "to-dos", instead of writing (or learning to write). Guaranteed burnout.

I am also very distracted. With many other tasks to do. Plus meetings and multi-tasking. Showering, food-shopping/cooking, washing clothes, etchetera are such a bother! ;-) I haven't had a chance to sit still or do nothing for longer than 1 hour, aside from sleep. Knocked out.

I made up for recording reflections by posting snippets in a social profile. But I prefered to delete them after a while... so it was really not the best place.... But some information I deemed private, not privvy for "open viewing".... I really need to work out how to balance private and online life.... I think I am comfortable to be more online now.... But changes won't be introduced until 2014, until I confirm the conclusion of various considerations....

++++++++++++++++++++++++

This month was mostly used spending time with people - the ones/groups I lost touch with; needed/wanted  to keep in touch with; and was newly in touch with. I value many people and relationships in my life. I have the ones I love "set in stone".... Those who are new but I could tell would hold special places in my heart/life.... Those who comes in and out, and they are okay too :-).

Focusing on people could be just as tiring as focusing on tasks. They are sometimes more time consuming, and sometimes more draining. Most times, they are blurred. Dangerous I think, because we start to believe doing something, for them or with them, is enough. But we forget that doing nothing with them is just as important. Take the time to get to know each other ONLY instead. Enjoying the conversations, giving full attention to our company. Doing something, with and for, only because they cannot be avoided.

Need to stop rushing through tasks. Need to stop rushing through people.


(* No time to elaborate. This will have to do... :-/....)

Top Tens - Autumn/Fall 2013

End of the month. Autumn April's almost over... the first of our Fall season. Here's my top tens... :-)

Ten Things I Love/Appreciate

1. Restful, longer than 5 hours sleep.

2. Still feeling at peace with willingness to give up work (despite loving it and the security).

3. SBS (Special Broadcasting Service) shows, documentaries and films - now accessible online. So good! 
4. Still haven't purchased anything new, though my one-year challenge to not purchase "stuff" ended this year. I noticed I have a lot of beauty products though - body lotions, toothbrushes (collected from Vietnam hotels, hahahah), toothpastes, hair gels, eye shadows, nail polishes and lipsticks. A few collected like the toothbrushes, some given, a lot were freebies from events/places attended. I decided to give them away or use them all before purchasing another.
5. My baptism.
6. Seeing representatives of my friends (outside and within church), colleagues and family all-together for the first time in one location, as they supported/celebrated my baptism with me. I'm very appreciative, thank you.
7. I appreciate the opportunities I will soon be given to prepare for my next adventures. I'm waiting to become an apprentice, to be more exposed to Godly missions.
8. I actually really appreciate the confrontations I face with myself as I try to apply the Kingdom living and values into my decisions and actions.
9. I am grateful that (most) friends know that my relationship and love for them will not change to less just because I turned "Jesus". It will break my heart if any of you think I will see/treat you with less love, or unequal or unacceptable. :-((( .... My love has actually even increased!! Not out of pity, piety, or duty! But overflowing from increased awareness of how much God loves all of us, regardless.

10. I appreciate the challenge of "letting go of stuff". Material things, and emotional. Filtering what's important and true/honest. This is also very hard, making me face fully some harsh and confronting issues. I want/need to face them, for my own good and to be better. It is great for healing and restoration/rejuvenation, which I love. ♥♥

Ten Things I Miss/Dislike

1. I dislike flu vaccinations. Uuuuggghh! I had my injection today. My arm is sore and heavy. My body feels ill.... :-(((
2. I don't like feeling unwell. Hot cold hot cold.
3. I miss being active without much restrictions. I don't feel unhealthy. I'm unfit but I don't feel gluggy. I just miss how it boosts my mood and gives me doses of endorphins.
4. I dislike my ankle losing flexibility, and my stand/walk being unstable. Keep an eye out for my "airplane" moves when I feel like I'm falling... ;-)... ack! :-/
5. I didn't like not achieving/acquiring my online TEFL certificate. I have accepted why I had to push it aside, not following my agenda. Naturally, I feel like I failed. But bigger picture, it is so clear where I am being lead. I also know I will teach English as a foreign language, in God's time.
6. I dislike feeling cold. I know I prefer heat. If only I could hibernate and wake up when the weather is warmer again.

7. I dislike how messy my room table and drawers and floor gets...!

8. I would dislike to be somewhere quiet, away from my other preoccupations, and write.

9. I miss the beach, with warm water and sunsets.

10. I dislike losing the little confidence I have in driving. I haven't driven for years. I'm pretty sure I've lost the little skills I had.... ugh.

Ten Wishes/Prayers ** All pretty much the same...! :-)

1. To wait patiently on God. Hebrews 11:8.
2. Ankle (and leg burn) to heal well and fully. Also please no flu this fall/winter!
3. To have (undeniable) clarity on what to do next. I think I know medium-term what I am learning, doing, and preparing for.

4. To not be lead by my own plans/fears/insecurities/over-confidence. Psalm 23.
5. To have (undeniable) clarity on where to go to next. I think I already know.
6. Courage (I have, because I trust.)
7. Submission (I do, because I follow with trust.)
8. For the last (biz) issue with old partner to be fully finalised this year instead of in 4 years! No negativity, but I would really like to no longer have to deal with him and not participate in keeping the (biz) issue away from his new partner. Peace of mind and complete closure would be nice.
9. To not under-perform and to be a peacemaker at work. smoothening office issues and politics.
10. That opportunities keeps coming and presenting itself; and that I respond rightly/appropriately.

Shy Extrovert

I had to get up on stage to give a six minutes speech today. Everyone said "I did well, spoke clearly, sounded totally fine, did good, and delivered with clarity and to the point". I was glad to hear those comments. I could count in one hand my public speaking experience on a "stage" where the attention is focused solely on me. I never like(d) them.

People did not know that. They could not imagine that I would have such an issue.

As soon as the microphone was handed to me, blood shot up to my head I felt like fainting; my ears hurt that if anyone asked a question I would have struggled to understand it; my eyes couldn't focus so I couldn't read my notes; my mind was screaming it didn't want to be there and sent me non-stop barrage of what I "must do" and "must not do" I was surprised I spoke and stood there; my throat was dry; I took shallow breaths; my tongue felt heavy; my back started hurting I wanted to stoop/cower; and my heart was thumping so loud I strained to hear my voice.

I forced my nerves into steel. Kept reminding myself skills I learnt to address a much smaller group (as a workplace trainer). Tried to remember the speech I wrote. Relied on speaking honestly from the heart to save my memory from freezing up. All these while I crazily removed my embarrassment of exposing my life, and the knowledge that SOMEONE was recording it (no!no!no!)!! Also, while fighting to be in the moment, conscious of everything that was happening.

I tried to project cool, charm and calm. It helped that I was comfortable with the people behind me while on stage. I sensed I did not engage the crowd, like I do when I train people, but my bigger obstacle was to just finish the speech! I was able to stay aware in most (but not all) of the right moments, whew! I held on to my playful and curious personality. Despite my body's physical reactions, I prayed that I could still enjoy key events.

Offstage, away from anyone's view.... As soon as I relaxed my nerves of steel, I shook so much I couldn't remove my clothes (they were drenched), my eyes let go of several tears, my whole body was cold-freezing, but my face was still hot! I felt like fainting again. That time it was harder to control my body, but I fought it hard as I only had a few minutes to dry up, get changed, and step out again to be in public eye. I mentally bottled the adrenalin rush, imagined it washed with zen.

Sitting down in front, I expressed outward calm, and eventually I was. However, my nerves were shot all day.... I did not understand the main presentation. I picked up several points mentioned and noticed statements that seemed fuddled, even though my own thoughts were jumbled. But I cannot remember any of the message now. Someone read me a bible verse. I remember it was in Romans, that was all, even though I tried very hard to box it into my memory. I think I shut down when he said he recorded me! I was soooo embarrassed!!!!

My eustress shot up again, one and a half hour later, as I had more "business" to react to!! Colleagues and friends who visited to see me on stage were rushing away, already late for their appointments/work and I was trying to spend at least half a minute with them to thank them for coming. I managed to talk to one (a couple) but four had no choice but to leave without communication (sorry thank you!). I was sooo embarrased, surviving but grateful, to be surrounded by people who were genuinely happy and excited for me (thank you for staying back and making a point of congratulating me!).

...I was very grateful. I felt so much love from everyone - my family, friends and colleagues. And strangers. I was becoming emotional comprehending and witnessing it all. A boundless thank you!!!....

When I didn't think any more of my guests were "lost", my remaining guests and family left the building. Thinking back, I needed it, I was too HIGH from all the excitement around me I had to run away!

People ("locals", not the guests) texted me later in the night that they looked for me but I disappeared.... *insert sheepish smile here*.

I needed to sleep to heal as soon as I got home. When I woke up I was still on "edge". That six minutes (plus about another 10 minutes of introduction, praying and baptising) was a BIG DAY for me.

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I say I'm like this because I am shy. No one immediately accepts that I am. Because I am active, always smiling/laughing, look/act confident, friendly, gregarious, and I blog.

Contrary to popular belief, I am shy. I cannot control how I feel internally when I am dealing with others, regardless of how I appear externally. I blush easy and I don't respond well to being the centre of attention in various situations. Certain company makes me feel uneasy. I am not a fan of public speaking. I don't know why but I freak out when I'm treated special by a group. It is easier for me to deal with my shyness in smaller groups (example, four or less), especially when I am comfortable or feel connected to those present. My shyness to individuals varies. Sometimes no matter how close and comfortable I am with someone, he/she can still turn my face into a tomato.

Celebrations of/for me are best organised without my knowledge, including my wedding!! Not joking. Or taken care of by a planner who could gauge what I like/want, could ask questions, but not give me progress reports. I'd probably prefer to be far away and just show up. I would cope better with surprises than knowing :-). Several friends in various countries/locations asked me to record the speech (I know now someone did). Not all these friends are registered to a social profile network.... It might mean the speech would go into public domain. I don't mind if someone posts it online... I guess...(!!??)... this is unventured territory.... The current videos of me on Youtube were not specifically mine, nor about me...(!!). I guess if there are no personal/private details it will be alright, lost in the online crowd...(!!!!).

My shyness does not mean I lack confidence or suffer low self-esteem. I have enough of those now to get by. I also do not think I am timid. I am not afraid to act and stand up for myself (but I prefer to not confront). I can muster courage from within when needed. Or should I say I learned to be less shy and less timid. Though I struggled to stand up for myself and to speak for myself in several situations, experiences taught me how to be less uncomfortable (shy) and to be less fearful (timid). Experiences also thought me life is better faced forward respectfully and amicably, for example, conflicts (resolutions).

The efforts to deal with my shyness, if continuous, tire and drain me out. So I tend to like my own company during those times. Powernaps, restful sleeps and solo retreats are great to recharge my emotional battery. For a time I thought it meant I was really more insular, therefore an introvert. But I am too curious and interested of people, places and events to be focused inward. I could also be recharged by spending quality time and connecting with someone I love. Hence I know I am more an extrovert.

Smell

I took 3 showers yesterday. Last time I did that I was in a country so hot and I sweated too much, that showers freshened and cooled me down. Yesterday, the weather was cold, rainy and windy. It was not a good day to put myself through the discomfort of removing my warm clothes, then feel chilled as I tried to dry-up quickly, and re-warm myself with fresh but cold clothes plus long wet hair.

I have a strong sense of smell. Sometimes very handy, other times a problem.

Yesterday, after the morning Easter Sunday service (which I showered for, heheh), mom and I decided to lunch out. I made her choose which continent the dishes could come from (she said she wanted rice); and suggested Japanese, Indonesian and Italian (she chose Indonesian) which were a short walking distance from us. I took her to a restaurant which I was surprised was actually Malaysian, but we stayed coz she had never been there and we did not want to tire out my ankle injury. For the first time in my life, I waited in the queue (I never queue up for more than 5 minutes, or at least we sit at the bar with drinks/starters comfortably until called). Mom did not mind, but it was freezing to stand outside so I felt bad for her.... Anyway, we waited for over 10 minutes, then sat down and ate for over an hour. There was ample ventilation and air circulation, but the cooking and food smells still latched on to our clothes. I could smell it strongly on my skin and my hair. I rushed to shower again and shampooed vigorously as soon as I got home.

A couple of hours later, a friend and his daughter picked me up to go to another Easter event. Freshly dressed (except for my gold jacket and soft scarf, still smelling of the Malaysian restaurant, ugh, so I wore it as little as possible), out we went. I found out the South African speaker was actually German, oops hahahah. I was thankful we arrived more than half an hour early, ensuring seats. So many people showed up a second show had to be quickly organised after ours (which appeared to also be too much past capacity). There were people squeezed at every step and crevice of the auditorium. I could smell some of them. Not a foul body odour, nor strong perfume/cologne. Just from where they had been, smokes, dogs, bed, re-worn clothes, and their normal body scents. My nose was hyper-sensitive.

Afterwards, we grabbed a bite and drinks at a foodcourt nearby. Then headed home. On route home, after some casual chats with friendly strangers, we were invited to a comedy show for free. My friend couldn't (I figured, to spend time with his beautiful daughter), I was tired, and I did not feel like dealing with more olfactory challenges (smokes and alcohol, etc). I could also still smell the foodcourt on me. So I declined for us and headed to the shower for more hearty scrubbing and shampooing. I could not stand the smell of my "dirty" clothes and even my used towel got thrown in the laundry... very far away from me.

(to be continued, maybe... regarding how travel changes our smells and how unaware many people are that we ALL smell "off" or weird to someone somehow...)

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I have always been aware of people's natural scents smelling differently - no matter how great our hygiene routines are, how expensive and scented the products we use, and how plain the foods we eat are. We all smell. And our scents linger across "funny", "weird", "interesting" or "off" to someone, somehow.

In my younger days, I thought I always smelt alright (heheheh). I didn't have strong body odours that required deodorants, as far as I knew and in comparison to my peers. I was silently glad of this fact, and lived life mostly au naturel. Perfumes were used on a whim, not out of necessity.

As I got older my group of friends became more diverse and the foods I digested became more experimental (e.g. started eating onions and garlic). My body, my diet, and the way/rate I burned my food intakes may have also changed. The most obvious change to me was whenever the smell of onions and garlic wafted from my pores and onto my clothes an hour after I ate them. Later, my natural scent also changed (specifically my left armpit, more than my right, I still don't know why, ack!) when I introduced new types of meat like veal/lamb and goat. During travels and multiculturalism, I was exposed to more spices and ingredients. I also started to spend more time in kitchens participating or watching people cook, bake, grill, barbecue and roast. I ate local foods and used local products.

My aroma changed, evolved, and took on my environments. It wasn't always pleasant, even quite unnerving to accept; because I preferred to always smell like fresh mint, a garden of flowers, exotic musks, the sea or clean water, or like a clean baby. But to dive into the adventures, cultures and experiences fully meant letting go of my comforts and allowing myself to become part of the community. That usually meant identifying with the people, by not being/smelling too different to them, as much as possible. Saying that, I had walked around spraying kids and women with perfume (with their permission). They loved it! It was usually a great ice-breaker! I always ended up leaving my perfumes as well and journeyed on without. Yet, most times I didn't carry any, to lessen the weight of my luggage as much as possible.

Regardless of culture, and skin colour, and country we came from we all smell. A lone Caucasian sharing an apartment with Africans may feel overwhelmed by the smells of the spices used on their dishes. But he/she may not know that the Africans also struggled with the scent coming from his/her skin. Someone once described it to me as "a hint of rotten meat" or "meat fats". Everyone walked around with half-closed noses until they habituated to each other's essence. I remembered a European friend in London commented I "smelt like an American", after a trip to USA - greasy foods, a hint of Mexican spices, and toffee, topped with my Victoria Secret body splash...!!!

... It usually takes me at least a couple of weeks before my scents goes back to "normal" after my trips, depending on how long I was immersed in the cultures and how different they were to my own. :-)

Now

I had a hundred ideas to write about!! Life was very packed with many reflections, lessons, conversations, experiences and stories. Not a day this year has passed where it felt like "any other day", or monotonous. I started sentences for a topic to blog about, then deleted them to write about a different topic, then decided on another one instead, deleted and so on, several times. Each one competing for centre-stage.

So, I don't understand how people could be bored for long. I get tired yes, lonely being single yes-maybe, don't like what I'm doing sometimes, don't like my injury yes, emotional lots, but bored - why? All I need to do is wake up and I am bombarded with stimuli. I could not keep up! So I wondered how could people be bored all day or longer? If it is, then change something a little. Life is too prescious to not enjoy and not be thankful for, despite whatever hardships or sufferings we/you are going through, really, truly. :-/

I love being busy, but I crave for quiet time. My next trip I would dedicate at least one week somewhere away from it all - sleeping or just smelling the air. Where my only thought and feeling would be nothing. No active exploration or interactions. When I wouldn't care if I ate or drank. When nothing outside of me would be important. No new or old friends. Just me. I cherished those quiet and alone times:

• Italy (2008, up 8 to days)
• Portugal (2008, 4 days)
• Murcia, Spain (2009, 2 days)
• Dahab, Egypt (2010, 2-5 days)
• Chaam/Chiang Rai/Mae Hong Son, Thailand (2010, 3 days)
• Maldives (2011, 2 days)
• Polhena, Sri Lanka (2011, 1 days)
• Sapa, Vietnam (2012, half a day)
• Si Phan Don, Laos (2012, half a day). 

Those "only me" times were so rare and special. I knnooowww, people would say try to be a parent, carer, cannot travel, etc etc. Different busy or lifestyle and/or choices, is all. STILL busy and still need to recuperate.

My trips' main goal was always to explore the countries and its cultures. I packed more in my itineraries, so alone times became lesser as the years progressed. Quiet was very hard to attain, as I always had to prepare for onward travel. I also had to fight my curiousity and my "adventuress" nature. Here at home it had been absolutely impossible. Peaceful yes, quiet never. There were always reminders, friends, responsibilities, opportunities and tasks to do. I could never fully shut down. Meditation never worked. Too much stimuli. Too much noise. Only sleep could knock me out.

A friend offered me a place overseas in a beautiful quiet town to stay at, free of charge for up to 3 months (or longer), while he was away for his own holiday in a much warmer (burning hot!) climate. Encouraging to pull out my creative and insightful side, less of my worker and running bee. I am drawn to it but I hesitate, preferring to be busier for now, while young and energetic. Another friend offered his place overseas in the city too while he is away on missions, because he trusted me. I have girlfriends whom wants me to relocate to their cities (will help me settle and introduce me to men they'd love me to marry!). All very tempting, and I would definitely take up the offer one day, if still available then (including one of the men, maybe, hahaha). My selfish self wanted to run there to enjoy and escape (life is too short and wonderful to waste mentality). I have been like this since a fortnight ago, after I realised money is no longer important (see Divided?). I'm like an excited horse, jumpy and ready to bolt to any good adventure! I feel so free that it could be mistaken for reckless. I could be labelled a "flight risk", so a relationship could not be taken seriously, unless he is similar. A couple of offers of casual fun (committed to each other?), long-term partnerships and marriages received since being home (circa 2010). I was willing (so willing I just joined an online dating site, ack!) but I could not accept any of their offers. I abstained. My heart and mind wished/waited for someone else. Still, for now, my place is here, keeping me grounded, learning more lessons, trying to understand the wisdom without confusion, keeping quiet as much as possible, ready, silently revving up....

Amazing life. Exciting times. Trying to be present in the power and wonders of now.

Confession/Time Capsule - 1980s to 2000s

I went through my collection of cards, letters, photos, notes, and other written memorabilia from late 1980s to mid 2000s. That was a lot of written history! Most of them, except for photos, are now shredded. I was told I am a fool to get rid of them. I don't regret it. I wanted to keep those moments of shared feelings private, between me and the writers. The correspondences brought all kinds of emotions - apathy, confusion, compassion, vanity, pride, humour, shame, regrets and gratitude. I decided to use this post to speak to a few people from my past whom most likely I won't interact with again.


The love letters. I started keeping them from 9 years old. But I was tooooo much of a tomboy to think of courtship/relationships and too young/innocent-minded to understand what the fuss was all about!!!??! I blossomed into being interested in boys very late, around the age of 17 and a half, if not 18, hahah ugh. I was always the mother hen whom parents trusted their daughters' (my friends) safety to. I was so clueless but I appeared very responsible. Anyway....

I went out with only one of the writers - my first (second) boyfriend. Ooops, first confession, ack! I had a boyfriend for a whole month in July 1995, before my "first boyfriend"  for more than a decade. Boyfriend #1 was a real top guy, we met in a RYLA camp. I remembered that he was kind and gentle to me, though he could be harsh with his actions and words to others, because he really was smarter than his years, a born leader. I was ditzy with a heart that could be developed for leadership. We were both too young to 'carpe diem', but mainly I was too foolish and awkward to appreciate. Only bestie and boyfriend #1 knew of this relationship. Heck, they even became good mates. I write this here, in case he sees, so I could say, "Kob khun kaa, sorry for my young stupidity, happy for you, and carpe diem! - from Noo". To my first (second) boyfriend... *smiling guiltily while shrugging my shoulders*. I think I told you early in the relationship..? I can't remember now. All in the past.

I digressed. Love letters.... JAC, I did not go out with you, but I was most harsh to you (publicly, in a letter sent to our group of friends), to stop your emotions, to forget about me, and for friends to tell you to forget about me. I immediately recognised all your letters, by the way you folded them. My guilt overtook me even before I re-read your hopes and pains. It was all too much. Forgive me, it was the best response I could pull out of my inexperience.

Another, WR, I saw you again, after more than a decade, and immediately you told me how long you waited for me. You asked about me. There was so much emotion coming out from your voice and face. In a panic, and faithful to boyfriend #2 (who thought he was first, ack) who was metres away from us, I lied that I was married and rushed off. Immature reaction. I'm sorry.

That's all for matters of hearts. I was not interested to date, so my reactions to all crushes and stronger feelings were childish, and I did not encourage.... Next, friendship letters.

The cards and little notes were varied between funny and generic. Some had sweet heartfelt messages, others random jokes and events. One girl friend talked about a different crush in each letter. Her stories were so sensationalised I remembered how much I looked forward to receiving her mail. I wished I had her lifestyle and personality a lot of times. I still looked forward to reading her old mail, and sure enough hers were still the most exciting! More than 20 years had passed and she still had the same effect on me - making me giggle and laugh so much my sides ached! Thank you.

I searched for many old friends throughout the years, yet all these social networking profiles produced nil results:

• My besfriend between grade 3-4, Resurreccion Yamco, I took a photo of your letter, now shredded. I hope one day I can show them to you again :-).
• Genie Ong - where are you!!?
• Panit Ratanapornchai - It'd be nice to catch-up. Thank you for being my guardian.
• RSL aka ROlivoGuy - my "childhood sweetheart", we grew up always being paired, but never went out. We couldn't keep track of our changes - I stopped writing for years, we both moved house, too many countries, returned to sender mail.
• Others I am not in touch with - I intentionally did not include you in here. Not because I do not want to get in touch. This post would end up too long. There are varying degrees of separation that could still connect us via social networks. I am not sure if you would like me to, or if there would be any point to it. But do message me if you want :-).

I don't have to speak to anyone specific amongst old friends. If I have to apologize, it would be for not keeping in touch, as I was bitter about how some friends treated me before I left for overseas. I decided to start anew, cutting ties with all, including the ones who were not even part of those whom caused me shame/pain. Not writing back, I read the hurt several friends felt because of the way I treated them. So if any of you are reading this... sorry. Us being so young, I'm sure (I hope) it was later not a big deal. Here I acknowledge my (mis)behaviour.

Part of the reason why I acknowledged was because, as I read through more than 20 years of my history, I became melancholy and amazed, or overwhelmed. Each writer expressed about how much I affected them. Even though only a youth, I was very influential. I encouraged a lot of people to change, improve, decide and feel positive about themselves. It made me wonder what (and how) I could have been with good mentors and parenting. I did not remember being a dynamic person. But the letters highlighted them. It was like I was reading someone else's life.

On one hand, I feel like I am bragging, my ego boosted to be so well-praised and well-loved. On the other I reflected on the fact that I did not know, I did not understand, and I did not appreciate the... power of friendship. The power of simply being nice. I forgot or was not aware how strongly I "moved" people. I vaguely remembered jokes that I should start a cult or my own following, because I had a convincing and persuasive personality. I had an ability to help people feel special, wanted, needed and/or important. The letters showed all it took were kindness, a smile, conversing about life (or God, or spirituality) with them, a tiny interest in their circumstances or ideas, inspiration, honesty and genuine care.

I wondered if I am still the same. If I am, I hope to be a better conduit of compassion and living love, but with more tact, wiser discernment and nobler maturity. As a friend told me several months ago, "great power comes with great responsibility" in the way I engaged people. I know I will disappoint and be disappointed based on humanity's standards. So it is important to be aware of the differences between agendas and what drives my decisions - where I come in and where it is not about me and who I am doing it for. If I deal with the world (and its issues) on my own (strength), I could easily end up low tanked and depleted. It was likely one of the reasons why I stopped abruptly when I was younger, and I became more insular for several years. Key life lessons picked up from those pages. Success not based on man's approval or rejection.

1 Samuel 16:7 (NIV) ~ The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.  

Divided(?)

It was the toughest 3 weeks - personally and professionally.

I should have posted my story when I was really divided, going through the final battles in my mind. Now that I know my decision, with both my heart and mind agreeing, to share this story in hindsight feels a bit of an anti-climax.

The division was in my confusion in whether to stay in my current perfect-enough and comfort-guaranteed lifestyle, with awesome financial and job security (aka "set for life"), while living in a country/state where life truly is beautiful, safe, pampered and relaxed... or... to give up all that, and all that I worked for and most of the luxuries I enjoyed, to step forward to a life of (financial, etc) insecurity and not knowing where I will be heading/leading. VERY tough choice, for one reason only - money.

Except for money and my work (which I not only love/d, but also guaranteed a nice cashflow) I did not fear letting go of the rest. My faith in God, knowing the world is beautiful, and my street-smart are enough for those. I even know God will provide me all that I need, and more! I do not doubt it, really. But to let go, to really let go of my work=money, in thought and in action, I could not do it. I was so surprised because I always thought money was not important to me. But I was so used to having control over it, I could not hand over control of it to God.

(For more than a year, my family, friends and) I tried to reason with myself. I tried be logical and rational. I did not make any rushed decision. I wrestled with the stupidity of giving up my work, especially when so many people would love to trade places with me. I reasoned once I quit, I will never be able to afford the luxury of exploring, adventuring and travelling the WORLD(!!), as this "Everest" post revealed. I told myself I was being irresponsible and careless. I should be saving for my retirement. I will be the laughing stock of my colleagues whom would hear in less than 10 years that I am back after my mid-life crisis, an old maid and poor. Those thoughts are for later blogs, ack! ;-)

The main reason work was the hardest to let go (and #2 of the two reasons I went back), was because I thought if I stayed til mid-this-year, I would earn an extra AUD$17K. For someone heading out without a "job", that amount would be great pocket money! I could give it to my nieces and nephews! Or my friends expecting their first child! Or to pay for a discipleship training course I wanted to do. Or to invest into a local community project.... So much money. Large enough that I could even spend/give comfortably to all five I mentioned above! Surely for me to leave earlier without the cash is much more selfish(?), I told myself.

I tried to be strategic about the whole thing. I thought I managed to organised time nicely so that I could go on another exploration trip this half-year, without needing to quit until next year, giving me a chance to "test the waters" first, in case I changed my mind (whew!).... Letting my colleagues assume I had another wonderful holiday.

Professionally, I admitted to my supervisor my plans to go away for half a year, and the motivation behind it. He's been great and supportive I felt it was best to keep him informed even though plans were not concrete. I also could not lie to him. Personally, my ankle injury is still a medium-term problem. Going to work five days a week is physically and emotionally tiring. It will take months to heal. It is also affecting my work because I am doing lighter duties and I am slower. The strain of my sick leaves and medical appointments (and my past approved recreational leaves); plus office politics, are showing in the way I am being viewed and treated this year.

I have, a few but very influential, colleagues whom built themselves up by dissing everyone else down to the manager - surprise surprise *sarcasm*. I never played the "schoolyard" politics at work. I won't start now. Bless my supervisor, he is caught in between due to his friendship and decades-plus time of serving with them. I requested for him to speak up for me more, because he knows my performance and those colleagues have been proven to not give me credit for the work/help I have completed. He advised me to do what the pack are doing, build myself up to our manager myself, even though he didn't like this practise because the others were going over his head. I was bamboozled by the statement against my performance, being told I have to "win the manager's respect". I recently won a state excellence award(!) where the Minister congratulated my team personally (the pack mentioned above not part of it)!! How quickly people forget.... My ego was slapped. :-/ However, while quickly praying for us when my peace was rattled, my peace came back. The problems were still there, but how I reacted to it, was being lead by how I believed God wanted me to.

Then, this week, I was told the $17K I expected this year, may not be mine until June next year.

I went through a few minutes of mentally chasing after the money. I felt like I was owed it. I deserved it. So I should get it, even if I have to wait for it another year.... But such soliloquy no longer had conviction. Amazingly! Truly! I was shocked, asking myself several times if I was sure!!??! :-) I felt a much stronger peace in knowing I no longer really cared for the money. My focus and order of priorities has changed. I am still trying to be strategic in how I can still be rewarded the money. If possible, why not, for the long service I have performed. But if I am prompted to leave now, I would discard the money chase, and go. I am as sure of this as sunrise and sunset. No longer divided.

Of course, time will tell, if I could really leave without it. If I will be asked to let go of it (all). At the moment I am only verbalising. For now God has prompted me to sit still, as in I am not going anywhere yet. I am still preparing for the journey/s. I still don't know where I am heading. I'm still learning to walk (hopefully wisely) between the natural and spiritual. I am still trying to understand spiritual warfare and learning discernment (God's will versus my will). But I am waiting to heed.